Expectations after Rehab

[MrsMagoo]

My AH is coming home from detox/rehab after three weeks either tomorrow or Friday. He is going straight into IOP.

Judy (SerenityQueen) has given me some EXCELLENT advice about the transition such as:

1. Do NOT ask him if he's going to go to a meeting (except maybe once then drop it).

2. Do NOT expect intimacy since it may be physically impossible with what his body has recently gone through - to let him initiate in case an embarrassing situation should arise (or not).

3. Do NOT fall all over him, wait on him hand and foot or fawn over him. His favorite meal might be in order but stand down for the most part.

4. Do NOT inquire all the time as to what might be on his mind, especially when he zones out or looks lost in thought.

What else? I don't want to fall right back into my co-dependant tendencies and your opinions as to whats okay and what should be off limits is important to me. He has given me numerous kudos for coming so far and being so strong and learning so much about addiction and recovery and I don't want to blow it cause I'm happy to see him. And I am happy that he's coming home even though I know the hard work is going to start then - for both of us.

What else? What were some of the things you appreciated or didn't appreciate? If you are a loved one - what worked for you?

Thanks, Janet

[Freedom1990]

I appreciated the fact that the only loved one I had to come home to was an eight year old daughter and it was either get my $hit together or leave that little girl without a mother for the rest of her life. There was no IOP. It was work full-time, attend meetings, and be a part of real life.

That's the God's honest truth.

[Josette]

Goodmorning!!

I don't have any suggestions as to what to do or not to do...

but one thing that always stuck out to me on any occasion when someone has come to my rescue for any reason......is when they are being themself.

Be yourself.

Be as normal as you can possible be.

Expectations at zero for both you and him.

Don't go into analysis paralysis.

I am so happy that he made it this far I really am.

I admire you strength and determination.

Hugs,

[anvilhead]

how about NO expectations? let him hit the ground running and get back to the business of living and being a responsible productive member of society.

[MrsMagoo]

Amen to all! We just really haven't had much of an opportunity to discuss how all this is going to come about. Because I'm barely aware of what IOP is, how is he going to be able to look for a job and go to meetings? Does IOP count as meetings?

He's off his prescription benzos for anxiety, depression and PTSD and they have him on Lexapro now. I understand that there will probably be some post acure withdrawal symptoms every now and then for up to six months. I'm sorry, I just don't want to do something "wrong" because honestly, I'm not sure who is coming back. Seems like the man I married. The old John. I want to be the old Janet but it's hard to forget even when you've forgiven.

[suzieq1972]

Sorry, no advice.

I do agree with anvilhead though.

And, I think it's great that he's come this far.

Good luck!





Sue

[anvilhead]

Codie Alert! somebody is getting their sticky little fingers all over somebody else's stuff!!!! he's not even out of rehab yet and you are already worried about screwing up HIS recovery!!!?? FUTURE TRIPPING. and romancing "the way we were" - WANTING TO RELIVE THE PAST.

how HE will manage IOP and finding a job etc is HIS stuff. his schedule to manage. ALL BY HIMSELF. it's called being a grown up. it's not important that YOU know what IOP is, cuz that's HIS STUFF. that means it's NOT YOURS. that means grubby little paws OFF!

when i needed a job, i went and found one. all on my own. when i needed to get to meetings, i found an AA schedule and found meetings in my area that worked into MY schedule and i attended them. all on my own. when hank and i made the concerted effort to really REALLY get off the dope, our lives didn't stop, nobody came in and took care of things FOR us - we still had to get ourselves up and off to salvage our jobs before we both got canned, bills kept coming in monthly with the expectation that we would continue to pay them, we bathed and fed ourselves - we didn't get a time out or a week off or not even a damn pill help with cravings. WE JUST HAD TO DEAL.

see i don't have a fall back plan if i screw up. i don't have parents or siblings to run to, friends just dying to take me in, nuthin. so if i screw up, I SCREW UP. there's no buffer between me and the sheer stupidity of my actions. and that goes for hank too. we don't get do-overs or second chances, this IS our chance, and it is what WE make of it, not what someone makes it FOR us....

so simon says, take four giant steps backwards......

