How can he leave with no apology, no remorse and not look back?

Old 01-06-2017, 05:03 PM
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How can he leave with no apology, no remorse and not look back?

So, new to this forum and need some advice or clarification or something. Long story short, was with axb for 18 months, of course at first said he didn't drink or so drugs "that much"... then I moved in with him after 4 months and that's when it all came out! Lying about coke to my face (while literally on his nose), drinking to the point of no return, then confessing to doing coke all those time I accused him (while lying) and then saying it was his in the head... all while never saying he had a problem... then a assault charge, then issues with my friends.... oh he got better (meaning probably hid it much better) then would tell me when he would get it and I was so happy he was finally being "honest" with me... still drinking and fighting.. moved into a house, 3 months later after he went out with his best friend (never trusted them together because they would drink and do coke) I went to the house in the morning and found a condom!! He actually cheated!! I kicked him out and it's been almost 2 months and I'm still devasted and sad.. while I'm sure he's "fine". He barely apologized and I haven't heard anything from him! After all that time and everything, he just walks away... like nothing, no big deal... how can that be? How can he not apologize and how can he just leave me, the relationship.. totally screwed me over! I'm just trying to make sense of it and it's so hard! I guess it was probably much worse than I ever imagined? Right? Ugh, thank you everyone for listening! It's such a horrible place to be!
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Old 01-06-2017, 05:19 PM
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There is no "sense" to it.
It is heartbreaking.
You were not wrong for hoping & believing & loving.
There are good & honorable people in this world, & he was not one of them.

The gift is that the truth of him was revealed.
Now you get to construct the life you want. You get the space to find the good person you deserve.

There won't be an apology. That's ok. There are some things that just can't be fixed with apologies anyway.

Hang in there. You've found an excellent place to heal...
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Old 01-06-2017, 05:24 PM
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Hello hope- I can offer no wise words. I am the alcoholic who ruined my family. Not assault or cheating- but that matters little to me. Just so you know I am not a lying hound- I leave my family alone, agreed to everything the ex asked for in the divorce and am nearly a year sober.

My experience is alcohol became my world. Nothing else mattered. No my ex, my sons, career- house. Lost all of that. The alcohol consumed me. It became more important than I did. It was only through extreme events I chose to change.
Have you got support on the ground? AL-Anon is one. There are lots of threads in the newcomers area at SR- including one for women only. Read around . You have my prayers. You are grieving and that takes time and support to deal with.
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Old 01-06-2017, 07:23 PM
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I'm sorry for what has brought you here to SR, endings are not easy. There is sadness, disappointment, hurt, regret and anger.

I know 18 months may seem like a long time to you but for so many of us here we see it as thankfully it was only 18 months of your life spent with an active addict.

The lies, the assault, the cheating is NO reflection of you or anything you did or said...............this is often the character defects of some addicts.

When you think about someone who lies, cheats, steals, etc...........getting an apology from them is kind of meaningless isn't it? I mean how would you know if it was even real.

We use reason, we use logic and often have high moral standards along with un-realistic expectations for someone who has lied to us and cheated on us to give us a meaningful apology...........not going to happen.

We all want to believe that we mattered to them, that they loved us and we held a special place in their lives, I think that is why an apology seems so important.

Now is the time for self-reflection on why you moved so fast and so hard with this relationship and stayed after knowing he was lying to your face. What he did is the easy part, he's an addict and he did what addicts do. The hard part is in figuring out you and all of your why's.
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Old 01-07-2017, 04:14 AM
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Hi, Hopetoday, and welcome. Unfortunately, addicts don't have room in their lives for anyone or thing but their addiction. Your ex sounds like he is just doing what addicts do, and leaving wreckage behind.
Though it may not seem so now, you have dodged a substantial bullet, so to speak. Better to walk away now, before deeper entanglements ensue.
Hugs and best of luck. Keep coming back.
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Old 01-08-2017, 01:24 PM
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Someone once told me here:

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received.

I know it is hard, but its for the best that you are no in touch, those people have ability to destroy you completely.

take care
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