Supporting a Friend ...

[Flame]

Hi. I'm new here and I'm already glad I found this forum. The topics I've seen and the answers have been helpful so far.

My situation is this ...
I have a friend who I am very close to but who lives in another state. Today is day one of his recovery after having spent the weekend on a coke binge. Previous to that, he had been clean for 10 days then had a slip (2 lines) then was clean for 3 more days before the binge.

He knew he was starting rehab today ... outpatient but intensive ... so he figured, as most anyone who is about to quit something would, to go out with a bang.

The problem I have is that I want to protect him, be there for him, make sure he knows he's cared for and all the other things that go along with caring about a loved one and what happens to them. I don't want to be an enabler. How can I care and show interest in his recovery without being overbearing and making him feel like he's not free?

I try not to lecture or preach to him about the dangers of what he's doing since he obviously knows what they are. I just don't want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. How can I help without over helping?

Mind you, we talk constantly even though we're states apart so I don't have to deal with the day to day, face to face aspects of his recovery but we are very close and I want to be there for him the best I can.

Thanks for any insight you can give me as someone who wished they could 'fix' my friend but knowing he needs to do it on his own.

~Flame

P.S. When he slipped, I acted like it wasn't a big deal, only a bump in the road so he'd know it didn't mean he failed. I'm trying, here, just need some support to BE good support for him.

[anvilhead]

hello and welcome to SR. many will be along with words of encouragement.....for now i'd say, how about let him let you know what he needs? right now he's got quite a mountain to climb.....you can't drag him up it, or push him up it, at the end of the day he has to be the one to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.....and he might not make it all the way to the top on his first try.

also keep in mind what he does or doesn't do has nothing to do with you.....or anybody else. you can't make him DO drugs, or make him quit. if he wants to clean up his act, he will and nothing will prevent him from doing so. basically YOU can't screw this up!!!!

[hello-kitty]

Hands off the addict. The best advice you can give him is:

"I know youre a smart guy. I have faith you'll get this all worked out."

Maybe start focusing on yourself - attend a few alanon meetings - learn what enabling truly is and how to avoid it. Read the book codependent no more by melanie beatty, and learn what makes you tick and figure out why you think anything you do is going to have an effect on someone elses drug problem. You didn't cause it. You can't control it and you won't cure it.

If he truly wants to recovery, he will throw himself into doing whatever it takes to get better. You will know by his actions. Not his words.

[Flame]

Thank you both. I actually did say (and say often) that I believe in him and I know he can do this and that he has to do it for himself, not anyone else. And I DO believe in him. He's stronger than he thinks he is. But I'm still scared.

It's like I know what to do but it really is so hard being in a position of caring so much for someone and not being able to do anything. And he's crashing hard and starting the withdrawals again so naturally any question as to how he's doing, feeling, whatever is met with animosity and anger and him saying I'm asking just to be annoying.

I won't leave our friendship. I want to be his friend because he does have more good qualities than bad and we have a lot of good between us. Is it wrong to be there for someone no matter what? Even if they're killing themselves and I do not approve? Sometimes I want to scream when he's high but I don't. And then sometimes I wonder if there would be a time where, if he doesn't really stop doing drugs, that I would eventually have to leave the friendship.

[anvilhead]

if he can't or won't quit, someday you may need to revisit your "friendship" - it sounds like right now it's really just based around whether he is high or not......shame you feel you have to ***** foot around, watch what you say, when you say it, for fear of his anger and animosity.....might be a good time to really evaluate the whole deal.....why "more good than bad" is GOOD ENOUGH for you......

[Flame]

I feel like I'm making excuses but I know I'm not really because of the fact that I do call him on the rudeness when he is rude. When I said 'bad' I was actually referring to the times we argue about stuff totally unrelated to his addictions ... but then are they really unrelated since when he had his 10 days clean and his head was actually clearer, he wasn't as quick to annoy. Lots to think about. UGH! lol

I'm to a point now, though, that if he's having a bad day or something I just steer clear. Like I said, we're not face to face anyway so it's not like I have to call so I guess that's a bonus.

[hello-kitty]

Sounds like it may be helpful for you to draw some boundaries up about the kind of behavior you find appropriate in your life. What's important to you? Maybe make a list of your values (ie... honesty, truthfulness, manners, etc. etc.) and from there, write down how you will respond if your boundaries are violated.

It's much easier to follow through on a boundary if it's written down.

IE.

I value respect. I treat my friends with respect and I expect my friends to treat me with respect. If a person is disrespectful to me, I will leave the environment immediately.

I value honesty. I am honest with my friends and I expect them to be honest with me. If I cannot trust someone, I will not let them be part of my life.

I value living drug free. If I suspect that you are using drugs, I will not hang out with you.

