Caught him with another woman - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 10:45 AM

I've been with this guy three years, he has a cocaine addiction which i didn't know about until i was in to deep and had no idea about addiction til i came on here.

We'd been rowing recently and one night in between Xmas and New Year he was acting stranglely on the phone saying he was going to bed at 8.30pm which was unusual and i couldn't help but feel anxious, i just needed to know for myself if he had someone else there so i drove round to his house

When i got there he wouldn't let me in and had to confess he had another girl there. I went crazy, i was so upset but he kept swearing there was nothing going on and he just wanted an outsider to talk to about his problems. He was on coke i could tell and it scared me as i've never known him to do it in the week.

This girl is friends of our mutual friends but i don't know her or have never met her but apparantly she takes coke aswell. I was so upset and naturally split with him.

Since then i've had phone calls of sorries and he wants to make things work between us, then calls saying hes confused and needs time, then calls saying its over and we just don't work together and he doesn't love me, then calls saying he loves me and wants me and he said he doesn't love me before because he was angry and his head was screwed, then back to give me a few months and we can talk.

He swears swears all the the time he has no interest in this girl and there was absolutely nothing going on. Then a few days after New year i see pictures of them together on face book from New Years Eve??

What the hell is he doing or thinking? Does he have no respect? What has happened to him? we were so close and i never thought he would do this? Has he just stopped loving me?

I asked him about these pics and hes still saying get it through your head there is nothing going on. He keeps saying you havn't got a clue have you.

I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all. I also feel so jealous of this girl, i keep seeing her face and these pictures of them. Its making me feel sick.

anvilhead · 01-06-2009, 11:04 AM

not to sound unfeeling, but it sounds like typical addict behavior...so now not only is he in deeper with the coke, but he's got a little chickadee on the side....if those two things are not enough PROOF for you that this man has issues, not the least of which is an ever increasing drug addiction and has lied to you and taken up with another gal enough to where they are posting pictures together on myspace, i'm not sure what ELSE would be PROOF enough for you????

the good news is, YOU can have enough SELF respect to say thanks but no thanks, i only allow people of honesty and integrity into my life, take your show on the road and adios....or something like that.

ToughChoices · 01-06-2009, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happygirl81

I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all. I also feel so jealous of this girl, i keep seeing her face and these pictures of them. Its making me feel sick.

It sounds as though you already know the truth.

He told you he was going to bed early.
He had another girl in his house. Alone. Doing coke.
They spent NYE together and took "happy" pictures to post on a social networking site.

If they're not sleeping together, I'll eat my hat.

He's a liar and a cheat. Now the new girl will "benefit" from his company.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, sweetie, but this guy sounds like TROUBLE. And he's still trying to manipulate you and make you feel crazy.

Turn off the phone, log off of Facebook, and get ready for a life full of love and peace. It's out there!

-TC

liesagain · 01-06-2009, 11:11 AM

I am sorry for your pain

Often addicts will gravitate towards others that share the same drug of choice...........and thats prob whats going on

but your posts said you want the truth...........the thing is you know the truth.......hes using drugs and hes with another woman doing it.

does he love you? Active addicts are unable to truely love themself much less anyone else........but they love us as much as they are capable

the truths you may want to look at are YOUR truths........like am I will to be treated like this?
Am I willing to share him with drugs and other women?

Dont I deserve better?

His words ............are confusing ..........loves you one minute not the next, but that goes with active addiction..........

HIS actions are loud and clear.............
I'm sorry that hes hurting you like this......but its up to you to decide how much how long and how deeply he will hurt you

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 11:14 AM

Thank you

I know what you mean about the proof etc but he has this way of convincing me, he reckons on NYE it was 6am and she turns up at the party he was at. It wasn't her that put the pics on, it was her friend and he looks like hes trying not to be photographed. When i asked him he was annoyed her friend had done this and i kept asking and asking to just tell me the truth and he is so adamant that im looking into nothing and she is nothing. Am i being green? Why won't he just tell me the truth so i can let it go? Also yes i don't plan on getting back with him anytime soon but i thought if i just let him get lonely and crash and burn that in a few months time it will all hit him and he will get the help he needs but if hes happy with this new chick it makes me feel so sick and jelous. How could he do this after us being so close. I know its a common mistake we make but id love to know just what is going on his head!

