drumman83

Hey everyone. I'm new to this whole experience and just trying to cope with this whole situation. Three weeks ago my wife of 2 years and I had an argument that led to her hitting me and wanting me to hit her back. I tried to let everything cool down before anything else happen but the next day I found out that she had been living a second life for the last year ( she says less but I think longer). She has had a history of kidney stones and had to be prescribed oxycodone for the pain. I tried to be aware of the amount taken since my mother had warned me of the possible addiction (she's a nurse). I had caught my wife taking more than she needed and confronted her twice about it and made her aware that I was suspicoius. I thought I caught it. Over the last year, I have been to the e r 19 times for her "pain" and been refused treatment from 2 er's. She was so good in faking it and making me feel horrible about not trusting her. She even went trough a non-needed surgery for the pills. We have since seperated but I don't know how I can ever trust her again and don't know if I can get over the lying and pain she put me through. My mother was married to an alcoholic for 3 years. She took him back again and again but it didn't work out in the end. He always went back. If I didn't know about this second life she led, how will I ever know if she has gone back?? Please help!!!

itisatruth

Is divorce the right thing? Only you can answer that for yourself. Joining SR, I think, will be a way for you to start answering it. I'm glad you found us -there are a lot of people who share their experiences, strength, and hope. With them/through them, I have learned a lot about what I want/don't want. Hope you can find some answers too.

What has helped me more than anything else has been to take care of myself again. What I mean by that is that is I began to learn what was acceptable and not acceptable to me, I took steps towards getting myself healthier both mentally and physically, and I learned to accept that I cannot change, cure, or control my AH. Expressing to him exactly what I can live with and enforcing those boundaries has been a big challenge. For me, it has been a long process. Maybe you will learn faster than I did.

You are right about one thing: you will not be able to control whatever it is she decides to do. Your task will be to decide what you want if/when she uses again.

cessy68

So sorry you are going through this. I have an abf who is addicted to opiate pain killers.
I have tried, and tried and soooo tried, to stick it out.

We have lived together for 4yrs.

It's never ending is all I can say to you----- perhaps others here have been lucky to have a better outcome- but for me?? Look at my other post, he's right back where we started.

I'm again, so sorry that you are going through this- it is a aweful thing. Most people on pain pills are able to hide their addiction and function (my experience) it then becomes a crazy makin thing on our end, trying to deal with the down side of their addiction.

Please keep posting- I will help any way I can.

Love,
Cessy

357girl

itisatruth has some great advice and I agree with setting boundaries, not for what your wife should do, but what you are willing to live with. Perhaps your boundary in order for you to try to work on your marriage could be that your wife needs to seek out treatment. If she doesn't, then that is her choice. Opiate addiction is very hard to kick. My daughter started early and the only boundary I set for her (and at this time I didn't realize it was a boundary) was that if she wanted to live in my house, she had to enter detox and go to treatment and that if she wanted to keep using, she would have to live elswhere. She had no where else to go and wound up sleeping on a friend's porch the night I told her of my boundary. Nothing else that I had tried up until then had worked, she just kept stealing from my husband and I, small things that we didn't realize right away (my husband's tools in the garage, her car stereo, the stereo in her room, a new camera, IPOD, etc.). Then, all of her savings bonds that were supposed to be used for her education disappeared. Geez, I was such an idiot to not realize what she was doing. They ARE so good about hiding their addiction, aren't they? Even while in the waiting room at the hospital, my daughter was in pain for withdrawal and really wanted to leave and not seek treatment. And I didn't make her stay for admittance into detox, she just knew that she wouldn't be coming home with me if she decided to leave. As painful as opiate withdrawal is, it is not life threatening, just incredibly painful. Anyway, sorry to ramble about me, but I know that what you are facing with your wife is, in some ways, what I am dealing with now too, except for with me it's my daughter and I have to be willing to give up my relationship with her if she begins to use again when she returns home. I am finding it incredibly helpful to attend classes on addiction and how it affects the family. If you have insurance, perhaps you can start looking into some substance abuse counseling for yourself. That would be a good start.

It' a long road ahead, but I do keep reminding myself that we have to take this one day at a time. It is not just the addict's recovery that is necessary, it is our own.

Take care of yourself,
~C

drumman83

I appreicate all the advice and I know that it's only me that can make the call but I guess I just wonder if the trust will ever come back for her. I still feel alot of anger towards her and I not sure if that's how I am suppose to feel. I also keep thinking about how, in the future, our relationship can deal with our families now that this has put our two families against eachother. Just can't stop going back and forth in my head.

357girl

If you're at all into trying it, an Al-Anon family support group might be very helpful for you.