[Flame]

Thanks, those are really helpful. And the fact that you've actually written (typed!) that out made it easier to see that I have, in fact, already begun doing some of those things. It's hard but it works better than feeling lousy about some stupid fight.

I really appreciate all your advice.

[Randy911]

Originally Posted by hello-kitty

Sounds like it may be helpful for you to draw some boundaries up about the kind of behavior you find appropriate in your life. What's important to you? Maybe make a list of your values (ie... honesty, truthfulness, manners, etc. etc.) and from there, write down how you will respond if your boundaries are violated.

It's much easier to follow through on a boundary if it's written down.

IE.

I value respect. I treat my friends with respect and I expect my friends to treat me with respect. If a person is disrespectful to me, I will leave the environment immediately.

I value honesty. I am honest with my friends and I expect them to be honest with me. If I cannot trust someone, I will not let them be part of my life.

I value living drug free. If I suspect that you are using drugs, I will not hang out with you.

I really like the advice given here but I'm sort of in the position a little more than Flame is.

It's the same guy she is referring to --- only I LIVE with him.

Does the advice change any when the contact IS up close and personal rather than being a couple of states away?

[imallright]

Hi and welcome. I dont' thinkg the guidance and suggestions change. You need to decide what is good for you and what you won't have in your life. Then it is up to you to define what you will do if it is there. You are most important to you. Remember that. You did not cause him to use and you can not stop him from using. You can take care of you, regardless of his decisions.

Keep coming back here. You are not alone and there are many who will be glad to listen.

[Flame]

Just one question, though ... is leaving always necessary? I mean, does a person need to feel they have no one? If they truly have no one to turn to then why would they stop using? If no one cares ... you know?

[Randy911]

I couldn't leave him. He has no one else here--- no family, no friends that he's let get close to him --- no one.

Flame and I are all he has.

[imallright]

Do what is right for you. Both of you... he will fix his issue or he won't. Doesn't mean you have to leave, means you have to decide what you want and what you are willing to live with . Take care of you.

[Flame]

That makes sense.

[jerect]

Originally Posted by hello-kitty

Hands off the addict.

This is hands down the very best advice that anyone has every given me when it comes to dealing with my AH..

Oh' it's very very hard to do but once you let go and keep your hands off the addict and out of his recovery and turn the focus on yourself then life is truly so much better.. for both you and the addict.. For you because you know longer have to feel responsible for the addict and their behaviour... for the addict because now the ball is truly in their court and no one is enabling their disease anymore, no one is there to cushin their fall and they are forced to face the consequences of their choices..

[Flame]

While I do understand that, is it ok to ask how they're doing and to show an interest in them as a person like always? I can separate the addict from the person except when the addict acts irrational, then the person is hard to get near.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I'll let him deal with his recovery on his own. But are you saying that if we are there for him, we're enabling his use? He's still a human being and someone we love.

I am taking care of myself and I am beginning to learn to let go when it comes to this.

Thank you all for taking the time to talk and answer. Sorry if I go in circles.

[anvilhead]

it helps we can get over the notion that they NEED us there in order to recover....that if we take our eyes of them for even a minute they will spin out of control. i've used this metaphor before that their recovery is like them running a marathon....we can stand along the side of the road and clap encouragement and hand out water bottles, but THEY still have to lace up the tennies and do the running - REGARDLESS of whether we are there or not.....its their race to run.

[winnie12]

I think they NEED to be alone sometimes to realize what they are losing because of their addiction. If you act a fool and everyone still loves you and accepts you then why would you feel the need to change. I dont think addicts want to recover until they are afraid of loosing the things and people they care about.

[catlovermi]

Yep, Winnie, I agree. I think there is such a thing as emotionally enabling... "being there" and "loving them" and "not abandoning them" - when all these things do is divert their cold, hard examination of what the addiction is doing to them. I also believe they need to feel that desolation that they put themself into. Not that the people who love them should punish them, but just step away until recovery is well rooted. The folks who can help the addict in recovery the most, hands down, are other recovering addicts. The co-dependent's influence on the addict is just as confusing as having the drug right there in front of them. They need to empty out everything from their horizon except the cold, hard results of addiction. Yep, I agree, and not from an angry, punitive perspective, but just as an observer of patterns.

[hello-kitty]

Does the advice change any when the contact IS up close and personal rather than being a couple of states away?

Nope. Personal boundaries are important in ALL types of relationships. But you must be prepared to follow-thru on them, otherwise they are meaningless, empty threats.

I found that if I based my boundaries on values and things that are important to me and made them about controlling my behavior, not someone elses, they were much easier to maintain.

