What I didn't do last night

[Japic05]

I thought about how my life has changed so drastically in the last few months, especially now that I am living without an A in my household - this morning I was reading the post of some of my dear friends that are still living with an active A and my heart broke for them.

I thought maybe I would share not so much what I did last night but what I didn't do last night - ONCE again not to try to tell you what you should or shouldn't do - but to give you a glimpse of what life looks like on this side of FREEDOM . . .

Last nite on the way home from work, I didn't have to stop to pick up cigarettes for him
I didn't have to deal with knot in my stomach.
I didn't dread the drive home, while at the same time trying to hurry home so as to not be late.
I didn't stand on the doorstep, wondering what would I find behind that door
I didn't deal with the fear of what condition I would find my AH in this afternoon.
I didn't have to cook supper knowing that he would pass out in the middle of eating
I didn't have to clean up a kitchen knowing when he woke up in the middle of the night he would just mess it up again
I didn't have to keep my purse and keys in eye sight at all times
I didn't have to take a shower while listening for him going thru my stuff
I didn't have to jump at every slamming car door - wondering & waiting
I didn't have sleep half alert - praying he wouldn't fall asleep while smoking and catch the house on fire.
I didn't have to be awakened during the nite to banging pots, pans, slaming cabinets, a loud TV, ranting & ravings about nothing whatsoever, or any other disease induced behaviors
I didn't have to have cell phone, clothes, shoes, keys and purse ready to grab at a moments notice - just in case.
and
I didn't have to pray God please keep me safe thru this HELL one more night.


and because I didn't have to do all of this last nite - regardless of what my ex may try to do or take from me - I am truly grateful.

May your day be filled with Peace, Joy and Love,
Rita

[rayofsunshine]

Rita, Your strength is inspiring!

((HUGS))

Thank you for the reminders of what I'm NOT missing ... in my weakness, I sometimes
forget or minimize those.

[Freedom1990]

Thank you for sharing the positives of taking control of our lives! :ghug :ghug

[UNHAPPY777]

I appreciate your post sooo much I had a tough night and reading your post only helps with my decision making process......... THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!! I needed this post

[Serenity Bound]

Rita, Sounds like a Wonderful evening to me.

Hugs,
Chris

[MrsMagoo]

Holy Cow Rita!! - when my AH is using - I do ALL the same things you were doing! ALL but add in sleep with a fire extinguisher next to my head so in case the flames are the in the hallway, I can get to the kids and get them out.

This will be the third week AH is in rehab and it really has been a vacation for me. He keeps saying how proud he is of me for handling all of the family/financial stuff while he's in treatment and I had to remind him, I've been doing it for a long time - he's just never noticed.

There is alot to be said about having some peace huh?

[starrynite]

Last night when I saw the moon shining on my floor and decided to look out my window - it was just that... a moment of utter peace spent looking at the moon. I wasn't looking for cars or listening to sounds or crying and wishing, waiting and hoping for him to come home.

Life on this side of freedom is a beautiful thing.

[suzieq1972]

Rita, I can so relate to every single thing on that list! I USED to do every one of them.

Now, like you, I can spend my evenings peacefully with my son. I can sleep with no worries.

You're right we have A LOT to be grateful for!





Sue

[Ann]

What a lovely thread, this is, and what an inspiration you are for sharing the view from where you sit.

Recovery has given me my life back also, even though my addict is my son who is missing.

May beautiful tomorrows be yours and may all your dreams come true.

Hugs

[kj3880]

I love this thread, Rita. This inspires me to write my own list of some things that I did get to do today, now that my life is free of ABF:

I prayed to a God of my understanding.
I got up when I felt like it and made breakfast that I wanted.
I spent my money today only for me and my son.
I worked on my recovery.
I worked on my own progress in my career.
I worked as much overtime as I wanted to.
I happily bought food only for my son and my consumption.
I called whoever I felt like and talked however long I wanted and didn't have to erase it off of my cell.
I watched what I wanted to watch on tv.
I went to the meeting I wanted to go to and sat next to the person I wanted to.
I will go to bed when I feel like it alone and sleep in perfect peace.


If there sounds like there are a lot of I, me, and my in here, well, I have some catching up to do with myself...doncha know?

Love,
KJ

[anvilhead]

rita, thanks for this uplifting post. about midday today i had my own "flash" about what did not happen....

over the weekend we got hit with winter again....snow on and off, chilly temps. the phone rang early this morning and hank's lead told him to stay put, he was gonna go check out the job site and see if things were still frozen. they were so hank got to stay home in puppyville and i bolted out the door to work like i was strapped to a rocket. see yesterday i had to stay home as little della had some intestinal woes....ok LOTS of intestinal woes! need i say more???

i guess it was about 1pm and i thought about calling hank to see what i might need to pick up on the way home - no answer. instead of launching into "world is ending" def com 4 alert mode, i figured he was either out with the dogs, or napping.

i did NOT power phone, trying to MAKE him answer.
i did NOT fire up the online banking and check for odd withdrawals, or odd locations for charges.
i did NOT feel like throwing up.
i did NOT get mad, simply because he wasn't holding his thumb over the talk button on the phone, waiting for my call.