ToughChoices · 01-06-2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happygirl81

Why won't he just tell me the truth so i can let it go?

Why do you think that he's not telling you the truth right now?

outtolunch · 01-06-2009, 11:17 AM

This is the 31 year old guy living at home with his mother?

You already know the truth. He has a drug problem. He lives at home. He is messing around with someone else. He's manipulating you.

Stop going to Facebook/Myspace and looking at the pictures. Stop driving by his place. Block his phone number. Don't text or email him. And most of all, have yourself a good laugh that this other girl got the booby-prize.

Don't you deserve more than this big ole baby?

wooforever · 01-06-2009, 11:30 AM

I am sorry that you had to find out the hard way. He is getting in deep with the drugs. The girl he is with is a drug addict too. Leave him now and forget about him. He will drive you crazy he will suck you back in if you want him too. The pictures might hurt you seeing them together then my advise is to delete his name off your friends list and do not let it bother you.

Do you want a drug addict in your life oh what you did have one of those in your life. Just run has fast as you can now.

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 11:30 AM

outtolunch 'This is the 31 year old guy living at home with his mother?'

Ha ha ha yes it is.

Your reply made me laugh thank you

anvilhead · 01-06-2009, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Why won't he just tell me the truth so i can let it go?

why not just let go? i guess i'm not seeing what it is exactly you're hanging on to?

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToughChoices

Why do you think that he's not telling you the truth right now?

Just because of the lies in the past, deep down i do believe him but thats because i want to believe then i love the responses everyone gives because people on the outside can see it for what it is. He is manipulating me isn't he and i've never realised that

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anvilhead

why not just let go? i guess i'm not seeing what it is exactly you're hanging on to?

Like i said we've been so close for the last three years and this is just like a huge blow, it was like the other week were together and only ever had rows over coke and now all this. I guess its shocked me and its out of character. He would never have hurt me in any other way and i just can't get my head round it and why he keeps calling me

anvilhead · 01-06-2009, 11:43 AM

cuz he got cold busted. cuz he is unwilling to tell you the whole truth, cuz then you won't be there as his fall back plan. cuz he's a coke head and they aren't exactly known for their truthfulness. cuz he wants you to calm down and quit making a fuss. cuz he wants to prove he can still get away with anything and you'll let him.....

probably at least ONE of the above........

winnie12 · 01-06-2009, 12:07 PM

I've been in so many of these situations in my life and I finally started looking at it as a game. A game they play of confusing us and manipulating the playing board so that they always win - if they feel they are going to loose then they throw the board across the room and quit (then of course we beg them to play with us) if they think they can still win they manipulate us and distract us - they make us feel like we're crazy. For years I was the willing player - in fact the puppet of these personality types. They would do what they wanted and then string me along till I conformed to their will.

Well I for one refuse to play anymore. Once you know the facts (and you know the facts) you can either choose to keep playing the same sick game or stop. Its that simple and that complex all at the same time. To refuse to play means no calling, no looking for evidence of what you already know, no checking myspace, no going to places he may be, calling mutual friends to check in on him, no trying to fix things, nothing. Just stop playing. If by some chance he is willing to change then he will show you by his actions that he's also done playing - only then can you have a mature and loving relationship.

**GiveLove** · 01-06-2009, 12:16 PM

Quote:

I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all.

You know the truth.

He is a liar, a cheater, an addict, and a guy so lacking testicularity he still lives with his mom at 31.

Is this the man you dreamed of when you were a little girl?

If a woman really, really dear to you came to you and told you this story, and asked "What should I do?" ......what would you advise her?

Sometimes, happygirl, if you want to be happy you have to follow your brain, not your heart. And your brain has all the information it needs.

Out there is someone who will be strong, wise, self-sufficient, and true to you. You'll never ever find them as long as you keep playing grammar school games with junior here.

Hugs to you -- from someone ELSE who stayed too long!