Afterall, don't we all have personal values and expectations? And shouldn't we try living up to our own expectations, before we try to force other people to live up to them?

[jerect]

Originally Posted by Flame

While I do understand that, is it ok to ask how they're doing and to show an interest in them as a person like always? I can separate the addict from the person except when the addict acts irrational, then the person is hard to get near.

Here is how I'm dealing with my situation with my AH.. I support him 100% in his recovery.. when he brought that white chip home on Sunday from his AA meeting, I gave him a hug and told him I was so proud of him.. When he decided to sleep in this morning instead of going to his AA meeting I said nothing.. Does no good to say anything because it will lead to an argument and there is no reasoning with an addict..

I have set boundaries for myself when it comes to my AH..

No drugs in the house at least where they are visible to me... if I find drugs or evidence of drugs laying around I throw them out... not because I'm trying to control the situation but because I refuse to have those things in my personal space..

I do not ride with him in his truck nor do I borrow his truck for any reason... thats where he hides his drugs and I refuse to get arrested for his addiction..

I do not argue, beg, reason or plead with him about anything.. drug related or not.. When you do these things it just causes you more pain... the addict just uses it as an excuse to use... they want you to argue and plead with them it's part of the manipulation card that they like to play.

I do not loan him money of any kind and I have quit bailing him out when any of his creditors calling looking for money.. Hey, he got himself into this mess he can find a way to fix it or suffer the consequences..

And finally I stopped trying to control a situation that I had absolutly no control over.. I got myself into a program and I'm focusing on me..

Just take things one day at a time and you will start figuring out stuff on your on and keep posting here...

[hope213]

welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. enabling is letting the addict control your life. letting them do the things they want to do that are wrong & not paying the consequences for what they do. if you live with them or not if they get caught for drugs & go to jail then they stay there. we do not bail them out,pay lawyers & ect. we do not let them steal anything from us with out a consequence. we r there for them when they r ready for help,rehab or whatever it takes to get them clean.read around,read "what addicts do" at the top of the forum. work on your recovery.saying prayers for all that love an addict. keep coming back.

[Randy911]

It's day 3 of his new life and so far it's going better than I ever expected. He doesn't sleep much and he spends alot of time pacing the floors (which drives me nuts) but as long as he's not high he can wear the carpet down to the wood floors for all I care.

The nights are the hardest for us both. When he does manage to doze off, he ends up waking himself several times with the shakes that seem to be ever present since his last snort wore off. He can be argumentative even at the best of times but so far he's trying really hard not to be a ******* to me and succeeding.

I told him that as long as he tries and doesn't interfere in my own personal stuff, I will stick with him all the way through to full sobriety.

After reading some of the stories on here, I realize I've been one of the few lucky people to have lived with an addict. He's never stolen from me, he's not in debt, he works more regular than most people who have never touched drugs, and he's only lied to me twice (both times about where he got his coke from).

I'm not saying he's the Saint Cocaine of the drug world because he's not. When he was high he could be the most maddening and difficult person to get along with that you ever did meet. He was prone to get violent but he never hit me --- we do have several patched holes in the walls, though, and a couple of television sets that will never work again. He's even punched out window panes with his fists and had to have his hands sewn up --- but he never (Thank God) laid so much as a finger on me in anger.

I'm just hoping he can stick with it and finish the treatment. The depression that hit the first day seems to be the worst of it right now, that and the shaking.

[anvilhead]

lucky huh? lucky to live with active addict? cuz he has a job and hasn't stolen from you yet? and isn't abusive, unless you happen to be a wall or a television? has only LIED a couple times? that you know of.......and now has everyone holding their breath while he goes thru yet another miserable detox?

this CAN be the last he has to go thru this......if he truly commits himself to getting clean and staying clean. hopefully he'll make full use of the tools that are available. you say you are willing to stick with him thru full sobriety...what does that look like FOR YOU? what boundaries do you have in place? what if he isn't really ready to be done?

ps - i should maybe qualify, that i'm a recovering crack addict as is my husband...i've seen the seamy underside of what coke can do........

[Flame]

So far he seems to be commited to it. I told him I believe in him and have faith in him. I also told him it IS his battle. That he has to do the work on his own and I can only be there to cheer him on. *Your marathon metaphor was helpful, Anvilhead!*

Randy is his home support and he and I talk all the time. He is learning a few things just in this short time about his own boundaries and how to deal with and enforce them.

Our addict is FAR from Saint Cocaine (good one, honey!), but ... always a but ... his destruction is for the most part (with the exception of walls and tvs) to himself. Not saying that's a good thing but he's not directing his anger at anyone but himself, which is how he got in this position in the first place.

Day 3. Whew.

Anvilhead, I do like your candidness. You don't sugarcoat Sh*t!