Is there hope?

[livingalie]

I read the post on here about Miss who lost her friend to an OD and I got thinking about my life. Then I got thinking about my abf. Then the tears started. I feel so lost in my own life. It's so hard to deal with all this. I'm the type that let's things get so far gone that all at once it hits me. Then I'm in a state of shock. I know that's a horrible way to handle things, but it is just how I am. And yes, I know I need to change that about me...

I desperately wanted to go to a meeting tonight - I needed to go, but I missed it. My work held me up too late, babysitter cancelled last minute, my gas light came on on my way home from work... It was like the planets were aligned against me getting there. I can go tomorrow, but I feel like I'm going to be on the floor bawling my eyes out before the night is over. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything.

Please tell me there is hope. I can't see it tonight. The fog around my life is too thick. I've been so positive up until now and I don't know where I let it slip back into the slick-walled hole in the ground.

[cessy68]

Living,
are you asking if there is hope - that your abf will get clean? (like are you afraid of dyeing)?

trying to figure out what your asking....
cessy

[livingalie]

Sorry. I see I should've clarified.

I'm not afraid of dying - the unfortunate part of being human is we have a 100% mortality rate. I am afraid he will go out on one of his binges and die. He is a good person in his heart, though I know that is not what drives him now.

I am afraid if I let him go to get my life back on track, and he dies, I will feel guilty. I think that is why I have been with him for this long - guilt. I feel obligated to help him for some reason - I'm a codie, I know. I think it's in my nature. I was a medic for a time and that was my job - to help those who couldn't help themselves.

I'm just wondering if there is hope after the addict is out of my life? Is there hope that I can let go and will be ok with whatever happens after that?

[cece1960]

I hate the black hole, and I know that because I've been there too often.

What has worked for me is to concentrate on one day at a time. If I look too far into the future, and I let myself worry about all of the things that "could" happen, I miss what is happening.

Often what is happening is nothing bad.

I can not control what "will" happen to my son. Worry will not change the course. And if I could change his dangerous choices, I would have done that a long time ago.

I'm left with no other choice than to lead my life, as best I can.

Its easier some days than others, but I try my best.

[imallright]

Oh, Living... I know how that all feels. Somehow we get to a place where we think that no matter what happens, it is our responsibility or fault. It's not. You (and I ) deserve to be happy, healthy and sane. Tough to order when you are living with an addict ... using or not.

So glad you are going or getting to meetings and coming here. Ok, so it stinks that you couldn't get there today. Get through tonight. Keep talking here, go to bed... whatever you need and then tomorrow, back at it again. Get to that meeting. One day, one minute at a time. About 6 - 12 months ago, I felt like all I did was cry. I kept coming back here, reaching out for support, getting to meetings when I could and it does get better. Dont' get me wrong... life is still rough... but at least I am clear about my boundaries when it comes to dealing with AH.

You will be ok. Keep coming here and be good to yourself. You are moving forward and doing tons to keep yourself out of the black hole. We will keep the light on for you!!!!

HUGS

[timetogo]

I am afraid he will go out on one of his binges and die.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to control this. For me, it was sooooo hard to admit and accept that there was nothing, nothing that could change his behaviour except him. I would drive all over town looking for his vehicle, finding it, trading and leaving mine with no keys, just so he wouldn't get caught drinking and driving. In the end, it didn't work. The night he was charged for the fourth time, I decided to not look for him -- then blamed myself for him getting charged. How sick is that?

He is a good person in his heart, though I know that is not what drives him now.


That's why we love them -- we know that they are good people somewhere deep inside -- we have seen it before. We know they are in pain, we're human and don't want to see them in pain. They are sick. But when they're sick and refuse to get treatment for it, they will only get sicker -- just like any other disease. My husband is wonderful, kind, loving, caring, a great friend, a good father, a hard worker, a liar, a cheater, a cocaine abuser and an alcoholic. It's so hard to watch this horrible demon of a disease take them down.

Is there hope that I can let go and will be ok with whatever happens after that?

I have come to truly believe that this is MY only option. I cannot continue to try to save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. I cannot stand back and let someone (who is supposed to love me) continually drag me into their black hole. Mentally, physically and financially ruining me. Dragging me down with them. For me, to stay guarantees heartache and hurt (nothing changes if nothing changes). To leave opens up a world of endless possibilities for myself -- for my one and only life.

