bluebelle

I'm not sure what my "recovering" ABF is up to. Today, I saw a Liboderm patch on his leg. Of course, he doesn't know how it got there. It must have gotten in his shorts in the wash, etc. I know that he stopped the Suboxone two days ago. Or, at least that's what he says. The Liboderm patch is made of lidocaine, and it is not a narcotic. I looked all over the net, and I don't think it is considered addictive. However, if ABF is pulling that kind of crap, then he's not doing well. He supposedly has an appointment with his psychiatrist on Friday. I don't think that he's talked with his counselor in the past two weeks since he got sick. (We've both had the same cold.) He did get some work. I've seen the check, and seen the work that he's been doing. So, that's an improvement. He claims that he's been getting out of the house, but I have no proof of that. I just get so sick of the lying. I didn't yell at him. I just said that there is no way that it appeared like that on its own. It didn't just accidently appear on his leg. I haven't said anything else. I just went into the other room and looked it up on the Internet. This upsets me, but I don't think there is a thing that I can do. This is his crap. It just upsets me because I can't stand the lying and I wish it would stop at some point.

suzieq1972

The medicine in the LIDODERM patch works locally—right where the pain is—with very little entering your bloodstream.

LIDODERM penetrates just deep enough to soothe your damaged nerves and relieve your pain. It is not a narcotic. When used as directed, only a small amount is absorbed into your bloodstream, and it should not make you feel drowsy. It can be used daily with a low risk of interactions with other medicines you may be taking. from the Lidoderm pain patch website

My XAH was prescribed these patches for his back pain. They are usually used for pain from shingles or other nerve related pain. I don't think he ever got anything out of using them.




Sue

outtolunch

LIDODERM is not addictive and is sometimes used by addicts to offset discomfort of withdrawals. " Assuming" he's weened off Subs, this sounds almost normal. But then again, if it was normal he would have a clue how it got on his leg.

Addicts say the darndest things.

bluebelle

I'm sure it is Liboderm, because I grabbed it when he tried to show me that it was just something from the dryer. I looked at it under the light, and brought it into here by my computer.

He may be trying to fight the muscle aches. I don't know. He just took an Epson salt bath. Probably for the same reason. However, he lied about it, and that really worries me. I get so tired of the stories. I also worry that he is trying to find easy fixes. I don't know. It just makes me sad and makes me want to withdraw into a cocoon.

I really, really don't want to fight with him about this. We've had too many screaming matches over the past few months. It's exhausting. I guess I'll just say nothing. Maybe he'll come up with an explanation that will be more reasonable than saying it just appeared there on its own. Of course, I have no way of believing anything that comes out of his mouth.

Abundance

Well for whatever reason he is going to say he was being secretive... this event is going to have 2 separate thoughts and feelings.

It is not acceptable to you that he is not telling you what the heck is going on. End of story. Stay with that. You know he has lied - now it is up to him to figure out how to live with himself. And you stay in your realm ... and take emotion out of it. Remember the 3 C's.

Keep staying in your own space. Get out if you need to. Think about what you are going to do for yourself. Let him stew. You don't need this crazy making. Step out of it.

HUGS....

kathy306

No worries with Lidoderm. Maybe he thought it was something more. There is a huge problem with addicts and Duragesic patches. Many of them actually inject it, so proper disposal is imperative.

Abundance

I don't think it's about what the liboderm is... (it wouldn't be that way for me)... because it is non- addictive. The not being honest about why/how it got there is what would bug me. And in recovery - the best thing to do is... not re-act.

By you freaking out, it only adds to the "event" and makes him have to think about more and can then transition his concern to trying to not make you freak out by telling you more things. Does that make sense? So ... calm yourself down. Stay in your box... and when you are ready to calmly exert your energy towards him and "act"..... then engage. Put your toes in the water and if he is ready to be honest - then talk together.

Do you have an agreement about you knowing what meds he is on and/or when?

hello-kitty

are you kidding me?

bluebelle

Yeah, this stuff does make me crazy. I see one thing (a patch on his leg), and I get some ridiculous story that is obviously bs. I really appreciate everybody's comments. It helps me stay calm and not feel like I'm losing my mind. He hasn't talked about it yet. He went to the bedroom and read his recovery materials for awhile. Then, he just laid in the bed. Now, he is telling me how awful he feels and how he sick of feeling bad. He is going to his psychiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully she'll help.

At this point, I really don't have the energy to get all angry/upset. It's just that each of these lies erode at our relationship. I'm not sure how you are supposed to have a relationship with all these lies. He claims that he doesn't lie about everything--just drugs. I guess that's supposed to make it better. He had to have gotten that patch from a doctor--which means that he had to go to some doctor and make up a story. Who knows what else he is up to.

Abundance, you're right. I don't need to blow this up. At this point, I just need to tell myself that I'm not crazy. I know the truth. He knows he lied. So, it wouldn't do me any good to argue with him about it. This is his business. He can do with it what he wants.

I'm afraid that because of this, we didn't go walking, and I didn't get any studying done. I would like to get through these events without falling apart and screwing up what I need to do.

I'll have to say--at this point, I'm happier at work than at home. Home seems dark and depressing. As soon as I get home, he's all whiny. I need to learn to separate myself from that. I can't let his mood get me down.

Abundance

Yep bluebelle... keep staying in your box. He's figuring out what he is doing. Focus on yourself... and then come together.

You are doing great!