[MrsMagoo]

Of course you are right. I went back and re-read that second post and it sounded pretty pathetic and I do NOT want to fall into old co-dependency behaviors or any new ones for that matter.

I guess I don't know what we'll talk about. I guess I'll just have to find out if there are any topics that are "off limits". I need to talk to him about the bills. Not that he can help but just so he knows where we are at (or aren't at) and about my son's upcoming surgery and I don't know if matters like these can overwhelm him because I understand this is going to be (another) very selfish time for him and it needs to be that way but then again, like you said, life goes on and he has a part to play in it.

Thank you for your bluntness Anvil. It stings a bit but it sure does make me look harder at my own behavior and up until recently - I've either not been able to do or unwilling (4th step coming up - just in time)!

[anvilhead]

IMHO (ok, so it's never THAT humble, but it is always MY opinion!!!): the time for SELFISH was when he was using drugs. he's used up that excuse now. treat him as you would any other adult!!!! no excuses. it's time to suck it up dude....big boy panties.

sure, maybe you wait til he unpacks first.....there's days i'm chomping at the bit to talk to hank when he gets home from work, and i get chattering like a magpie and he's like, honey, can i put my lunchbox DOWN first maybe? could we back up and start with HELLO? LOL i'd love to talk to you but i gotta get out of the workboots!!! oh yeah, my bad, me shut up now!

so, sharpen your number two pencil, cuz here's a test.... who have we NOT been talking about here? whose recovery program CAN you get yourself actively involved in?

[MrsMagoo]

Mine, mine, mine. I show up here every day and I have my CR meetings on Fridays not to mention meeting with or talking to my accountability partner multiple times during the week.

OT: That's another problem - I don't have a sponsor. There are only 3 people (one woman) in my CR meeting that has completed the 12 steps so there are not enough sponsors to go around.

I already know that even if AH comes home Friday, I'm not breaking my routine. I'm going straight from work, to daycare, to the meeting with a quick run though a drive-through window for the baby. I'm not going home first, I'm not asking him to come and I'm not taking the baby home to see him cause he misses her. This is our thing on Friday nights.

I really have stayed away from his recovery more than I thought I was capable of. He had signed something for his counselor to tell me anything and he told the counselor I would call. I haven't. I didn't. I won't.

See!!!!! Some of this IS penetrating my big thick skull. Give yourselves a pat on the back.

[Freedom1990]

I can say this with 100% certainty. You are not the same person you were 3 1/2 weeks ago. I miss the Mrs. Magoo of 3 1/2 weeks ago.

[StillLearning!]

Mrsmagoo-
How about After he finds the time to talk with you, you will have the time to pick him up?

I'm sorry but if he is that fragile, a sober house sounds like a much better place for him. More importantly you and your children.
Just my opinion.

[aasharon90]

My experience is......

My family did for me what I
couldnt do for myself. I had
hit bottom and they saw I
needed help so they did an
intervention on me.....

They called the authorities
and i was picked up and taken
to rehab in the back of a
police car like as if i was a
criminal. I was hurt, ashamed,
po'd, angry, furious....so much
hatred fuming from me....

However i went and stayed in
rehab for 28 days recieving the
tools and knlowledge of my disease.

Rehab was followed by a 6 week
aftercare outpatiant program.

My husband removed all the
alcohol from the house as
was suggested and anything
else that would tempt me to
drink.

When i was picked up, i still
had resentments towards
my family but in time it began
to leave as i continued on my
path of recovery.

Years passed still practicing
my program, however my little
family got lost somewheres along
the way. Im sure they felt like
they had to walk on egg shells
around me at times.....

I realized about yr 12 i was so
unhappy and very anxious.....it
was told to me early on in recovery
to concentrate on my recovery
first then if anything else was
bothering me then deal with it....

One day i saw a commercial about
chemical embalance. Bingo....no
wonder i was all over the place with
my moods....