It is hard to let go -- the most painful thing I have ever tried to do -- and I have a long way to go and so much to learn. But for me, there came a point that it was way harder not to.

Take care of you
Laurie

[cynical one]

Originally Posted by livingalie

I was a medic for a time and that was my job - to help those who couldn't help themselves.

The difference is, he is the only one that CAN help himself...if he's allowed to.

[cessy68]

Living,

I know how you feel and I'm going to describe something I did, (in detail) that completly changed how I feel about the subject you just brought up. I will preface this by saying, that yes, I am still with him. And yes, I have alot to do, to end things.... but this was a defining moment in my realization that I can't changed things.

It was back in early January, I asked the abf to leave. I packed his suitcases and he finally went. During his two weeks at a hotel down the road from our home, he was on a mission from god to 'make it right' between us.

On a sat night, (when I continued to ignore his pleas for reconciliation) he went out.

According to friends, he really tied one on, with the pills and drinking.

Sunday - his buddies asked me to please get a hold of him- (no one could reach him) He had called me (very late sat. nite, and left a garbaled message...from the hotel.)

Nobody had heard from him all day. COMPLETELY not like him. I caved in, went to the hotel, (even though I wouldn't see/talk to him in over a week.) His car was out front. I called the front desk... I called his cell...

Finally I went in and lightly tapped on the hotel room door.... and tapped louder, and louder.... till I was banging. He never answered. (it was now 7pm at night.)

I sat there with my heart pounding... with an internal dialogue that went as follows: "oh my god, oh, my god, do I get them to open the door?? OH MY GOD, he's dead in there, oh my god...." I was crying like mad, I went outside, in my car, called, and called him... still no answer. I was convinced he was dead in that room. I was sure he finally did it in good enough to kill himself.....

Finally (almost curled in a fetal position in my car )- and hyperventilating- a car pulls in the lot. He gets out of his friends car, and sees me.... "OH MY GOD- I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.... i'm practically on my knees sobbing... gut wrenching whales comming from my face coverd in panic, tears, and everyother fluid from nose, mouth and eyes.

He was shocked... and said... "I went for sushi, I left my phone in the room... "

I got in my car and left.

He did try to get clean after that... he came home, and has since relapsed.

Why I told you that story, (that I used to be ashamed of) and now I'm not.... is because I didn't know any better at the time.

Living, after that moment, a part of me died, from truely believing he was dead. I realized that if he had died, there wasn't a DAMN thing I could have done about it.
I realized that as you said, we have a 100% mortality rate, and I couldn't /can't do a damn thing about it if he dies from drugs, or if he dies in a plane crash.

I learned that in reality- I would be devestated either way, however, neither cause of death would have ANYTHING IN THE WORLD to do with me. I will never feel guilty. I will never feel responsible. I never, use the words never... but after what I went through that night- (which made him feel sooo friggin bad, seeing me devestated, screaming, "I thought you were dead, dead, dead, 100xs-) he went on to get clean and go to meetings....

Now he's back on the pills. I've done all I could. I reminded him of that night, and just said- "If you die, or have a stroke - I'm not going to feel guilty. If I leave you, and this pushes you further into addiction, I'm not going to feel guilty.

Having explained this to him, in a calm fashion, with substantial reasons for why I feel this way, he does get it.

THe experience has set me free.

I hope that there is hope for all addicts.

I know this hurts. Some lightbulb moment WILL come for you, and you too, will be free of the guilt.

Lots of love my friend,
Cessy

[livingalie]

Cessy, I cannot thank you in words for sharing that story with me. I have been there with my abf. He went missing for 4 days and did not call me - once. I called every place he usually turns up - nothing. My last call on the morning of day 4 was the county morgue. He was not there. I found him at a shelter he had mentioned once before in one of our conversations so I went by - he was there.

I felt so guilty during those 4 days. Like I could've prevented some of it. I could've locked up my truck keys, I could've locked up my purse (so he couldn't get to my money), I could've, I could've....

I realized nothing I could've done would have stopped him.

