The New Person! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

jan123 · 03-05-2009, 07:10 PM

I know I shouldn't be wondering about this, but I am so please hear me out. When they leave you for another women who shares their drug habit, is it better for them or are they happier with them, because I or you didn't do drugs?
The last time I saw me ex and we discussed this I told him that he wouldn't make it with her, that two drug addicts were like two wrongs attempting to make it right. He sat there and just glared at me. I guess I hit a nerve.

He worked very, very hard to establish himself with her. Harder than he ever had to with me because I loved him so much. Even though I know that in him leaving I am better off, I still have moments where I feel that I have been rejected by a reject. One thing about him was that he loved to play the field and have women to drug and sleep with whenever he wanted. What he loved if at all possible was that I was dependable, responsible and not some giddy twenty year old. That wasn't good enough for me and it will never be. I am just having bad thoughts today thinking about how happy he is in his life. Maybe I am just a bit tired.

Josette · 03-05-2009, 07:29 PM

I am pretty new at this but I'm going to make an attempt ...

No, I do not think he rejected you for her......she is only validating his addicion and therefore he will feel no guilt towards her as he would with you. Misery is feeding on misery.

He rejected you because you are everything he wishes he could have or he could be. He probably envies you and your dependability.

They are ticking time bombs.

If he glared at you when you made that statement to him, the truth hurts.

I'm sorry your tired and this is occupying valuable space in your head.

Keep moving forward!

**cece1960** · 03-05-2009, 07:48 PM

I can't add much to what Josette said other than to thank God you are not them.

***Impurrfect*** · 03-05-2009, 07:50 PM

(((Jan123)))

As a recovering addict, I can assure that if he is still using, he's not all that happy. Sure, I may have SEEMED happy when I was using, but my entire life revolved around drugs. My XABF and I used together...it was great when we had the dope, but it was he!! when we didn't or when just one of us had it.

Life on drugs is not happy...no matter what you're seeing. The consequences always catch up to you.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but be grateful that you are able to feel your feelings, get through them and move forward. I know how you feel...when I got clean, and my XABF kept using and I was quickly replaced, I felt the same way. Now, he's in jail, and I'm getting on with my life. We're the lucky ones.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

anvilhead · 03-05-2009, 08:22 PM

when i was about 23 (i'm 49 now - cough cough), renee an infant on my shoulder, brian my 1st husband up and left one day....things had been disintegrating for awhile, our home was just a place for him to crash, clean up and head off again.....so we talked and agreed he should go, and off he went with a laundry basket full of clothes........

he left me for my "best friend" at the time.....she and her husband and brian and i were pals, we bowled together, barb and brian and i worked together at his parent's business.

i could NOT believe he left me for her.....i mean, come ON....i was so mad....i mean in one fell swoop i lost my husband AND my best friend - to whom could i cry my tales of woe? how dare he REPLACE me!!! for her????

they stayed together til his death 3 years ago. right or wrong, and as awful sometime as their relationship was, they stuck together for over 20 years.

at some point i realized it wasn't about ME...his path took him a different direction, he moved FORWARD, moved on to what was next in HIS life. see MY life diverged too.....i went on to incredilble life experiences - some devastating, some exhilerating....all of them NECESSARY to bring me to TODAY.

you are exactly where you need to be, right now.

***marle*** · 03-05-2009, 08:25 PM

My daughter knocked her abf's two front teeth out and he tried to strangle her. They were both jonesing at the time. So life together for two addicts can be a living hell. Just be glad that you are no longer part of that circle. Hugs, Marle

cessy68 · 03-05-2009, 08:38 PM

Jan,

I believe that if you are doing something in a relationship that your partner disagrees with (and that is a huge part of your existance) a person who condones it, will be a place they are drawn to.

Regardless if it is addiction or not.

Sometimes relationships just fail.

However, you haven't been rejected. I know it dosen't feel that way. But how many relationships have we all had in our lives- that lasted forever??

Most don't. Thats just reality, and someone usually has to be the heartbreaker, and the other the heartbroken.

I always use the standpoint, (that provides me comfort in those times) that I'll let him think about what he's missing.... as what he's currently engaging in my be NOWHERE near as exciting as what I'm doing.

He can sink into that abyss with her, and you can sail free - open hearted, and free.

It's karma my dear. Everyone does get their share, even if you don't see it immediatly.

