I let my emotions get the best of me

[winnie12]

First off I have to stop watching serious and sad things on tv. Last night I watched an Intervention episode about a young man with Type 1 diabetes who was refusing to take care of himself. I cried all the way through - the way this young man looked reminded me so much of how my son looked when he was first diagnosed with diabetes. For those of you who dont know - type 2 diabetics are overweight - type 1 are very skinny. When diagnosed my son was about 5'7'' and 90 pounds. I listened to the parents nag at their son (just like i have done) on whether he has tested his blood sugars or taken his insulin. I listened to them talking about finding their son passed out from blood sugars just like i have done. I heard them tell this kid that he was not going to live just like i have done. The kid was depressed and didnt care about himself at all just like mine. Show goes off and I cried and cried.

Then I turn on the news and they are talking about John Travolta's son who died from a seizure. My son doesnt have the same type of seizures as his child but still a huge nightmare situation for me is seizures becuase you dont know if they are going to come out of them when they have one. So I see this 16 yo child who is dead - and I cry and cry over my own 16 yo.

I've been trying so hard to keep my distance from my son. He has used his diabetes and my love against him so many times but I couldnt last night. I went to him and just held him and cried - all I said was I Love You so much. The funny thing is it was him who would not let go. We just stood there for the longest time holding each other. It felt so good to be able to hold him and tell him I love him but now... now what.... will this be held against me? It always has in the past and that's why I've kept my distance. I know i'm paranoid and projecting but its so hard to just enjoy a loving moment with an addict.

Tonight I'm going to only watch comedies on tv.

[hydrogirl]

Hi Winnie,

I, too, am a Type I. I was diagnosed at the ripe old age of 31 (low these, well, more than a dozen years ago now). I was skinny and my hair was falling out and when I went to the doctor, my blood sugar was about 565.

Comedies are the best! (Or for me, Jane Austen movies.....fairy tales for grown ups!!).

Hugs and good wishes coming your way!!!!

[YaySartre]

My last relationship was with a Type 1, and he wasn't the best about it, in the beginning, but he's improving as he's finding purpose in life and working his own issues out. It's still a struggle. When we're together, I try to be helpful.

:ghug

I keep "Diabetes for Dummies" by my bed, still.

[Impurrfect]

(((Winnie)))

I saw the commercials for that Intervention, and thought of you.

Just because he's taken advantage of you, in the past, for being emotional, doesn't mean he will this time. You're on guard, now, you've learned a few more things and you're not the same person. Maybe you both just needed to let your guard down and be held?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Chino]

winnie, reading that made me tear up. I did the same thing with my daughter one day and it felt so good it hurt. It was a huge outpouring of love from me and she accepted it instead of fighting it.

I too wondered later if she would use my honest and raw emotion against me. Then I reminded myself it was a gift, the greatest gift of all, it was love freely given. Whether she exploited it or not, nothing changed the gift

[NeedingHelp7]

winnie, reading that made me tear up.

Me too.

Maybe he should have watched the show with you. It's real, and would show him it's not just you, this goes on in families all over the world.

Then ask him "Now how can we recover from all this?"

[winnie12]

I pray there will be a day when I can accept his love without wondering what he wants or how it will be used against me. It did feel so good to be able to show him my love - i've held it back for so long out of a sense of self-protection and to enforce boundaries for his sake as much as my own. I've just missed my boy so much and seeing these things made me want to let him know that I really do love him - I cant let this addiction and all of his problems keep me from telling him I love him - even if there are consequences I know he needs to hear it as much as I need to say it. He wouldnt have held on to me so long if he didnt need it too.

[winnie12]

Needinghelp - i've made it a point not to make him watch programs or read things that i think would help him because it always backfires. I went though the days of putting on shows when he was around or leaving things lying around the house hoping he would read them. When he is ready he'll be open to those things but he isnt ready to face these things yet. We're just buying time right now until he can get back into rehab so I'm trying to keep my opinions to myself. He knew i was watching it and i felt if he was open to it he would have come in and watched with me. he didnt and that's his choice and I respect that.

[Maggiemac]

winnie, I watched that last night too. Love them when you have them I have no one to hold or talk too. I feel so alone.
God Bless you and your son,
Love ya,
Maggiemac

[NeedingHelp7]

We're just buying time right now until he can get back into rehab so I'm trying to keep my opinions to myself.