it never occurred to me to worry about it.

not that very long ago i had every reason in the world to "worry" and "fret" - cuz hank left alone at home for a day by himself was NEVER a good idea! and as i was an addict too, i'd live in the unenviable place between hope and dread....will he? won't he? will WE? won't WE?

instead i come home to short ribs simmering on the stove, a clean kitchen, a freshly showered mate and a puppy snoozing on the rug in the entry way in the sun. we talked on the tessberry on my drive home and he said, screw the grocery store, just grab some milk and smokes at sam's, the little corner grocery store, just come home, save yourself the stress.

what a difference RECOVERY makes. graces us with a life beyond imagining in the dark days of addiction, living on the razor's edge, moments from falling off into the precipice. we gain so much by letting go of so little.........once upon a time, we had a standing "date" on tuesdays (and thursdays, possibly friday, or saturday, maybe sunday) to make the call and get some sh!t. that was all we did, that was all we cared about. life was that tedious thing you did in between.

thank you rita, for gifting me with gratitude today with your heartfelt share.

[bluebelle]

Rita, Thanks for sharing! It's a good reminder to me. It helps me realize that there is definitely more to life than worrying about whether the addict is back on drugs. I definitely relate to the part about driving home from work and wondering about what I'm going to find when I get home.

Anvilhead, "power phone" is a very good word for it!

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

we gain so much by letting go of so little.........

That's recovery in a nut shell.

[liesagain]

not to hijack the thread but I wanted to ask/mention something
my life with my AH is pretty much as Anvil discribed.........we work we share kid duties he bathes the dogs and takes out the trash even sweeps and mops to give me a break we spend days at the beach, days of shopping or going to the flea market, movies and dinner with the kids, birthday parties with the family, dinner with friends, meetings and life is just that.......life
the issue is.............there are 365 days in the year and in those last 365 days on 2 seperate times out of the last year he ~~~out of nowhere leaves the house off goes the phone and hes off running for crack and then the next day...........theres the call and the severe crashing and depression( I do want to mention that he first "relapsed" the first time after 10 yrs without crack and in the beginning after the first "relapse" it was more frequent...30 days 60 days in between using but for the purpose of this post I'm talking about hhe last year)

the damage is the same despite the fact that its not Long streches of bindging and the pain is the same the lies the broken trust
but I just dont understand (and never will) how the drug has that much pull that life can be Normal and fine until its not

I swear I actually wish that his addiction had a daily showing, that he was doing all those things Rita and others say they went without last night.....that I had to witness it like that on a day to day basis then I think it may be easier..........but as it is it is just sooooo difficult to walk away

hes been an addict for the majority of his life, yet cant seem to keep it arrested.
I no longer think I can figure it out...the whats missing part but I sure as heck wish he would.

Its not a lack of action.............well at least not until that final urge hits.
He attends meetings daily he prays he meditates he has his support group and sponsor he even chairs meetings he "gives back" gives guys rides and food and clothes and he talks to me and shares how he is so grateful and that he knows its an illusion
feels like hes in a chess game in his own mind trying to stay ONE step ahead of his disease because hes been "tricked" to many times..................

yet one night of using dreams........and he throws it all away
he could have woke me and told me and said hey I'm gonna stay home today............but nope he didnt why?
he wants to use? pride?
no clue
keep asking myself............theres a 97% chance that he will ever find long term recovery.............do I want to live with the 3% of the time that hes not? when do you give up on them expecially if the continue to try continue to pick themself up and keep working towards recovery?


sorry to hijack just wanted to share my thoughts and feeling when I read this thread............
thanks guys for always beening here!!

[anvilhead]

baby, i'l never ever understand why some get it........and some don't..............why some can maybe put together some months or even years, and the BLOW.......all i do know is that we are just as susceptible as ANY addict, to give in one more time, to listen a little too intently to the voices, to let a couple bad days build up......or to simply hold ourselves in a closed fist, pretending to don the trappings of a normal life until we can take "normal" no longer.............

i remain forever ONE bad decision away.........

[liesagain]

thank you anvil

to bad there are no answers......then none of us would be here.

I Know in my head the real answer to me and my life are within me and not him...........so I guess the answer for me at this moment is to keep searching my soul my motives my payoff and figure out why I am living the 3% today and not sure that I wont live that 3% again..........

[Japic05]

BUMP as reminder . . .

There have been many post lately about newcomers living with active addiction/alcoholism.

This post is NOT to try to tell anyone that they need to leave your A - but only to show you some of the things we have been able to experience now that we have let recovery and our HP take control of our lives.

Hope these post help each of as much as they have helped others!!

[Alaia]

Rita...thank u for this. I did many of the same things. I sit here sad...missng my ex and all the good things we had...but you posting this reminds me of how it was more than how it wasn't and I shouldn't be crying, sad and lonely missing the good things. I should be happy I don't have to put up with all of the things u listed anymore. Thank u!

[liesagain]

Thanks Rita............