I am new to this online support group and new to being in a family with an addict. My husband and I have only gone to 6 classes on various addiction topics at the treatment center where our daughter is. On Tuesday night, a speaker from Al-Anon came to talk with the family members. He said meetings have done wonders for his marriage. His wife has been sober for 6 years. His wife is very active in her AA meetings and he is very active in his own Al-Anon meetings. It's just a thought if you are looking for support in your area.

~C

Spinner-007

Drummer, I dont know if this helps but of where I'm at right now. I've been going through this for 2 years with my wife, and I have 4 kids to consider.

I can tell you how I've felt/feel, and let it serve as something to bounce off of. Sorry if any of it sounds harsh.

Trust: not anymore. It's not her, its the addiction. It looks like my wife I'm talking to, but behind the eyes that's promised me everything is a mind fixated on trying to find a pill. I don't feel the pain of the lies/deceit/theft too much anymore. Grown numb from it, and it's also not intended to be personal. Its just what addicts do(sounds like the mob, doesn't it? Nuttin' personal, mack...)Read the "What Addicts Do" post. its an eye opener, and it's true.

Will it ever come back? I don't know, and with each passing day/event, I don't think it ever will. Even if she does kick it, and we manage to stay together, there is always the spectre of the addiction in the back of my mind, and I will always be wary of the red flags, no matter what. It sucks, and I know I deserve to be in a happy loving marriage. Not an emotionally guarded one.

To be fair: something could happen to me where I need pain meds and I end up becoming addicted. But that part I don't know will, or can ever, happen, while with her, I know it did and can rise again anytime.

Families: her family will circle their wagons around her, and mine have done the same for me. Unless they're exposed to this before, they all think that's it's something that happened during the marriage, and not from other issues before. ('It's got to be SOMEBODY'S fault')...The best thing is to get them to Naranon(seperate meetings, I may suggest!). If they really want to help, they'll go and try to understand what's going on with this. If they don't to try, then their criticisms aren't worth a grain of salt.

Before kids: I know myself well enough to know that after she failed the first time that I wouldn't still be here. Now that I have the kids to think about, the situation is much harder than you'll ever imagine.

If you leave, try and not take it as a personal failure. Everyone has different levels of tolerances with everything, and until someone has walked in your shoes, their opinions shouldn't be made to be more than their worth.

Again, I apologize if this sounds harsh and calculating. If you would've seen the tears in my childrens' eyes while we were struggling to get their doped-up mother into the car to go to the ER, and hear the crying afterward the car leaves, it's hard for me to be any other way about it.

It's not an easy choice, amigo, but it's easier than mine...

Freedom1990

I thought divorce was the answer for me, but I had codependency issues that went everywhere I went, even after the divorce.

It was painful, and I continued to engage in unhealthy relationships, always rationalizing they were different than the EXAH, but in reality, none of them were healthy in any sense of the word.

That was a tough pill for me to swallow, but when I finally did, I started to heal and make better choices in my life.

Only you know what is right for you.

Latte

Wow, are you married to me? Just kidding.

I'm clean and sober today thanks to getting caught. I overdosed and my children were in the house. I'm not going to go into all the details, but it's been almost two years. I thank God every day that the District Attorney brought charges against me. I went to rehab, and then through the mental health court here in my area. Gosh, it hasn't been easy but I'm so thankful for my sobriety today and that my husband stuck around. It is.not easy to repair the marriage but we are both dedicated. We're working on 13 years with two kids and a house. I just made some really pretty cookies for my daughters V-day party and finished getting their cards ready for their classes. I am so blessed for this second chance.

Mmartin87

I finally am putting my foot down. And of all times to do it I wish I had more evidence to support my reasoning other then gut feeling he is using again ( money gone, never sleeps, in garage all night sometimes found there in morning sleep, old friends around that are no good, and he refused a drug test i sprung on him)
I can't keep living in an empty marriage full of distrust , fear, anxiety of what next??
I put my foot down and he isn't getting that I'm serious

He continues to make comments like you wanna do something as a family together with our daughter (3)
I continue to have to remind him I'm not changing my mind ( just waiting on consultation )
Fearful he will contest based on how he is acting now. Nice, sweet, saying he will try counseling and he is trying to change now...
Well I've asked all of this from him for years and I can't do it anymore. Trying to stay strong and remember the reason behind this

Mmartin87

You sound like me. My case it is my husband and I have played the divorce card once before and didn't follow through. Thought I'd give him another chance and here we are a year later and his behavior as of lately led to me looking at bank statements and getting a drug test for Him to take He refused to take drugs test and made several accounts as to where all the money was going but nothing that made me feel secured. I'm talking 4000 just in September. We don't have that kind of money. I have completely seperated my account from his last year but this account he uses is tied to his dads and everything he withdrew would be credited back. I'm so at a loss of what to do. Like you our families are own complete different sides and they all give me advise and their opinions on the matter. Hang in there.