Manipulation and Control

[cassandra2]

Hi everyone,

I have been silent for awhile because of course I got sucked back into my exabf's life and have been trying to tell myself that he is getting better.

So not true. So my hope today is to gain strength from all of you in learning about manipulation and control. I was blindsided and I think it was because I did not spot the manipulation that was going on.

My ex is currently living with his sister and told me the other day that at the end of the month he is moving. He doesnt know where or with what money its just that by the first he has to be out. When I questioned him further he said that he and his sister just dont get along. Sound familar? Same story he said about me and him.

So I told this story to a friend and his said right away my ex was manipulating me into begging him to come home.

So here is where all of you come in. Help me understand manipulation and how it works and give examples of experiences of manipulation so that I can prepare myself for this....

Thanks everyone....

[imallright]

My experience has been that the addict will work on making me feel like I am being cold, uncaring, selfish when I have tried to take care of me. It is a subtle and sometimes not so subtle attempt at looking like he is doing all that he can.... being the "good guy", but I am not willing to help him out.

He was good at making me feel guilty for not "giving him another chance"... everyone makes mistakes type of approach. I usually felt like, "ok, I signed on for the committment and I have a responsibility to help out and be there for him" What I often didn't allow myself to see clearly was the price that I would pay... he didn't (maybe couldn't) follow thru and there was not a return of the comm. and support. He made it easy for me to feel bad about me. Sometimes because I wouldn't do what he wanted... (guilt, etc) other times because I did what he wanted... ( how could I have so little self-respect, be so dumb as to trust him, etc.)

Stay true to you and remember "if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... guess what?!?!?! Take care of you. You matter and you need to be healthy and happy above all.

[cynical one]

Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator
Written by Fiona McColl

Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-fu*ker can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol’ bull$hit meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. You’ll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bullshit meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol’ screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, he’ll having you offering to bend over and be fu*ked one more time, "anything you want dear." Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bullshit meter and safeguard against possible attack.


1) There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this $hit.

2) An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3) Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

4) Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.

5) Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off $hit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

7) Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8) Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus.

Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it - walk away and never look back. Make it a rule!

[imallright]

Wow Cynical... this is powerful! This is the type of behavior my therapist has been trying to explain to me and help me to understand. This passage says it all and in blunt, clear language. It is a huge lightbulb for me! This is what has been happening that I couldn't articulate... it's crazy making!!! I have been trying to tell myself for years that I am not nuts but only in the past 12 months or so have I started to believe it. Thank you for sharing this. I am sane. These are the things that were happening in my life. I did get lost. I was being controlled. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[dogged]

they willtell youwhatever you want to hear to get thier way...many times they will play the guilt card, or make alot of empty promises that they cant keep.. just be aware that most of the time while they are talking they have a motive and it has nothing to do with us,just to get thier drug, anytime they make you feel guilty, is manipuation

[NeedingHelp7]

Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus.

Wow cynical, that is AH to a tee. Thankyou for posting that in words. It was always hard to put into words what he was doing. This really helps.

NH7

[beachgirl999]

these posts have helped me a great deal in understanding my boyfriend's behaviour. this describes him to a T. knowing others have experienced this makes me feel less crazy...

[winnie12]

Here's my worse manipulation story. About 6 months ago my son had drug court. A few hours before he got home i found out a dear friend of mine of 20 years had committed suicide. When he came home he wanted me to leave work early and take him to the jail to pick up his poseession (ipod). I had missed a lot of work when i found out so i had to stay to finish my work and couldnt go. He got very upset saying i was always thinking of myself. I explained to him that i had found out a friend had died and i really couldnt deal with an argument. He went into a tirade about how he had had a bad day too and all i ever thought about was myself. He was so angry at me for not picking up his ipod that when we went to court he pulled his PO aside and told him that he couldnt quit using drugs because i was always drunk and smoking dope. His PO didnt believe him and i requested that they drug test me knowing they wouldnt find anything - they refused to drug test me because they knew it was a lie. What upset me the most is that even though he knew i had lost a friend that day he was still willing to do whatever it took to get his ipod and if i didnt comply he was going to punish me. That was the day that everything changed for me. It was the day that i realized he did not care about me or how i felt. even when experiencing loss it was all about him and what he wanted. In a way i'm glad he was so blatant about it becuase at that point i could not deny that he was manipulting everything to his benefit. It was also an eye opener for the court as to the depths that he would sink.

a day later his dad came over. He knew my friend and sat and talked to me. As I told him about it I looked over and saw horror on my son's face. I knew that at that point he realized how badly he had treated me because even his dad was concerned for how i was feeling. But he never once apologized to me.