We went for an evaluation and
finally addressed my embalanced.

I began to settle down yet
something still wasnt right.

My marriage was doomed.

They say when one pereon
the family is sick then the
rest of the family is affected
unless they r treated too.

Meaning if my husband had
worked an al-anon program
then we could have made the
marriage work. We were on
different pages all the time.

Family couldnt understand me
as i continued to grow and
change in recovery so we
difted apart.

Anyway.....i left my little family
who survived me very well on
their own and no program.

I had to take care of me and
they had to do what they
wanted.

Today at 18 yrs sober, i had no
regrets of any kind. I left my
marriage extremely peaceful.

I recently remarried and have
changed even more that my
family well...no telling what
they will think....today its my
turn to enjoy life as they r
doing the same.

I have a wonderful partner in
recovery. We both have a love
for motorcycles, outdoors, life,
tattoos and being happy joyous
and free.

The relationship between him
and I is based on honesty and
trust.

It cant get any better than that.

Well it can as long as we continue
to share our experiences. strengths
and hopes with others learning to
live life one day at a time with out
drugs or alcohol.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MrsMagoo]

Now what have I said wrong?

I'm not changing my routine, I'm not talking to his counselor, I'm going to meetings, I'm listening to you guys except.

He's been in rehab, he's going to IOP and if he wasn't - he would be going somewhere else for an extended stay.

[Impurrfect]

((MM))

3-1/2 weeks ago you weren't worried about overwhelming him with "life stuff", or what to talk about. You weren't trying to figure out what was "his" recovery and what was "yours".

I'm not going to say it's wrong...this is your decision. It's just hard for some of us, who have been down this path, over and over, and not had good results to see someone else go down it. That's not to say you won't have good results, but most of us did not. There is a reason we say "let him SHOW his recovery for at least six months and then reconsider"...it is because we learned the hard way.

Just as we A's have to deal with our consequences, so do we codies (yeah, I've got a LOT of consequences, since I'm both). You've made your decision, and I truly wish you the best.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Callie]

I see what you guys are saying about 3.5 weeks ago. BUT I know what MM is going through as we're close to the same timeline in addiction. MM, 3.5 weeks ago you were hardened, PO'd, it was time for your AH to step up or step out, you'd had enough etc. etc. Just as I was before AH went into rehab.

If you recall, the day my AH entered rehab, right before he'd called them he called me and was dropping the suicide card. Upon the advice here, I told him if he was having those thoughts he should go to the ER. I was PO'd at everything and hardened as well. I had no kind words for him at that time.

But when they go through rehab and are working a program and you see the "old" AH starting to emerge, you're glad and you are afraid of doing something to mess that up. Even though "I" can't stick the needle in his arm, it still feels like it sometimes...right or wrong. From the non addict standpoint you're so glad to FINALLY have happen what you've fought so hard for (recovery and yes, I know this is HIS fight, not MINE). So I get ya on how you're feeling.

Not saying you're all wrong, but I know how MM feels. With my AH (he's been home about 1.5 weeks now and is going back next week hopefully), I just tried to keep a normal routine as if he weren't here. We did talk alot and he's answered alot of questions etc. He's not as "fragile" as I'd thought he'd be. I did cook and grocery shop somewhat around what he likes, but I pretty much kept everything as normal as I could. I guess my advice would be not to baby him and to keep your boundaries and lower your expectations for now. AH has days (PAWS) where he's pretty much worthless, but other times he does alot.

MM, codie to codie, just continue on as normal, don't baby him. Let him take the reigns on his recovery. You stay in yours and keep your boundaries. You were ready to kick him to the curb if he didn't get help, keep those same firm boundaries in his recovery. Also remember that those that are in your face are those that sometimes help us the most. I know I need the 2x4's alot of times, no matter how much it hurts! Hang in there and keep posting girl!

[Freedom1990]

Not saying you're all wrong, but I know how MM feels.

