Contact with my EXAGF

[lifeisfunny]

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?

My situation is more complicated:
I'm 10 years older then she is (30s and 20s yrs old)....

She has experimented (struggled) with drugs (addictions) since HS....

When we started going out I knew she smoked Marijuana....

She experienced a back injury and received Pain Meds....

As the injury healed I sensed she was still using the Pain Meds occasionally for Rec. purposes but never "taken" in front of me (not saying she was never stoned in front of me)....

As relationships go some of her behavior began to raise red flags which got me thinking there was something/someone else....

Through simple exploration and observation I discovered the bigger problem....

We (I guess "I") were able to move past this and things were very good....

Then one day "This relationship has progressed to fast and we need a break"....

Since this day (in July) contact has almost always been initiated by me and I know through contact with her and through mutual friends that she is spiraling out of control. Her usage has increased and the distance between us is extreme. Basically no contact, she will not return phone calls or e-mails....

At this point I don't know what I should do. I care about her deeply and want/need her to know that if/when she wants help I can be called upon. How do I let her know this? Do I let her know this? I've thought about writing her a letter or talking with her mom or sister-in-law but have been unable to decide if this is wise or not. I know that "recovery" must start with her and she must want to help herself, but can a person be nudged (pushed) into seeing what they are doing to them self? It's tearing me up to feel so helpless and after joining SR today I realize that I must help myself before I could even think of being there for her (I'm Codependent). So again....

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?
4) (Added one) What should my roll in her recovery be?
5) (Added another) What should I do to help myself?

I’m new here today and VERY happy I found SR just wish I found it a while ago.

Hopeful with a Big Heart!

[cessy68]

Hi there Mr. Hopeful,

Without addiction being in the picture I would say to STAY AWAY- if you are initiating contact, and she hardly responds????? What does that tell you?

Now add addiction to the pot of soup?? URGH- what an aweful mix.

Why on gods green earth would you pursue someone who isn't pursueing you- and who on top of it has a drug problem spiraling out of control?

Are you the guy with the superman cape in the closet - (that no one is looking for??)

Please- you are probably a very generous, well intended, sweet, kind man, who would be wonderful in a relationship- if your intentions were to 'give' and NOT to 'rescue'.

You've gone since July- keep going it solo- do some work here- and get to a book store and read some co-dependant literature.

Perhaps by this July - you could find yourself on your own way to becomming healthy- and sitting on a beach with someone who is worth expelling this kind of energy on.

OR better yet- maybe you'll find some inner peace and contentment, where you will enjoy the freedom of takeing care of you and NOT operating a crisis center in your love life.

Hope you know- i'm not meaning to sound harsh- perhaps re-read your own words and look at what you are asking.

Look at your own issues, and try to find peace within healing YOU.

Take care,
Cessy

[itisatruth]

Welcome lifeisfunny - I'm glad you found SR. Stick around, I think it is one thing you can do for yourself so that you can start to find your own answers.

A lot of members are in different places in their "journeys" of dealing with a loved one who is dealing with addiction. Some are trying to help the addict get better and some are trying to detach and work on themselves, some have let go and have moved on to more serenity, while many are somewhere in between.

What I'm trying to say is that the answers to your questions depends on what you are ready for. From your post it sounds like your EXGF is smack in the middle of her disease. I wish there was a cure for it, something you could do for her to help her out of it, but really, she has to be willing (as you know).

That said, I'm going straight for question #5: to help yourself, help YOURSELF. Meaning, take this time to learn more about codependency, read the experience, strength, and hope of others here on SR, and maybe try out and naranon or alanon meeting, and do things for yourself to keep your own sanity. Addiction has a funny way to drive us loved ones crazy too.

You care about her, you probably still love her. But, right now, she is not willing to accept your love. It may be hard, but there is a saying around here, "Hands off the addict"...it may work for you right now.

I wish you the best on your journey.

[outtolunch]

Pick up a copy of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. It could change your life.

It's at your local library or used on Amazon for less than $3.

[lifeisfunny]

Thanks for the replies so far.

Cessy - Not to harsh, harsh can be good as long as its not hurtfull, reality is often harsh!!

I should have clarified my intentions! My intention is not to make this girl my GF again but simply a friend who could support her when/if she trys to get help. I'm not even sure this is good for me (part of the reason I'm here). I just keep on thinking that I can't move on becasue "I'm not supposed to" yet, HP stuff. The conflict within is great: should I, should I not, how should I act, be a friend, don't be a friend, etc, etc, etc.....

[Blackrose56]

She knows you will support her if and when she is ready. You have probably told her a million times during your relationship. For now, "let her go". She needs to fall and fall hard. If she contacts you, then you can decide how you want to handle it...set some boundaries that work for you. You will talk to her is she's not "high" that day or is coherent. You will only talk to her if she gets treatment? These are things you need to figure out. A long time Alanon gave me this prayer to say every morning when I think about my ex and wonder the same things you do? "Help me love (her name), as you would have me love her. Help me understand (her name), as you would have me understand her. And help me be a friend to (her name), as you would have me be a friend to her."

[figure]

we are very similiar in situations and feelings. I am 10 years older than my EXADBF and am always there for him when he needs it. We are no longer together but still see each other about once a month or so. I will tell you that it def has been an emotional roller coaster and this feb it will have been going on for 5 YEARS! Read my last posts and my others. It hurts but I care so much.....hoping......praying.....that he will one day see the error of his ways. It's hard knowing what to do and what not to do sometimes. My heart and my head give me conflicting messages.....I just don't know what to do anymore.

[cessy68]

Life,

I'm glad that you didn't take me as being harsh- (p.s. sarcasm is a trait of mine, especially when dealing with hurt feelings.)

I am sad for everyone who has to deal with loving a person who is an addict.

I was attempting (in somewhat sarcastic, but real tone) to have you understand that the energy you are putting out there could be better served.

You are far removed enough from the situation with her- to still save YOU!!

I think if you read through this forum enough, you will see the constant struggle/heartache that goes along with loving a person with these issues.

Take the time to continue to educate yourself - and I hope you find peace and happiness.

Love,
Cessy