[outtolunch]

We so often, too often, rationalize ( excuse) manipulative/abusive behavior. We are hesitent to make harsh judgements and more likely to doubt ourselves than listen to what our gut is telling us about the manipulator's abusive character.

As I understand it, he claims to be in outpatient treatment ( paid for by insurance) which gives him the majority of each 24 hour period to do something productive, like work. And yet, he has chosen not to do this and instead, is free -loading off his sister. For all you know, he has abandoned this recovery program or perhaps been terminated from it.

This guy knows your weak points better than anyone. He knows the season. He faces homelessness because he cannot get along with his sister, a pattern. His own survival depends upon his ability to manipulate you into begging him to come home.

Get out of his way and let him fall or open yourself and children up for continued abuse.

[hello-kitty]

Hi Cassandra. My latest experience has taught me that it is ok if we slip back into our old patterns of behavior, as long as we get out of them as soon as we figure out we have slipped.

Manipulation is what it is. It is part and parcel of the disease of addiction. So now that I recognize it I am going to set a new boundary for myself:

I will not allow myself to being knowing manipulated into doing things and putting up with behavior that I do not feel comfortable with.

also

I will forgive myself quickly if I slip back into old codendent patterns of behavior and immediately take steps to get back on track.

I am remember that setting boundaries makes me feel strong and in control. That is because I am in control... of me!

You are too! (In control of yourself). So when you are ready (ASAP ;-)), let go of resentments and get back on track with your recovery. Remember that it's not about him. It's about you!

[cassandra2]

Originally Posted by outtolunch

We so often, too often, rationalize ( excuse) manipulative/abusive behavior. We are hesitent to make harsh judgements and more likely to doubt ourselves than listen to what our gut is telling us about the manipulator's abusive character.

As I understand it, he claims to be in outpatient treatment ( paid for by insurance) which gives him the majority of each 24 hour period to do something productive, like work. And yet, he has chosen not to do this and instead, is free -loading off his sister. For all you know, he has abandoned this recovery program or perhaps been terminated from it.

This guy knows your weak points better than anyone. He knows the season. He faces homelessness because he cannot get along with his sister, a pattern. His own survival depends upon his ability to manipulate you into begging him to come home.

Get out of his way and let him fall or open yourself and children up for continued abuse.

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your input. Outtolunch this is exactly how I feel. I feel that things are gonna get rough over the next few weeks and I need to be strong because I know that when I am weak I fall back into the behaviors that hello-kitty mentioned. That is why I am posting and want support major big time because I dont want him back in this state. Nothing has changed.

I DONT KNOW if he is in treatment. I am depending on someone who right now is lying and manipulating me to tell me the truth. Ya right. I really am unsure about that. So I have to get on guard and be ready for the attack.

Thanks hello-kitty. You are right yesterday I felt like dirt because I had let him suck me back in. But I bounced back quickly with the help of friends. I figured out the manipulation with their help and now I am able to put a stop to it. I need you guys so I will keep posting. HELP ME NOT BE WEAK AND LET HIM COME HOME!!!!!

I dont want to get sucked back in..............

[imallright]

hang in there, sweetie. It is hard and it takes tons of strength, but you can do it. I tell myself the samething everytime I feel sad and feel like I could cave. Keep talking to everyone here and keep talking to yourself. There is a big wonderful world out there, keep moving into that sanity and out of the darkness. HUGS to you!!!!

[hello-kitty]

Set your boundaries and be true to you. It becomes less about being weak and more about empowering yourself and those around you to make their own choices and live with the consequences.

Or just tell yourself... today I will not let him come home. tomorrow I may change my mind. But just for today I will follow through on my commitment to myself and my children.

[bluebelle]

I have known quite a few of these emotional manipulators in my life. It's amazing. They will tell you their sob story to try to get you to rescue them. However, if you don't they can always find someone else to rescue them. Remember, manipulators have an incredible ability to take care of themselves. My mom is an excellent example. I'd give you a specific case--but, wow. These stories are always so long and convuluted. I guess the last thing she called me about was eBay. She wanted me to call her and teach her how to sell something on eBay. Then, my grandmother called me----"Why don't you help your mom. We loaned her $500 because she had a negative amount in her bank account. She said that she would pay us back after she sold her wedding ring. We don't want her to sell it in the newspaper because she's all alone and we don't want strangers coming to her house. Please help her learn how to use eBay. Do it as a favor to us."