With all due respect, please don't patronize me. I don't just post here as a recovering addict. I am also a recovering codependent. I was married to a psychotic meth-slamming whiskey swilling addict, now deceased, and I also have a 31 year old active addict daughter, so I do believe that qualifies me to understand from the codependent side of this thing.

I have heard the magic words from the forked tongue of my daughter when I took her in after her stay in jail, had her sit at meetings with me, felt my heart swell with pride when she shared about how she wanted to truly change her life, when all along her case of beer was hidden in the bedroom closet on the second story of my home, along with her baggie of pot.

She's a very clever girl you know, always has been, probably always will be. She tested into the gifted program in the 4th grade. It's the smart ones, the very very intelligent ones who hit below the belt the hardest in the end.

I hope you don't come to fully understand that some day as well as I have, Callie. I hope MM doesn't either.

[kj3880]

MM,
Why would you ever shield him from the bill info? He needs to know every single, stressful detail that his addiction has contributed to. It will help him to face reality. And you say that you are not telling him so he can help??? Why ever can he not help with the bills now? I work overtime in recovery to make up for the mess I made. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. Are you afraid that stress will make him relapse? If he's going to go back out, then he's going to go back out. You have to live life normally, for yourself and your child.

You should be aware of him trying to dump his recovery on you, also. Sometimes he may try to get you to call his counselor to get them to tell you that he can't work or handle stress at home or whatever. Don't fall into that trap. If he isn't strong enough to work along side of you and help pay the bills and deal with stress at home, he shouldn't be there!

Don't get your hopes up too high. Things are not going back to exactly the same. You will not have the same level of confidence and trust in your relationship unless he stays clean for a long time. That's as it should be. You're not crazy.

But when you say that now the hard work starts for you both when he gets out of rehab, I worry. Shouldn't your life get easier when he's around? If he doesn't make your life easier, you have to think, is this what you want? It's not an easy life with an addict. It just isn't. I'm sorry you have to learn this. But we'll be here with you, regardless of how it turns out. Just keep working your recovery and stay out of his and you'll be OK regardless. When you find yourself talking about what dose of medication he's been on and how many meetings he's been to this week and how many times he's talked to his sponsor today...you know you need to stay in your own lane...lol

Love,
KJ

[bluejay6]

one of my favorite books on addiction and codependency (now out of print), written by a RA who also was an addictions counselor says this about the codependent whose partner has entered recovery:

"The place to start back up the hierarchy into health is with the shift of her focus from him back to herself. She cannot regain her autonomy, trust, and initiative--the necessary ingredients for being able to fully love, work, and play--and she cannot help the chemically dependent person until she becomes self-focused.

In the early weeks and months of recovery when chemical abstinence is achieved and the addict and codependent become actively involved in a 12-step program, both move toward self-focus, acquire emotional distance from each other, develop support networks and take steps toward meeting their own needs and assuming responsibility for their own problems.

This new expansivenss plays a vital role in undercutting some of the hostility, resentment and bitterness inherent in the chemical dependency relationship. Distortion of reality is reduced, insight into self is increased and a sense of emotional security begins to develop as personal boundaries are rebuilt.

Then new work can begin."


I believe in this. Hope it helps.

[Ann]

Mrs. Magoo, from where I sit it sounds like you are asking valid questions and you have valid concerns. No matter how good my recovery was, I always had to give thought to how I would handle things when my son came home. That didn't mean I was wavering in my recovery and it didn't necessarily mean I was walking on eggshells or awfulizing about what "might be". It mean I wanted to keep myself in a good place, a safe place and was thinking through my actions before I needed to use them.

Your husband went to rehab....that is a good thing. They say the real recovery starts when they leave rehab and I believe that. So he will have work to do, just as you will to readjust to being together again.

My thoughts are to just keep working your program, be yourself and do things "normal" people do, like discussing bills or childcare AND also discussing the good things that happen in your day.

My prayers go out for both of you, that this can be a new beginning of better days ahead.

Hugs

[Callie]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

With all due respect, please don't patronize me. I don't just post here as a recovering addict. I am also a recovering codependent.