I hear ya Winnie.

[laurie6781]

Winnie, I watched it also.

I myself have Type 2, as does a dear friend, I'll call J whose daughter has Type 1, and was diagnosed at 11 years old.

There is hope, her daughter like the young man last night and your son, went through a very bad time, didn't have many friends, then in high school kids trying to be her friends to get her needles, you know the routine. I know today her daughter is 32, takes extremely EXCELLENT care of herself and has a fantastic life.

J herself went through h*ll from the stress and ended up in the hospital with her Type 2 totally out of control. It was then and only then that she was able to tell her daughter, that she was DONE. She was done reminding her to check her bs, she was done reminding her to take her insulin, she was done reminding her 'not to eat that' she was just done. She loved her very much, but it was the daughter's time to take care of herself or not, and if not then she would have to move as J could not watch her continue to kill herself slowly.

The daughter did move out, ended up in the hospital several times, J would be called, she would visit and talk with the Doctors, and finally 1 Dr found a Diabetic Counselor that seemed to clicked with the daughter, and things slowly started to turn around.

I have to tell you, DIABETES SUCKS. Whether it is Type 2 or Type 1. Your whole damn lifestyle is changed. Foods you loved are now a NO NO. Constantly checking BS, carrying glucose tablets at all times, 'just in case.' It is a HORRIBLE Live Style change, and as an older adult still back slide sometimes and I have been diagnosed now for over 15 years.

How to change a 'young one's' thinking, I don't know. I am sure your son as J's daughter and the young man last night start to feel like they have nothing to live for. I will continue to send prayers from NM for you and your son, that someone is found that can get through to him.

Are there any Groups for teenagers and young adults that suffer from Type 1 that he might at least go and check out? There he might find some folks he can identify with and get encouragement from peers.

Again no answers here, just lots and lots of understanding and prayers continuing to flow.

Love and hugs,

[winnie12]

I'm glad I posted this - it helps so much to know others on this board understand this disease becuase sometimes i feel so alone in it - i even have to educate many of the people who work wiht him. My son does the minimum care. When he is upset with me not conforming to his will he will stop taking care of himself and at times i've suspected that he purposefully allowed his bs to drop resulting in seizures - just to pull me back in. He would rather I worry about him then be mad at him for his bad choices. It is his one control over me because he knows when it comes to his diabetes i'm going to be there for him. He knows how scared i still get (its only been three years) so he plays the diabetes card. He on one hand will use it as an cause for his depression and on the other hand act like he can drink and do drugs and have no diabetic side effects. You never know from one day to the next which disease you are dealing with becuase they are so entertwined - I cannot seperate the two.

I've tried counselors at his docs office but he doesnt like them at all. we considered sending him to a diabetic hospital instead of rehab - sometimes insurance will pay for that "diabetic rehab" on a medical need if you cant get them in drug rehab. But he is so anti-diabetic anything. He doesnt want to even hear the words.

Its crazy and its hard because he's only 16 and I feel like i have a responsibility to his health at this young age but I also know he is stubborn and the more i nag him the less he takes care of himself so I just keep my opinions to myselff and put his health in God's hands. I'm having to take the position that its his disease and he has to control it becuase he wont let anyone help him.

They are now finding that diabetics have a much higher rate of depression because of having to live with chronic illness - especially if they are diagnosed as a teen. The docs warned me about this in the beginning but of course i didnt listen to them. The one area that i dont see much help in is diabetics who have substance abuse problems - when you talk to a doc they just say "but he cant do that." hello???? i know he cant do that which is why i'm asking you for advice.

He does have a lot of friends and that does help but of course some friends are not the type you would choose for your kid (if you actually had a choice in the matter). He isnt shy about injecting in front of people or in public so most of his friends are pretty comfortable with it. The only time it was hard was before he was diagnosed becuase he was so skinny that he actually looked a little creepy - i hate to say that but kids do judge based on how someone looks and he looked really bad. He was isolated during that time and only had a couple of friends that stuck by him - one of the kids was always getting into fights protecting him when others would make fun of him (i love that kid to this day).

I wish I could take the disease away but I cant. The bottom line is this is his life and he can learn to live with it and rise above it or give into it. This whole thing would be so much easier if we weren't dealing with two life threatening problems.

[marle]

We have a 10 year old boy in our classroom with Type 1 and he always wants to do the opposite of what he is supposed to do. The kid actually likes to make himself sick. We have to constantly police him because he has such sneaky behaviors. He spends most of his time in our room crying to get out of doing work. He is such a tiny kid but he can be a real bully. He hits his father and gets away with so much in his home. His mother is a severe alcoholic and although she does not live with him, she still finds ways to bring her chaos into his life. On one hand I feel sorry for him and on the other I would like to just shake him and tell him that he is ruining his life. I am sorry that watching those shows brings you sadness. Sending you some hugs. Marle

[notsleepingwell]

Just sending ...

[cassandra2]

Originally Posted by winnie12

Needinghelp - i've made it a point not to make him watch programs or read things that i think would help him because it always backfires. I went though the days of putting on shows when he was around or leaving things lying around the house hoping he would read them. When he is ready he'll be open to those things but he isnt ready to face these things yet. We're just buying time right now until he can get back into rehab so I'm trying to keep my opinions to myself. He knew i was watching it and i felt if he was open to it he would have come in and watched with me. he didnt and that's his choice and I respect that.

Winnie I see myself in your shoes here. I too was thinking that "oh maybe if I left this out he will read it" or "if I left this print out from SR about acceptance in the babies diaper bag he would read it" and then of course reality sets in and I realize, like you, that when HE is ready HE will do what HE needs to do.

I also understand how you feel about being vulunerable with your son. I too let my guard down and it was used to manipulate me later, but like Amy said they dont ALWAYS use it against you. Sometimes even addicts need to know that they still are loved and wanted. They are after all our loved ones.

You hugged your son because its what YOU needed to do for YOURSELF. When we take our hands off of our addicts it feels foreign to us because we are so used to being codies and showing our love by our actions or our helping etc...So when you take your hands off and mind your own business its hard because to us it feels so lovingless.

I am sure that because your son also needed that that possibly he wont hold it against you......

[cessy68]

winnie,

I just wanted to send my love and hugs, because you have been so amazeing to me on SR....

I don't know much about diabeties, and I can't imagine the pain of dealing with an addicted child.

I feel so bad- because at times when I complain and need support with the situation I'm in, I read your posts, and maggies, ann, etc... and I think...."god cessy your selfish, its just your other half, not YOUR CHILD... imagine what these parents must have to go through"

So what I am trying to say- is my heart bleeds for you, and I only know a fraction of what you are dealing with- because children are a different story...........

Love,
Cessy

[Hangin' In]

Winnie, I don't see anything wrong with hugging your son and telling him you love him. And from what you said, how he held on, he did need that hug.

I think detachment is a hard thing to get or at least it was for me, loving detachment that is. We talk about that a good bit in our meetings and I guess that is because so many of us struggle with it. We go from wanting to choke the addict/alcoholic to hugging them to death.

Recovery, for me, is about a balance in my life. My RAD doesn't always do what I want, but I know I can't put up walls and keep myself from her to protect myself from those choices. I have had to work real hard on my recovery and be able to be around her even when I think her choices stink. I have to think with my head and not my heart. And I really have to "let go and let God" because I just don't know the path that any other individual needs to take. Only their HP knows that and I have to trust that HP. My HP has taken care of me on my path (doesn't mean it's been pain free, though, but He's gotten me through that pain), and I know He's got a plan for my RAD, too.

You hang in there, Winnie. (And put back on your recovery toolbelt because we mama's just don't need to leave home without them. ).

Hugs,
Hangin' In

[howareyounow]

I started to watch that show too (my AH has type 1)

I had to turn it off I was so upset. One of the reasons I didn't know about his drug addiction was because he used diabetes to cover it up. It made sense because HE WAS/IS THE WORST DIABETIC EVER!!!.
He has gone MONTHS without checking his sugar MONTHS!!!!!
I would often check his sugar while he slept/passed out.

He also would consume one whole container of sherbet EVERY NIGHT.
I started to think he just wanted to pretend he didnt have diabetes.
One night we had a fight about it, he said
"It's not my fault I have diabetes! I'm a normal person! I cant help it! Love me for who I am!"..............In hindsight I dont know if he was talking about heroin or diabetes.
He was in the process of getting an insulin pump when the truth came out about him using. I was under the impression that that would solve all his behavior/physical problems.....but alas it was BOTH.
I was USED.
It is unbelievable to have someone play dangerous games with diabetes. AND to be a user.
Do they WANT to die? He just doesnt seem to care about himself on any level.
Is there a self hatred so deep?

[howareyounow]

........" The one area that i dont see much help in is diabetics who have substance abuse problems - when you talk to a doc they just say "but he cant do that." hello???? i know he cant do that which is why i'm asking you for advice."...........

Doctors would always say things like that about smoking to him (my AH)....
as if that would make him stop!
The diabetes and the drugs seem to so interelated.
I used to work for JDRF (for type 1 diabetes) And ALOT of the spouses of the men with type 1 diabetes HAD A LOT of issues with depression and mood/emotional disorders.
Many marriages failed or were VERY rocky.
I think they have even less ability to 'fight' being an addict and just are more prone to self medicate.

AHHHHHHH

[cmc]

Hi winnie,
I'm coming in here late but wanted to share that two of my kids have type I. The one who was age 11 at onset is the one who shortly after diagnosis became involved in with drugs. He's clean now for almost 3 years and has been slowly turning his life around.

When my first child was diagnosed she was almost eight years old and had pneumonia. Her sugars went off the charts and we are fortunate that she is alive. 9 years later I saw the signs in my my youngest son one afternoon, tested his blood and got him to the ER in time to save him.

I'll never forget how depressed I was when I first watched the film "Steel Magnolias" where the main character played by Julia Roberts has Type I. I just can't watch those shows, because they are either too negative or hit too close to home for me.
btw...both my children have had seizures of varying degrees. It's a very hard thing to watch someone deal with this.

Due to these problems, I was already on the road to recovery as I learned how to let go and not try and hover over my kids. I did learn some skills that helped later on when my son began to use drugs. He used for about ten years. Letting go of an actively drug addicted Type I, who had seizures, was not so easy.

I'm never surprised these days when I hear how many people manage so many other difficulties and hardships by using the very same tools that I learned about in Al-Anon. Being grateful for what I do have and having faith & hope helps me stay on an even keel.

It felt so good to be able to hold him and tell him I love him but now... now what.... will this be held against me?

Winnie, there's nothing enabling about a hug. Here's one from me.
Thanks for sharing.

[greeteachday]

Sending more hugs Winnie

[winnie12]

Wow I just cant believe how many lives this disease has affected. I dont feel so alone right now. One of the hardest things was that every program, every doc, ever person knew one disease or the other but not many people experienced both. CMC I would really welcome any advice you have as you have gotten through what i'm going through now. It is so confusing for me to know where those lines are and after all this time of being responsible for keeping him healthy suddenly I'm told to back off - he hasnt even allowed me to give him a shot in over a year - except one time when he had the flue. I've given him more glucagon shots over the last year then insulin shots.

Steel Magnolias - omg that movie tears me up because that seizure scene is so close to what my son's are like - except that when he gets that low he usually starts running around before hand like he's drunk and then hits the floor. It was another movie i wanted my son to watch but didnt. I just once wanted him to see what it was like on our end when he didnt take care of himself. He never remembers the seizures - he just comes to and doesnt know why he's on the floor with EMS all around him. I never really told him about what happens becuase he gets so embarrased. If a diabetic takes control of their disease they really shouldnt have to worry about seizures. My daughter and I have the emergency process down to an art now - she's only 11 but I grab the meter and glucagon shot - she calls 911 and relays his bs and tells them where we live. It is overwhelming for her I know but I cant do both at the same time.

Cessy - there's nothing selfish about your pain. It doesnt hurt more or less depending on the relationship - it is not the person you love but how you love that person. I've gone through both situations in my life and both were hard but in very different ways. Some things are easier when its your child and other things are easier when its a SO but all of it is tough to go through.

[cmc]

Winnie, feel free to pm me anytime. It helps me too, to share about this with someone who understands what it's like.