didnt hear from him on my birthday.

[genrs123]

well here is an update. and a vent. its just a hard day.

about two or so ago, i was still so depressed, just found a good combination of meds... but i decided i needed to focus on school and move / go to school on campus. it was too hard online, i wasnt motivated anyway etc.

right before i left, i heard XABF was trying to not drink because he missed me. even with recognized the fact that he wasnt actually in recovery etc., i still, a week before i was moving.... talked to him. about everything. it was clear he was still drinking and using coke- but a lot of the guilt that i had was better and i felt good knowing he still loved me. we had some really intimate and good conversations where i felt i did the best i could.

we exchanged a lot of i love yous and really intimate conversations that i still believe valid despite his addiction... sigh.

we agreed to write (real) letters so he could build his trust and we could keep in touch. he does NOT have my number, and during this time he JUST got my email. after i left, we exchanged emails a few times. he wrote me on valentines day. he wrote me a real letter about a week and a half after i got there. i got it after i had been there two weeks. i wrote him back immediately. he got it around the 25th of february. although i think it got there around the 20th. i still havent heard from him in pen.

however, wed been emailing frequently, all lovey dovey and then he "dissapeared". i check his social networking site, which he usually is on daily. i freaked out. i was worried. i emailed constantly. he got annoyed, but did write me. finally, and say he hadnt been home... and was at a friends house (which i do believe). and that he was going to read my letter first thing the next day when he was home.... i got really upset. sounded so uninterested and apathetic to what was going on with me .... so i told him and got annoyed. he stopped emailing. i think i freaked out some more, and then realized i was policing him about his whereabots which wasnt helpful (not to mention attractive) at all. i apologized. but said i was depressed and thinking about ending it (dramatic, i know. at the same time, i had just ran out of my meds /stopped cold turkey... and they were pending in the mail too long. i couldnt get a perscription since i just moved). and that i just had wanted to know he cared. he still doesnt respond.

so i apologized again. i said, yes i have made some mistakes out of sadness or emotion that i regret, but thats not a reason to ignore me. and that it was messed up. id been there for him when was super depressed and we have a lot of history. and i just wanted to know he cared.

he wrote back: "i love you. you know that. but i cant deal with this up and down day to day. not everything is a life or death situation. i love you more than anything. you should know that" . i wrote him back and said that sometimes i forget, and he just needed to remind me . ... and that when he dissapears etc. it was up or down for me, tooo. but then i talk about some other things- just small talk unrelated... he never writes back. that was exactly a week ago.

meanwhile, today is my birthday. he knows my birthday. its possible that he doesnt know what day it is, but he knows its my birthday.

i really want to cheww him out via email, but im writing here instead first. i just want to know that im important to him. im afraid hes going to stop caring and thinking of me- if he ever did. its hard to remember those days. and theyre apparently getting further and farther between. i just wanted to remember that i was something to him. that he loves me.

i even explained that when i didnt hear from him, it made me think he did not care... and i guess he doesnt. i am trying not to email him and remind him that it is my birthday and how much it HURTS but i dont know if thats a good idea. i want him to hurt like im hurting- from someone not caring-- but i guess he knows that i care about him so he doesnt have to ever feel that hurt.

its hard. im in a new city alone. i dont have a job. i have been to depressed to do anything... he has a job he likes now, hes "enjoying" himself, from what he told me before i left.... hes "busy" but i just have a hard time imagining that he doesnt know what its like to be in another city, alone...

thanks for letting me share.

[itisatruth]

Happy birthday from someone who cares! I'm sorry you're been feeling depressed and I hope you feel better soon ~ thank you for sharing.

Your xabf sounds like my AH because he says one thing but his actions don't always match what he's saying. Relationships can be confusing enough without adding addiction. I'm trying to focus on the actions but it's hard when the promises sound so good.

Anyway, I'm sorry your birthday hasn't been what you wanted so far but I hope you have a better day tomorrow....sometimes, depressed or not, we have to make ourselves do something for ourselves. Hugs~

[genrs123]

thank you. thank you for not making me feel bad that im still an addict and making me feel like an idiot.

you reminded me that sometimes the motivation comes after. i am going to have force myself through this... to be okay... but it is hard.

it is hard to understand why someone cant or cant do something. just like some people cant understand why someone would obsess over someone that treats them badly etc. but its just hard to understand til youve been there.

i know hes still an addict. but it just hurts. after all the BS ive put up with, i think he should be able to overlook this.

[cynical one]

Bad behavior is bad behavior, doesn’t matter which side of this you sit on. You can’t change his, but you can change yours. You’re allowing him to rent waaaay too much space in your head, and allowing his words or lack of words, to dictate how you feel. Many times we start mirroring the addict, and become even sicker than them.

[greeteachday]

I'm sorry your birthday wasn't all you expected, but I am glad you came here to share. Good for you, recognizing that you are still trying to control what he does and "make" him care. It's very hard, but if you can gradually shift some of the energy that is focused on him back to you, it will help. Have you started up your meds again? Dropping antidepressants cold turkey can really mess with your head...I hope you can work on re-establishing a relationship with a professional and getting things taken care of in your new city. Hugs

[kj3880]

Yeah, you are an addict, to your b/f! You are obsessing about him as much or more than I ever obsessed about pills. You have to get the focus back on you. Are you getting to any type of treatment or program?

KJ

[Freedom1990]

There is no one worth obsessing over anymore in my life.

I walked away from a college education and scholarship at the age of 18 to start my own research in drugs/alcohol.

After I got into recovery at the age of 28, I eventually became the single parent of two daughters, 10 years apart.

I got in college classes here and there over the years, and twice, I tried to go full-time.