I have heard the magic words from the forked tongue of my daughter when I took her in after her stay in jail, had her sit at meetings with me, felt my heart swell with pride when she shared about how she wanted to truly change her life, when all along her case of beer was hidden in the bedroom closet on the second story of my home, along with her baggie of pot.

Geeze Freedom, chill girl! You've been around me long enough to know that I meant no harm. Maybe I didn't use the best wording, but my intentions were good. Not saying you don't understand codieness at all 'cause I know you do.

I think the last part of your quote is where MM and I are both at. You go from anger, extreme anger when they're using. Now that they're in/working on recovery you do feel that pride, your heart softens although bitterness is still there. What you've always believed in them (that they're a good person and they can do it.) is starting to come true. But the other foot hasn't dropped yet for us (them using again). So we're not at that point again where anger comes into play again and boundaries are tall and strong.

For me, AH has never ever made it this far in recovery. By that I mean he is starting to "get" it and know that he needs 12 steps, meetings etc. I'm not saying he's cured or won't use again, but he's understanding how and why he got where he's at and the whole process better. Before he would just get clean with no program and it was a matter of time before he picked up again. So that pride is there, but the eagle eyes on my part are too. I've got things in place and am prepared to enforce boundaries. I've never been this prepared before.

KJ said not to shield him from the bills, I agree with that. I had AH's bills laying in a pile when he got home. He's dealt with what he could and I it helped him just to see the mess he created - he didn't know how bad it was.

MM - keep posting and keep your boundaries up. You were ready to make him leave before entering rehab, you can still do that if necessary.

[MrsMagoo]

Thank you all for your comments. I definately have alot to consider. Last night I cried over Freedom's post but I talked to a friend of mine (Nytepassion) for a long time and she explained where "hardened" if you will, attitude comes from and it's not out of any dislike for me - just from ya'll's personal experience and heartache.

AH is coming home today.

As far as the bills go. I screwed up last paycheck and didn't pay rent. The cell phones got cut off because that's usually his deal and he was in the middle of detoxing, didn't have his phone and didn't think to remind me. We don't have a land line so I had to use rent money to pay the phone bill and I had some other expenses come up. I should also include that I have stupid with my money the past three weeks and have ate out probably ever other day - I have taken friends to lunch (my treat) and I have given money to a lady who lives at the Salvation Army that comes to our Celebrate Recovery meetings. I guess I was trying to comfort myself while AH was gone. Ironically - he's usually a tight wad when it comes to eating out and splurging and maybe I was "acting out" but I've basically blown an entire paycheck so now, when I get paid tomorrow, I have to scramble to put out the biggest fires. I have no problem taking responsibility for my bad judgment.

I won't protect him from reality. You are right - if I have to deal with it then so does he.

I will keep you posted if you don't mind and I WILL promise to keep my focus on me and the kids and not on him. That means I will come here and talk about what I'm feeling and how I'm doing and if I back-slide some, I will expect and accept your 2 cents just please try to remember that some of us don't get to where most of you are at overnight (though we would like to).

Much love - Janet

[Impurrfect]

(((Janet)))- another area that my codie recovery has helped me, was being financially responsible...so see, I really DO see me in you I'm just a little bit farther down the path.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[MrsMagoo]

Thanks Amy. I don't know why I was so irresponsible - it's not like me. Like I said, I think I was acting out in my own way.

[Impurrfect]

((Janet)) - that's what I did...I even had a friend, who said my two main problems were "M&M's...men and money". I made decent money, MOST of the time I was responsible with it, but when things got stressed about the MAN part, I would "act out" with the MONEY part...usually, just spending irresponsibly, and then say "oh, darn, I forgot to pay the bills!!"

It was a long, long time ago, but I remember it well. In hindsight, I think I was more comfortable with chaos in my life. If it wasn't there, I created it (subconsciously). You may want to think about it. He's been in rehab, you've been doing your own thing, and...oops, you blew an entire paycheck. I may be totally off base, but it's what I figured out about ME, and may give you something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy