Husband in need

[bobafett71]

Ok, this is my first post so be kind. I need some guidance here. My story is far to long to post in a single thread but here's the gist. Let me just say that I love my wife very much! My wife came to me about 8 months ago and confessed an addiction to percocet. She said she was clean but still needed some kind of pain meds for her headaches and broken ankle. She got the fentanyl patch from her doc. That had some very unexpected (and pleasant) side effects. Since then, her doc has put her on roxys for breakthrough pain in addition to the fentanyl. I have been doling them out from a safe but she has still gotten other scripts from 2 other docs for vicodin and now more percocet. She says she's working towards getting off of them but every time we get close, the headaches or ankle pain comes back and we're off to the pain doc again. I don't want her to suffer but this constant worrying about pills is killing us both.
thanks to all on this forum for your help. I've been reading other's stories a lot and have gained strength from them.

[Ann]

Welcome to SR, Bobaffet.

What she is doing is illegal and you could get drawn in legally for just knowing. She might want to look at the consequences for that, let alone for the physical consequences for abusing narcotics.

I'm sorry about your wife's pain and addiction and while there is not much you can do about changing her (only she can do that) you can call it like you see it and find help for yourself.

If there are any live meetings near you, I promise they are worth attending. Alanon, Naranon or CoDA are three similar programs that, contrary to their names, are not about the substance "they" are using but about "us" and what we can do to find a better path for ourselves in all areas of our lives.

Hugs

[greeteachday]

Welcome - I'm sorry you are hurting. Ann's point about drawing you in is well worth pondering. While you cannot control her addiction, you can control your actions. Unfortunately we, the ones who love addicts, get sucked in and become as sick as they are in our own way.

I too found coming here, posting and reading and going to face to face Naranon meetings to make all the difference in the world. I hope you will give it a try!

[ZombieWife]

I don't have much experience with the painkillers, but from what I have heard, if she is addicted, it might be necessary to get her some professional help. That way, her pain can be managed better.

Coming off painkillers is going to bring about all kinds of aches and will magnify even the most minor of chronic pains. Nasty stuff to get off. Hence the suggestion to get professional help on this one.

I had kidney stones and they gave me delauded (heavy duty stuff.) I was only on it for about 6 hours, then they switched me to morphine for the next 12 hours. 18 hours of being on hard-core IV meds like that and it took me over a week to stop aching. Taking them on a regular basis, I imagine, would be even worse?

[jerect]

(((((bobafett71)))))

Welcome to SR...

I'm sorry you are dealing with this...

Addiction to painkillers is the devil..

Wow! Roxy's. I didn't even know that Dr's prescribed them... I thought it was a combination of oxy's and percs that someone off the streets invented... I learn something new everyday.. My AH used to abuse those among other things... He told me that roxys were one of the worse things to be addicted too..

Your wife clearly needs help.. unfortunatly that is something that you cannot give her... You can suggest rehab, NA or a qualified specialist that deals with drug addiction but unless she is ready your attempts at helping her will be fruitless..

But you can help you... like some of the other have posted... Alanon or naranon is a great place to start... and keep posting and reading here...

[outtolunch]

The Fentalel Patch is most commonly prescribed for Cancer patients with constant and chronic, end of life pain, only after a tolerence to other opiates have set in.

That an MD is prescribing opiates for a painful ankle or headache is hard to swallow. Are you absolutely sure her source of medication is an MD and the opiates are coming from a Pharmacy, as a result of a prescription? Do you see the MD and Pharmacy bills? Is an insurance company involved?

As addiction to pain killers sets in, many who are addicted will resort to manipulating those who care about them to enable them and eventually may begin to injur themselves to ensure an ongoing supply of their drugs.

Painkillers of this nature are white collar heroin with the same outcomes, prison or death. Getting off painkillers involves a detox and rehab program, 12 Steps based or otherwise. Only she can decide if the time is right.

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict, and was a nurse for several years. The medications your wife is on are some serious opiates and though I'm sure she has built up a tolerance to them, they can still be fatal when used in combination. They can literally make her forget to breathe.

The "doctor shopping" IS illegal and can have some serious legal consequences, including jail time and fines.

That being said, what the above posters said is true. Going to meetings and getting support for YOU is the best thing you can do. Doling out medicines for an addict usually does not work, at least for long. They will stash medicines, and even if they don't, both parties usually end up with huge resentments. She will resent you if she can't get what she wants when she wants it. You will resent her for being angry about it, and having to treat her like a child.

As an RA (recovering addict), I can tell you that until I hit bottom, nothing anyone said or did made me seek recovery. For most of us, bottom means facing some pretty harsh consequences. Mine included loss of a nursing license, homelessness, prostitution and jail, just to name a few.

My stepmom also has legit pain, and had abused pain pills. This abuse has turned to addiction, and she was arrested, 3 weeks ago, for trying to fill a prescription that was fraudulent (she's 62 years old). My dad had been in denial, saying "but she's in pain". She had been getting pain meds from a friend, when the pills from her 2 doctors were not enough. I am only telling you this, to give you an idea of what an addict will do to get their pills.

My stepsister has chronic pain, and had an addiction to klonopin. She goes to an addictionologist, who works with her pain AND her addiction and both are very well taken care of, so there IS a way to deal with both issues, but your wife has to want it.