I want to detach, I want to leave or him to leave. I want to move forward with my life - as busy as it is. I don't want to worry about him either. I want to hope that one day, he'll pull his head up straight and see life for what it is - a wonderful, beautiful, short adventure that can be shared or walked through alone.

I lvoe him - with all my body and soul. I know what's in his heart - it's what attracted me to him from the moment I saw him. But it's a painful love and that doesn't make sense to me. Love shouldn't hurt or be hurtful.

My torn part tonight is how to move forward. How to let him fall.

[livingalie]

Originally Posted by cynical one

The difference is, he is the only one that CAN help himself...if he's allowed to.

Thanks cynical.

The hardest part with my job is that it was to help those who didn't help themselves, even though they had the means and opportunity.

Once, right after I started with the city I lived in, we got a call for a stabbing victim. He was a young kid - not much older than I was - who had gotten into a fight with another guy over a girl...and drugs. The other guy brought a knife and stabbed him 23 times throughout his body. By all accounts, this boy should've died - his heart rate was falling, his breathing was shallow, he was incoherent and bleeding more than I have ever seen.

But we saved him. We got him to hospital in time for the doctors to repair his collapsed lung, his nicked and severed arteries. We saved someone who had led his life to the point of death.

I have felt that throughout my life. I felt like I have to save those who are hurting and cannot find a way out. I felt that my positive nature will help them to see there is a life worth living.

I know I have to take care of myself first otherwise I can't help anyone, but that doesn't stop me from being there for everyone - my friends, family, coworkers.

I want to help me first. I really want to. I just don't know where to start.

[liesagain]

livingalie

many of us here know and share your heartache..........many of us to many times to count
yet something in US keeps us stuck.......for me its fear and guilt. I work on this everyday and more with every relapse yet I have not been able to completely detach
I'm making progress I know that beyond doubt but still have soooo very far to go

keep reading keep sharing and know that your not alone

[liesagain]

and I wanted to add........and maybe we should take a poll

but soooo many of us are "caretakers"
teachers nurses medics doctors therapist even.............
we fit the mold we are what addicts are drawn to
and THEY are what we are drawn to WE WANT someone to FIX and somehow don't grasp the fact that we CAN'T fix addiction

[Impurrfect]

I agree with ((Lies)) - I was an RN, and a VERY good codie! Heck, even when I was an active addict, I looked out for the other addicts and even the dope boys.

I have been in recovery for my addiction and codependence for a while. I can honestly say, the codie part (to me) is harder than the addiction. I've pretty much figured out what I need to do to stay in recovery for my addiction.

In relationships, however, there are just so many emotions attached, it's harder.

I understand how hard it is to learn how to take care of yourself first. I didn't know how either...I learned by reading on this forum. I lurked, for months, then finally joined in. Then I began taking baby steps, and just started trying things other people had suggested or said that worked for them.

With each little success, I got a bit more confident.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by livingalie

Please tell me there is hope. I can't see it tonight. The fog around my life is too thick. I've been so positive up until now and I don't know where I let it slip back into the slick-walled hole in the ground.

There is hope. For you. The only person in the universe that you can do anything for.

[anvilhead]

what if.....you let him have control and direction of his own life back, and you get on with the business of living YOURS?

i often think that when they go missing our minds leap to the worst case scenario (ie dead in a ditch somewhere) so we don't have to deal with the REALITY of the situation - they went off to dope and WE cease to exist in their world. and it isn't that they CAN'T contact us, THEY DON'T WANT TO.

it is truly tragic when any addict dies from this disease....but drug addiction is like playing russian roulette. however the more normal course of continued longer term addiction is well put by NA - Jails, Institutions and Death. all a potential result of THEIR choice to continue to abuse drugs. we gotta keep that in mind.....recovery is possible for ANY addict. but they have to make the choice and commitment.

you ask how to let him fall. you can't, you are not what is holding him UP. you are not his LIFEFORCE. he has his own destiny and his own path to walk. and it belongs to HIM. even if he makes a complete utter mess of it.

something to think about....you said when he went on that little 4 day spinner, he took YOUR truck and raided YOUR wallet for YOUR cash. how handy. he simply availed himself of the resources on hand. your truck became his transpo and your cash funded his party. perhaps the greatest favor you could be doing him is to remove those resources from his reach. perhaps getting out of the way will be in everyone's best interest.....?