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 12:19 PM

Yes Winnie I see what your saying there thats just put alot into perspective and about throwing the board when they think they are gonna loose. Its exactly that. Thank you

happygirl81 · 01-06-2009, 12:22 PM

Give Love 'You'll never ever find them as long as you keep playing grammar school games with junior here.'

Great i love that!

Cupicake · 01-06-2009, 12:30 PM

I've learned a long time ago, during my quests for verbal proof and truth, that you can't put too much stock in the words of an addict. Believe in the actions, the behaviors, your gut. These things don't lie...for the most part.
If a friend was going through this what would you say to her based on these observations. I know it's different when you're the one going through it because the heartache kind of muddles things but see it from a different perspective.

splendra · 01-07-2009, 06:15 AM

Ha the truth from an addict? the truth is he still has a "use" for you if you let him don't let yourself be his tool....

01-06-2009, 10:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
happygirl81 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 12	Caught him with another woman I've been with this guy three years, he has a cocaine addiction which i didn't know about until i was in to deep and had no idea about addiction til i came on here. We'd been rowing recently and one night in between Xmas and New Year he was acting stranglely on the phone saying he was going to bed at 8.30pm which was unusual and i couldn't help but feel anxious, i just needed to know for myself if he had someone else there so i drove round to his house When i got there he wouldn't let me in and had to confess he had another girl there. I went crazy, i was so upset but he kept swearing there was nothing going on and he just wanted an outsider to talk to about his problems. He was on coke i could tell and it scared me as i've never known him to do it in the week. This girl is friends of our mutual friends but i don't know her or have never met her but apparantly she takes coke aswell. I was so upset and naturally split with him. Since then i've had phone calls of sorries and he wants to make things work between us, then calls saying hes confused and needs time, then calls saying its over and we just don't work together and he doesn't love me, then calls saying he loves me and wants me and he said he doesn't love me before because he was angry and his head was screwed, then back to give me a few months and we can talk. He swears swears all the the time he has no interest in this girl and there was absolutely nothing going on. Then a few days after New year i see pictures of them together on face book from New Years Eve?? What the hell is he doing or thinking? Does he have no respect? What has happened to him? we were so close and i never thought he would do this? Has he just stopped loving me? I asked him about these pics and hes still saying get it through your head there is nothing going on. He keeps saying you havn't got a clue have you. I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all. I also feel so jealous of this girl, i keep seeing her face and these pictures of them. Its making me feel sick.

01-06-2009, 12:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
winnie12 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Marietta, GA Posts: 1,386	I've been in so many of these situations in my life and I finally started looking at it as a game. A game they play of confusing us and manipulating the playing board so that they always win - if they feel they are going to loose then they throw the board across the room and quit (then of course we beg them to play with us) if they think they can still win they manipulate us and distract us - they make us feel like we're crazy. For years I was the willing player - in fact the puppet of these personality types. They would do what they wanted and then string me along till I conformed to their will. Well I for one refuse to play anymore. Once you know the facts (and you know the facts) you can either choose to keep playing the same sick game or stop. Its that simple and that complex all at the same time. To refuse to play means no calling, no looking for evidence of what you already know, no checking myspace, no going to places he may be, calling mutual friends to check in on him, no trying to fix things, nothing. Just stop playing. If by some chance he is willing to change then he will show you by his actions that he's also done playing - only then can you have a mature and loving relationship. __________________ I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do I gather debts from them. I ask none to live for me, nor do I live for any others. I am not the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a sacrifice on their altars. Ayn Rand

01-06-2009, 12:30 PM	#18 (permalink)
Cupicake 'Round and 'Round I Go.... Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New York, NY Posts: 459	I've learned a long time ago, during my quests for verbal proof and truth, that you can't put too much stock in the words of an addict. Believe in the actions, the behaviors, your gut. These things don't lie...for the most part. If a friend was going through this what would you say to her based on these observations. I know it's different when you're the one going through it because the heartache kind of muddles things but see it from a different perspective. __________________

01-07-2009, 06:15 AM	#19 (permalink)
splendra the girl can't help it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: splendraville Posts: 5,271 Blog Entries: 3	Ha the truth from an addict? the truth is he still has a "use" for you if you let him don't let yourself be his tool.... __________________ nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

