Update on son

[devastated]

Well, here it is not quite 3 months since my son has been out of prison and now showing signs of "using" once again.

The first sign is not wanting to be part of the family. Isolating himself. Doing nothing all day but holdin up in the room.

Well, that isn't going over well with Mr. Dev and I, so I went over the ground rules again. That worked well!

Now he is "holding" up at the girl's house across the lake. He is like "living there" all week, comes back here on Tuesdays 'cause he's suppose to be goin to anger management meetings.

Last Tuesday we had words and he stormed out of here doing the "yell" thing. Mr. Dev, of course, wasn't here otherwise he never would do that. Later that day he called to yell about something, and I said "maybe I'll just call your Parole Officer and share this with him!" His answer was "GO AHEAD CALL HIM, I WANT YOU TO!" I hung up.

You will not believe it, but within half hour the PO shows up at the door, looking for John because he said they had an appointment.

I called John and, of course, he still had the "attitude" says "WHAT??" I very calmly say, "your PO wants to have a word with you!" LOL Took the wind right out of his sails! He was stunned because he thought for sure I had called him like I said. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly!

Anyway, haven't seen him since, and don't care to. I told the PO he wasn't doing was he was suppose to be doing, and it looks to me like he may be using again. PO was actually "sad" because he said he had high hopes for him. He said, he coudn't believe he would blow it when he has all this, meaning the home and, of course, nice parents. LOL He said he could understand a lot of the others relapsing 'cause they don't have much in their lives, but John has everything, but an excuse!

So, I figure if he doesn't get back on track (it may be too late, if he tests dirty) he will be going back again. Only this next time will be different.

No more phone calls, no letters, no contact! I've already warned him this would happen. And, when he gets out there will be no "nice home" for him to come to! That's it!

I'm proud of myself for one thing and that is, when the gf calls looking for him 'cause he didn't show up there, and I start to go into that "worry" mode, I say to myself, "I can choose to worry, or I can choose not to!" I have chosen not to!

I have done everything all these years to help, but know now that the choices he makes are his and his alone! If he doesn't care about us, there isn't anything I can do. I know he is sick, but so does he know it! Only he can take care of the problem! I'm not lifting one figure to help him do anything!

Hugs, Devastated

[grateful2b]

Dev, sorry to hear he is not yet ready to take responsibility for his life...
but I am happy to hear that you are doing okay and doing what you need to do for you , and in turn allowing him the gift of his own consequences, they are the great teacher!
Hugs and prayers for you and your family...Grateful

[hello-kitty]

Hi Dev. I'm sorry about your son. There is no understanding when a recovering addict throws everything away to use. They work so hard to get better, and then they throw it all away to use again. And they full well know what they are doing. You are right - it IS a sickness, but it's nothing we can help them with.

I'm so inspired by your post though. Reviewing our boundaries on a constant basis is a good thing. It's the only thing we CAN do when it comes to someones addiction. Keep us posted.

[Impurrfect]

(((Dev)))

I'm sorry HE isn't getting it, but so very proud of you!

He's been given chance after chance, and if he blows it, it's all on him. Now that his parole officer knows he's not following the rules of his parole, it's probably only a matter of time before he goes back.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Maggiemac]

I have read all the post trying to find a way to deal with your son's addictions I have done the same thing trying to find a way to get my son to stop killing himself with the evil drugs. You try not to worry but you do. You don't know the feeling you get when you get the call that your son is dead. This is what happened to me on 11-19-08. I want to know how, when, why. My heart is so empty and this boy was my life I gave birth to him. I tell my self he is in a better place. He is at peace no evil drug dragging him down. These things do not help the feelings you are having the grief is to heavy to bear. We will never know why it was our child that picked this terrible way to die by over dose or killing them selves every day they put this drug into their body.
I am praying for all the addicted and for the family who have to live with it.
Love ya,
Maggie

[devastated]

I am so sorry about your son. It just so happens that my son's birthday is 11-18. My heart goes out to you, Maggie, but was there anything you could have done to stop this terrible trajedy? The answer is NO!

Therefore, we can worry all we want, but if it is his destiny what can we do to change it? I have tried for 30 years and still he will not listen. He is not a child anymore. He wants to be treated like a man. There just coms a time when we have to throw our hands up and say, "I've done all I can, and now it's in God's hands!"

Do you know how many times I have planned a funeral in my mind waiting and wondering where he was and what he was doing?

You're right Maggie, he is in a better place now with no more pain or suffering. Still, I wish the outcome were better.

I pray every minute of every day that our addicts will see the light; but know it is completely out of my control.

