Slipped, contact with AH last night.

[blizzard77]

AH # is blocked from my phones but he can still text me. I got a text last night saying he was angry and ashamed for the hurt he causes me, the woman he loves. He's never lived alone before and said it was a humbling experience (no ****, I've done it for a yr and a half and I'm doing it again). He said he knows he needs help. I did bring it up to him how fortunate he was to be alive after his recent intentional OD. I told him how incredibly scared I was to see him in such a condition, which brought on a few tears. He said I saw it for myself and it scared the poop out of me so he could only imagine how I felt ( I taped him on my cell phone in that condition because I wanted him to see what he was like).
I sent the video to him after he had gone. He says "someone is watching over me" and reminded me of two other situations in which he escaped catastrophic injury/death.
He has my RA brothers number but hasn't called him. " I can hardly think of my problems myself, I can't talk to a stranger about them".
I told him I have forgiven him at that I know his disease is the one in control of his life. I asked if he had a plan since he said I need help. He said "no". He just kept saying he loves me and misses me. That he sees all the family's coming out to eat together and knows that's what he wants but he knows I will not tolerate his addiction. So, I'm thinking to myself " go get help".
He was calling himself a looser and so on and I said STOP that it only leads you back to your addiction. I finally said to him that I do believe he loves me but that his love is limited as his addiction is his first love, if it weren't he'd be on his hands and knees begging for help. He said I was right and that he was afraid to give it up and fail again. I said think about what you just said afraid to give it up over your wife and your children and most of all for your peace and serenity. He doesn't want the no contact boundary I said I am putting in place after this last conversation.
No matter what I always kept in contact with him. My RA brother said get out of his way and let him live his life the way he chooses knowing that I will not be a part of it even if it's just contact. RA brother said in eleven yrs you have come far. You've kicked him out when he was using not going back on your decision no matter how hard it has been for you. But he continues to use. He knows he can call you and that you are the one person who loves him unconditionally. Maybe if you are not there and he don't have you to call when he's down and feeling guilty and ashamed it will sink through to him that he can't have his addiction and an emotional connection with you too!!
RA brother said you could be the key to him seeking out recovery for himself but you don't know because you've never gotten completely out of his way. Makes sense to me but AH doesn't like that idea at all (surprise). I said I talk to you and end up having/creating expectations which only hurts me when those expectations don't come to fruition. He did understand that and said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore yet it hurts him not to be able to hear my voice. I told him that I loved him and that no contact was not a way for me to punish him but simply for me and my commitment to take care of me. I told him if he ever decides to seek help, is active in recovery with solid proof of such I'd be happy to hear from him. He said "ok, I understand. I love you" and we said good-bye. I CAN do this. I know I CAN. No more slips. I pray for God's strength because this is my weakest area.

[GwenMarie30]

Well I have to say my firt thought when I read this was he was again trying to get you to feel sorry for him. I think also when you say, go get help then "we" may have options. He succeded in his message to text you. He just wanted you to think about him. Nothing about you. Just him and how he was sorry. I dont mean to be harsh. I just giving you my opinion. Did you spend the night thinking about him? Think about what a good man he could be if only he was clean? Got you thinking about the what ifs? That is an addicts game. Thats how they suck you in for however much they can. They want to make sure that you dont forget about them even if its the negative things. They want to keep that open. I did the same thing. I was sorry. But until I did something to prove it like go to meetings or rehab that sorry was empty.

Dont let him win again. Not even one small victory as text in reply to his excuses. Dont cause yourself more misery for one second by opening the message. Delete it too. Or if you read it dont reply. Not until he say I went to a meeting or I went to rehab. Only then maybe you can find some sympathy for him.

Big Hugs.

[Freedom1990]

Well, I'm not you and I was exhausted just reading through your post!

It sucked so much energy out of me, and took so much away from me when I continued to engage with the EXAH, no matter what the mode of contact.

I'd be in a tailspin for days when I answered that phone.

My oldest AD called me Monday night in full-blown crisis mode (which isn't unusual given her poor choices in life), and I am in the middle of the biggest week of this semester in college.

I simply told her it was not a good time as I was in the midst of college work, perhaps next week would be better, hung up, and turned it all over to God.

[blizzard77]

Gwen,
I didn't think about him all night. I hung up said my prayers and went to bed. I've been the road of thinking what if or how he would/could be a better man if he just quit. I know it's all about him right now and for him. But, for me it's about me this time. I do feel sorry for him, not because he's alone or missing me but because he is so under the control of his addiction he has given up everything that was good in his life. No matter how irrational his thinking may be he knows he needs help but it's ready to quit and get help anytime soon. I can't live like that anymore. I won't live like that anymore. I expect nothing but hope for the best. I don't think you were harsh at all BTW!! It is what it is.

[Troubledone]

blizzard77

I say - good job staying in the struggle.

It's a journey and we do fail at times - it's not when we fail, but whether or not we pick ourselves up again that matters. Each time you post you seem a little stronger to me.

It is a hard thing to cut off contact and you are moving closer and closer. I do think that your AH will do better without contact. My brother in law who finally got sober after A LOT of trouble with meth had an interesting insight. I asked him what made the difference and he said, there day came when he had no-one - he had alienated everyone, and he realized that he had to get his act together - and he did. It was the shock of being totally alone that made the choice for him.

So, keep up the good work. Prayers for your increasing strength and resolve.