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01-06-2009, 11:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 9,215	not to sound unfeeling, but it sounds like typical addict behavior...so now not only is he in deeper with the coke, but he's got a little chickadee on the side....if those two things are not enough PROOF for you that this man has issues, not the least of which is an ever increasing drug addiction and has lied to you and taken up with another gal enough to where they are posting pictures together on myspace, i'm not sure what ELSE would be PROOF enough for you???? the good news is, YOU can have enough SELF respect to say thanks but no thanks, i only allow people of honesty and integrity into my life, take your show on the road and adios....or something like that.

01-06-2009, 11:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
liesagain Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: limbo Posts: 2,456	I am sorry for your pain Often addicts will gravitate towards others that share the same drug of choice...........and thats prob whats going on but your posts said you want the truth...........the thing is you know the truth.......hes using drugs and hes with another woman doing it. does he love you? Active addicts are unable to truely love themself much less anyone else........but they love us as much as they are capable the truths you may want to look at are YOUR truths........like am I will to be treated like this? Am I willing to share him with drugs and other women? Dont I deserve better? His words ............are confusing ..........loves you one minute not the next, but that goes with active addiction.......... HIS actions are loud and clear............. I'm sorry that hes hurting you like this......but its up to you to decide how much how long and how deeply he will hurt you

01-06-2009, 11:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
happygirl81 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 12	Thank you I know what you mean about the proof etc but he has this way of convincing me, he reckons on NYE it was 6am and she turns up at the party he was at. It wasn't her that put the pics on, it was her friend and he looks like hes trying not to be photographed. When i asked him he was annoyed her friend had done this and i kept asking and asking to just tell me the truth and he is so adamant that im looking into nothing and she is nothing. Am i being green? Why won't he just tell me the truth so i can let it go? Also yes i don't plan on getting back with him anytime soon but i thought if i just let him get lonely and crash and burn that in a few months time it will all hit him and he will get the help he needs but if hes happy with this new chick it makes me feel so sick and jelous. How could he do this after us being so close. I know its a common mistake we make but id love to know just what is going on his head!

01-06-2009, 11:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
outtolunch Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Chicago area Posts: 977	This is the 31 year old guy living at home with his mother? You already know the truth. He has a drug problem. He lives at home. He is messing around with someone else. He's manipulating you. Stop going to Facebook/Myspace and looking at the pictures. Stop driving by his place. Block his phone number. Don't text or email him. And most of all, have yourself a good laugh that this other girl got the booby-prize. Don't you deserve more than this big ole baby?

01-06-2009, 11:30 AM	#8 (permalink)
wooforever Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: San Jose, CA Posts: 266 Blog Entries: 1	I am sorry that you had to find out the hard way. He is getting in deep with the drugs. The girl he is with is a drug addict too. Leave him now and forget about him. He will drive you crazy he will suck you back in if you want him too. The pictures might hurt you seeing them together then my advise is to delete his name off your friends list and do not let it bother you. Do you want a drug addict in your life oh what you did have one of those in your life. Just run has fast as you can now.

01-06-2009, 11:30 AM	#9 (permalink)
happygirl81 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 12	outtolunch 'This is the 31 year old guy living at home with his mother?' Ha ha ha yes it is. Your reply made me laugh thank you

01-06-2009, 11:43 AM	#13 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 9,215	cuz he got cold busted. cuz he is unwilling to tell you the whole truth, cuz then you won't be there as his fall back plan. cuz he's a coke head and they aren't exactly known for their truthfulness. cuz he wants you to calm down and quit making a fuss. cuz he wants to prove he can still get away with anything and you'll let him..... probably at least ONE of the above........

01-06-2009, 12:19 PM	#16 (permalink)
happygirl81 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 12	Yes Winnie I see what your saying there thats just put alot into perspective and about throwing the board when they think they are gonna loose. Its exactly that. Thank you

01-06-2009, 12:22 PM	#17 (permalink)
happygirl81 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 12	Give Love 'You'll never ever find them as long as you keep playing grammar school games with junior here.' Great i love that!

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