My prayers are with you,

Devastated

[BBD]

Hi Dev, Glad to see you here but sorry about the circumstances. I feel bad that your son just doesn't get it but your right with saying we can't change them. Maybe his parole officer can talk some sense into him if he isn't using.......treating mom better, respecting bountries....Wasn't he working?? What happened with that. I may have missed something here. My computer is acting up...could be the darn fdreezing weather here in upstate NY....Hugs and smiles to you and I'm glad you have yourself under control....I'm always ready for relapses but just pray they don't happen.. and I'm praying that for you also...Bonnie

[Ann]

Dev, I am sorry he's on a bad path again but glad to see your recovery shining so brightly. We know we can't control their choices but it would be so nice if they would begin making some good ones just once.

Saying a prayer and giving my son to God's care every morning makes it better for me. I'm sure God can do a better job than I did and I believe He must have a guardian angel or two floating around because taking care of my son is a big big job.

Your son is in my prayers too, Dev, has been for some time.

Love you lots and I'm sending big hugs to you and Mr. Dev because you are good people who have given so much.

[devastated]

You're right Ann, nothing more we can do except pray day and night that one day, hopefully in my life time, he sees the light and begins to make better choices.

Hi Bonnie, yes he started out so well got a job within a couple of days of being out. A great job doing stonework making 20.00 a hour; however, the job was finished (working building new casino) and so the job ended.

Then he went to work a couple of days later building fences, but that ended too. Don't know what the deal there was, but have a feeling he left 'cause he didn't like the job.

I know the PO went across the lake that day to talk to him. Don't know what happened, as John hasn't been home since last week.

Funny, I thought all PO's were suppose to be hateful. If this is so, this one shouldn't be doing this type of work because he was very compassionate and understanding.

Oh well, nothing more I can do or say except maybe, just maybe, he will try a little harder now that the PO has talked to him. I doubt it though 'cause I would have thought he would have come home since then.

Thanks for your prayers,

Hugs, Devastated

[Spiritual Seeker]

It does sound like you are detaching from your son as necessary so that you don't relapse with him.

He still does not embrace recovery...maybe one day.

[greeteachday]

(((((Dev))))))
Lots of good thoughts and prayers for your son. Same for you and Mr Dev too, but I know you two will be just fine. Hugs

[outtolunch]

You are doing a remarkable job detaching from your son's choices and outcomes.

[devastated]

Yes, that's it! I am finally "detaching" myself from my son and his choices! I couldn't exactly figure out why I haven't gotten hysterical yet, but that's it! It's called DETACHING!

Hugs, Devastated

[BBD]

You are doing a good job Dev as I will if the time arises but its still sad. Damn~~why can't they get it. I bet its until we completely let go that they don't wake up and smell the roses. Or, do you think its because its a way of life for them now and they can find another way?? I'm really happy to hear that his PO is a nice guy. Maybe some of these men and women out there will actually learn something from these types. Getting into that business has got to be stressful on the PO's and it would be great to see progress in some addicts. Lets hope your son does find his way~~~soon. Hugs, Bonnie

[hydrogirl]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are making some very positive choices and it is inspiring to me as I watch my BF detach from his own AS.

Hugs and best wishes!

HG

[winnie12]

Originally Posted by devastated

I couldn't exactly figure out why I haven't gotten hysterical yet, but that's it! It's called DETACHING!

Its an eerie feeling when it finally happens isnt it? that situation arises that would have sent you into a frenzy and you just dont feel the insanity anymore. Good for you!

[devastated]

Hi Winnie, yes, it is really strange when you finally "get it!" It reminds me of the time I quit smoking. I remember when I past the test. It was when I had some really stressful moment pop up and I didn't reach for the cigarette!

This is the same type of thing. Now, when I don't hear from him and the gf calls and says he's not there, I just shug my shoulders and get my mind on something else.

Hi Bonnie: I don't know about that. I do know that if you want recovery bad enough, you'll do it!! His friend was released a year before him and he is doing great. Goes to 6 meetings a week, surrounds himself with only clean people, and loves life again. That's what I was hoping for with my son, but he didn't last very long.

He was here today for a brief moment. Did you ever try to talk to someone as they are walking out the door? That's the way our conversations go. He doesn't want to hear it, and that's that.

He looked well, but can't go by that.

The PO was here again today, but no one was home, including me! He left a note reminding son to go to police dept on wednesday for testing. Can you believe that? He even warns him first!! The man is a saint!

Hugs, Dev

[cmc]

Hey dev,
Well, I'm just another mom who has been through this too and am sending you my support and saying some prayers for you all. Your recovery is top notch....I'm so glad that you are able to detach and take proper care of yourself.

[cece1960]

Originally Posted by devastated

The PO was here again today, but no one was home, including me! He left a note reminding son to go to police dept on wednesday for testing. Can you believe that? He even warns him first!! The man is a saint!