Is there something you can do right after work so you can have a good transition from work to home that is just for you? You don't need to go down in that dark place with him. Take care of yourself...... xoxoxo

bluebelle

Abundance, That's a good idea. I'm sure there is something I could do once I get home that would be different. I guess I'm kind of stuck in a rut. The funny thing about me saying that work isn't as depressing as home is that I work in a psych facility.

outtolunch

This is his business. He can do with it what he wants.

Good Mantra.

laurie6781

You know.............................................. ....having been on both sides of the fence, has been helpful to me in many ways.

First, you are EXPECTING (yep, YOUR expectations again) for someone fairly new in recovery to STOP BSing (lying). Now just because a person is in recovery DOES NOT MEAN that immediately they can erase YEARS of how they do or did something. Thus..................yes there will be BSing (no, I am not making excuses, just a fact) for months to come, even with those WORKING HARD on recovery.

Recovery is PROGRESS not perfection. Old habits, old tapes, are slowly erased by new habits and new tapes. Getting sober and clean and becoming 'honest', immediately, not going to happen. I have seen it too too many times with the sponsees I work with, it just takes TIME.

Ok, now my AlAnon hat. With the above being said.......................................having been in that position myself, it still took AlAnon for me to understand that I could .....................calmly and succinctly, in a quiet but firm voice give my boundaries to the recovering person. Stand by those boundaries and stand by the consequences.

I have become a staunch believer that the person in recovery does much better by going for 3, 6, to 9 months to a "Sober Living Facility", wherein they start learning HOW to LIVE sober. They learn it with others in various stages of recovery. They learn from 'strangers' rather than their loved ones. I don't care if it is a daughter, son, mother, father, wife or husband. Send them, insist on it, demand it, whatever, that they not return to the current home, but instead hit a Sober Living Facility.

This is J M H O but I have seen the differences it can make in the Addicts life and the Family's Life.

Love and hugs,

bluebelle

Laurie,
Thanks for your response. It helps to hear both sides of the story. ABF has accused me several times of wanting perfection, and expecting him to be "fixed" right away. It helps me to remember "progress not perfection."

The patch thing really bothers me because I'm afraid that he must have gone to a doctor and said he was having back pain to try to get more pills. Or, I guess he could have had one of those patches laying around. I don't know. He hasn't said anything about it. I'm hoping that he will want to talk about it at some point and he will bring it up.

If he does get more pills, he's in big trouble. He tells me that he signed an agreement with the psych that she will monitor what he is getting from the pharmacy and she will turn him into the police if he tries to get any opiates.

What he did tell me is that he is feeling very poorly. He feels very frustrated because all of his hard work at recovery isn't helping him. He just seems really down and depressed. I've seen improvement in him during the past 2 months. He's found good work, he's been playing guitar again, he's been meditating, etc. I think stopping the Suboxone has just been really hard.

We haven't really looked at any inpatient treatment. Would they do that for Oxycodone abuse? In the past, he has looked at intensive outpatient therapy, but he didn't like the cost. His psych appointment is in a few minutes. He said that he would call me afterwards and tell me how it went.

I have a boundary set that he needs to be honest with me. I don't have any kind of consequences if he isn't. It just means that I trust him less, and it puts more burden on him to prove it when he's being honest. I don't know what kind of consequence to set. I don't see myself saying, "You have to be honest, or move out." or something like that.

I feel depressed, anxious, and very powerless.

bluebelle

Anvilhead, What you say makes sense. I was thinking about it on the way home today. I am having trouble with trying to control things which are outside my control. The women in my family have a tendency to be anxious and controlling. They all drove me crazy--my great grandmother, grandmother, and mom, yet I have a tendency to do the same thing.

I guess things are going better with ABF. He's talking with his friend on the phone, and sounds much better than he was before his appointment.

I talked to him before his appt and told him he could call me afterward if he wanted to. He didn't call, and I didn't try to call him either. I figured he needed to do things on his own. I realize that I need to let go and let him figure this stuff out himself. I really have enough enough to do on my own between work & school.

bluebelle

I just wanted to thank those of you who responded to this discussion. You really helped me to not scream, yell and cry when dealing with situation. ABF is back on the Suboxone, and is 100% different. His psychiatrist is going to keep him on it for at least another month. He told her about the Lidoderm incident. He never apologized to me for the incident. I guess that's o.k. He did say that he really appreciated how I handled the it. This is the first time that an incident like this hasn't ended in total drama. I'm glad that I got on here and posted before I did anything. It helped me put things in perspective.

greeteachday

Excellent...I found that when I chose not to dance our addiction dance, things got better. I can't control the addiction, nor the addict, but I can control my actions and reactions. Even when my daughter still was struggling to stay clean, our relationship improved dramatically because I let her handle her recovery while I focused on mine. I couldn't keep that focus without shifting the projecting and "future-tripping" to gratitude for today. Hugs.

marle

Just wanted to let you know that my daughter has been on Suboxone for 9 months and I really don't care if she stays on it forever. It is infinitely better than the alternative. She also suffers from depression and the subs help her with that. Also Suboxone helps to repair the receptors in the brain that have been damaged by opiate addiction. My daughter recently tried to go from 8mgs. to 6 and then to 4 but found that she started to have symptoms of withdrawal that right now she just can't handle. So she went back to the 8 mgs. and is feeling much better. I try not to interfere with her recovery as she knows how she is feeling. One other thing is if he went to the doctor for pain relief, he probably would have gotten something stronger than the Lidoderm patches. So maybe he is just trying to ease the pain of withdrawal. Lying about it is not cool, though. Hugs, Marle