Love,
Cessy

asiasunset · 03-05-2009, 08:55 PM

I know exactly how you feel. PM me and we can talk.

brownimr · 03-06-2009, 03:34 AM

I really share your same feelings. I can't help think I "lost" the fight for my marriage to a punk.

I think Josette really did well in her answer. I try to realize the feelings my wife does have about me are shame/guilt. To stay with me means having to live to a higher expectation of not using / responsibilities. They will appear happier by not living to your higher standard. How happy are you with no worries? It is only temporary for them. Responsibilities catch up, you can't keep escaping forever.

Don't ever lower your standard though. The resentment from that just festers. You deserve someone who is fully functional.

jan123 · 03-06-2009, 07:33 PM

Thank you everyone. After he left me, I found a video on my phone of him with her and it was for adults only to view. Sometimes I can't get the pictures out of my mind. He tried to smoke crack only once in our home and actually I never even realized that it was crack at the time. But he knew no more and then he kept leaving. We were engaged to get married. One day I lied and told him a girl had called for him. He got angry at me and told me to stay the he!! out of his PERSONAL life! Go figure. Sorry about intruding.

serenityqueen · 03-06-2009, 08:15 PM

There's not much more I can add to what has already been said. You really have gotten some wonderful feedback here.

I would like to touch on what Amy said, when two addicts are in a relationship and they have their dope, life is great, when they don't, life is worse than hell. But even when an addict has their drug of choice, life is still hell. Putting two addicts together just gives them someone else to validate their bullsh*t.

A healthy relationship is based on trust, honesty, communication, respect and love. When I was using, I wasn't trust worthy, I definately wasn't honest, the only way I communicated was through viscious attacks at everyone around me and the only thing I loved, was my dope. But that was a love/hate relationship.

I just hope if and when this man may come crawling back to you that you have enough respect for yourself to tell him to keep on moving down the road because you have moved on to bigger and better things. You don't need someone to treat you like this. And be grateful that you weren't one of those people who gets high with their significant other in order to keep them around. . . things could have ended up a lot worse for you.

God Bless & Thank God,
Judy

03-05-2009, 07:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
jan123 Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: delta,bc, canada Posts: 83	The New Person! I know I shouldn't be wondering about this, but I am so please hear me out. When they leave you for another women who shares their drug habit, is it better for them or are they happier with them, because I or you didn't do drugs? The last time I saw me ex and we discussed this I told him that he wouldn't make it with her, that two drug addicts were like two wrongs attempting to make it right. He sat there and just glared at me. I guess I hit a nerve. He worked very, very hard to establish himself with her. Harder than he ever had to with me because I loved him so much. Even though I know that in him leaving I am better off, I still have moments where I feel that I have been rejected by a reject. One thing about him was that he loved to play the field and have women to drug and sleep with whenever he wanted. What he loved if at all possible was that I was dependable, responsible and not some giddy twenty year old. That wasn't good enough for me and it will never be. I am just having bad thoughts today thinking about how happy he is in his life. Maybe I am just a bit tired.

03-05-2009, 07:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
cece1960 Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: City of Champions! Posts: 1,547	I can't add much to what Josette said other than to thank God you are not them. __________________

03-05-2009, 07:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 9,580	(((Jan123))) As a recovering addict, I can assure that if he is still using, he's not all that happy. Sure, I may have SEEMED happy when I was using, but my entire life revolved around drugs. My XABF and I used together...it was great when we had the dope, but it was he!! when we didn't or when just one of us had it. Life on drugs is not happy...no matter what you're seeing. The consequences always catch up to you. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but be grateful that you are able to feel your feelings, get through them and move forward. I know how you feel...when I got clean, and my XABF kept using and I was quickly replaced, I felt the same way. Now, he's in jail, and I'm getting on with my life. We're the lucky ones. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

03-05-2009, 08:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
*marle* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: East Tawas, MI Posts: 3,691	My daughter knocked her abf's two front teeth out and he tried to strangle her. They were both jonesing at the time. So life together for two addicts can be a living hell. Just be glad that you are no longer part of that circle. Hugs, Marle __________________ "If we all knew the answers, there would be no need for questions."