O.K. #(1) my mom is 58 years old. She is intelligent. Yes, her brain has been ravaged by drugs, but, I'm sorry. If she wanted to learn how to use eBay she could. (2) She has been saying that she would sell those rings for 20 years. (3) Why did my grandparents send her more money again. (4) (and this is my favorite) If I teach her how to use eBay, something will go wrong, and she will blame it on me. She will no longer have the responsibility to sell the rings, because it will be all my fault that she can't sell them. I know this very well because I've been there before. (5) My mom lets all kinds of weirdos into her house because she has a history of buying, selling, and trading drugs.

I have millions of examples. My point is that if your ex is capable of finding drugs, he is capable of finding a place to live. He is just trying to suck you in, so that you will feel responsible for him, and so that he can blame you when things don't go wrong. He will be fine. He will find somebody else to suck into his vortex who will "help" him. I'm sure you can imagine what kind of h*** he has put his sister through. I'm sure you can imagine why she is kicking him out.

Good luck and stay strong! Remember, you are responsible for taking care of yourself only. He is an adult, he needs to take care of himself.

[cassandra2]

I feel ALOT better today. I actually turned up the radio in my van and was bee boppin in the van!!!

I went yesterday and bought Co-dependent No More and a few other books. I have been reading and really allowing this to all sink in. I have dropped the idea that I am still dealing with the same person I fell in love with and seeing him for what he really is. I have gone back and thought about the ways he manipulated me and how I felt. Sure enough alot of my feelings were guilt and feeling sorry for him so much so that I thought I had made a mistake.

I have even been telling myself to get out of my head and get back into the world around me. Its so relieving to give the old noggin a rest. Thinking that much really hurts. I have stopped trying to anyalize everything.

I was able to spot his manipulation right away today and that made me feel good. Really their behavior is so predictable when you know what to look for. I sensed it right away because I was out of my head and in the moment and could see it for what it was.

Proud of myself for that. Thank you so much kitty. I actually wrote down the part where you said for today I will not let him come home. I put it on a post it note. That keeps me in the moment.

I just feel good. For the first time since this all started I feel very good. I am not concerned about what he is or isnt doing. I am concerned NOW with protecting myself and my kids. It hurts to much to fall into his trap of feeling guilty or sorry for him. So now I can truly say I am thinking more of my needs and my self vs him and what his needs are.

So thank you all. I really have learned alot and feel so much better about my situation....

[hello-kitty]

Me too Cassandra. Just for today, I will keep the doors locked and not answer the telephone if he calls. I will allow him the dignity of working his situation out for himself, without my "help" or enabling.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by hello-kitty

Me too Cassandra. Just for today, I will keep the doors locked and not answer the telephone if he calls. I will allow him the dignity of working his situation out for himself, without my "help" or enabling.

Beautiful words.....

[baxter]

Oh dear. After reading the descriptions I'm wondering how much of an emotional manipulator I am/was. Scary because some of them have fit me to a tee at times. I've used many of them at times with both my AD and exAH's. With my exAH's if they had a headache my woes were ten times worse living with them and I'd tell them. If they had a bad day mine was worse because of all they put me through. Of course if they were clean my life would be so much easier and if they loved me they would see that. I guess the guilt I put on them was just as bad.

Funny, until they were put in words I could see maniputalation in them but not in me and I've done every one of them trying to get them to change. More work on me needs to be done.

Thanks.

[cassandra2]

Please be patient with me everyone. I am having a moment of weakness.

I guess it is not registering in my brain that he is manipulating me. When he said that he was moving but yet did not know where he was going or what he was going to do I didnt make the correlation and now maybe I am trying to rationalize it.

Why would he tell me he doesnt know where he is gonna go? I mean wouldnt it just be easier to say "hey can I come home?" Please help me understand why this is manipulation. I asked him later if he knew what he was gonna do and he said no. Then I said "well you have plenty of places to go. Your moms, your sisters, your grandmas etc.." So if he has places to go why would he be manipulating me?

Its not like he is gonna be homeless.

Would you call this manipulation???? Today when I picked up the baby from him he asked if he could "borrow" a couple of smokes. I handed him my pack and said this is all I have (there was only one in there).

If that is manipulation, how?

Like I said before its not like he is gonna be homeless. He really does need to keep me posted as to his living arrangements because of our child we have together and because she stays with him during the day while I am at school.

I just need to get a better handle on this. Right now I am feeling sorry for him. I WILL NOT beg him to come home. But I would be open to talking about working towards that.

I am just at a loss please help me.....