Both times a family crisis arose (each time with one of the daughters) and I became completely enmeshed in the drama/chaos/pain, and once again walked away from an important goal for me and my life!

Once again, last fall, I took the plunge, and this time I made the commitment that I was not going to become enmeshed in anyone else's crap, whether it be one of my daughter's, my toxic parents, anyone.

Lo and behold, my youngest daughter had a self-imposed crisis, and despite everyone trying to suck me in, including my parents, I absolutely and 100% refused to engage, and kept focused on my goal, completing my college degree.

I am taking all of my classes online, 13 credit hours, 2 of those classes being 4 credit hours, and that means an incredible amount of self-discipline and concentration.

That meant there were days I unplugged the damned phone in order not to engage.

I had to filter my dad's emails to trash.

I attended my 12 step meetings faithfully, called my sponsor, and did whatever it took to stay out of the dysfunction and do what I needed to do for me.

I don't need someone's else's validation to make me feel good anymore. I am proud of the progress I have made in my recovery. I will not give the power to someone else to make me feel bad or ruin my day.

As long as you give him the power to make you feel bad, you will continue to be disappointed over and over, and most likely continue to affect your schooling profoundly.

Is he worth it?

:ghug :ghug

[anvilhead]

saying this gently - you did say EX boyfriend right? you are in the process of making a fresh start, why not keep it FRESH and let go of the old stale stuff? he can't give you what you need, what you want. expecting him to do so sets you up for disappointment. and who needs that?

it's your BIRTHDAY kiddo!!!!!!

look i brought a band.....

and we're gonna have a BBQ!

[Angelic17]

Hey, people are not going to think like you. You would send your ex a birthday message first thing, but men are different to begin with. They love and show love differently. Just because he didn't wish you a Happy Birthday so far, doesn't mean he doesn't care, or know it's your birthday. Men show their love in other ways. You need to love yourself enough, that anything you get from your man is just an extra bonus. Don't set yourself up for heartache. Bake a cake and make the best of your day. Happy Birthday...Angel

[atalose]

Give yourself the best present ever..............let go of your ex. Your in a new city starting a new life but you can't move forward while holding on so tight to what was in your past.

[genrs123]

i appreciate all the birthday wishes.... and thanks for taking time to read my post, and respond even. i do appreciate it.

i understand i need to "let go" but i dont really know how. the thoughts are compulsive. and, weve been together off and on 9 + years. i am 24. i havent really had another boyfriend. i cant really see myself with someone else.
i love this person, andi ve been there for him.

im afraid that i pushed him too far away, with my "reaming" and demands, even though when you do not get your needs met one becomes needier. either way, im scared of losing this person. i have a hard time seeing them as platonic, which is why we stopped being friends months after i left.

kj, i know im an addict. thats why i said that. this isnt a competition to see who is more addicted either. i am trying to get help. do you think telling an addict they are an addict is motivating for them to get help?

I am back on my meds. i am trying to focus on school, starting to build a life here. I go to a counselor, i attend al anon. but when it comes down to i just have low self esteem and i am codependent, i am depressed (still) and cant get whatever it is, people get their motivation from within.

i appreciate you letting me vent. i know i need to move on, let go, stop obessing. i just dont know how to get there.

i really just wanted this person to love me and still want to be with me. i know that it doesnt make sense, and that its not attractive, im pushing them away. that im an addict. that im acting like a crazy person. i wish i could do things differently. it makes me feel and seem desaparate. i dont want him to think i am a loser that i am nothing with out him. but i guess subconsciously this is some strange thought pattern.

it is my self esteem and self worth that need help, and my zest for a better life...

[anvilhead]

how about instead of using words like "I Have Low Self Esteem" you change that a bit and say "I am building HEALTHY Self Esteem"? we hear our own words, we believe them as if they were TRUTH. and we will always be our own self fulfilling prophecy.

iinstead of "I don't know HOW to Let Go" you can say
"I am learning how to Let Go"
instead of "i don't know HOW to stop" you can say
"Each day I am learning to change my thinking"

just cuz til now you've done things in a certain way, with a certain pattern, doesn't mean you can't learn new ways. imagine if nobody ever thought of another way to build fire than by rubbing two sticks together.

[Chino]

I got into bad habits by repetition. They may or may not have been a daily thing but they became that way.

I got into good habits the same way. The only difference between the two is, the bad habits didn't require a lot of effort.

It wasn't enough to want change, I had to be willing to make the effort and do the work.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by genrs123

kj, i know im an addict. thats why i said that. this isnt a competition to see who is more addicted either. i am trying to get help. do you think telling an addict they are an addict is motivating for them to get help?

It was pointed out that my 'relationship' with a crack addict was more like an addiction than anything else. And that got me to thinking, how does that work, what kind of behaviors would I have to 'do' to maintain that denial?

Your statement about 'competition' reminded of a flash of insight I had very recently, I would come here and look at the stories from women, more often than not with children, and tell myself-not married to her, no children with her, that I didn't have it nearly as bad as these other guys, that I could walk away from it-take it or leave it-anytime I wanted to.

I was busy comparing my situation to maintain my denial. I don't know if calling me an addict here helped at the time, but it's given me a lot of insight into my behavior.

[atalose]

As someone on here once said “When you know better you do better”. I think approaching the FINAL end of this relationship will be in abstinence, like any addiction you need to put it down and stay away from it. Stay away from triggers, common friends who may keep you updated about him. E-mail, block his, remove his phone number from your phone, etc. etc.

Get busy with another part of your life, school, work, meetings what ever it is gong to take to keep you free from your drug of choice – him.

[Serenity Bound]

Just as the others have said, you are in a new city, with new things to do, so go for it!!! Start a new life, enjoy new experiences, and take care of YOU!

Hugs