Keep reading and posting. Think about boundaries and what you will tolerate and the consequences if your wife crosses those boundaries. Remember the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. You CAN change how it affects YOU, however, and that is were meetings come in (and SR).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[bobafett71]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and words of encouragement. As to specifics, up until last month, she was on 100 micrograms of Fentanyl, 15mg Roxy's (120/month) from the specialist that was treating her headaches for the last several years and had gotten 90 percs/month from her primary and 40 vicodin/month from the orthopedic specialist for her leg pain. I assure you I am not exaggerating any numbers here. She is down to just 25 micrograms of Fentanyl and 8 percs a day (5/325's). we seem to be stalled at this level because she cannot figure out which one to ween from first. I've read that the fentanyl is the most difficult. Has anyone here had experience with getting off of Fentanyl? thanks again

[Impurrfect]

honestly, she needs to wean from both meds with her dr's supervision. They can put her on tapering doses and tell her what withdrawal symptoms to expect...mainly diarrhea, and flu-like symptoms. I never went through the opiate withdrawals, but my friends on the substance abuse forums swear by gatorade, imodium and ibuprofen for generalized aches and pains...oh, and lots of hot baths

Again, though, it would be best to discuss this with her dr.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[notsleepingwell]

Glad you found us....you'll find lots of great support here. Continue posting and hang around. We're open 24/7

[Latte]

I'm glad you are here, you have gotten a lot of good advice.

I have gone off of Fentynyl but I was on the lowest mg patch. I just left it on for an extra day and it slowly ran out. I wasn't on any other med though.

You can speak to her doctors, they may not be able to have a disucssion with you but you can speak to them. Voice your concerns and they can take it from there.

I couldn't get off of pain meds until I went into treatment.

[bobafett71]

I think one of the most difficult things for me to deal with at this point is that she is bipolar and has always seemed to spend more time on the depressive side than the manic side. The fentanyl patch completely transformed her and at the prescribed levels, helped her become well balanced, loving, more alert, etc. Although my main focus is to help her get clean, I do fear the return of the "old her". In the middle of all of this craziness, she's switched antidepressants to one more suited for bipolar patients. I'm hoping that this med will help her retain some of the characteristics without the opiate dependency. Only time will tell. She has just enough pills to last until wednesday and isn't slated for refills until several weeks later. I just want to add that she wants to be free of the pills very much but is deathly afraid of returning to the pain filled life that was the cause of the addiction in the first place. She's a very bright woman and we both come from addiction riddled households. I'll keep y'all posted but this group has already given me hope and a life raft. Praise God for you all.

[bluebelle]

My ABF had 8 months clean from pain killers, relapsed, and now has about 2 weeks clean. He was addicted for over 8 years. They helped him concentrate, gave him energy, and dulled some of his emotional pain. That was the beginning--they seemed to "help" for awhile. Then, it got to the point where all he could think of was finding the next pain pill, trading with friends, conning doctors, buying over the Internet. He had counseling both times to get off the pills. Does she have a counselor/psychiatrist? Has she tried Nacotics Anonymous? My ABF hasn't tried NA, but is reading their materials. He was also very afraid of coming off the pills and all the withdrawal he would feel. I agree that she needs to work with a doctor when coming off the pills.

Have you read Codependent No More? That is an excellent book to help you take care of yourself at this difficult time. It is completely understandable if you are feeling crazy trying to deal with an active addict!!! She needs to go through recovery in order to get in a better frame of mind without the pills. There will be a lot of ups and downs and it will be difficult for both of you.

Welcome to soberrecovery! You've found a great place.

[SistersHelp]

bobafett,
What I have learned from watching my sister go downhill with her addiction to painkillers is that not all doctors are responsible or careful about what they prescribe. My sister started out with what (I think) was a ligit complaint about chronic back pain and this spiraled completely out of control. Her doctor was absolutely irresponsible with his prescription pad and basically just gave her whatever she asked for in terms of painkillers.

Now she's stuck, like your wife, struggling with pain, withdrawal, denial and a whole lot of other issues. It's not that I blame the doctor entirely but he sure made it easy for her to get lost this way.

Your wife sounds like she has a genuine interest in getting off the drugs, so that's a really good starting place.

Her detox/ withdrawal is going to need to be medically supervised because it's dangerous to just stop taking these meds. Based on what I've seen with my sister, I'd bet she probably needs an inpatient treatment program to get her through the worst of it.

Good wishes to you and to her. I wish you both strength to get through this safely and well.

Lisa

[bobafett71]

Previous to the fentanyl patch she has spent the last several years going through all of the prescribed monthly pills in 4 or 5 days, weening, then having none for the rest of the month. As far as I know, she hasn't done the internet thing for them. I can't seem to find a good treatment program in our area yet either. Her neurologist is the prescribing pain doc and is helping to get her to lower levels, then off. But the PA just keeps writing scripts...
I will look into NA this week. I really need to find out how I can help her but not enable her.

[hello-kitty]

Hi and welcome. Your wife is an addict. She's just doing whatever it takes to get more drugs. Therefore, I strongly suggest you talk to your wife about whether she wants to quit using or not. And if she does, she is going to need help. Most addicts can not do the whole taper thing. Detox and treatment are her best bet. In many cases, going away for detox and treatment is better than staying local. It will free her to really focus on getting better. Get her out of her familiar surroundings, etc. Get her away from everything holding her back from getting off drugs.

By the way, all her mixing of pills could kill her so please take this seriously. I hope she chooses to get help. One way you can help her is by drawing boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life.

[bluebelle]

My ABF has never been able to taper. He just takes them all at once. Unfortunately, doctors will continue to prescribe the pain killers. She will eventually need to be honest and say that she has a problem. You can't control her actions, and can't cure her. So, the best thing to do is take care of yourself. You may want to try counseling for you.

Re finding treatment, you could try starting with the insurance company. Ours has an RN on staff who has talked with ABF about treatment options.