[Impurrfect]

How are you feeling? Are you worried about him? Concentrating on where he's going to go, what he's going to do, etc.? eeling bad because he's in this position and he can't even afford a pack of cigarettes?

If so, then it's probably manipulation because you're all focused on HIM again.

Get out of his mind, sweetie. Chances are, he's not going to move tonight...he will still be at his sister's tomorrow, when you drop the baby off. So, worrying about all this tonight is getting you where?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[cassandra2]

Im not worried about him moving. I am worried that I may be wrong to think he is manipulating me.

Its easier to handle this if he I know he is manipulating me. I feel stronger if I think that he is still acting out his addictive behavior.

[winnie12]

If he asks to come home he gives you the control - he is the weak one needing you. If he guilts you into asking him home then he keeps the control - becuase then it is YOU who wants it not him who needs it. They want US to be the one offering because then they dont have to take responsibility.

My son is a pro at this. He will complain and whine about a situation in the hopes that I will just fix it instead of just asking up front for something. If he asks me I may say no but if he can guide me into knowing what he wants and offering it then he can say - well I didnt ask for this you just did it on your own. They look at it as a gift freely given instead of a favor someone is doing them.

Think about it this way - what would be easier for you - calling a friend and asking for a loan when your having trouble buying groceries or having them on their own send you a gift card to a grocery store becuase they knew you were having trouble? The manipulator wants gifts given to them becuase they dont want to repay or have any stake in asking for something.

[cassandra2]

So let me get this straight. If he hints around to what his problem is and swoop in and fix it or beg him to come home then to him it looks as if he is coming back on his terms. Meaning he doesnt have to do anything. This probably also would free him up to say to his family that I needed him to come and help me at home with the kids because I am going to school working etc.

Am I right? I am a very real authentic person I say how I feel and try not to beat around the bush. Which is why I am having trouble getting this through my head. I keep telling myself well if he really wanted to come home or work things out so we could work towards him coming hom he ASK right?

Thanks amy and winnie....

[cynical one]

You're way over analyzing everything he says, it's like you are trying your best to talk yourself out of having the ickies. The ickies are when our guts KNOW that what we are hearing is bull, but we try to rationalize our self-doubt.

Watch his feet...not his lips.

What ACTIONS is showing that makes you think he is trying to change?
Is he working fulltime so he can support himself?
Does he have a part-time job to supplement his income so he can get ahead?
Is he being accountable and responsible?
Is he paying his bills on time, on his own?
Is he saving money to get his own place?
Is he in any type of recovery program?
Is he willingly going to meetings, everyday and saying good things about them?
Is he seeing a therapist, counselor, shrink?
Does he have a sponsor?
Is he seeking out sober activities and sober friends?

I'm sorry I don't know how old he is, but I'm thinking he's a teenager because he is still living with his mother or sister.

Here’s more on manipulation:
Signs of Manipulation:

-Changing his moods abruptly and frequently, so that you find it difficult to tell who he is or how he feels, keeping you constantly off balance. His feelings toward YOU are especially changeable.

-Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling. He'll speak to you with his voice trembling with anger, or he'll blame a difficulty on you, or he'll sulk for 2 hours, and then deny it to your face. You know what he did--and so does he-- but he refuses to admit it, which can drive you crazy with frustration. Then he may call you irrational for getting so upset by his denial.

-Convincing you that what HE wants you to do is what is best for you. This way he can make his selfishness look like generosity, which is a neat trick. A long time may pass before you realize what his real motives were.

-Getting you to feel sorry for him, so that you will be reluctant to push forward with your complaints about what he does.

-Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does.

-Using confusion tactics in arguments, subtly or overtly changing the subject, insisting that you are thinking or feeling things that you aren't, twisting your words, and many other tactics that serve as glue to pour into your brain. You may leave arguments with him feeling like you are losing your mind.

-Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires, or his reasons for doing certain things, in order to guide you into doing what he wants you to do. One of the most frequent complaints is that their partners lie repeatedly, a form of psychological abuse that in itself can be highly destructive over time.

-Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other by betraying confidences, being rude to your friends, telling people lies about what you supposedly said about them, charming your friends and then telling them bad things about you, and many other derisive tactics.

-In some ways manipulations is worse than overt abuse, especially when the two are mixed together. When a woman gets called "b*tch", or gets shoved or slapped, she at least knows what her partner did to her. But after a manipulative interaction she may have little idea what went wrong; she just knows that she feels terrible, or crazy, and that somehow it seems to be her own fault.

[Still Waters]

Wow.

6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

Talk about spot on. The only thing my AH couldn't do "better" than me was with monthly issues. :P