Naw...I think he's waiting for an invite to dinner...must have smelled Mr Devs cooking!

I'm sorry he's not doing well Dev...I'll keep him in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))

[Hangin' In]

Dev,

I'm sorry your son doesn't seem to be making good choices, but I'm telling you, honey child, it sure sounds like you are!

Dev, you know what to do and I'm happy to see you strapping on your recovery tool belt. Heck, Dev, I don't leave home without mine! (Just like the Am Express card.)

Dev, the Detacher. Kinda has a nice ring to it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

[devastated]

Cece!!! WAIT MINUTE!! (as Mr. Dev would say) I don't think it's Mr. Dev's cooking, I think he's crazy for me!!! That's it! I think he's crazy for me!!

I told that to Mr. Dev tonight. Guess what he said??

"Watch out he's prety fuxzy!" That's what he says about all of the men that are crazy for me. LOL

OK, Mom, promise I'll wear my belt and from now on I won't leave home without it! LOL kisses to you Hangin'. We've been around the block a few times haven't we??

Thanks for your support and prayers CMC.

Hugs, Devastated

[hope213]

dev, i am sure you know my story. i am sorry john is doing this but your recovery is shining. when my j. came home 2 1/2 yrs. ago he seemed to really been trying or so i thought. 90 days after his release he was not using but selling. that lead to an arrest of driving without liscens & eluding. i started really detaching at that point. not only did i detached but j. did too. it was down hill from there. he is now serving his 1st 6months on a 9yr. prison term. i had 2yrs. to really learn to detach before he was took to court. it saved my sanity. before i learned to pratice my recovery all the way everyday i could have never gone thru this without losing my mind. you are doing good & i am praying for you & john. you can not save him just like i could not save my j. we have to save ourselves. big hugs.

[HurtingDad]

Dev, not much to add to all the wise words written. It's a shame your son can't work to his recovery, but you are doing an excellent job.

Prayers being sent to you and your family.

[rayofsunshine]

Sending hugs to you Dev. You keep your humor even through the tough times.
That is an inspiration to me!

My ex - AH got out of prison in Jan. I had boundaries ready
and typed up. We went over them, he got upset at having "rules" in his own house
and was yelling and putting his shoes on to leave ... blah blah blah. Of course, being
a good codie, I talked him out of it, but explained the boundaries were there and would
be enforced. If I knew then what a uphill battle it was going to be, I would have let
him walk out the door that night!!

He struggled with not using, but wasn't willing to go to meetings or even read recovery books at home. Things progressively got worse, until he made it off parole in Sept., and moved out so he didn't have to listen to me make him feel bad about using anymore. He's now supporting his habit by dealing and stealing.

Not sure where he's living now. It's rumored he's lives at the meth lab down the road. At the rate he's going, he'll hopefully be "living" back in jail before too long. I choose not to worry about it, most days anyway. We can only choose to be happy and make our lives happy and not worry about what they are doing. You're strength at being done this time shows your recovery is shining. I'm at my "DONE" point too. It took me a LONG time of having hope and giving one more chance (lots of one more chances) before I reached it, though. I finally realized I can only save myself.

HUGS!!

[devastated]

Hi Hope213, I'm sorry about your "J" I didn't realize he had gotten that many years. Darn it anyway, just nothing we can do or say to get their attention is there?

Shoot, have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who turns and walks out the door while you're still talking?? I have and, believe me, it really infruriates me! He never listens until he gets locked up, and then it's the same old story, "I'm sorry, I should have, etc."!

If this happens again, and they pick him up for whatever, and he calls me, I'll take the initial call, because I have my answer all ready waiting. It is going to be, "Are you done?" That's what he always says to me when I'm trying to talk to him!!

Hi Hurting Dad, well, I don't know how well a job I am doing, but I do know after all these years that there is nothing I can do to stop him from making the choices he wants to make. Sure can't say I didn't try, right gang? Shoot, I use to call the warden in San Quentin whenever I didn't think he was being treated right! Can you imagine what a Codie I was/am??

Hi Rayoffsunshine, your post reminds me of when I remind my son of the rules and he gets on the defensive and says, he's going to leave. LOL My answer to that is, "I'll help you pack!" I can't deal with this nonsense anymore. It makes me furious that he has that stinking attitude after all we've been through and done for him. When I remind him of that, he says things like "what, I'm going to hear that for the rest of my life now?" Do you believe what a butt he is!

He sure makes it easy for me to Detach lately!

Mind you, I'm not sure he is using, but the signs are sure there. He is being tested all the time, so sooner or later the truth will come out. I am sure he thinks he can beat the system and sort of "time" things, but as I told him, "you can fool the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time!" Right?? He still doesn't listen!

Hugs, Devastated