03-06-2009, 08:15 PM	#11 (permalink)
serenityqueen Attitude of Gratitude Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Dayton, Ohio Posts: 2,171	There's not much more I can add to what has already been said. You really have gotten some wonderful feedback here. I would like to touch on what Amy said, when two addicts are in a relationship and they have their dope, life is great, when they don't, life is worse than hell. But even when an addict has their drug of choice, life is still hell. Putting two addicts together just gives them someone else to validate their bullsh*t. A healthy relationship is based on trust, honesty, communication, respect and love. When I was using, I wasn't trust worthy, I definately wasn't honest, the only way I communicated was through viscious attacks at everyone around me and the only thing I loved, was my dope. But that was a love/hate relationship. I just hope if and when this man may come crawling back to you that you have enough respect for yourself to tell him to keep on moving down the road because you have moved on to bigger and better things. You don't need someone to treat you like this. And be grateful that you weren't one of those people who gets high with their significant other in order to keep them around. . . things could have ended up a lot worse for you. God Bless & Thank God, Judy __________________ Doing a Happy Dance in Recovery!

03-05-2009, 07:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
Josette Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 27	I am pretty new at this but I'm going to make an attempt ... No, I do not think he rejected you for her......she is only validating his addicion and therefore he will feel no guilt towards her as he would with you. Misery is feeding on misery. He rejected you because you are everything he wishes he could have or he could be. He probably envies you and your dependability. They are ticking time bombs. If he glared at you when you made that statement to him, the truth hurts. I'm sorry your tired and this is occupying valuable space in your head. Keep moving forward!

03-05-2009, 08:22 PM	#5 (permalink)
anvilhead Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 10,007	when i was about 23 (i'm 49 now - cough cough), renee an infant on my shoulder, brian my 1st husband up and left one day....things had been disintegrating for awhile, our home was just a place for him to crash, clean up and head off again.....so we talked and agreed he should go, and off he went with a laundry basket full of clothes........ he left me for my "best friend" at the time.....she and her husband and brian and i were pals, we bowled together, barb and brian and i worked together at his parent's business. i could NOT believe he left me for her.....i mean, come ON....i was so mad....i mean in one fell swoop i lost my husband AND my best friend - to whom could i cry my tales of woe? how dare he REPLACE me!!! for her???? they stayed together til his death 3 years ago. right or wrong, and as awful sometime as their relationship was, they stuck together for over 20 years. at some point i realized it wasn't about ME...his path took him a different direction, he moved FORWARD, moved on to what was next in HIS life. see MY life diverged too.....i went on to incredilble life experiences - some devastating, some exhilerating....all of them NECESSARY to bring me to TODAY. you are exactly where you need to be, right now.

03-05-2009, 08:38 PM	#7 (permalink)
cessy68 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: lancaster, PA Posts: 653	Jan, I believe that if you are doing something in a relationship that your partner disagrees with (and that is a huge part of your existance) a person who condones it, will be a place they are drawn to. Regardless if it is addiction or not. Sometimes relationships just fail. However, you haven't been rejected. I know it dosen't feel that way. But how many relationships have we all had in our lives- that lasted forever?? Most don't. Thats just reality, and someone usually has to be the heartbreaker, and the other the heartbroken. I always use the standpoint, (that provides me comfort in those times) that I'll let him think about what he's missing.... as what he's currently engaging in my be NOWHERE near as exciting as what I'm doing. He can sink into that abyss with her, and you can sail free - open hearted, and free. It's karma my dear. Everyone does get their share, even if you don't see it immediatly. Love, Cessy

03-05-2009, 08:55 PM	#8 (permalink)
asiasunset Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: outlands Posts: 7	I know exactly how you feel. PM me and we can talk.

03-06-2009, 03:34 AM	#9 (permalink)
brownimr Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 7	I really share your same feelings. I can't help think I "lost" the fight for my marriage to a punk. I think Josette really did well in her answer. I try to realize the feelings my wife does have about me are shame/guilt. To stay with me means having to live to a higher expectation of not using / responsibilities. They will appear happier by not living to your higher standard. How happy are you with no worries? It is only temporary for them. Responsibilities catch up, you can't keep escaping forever. Don't ever lower your standard though. The resentment from that just festers. You deserve someone who is fully functional.

03-06-2009, 07:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
jan123 Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: delta,bc, canada Posts: 83	Thank you everyone. After he left me, I found a video on my phone of him with her and it was for adults only to view. Sometimes I can't get the pictures out of my mind. He tried to smoke crack only once in our home and actually I never even realized that it was crack at the time. But he knew no more and then he kept leaving. We were engaged to get married. One day I lied and told him a girl had called for him. He got angry at me and told me to stay the he!! out of his PERSONAL life! Go figure. Sorry about intruding.

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