Supporting a Friend ...

[Flame]

Originally Posted by jerect

I do not argue, beg, reason or plead with him about anything.. drug related or not.. When you do these things it just causes you more pain... the addict just uses it as an excuse to use... they want you to argue and plead with them it's part of the manipulation card that they like to play.

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You have nailed that one on the head!!! I am learning that one right quick! The trouble was previously that I didn't realize he was an addict so any arguments that seemed ridiculous actually WERE (he's even said that to me about our fights). Now that I know, it's a little easier to back away and hang up or whatever.

[jerect]

Originally Posted by Flame

Anvilhead, I do like your candidness. You don't sugarcoat Sh*t!

Thats our Anvil... Her posts have helped me face the reality of my AH's addiction instead of the safe little world I created for myself.. I owe a lot of my recovery to her advice...

[jerect]

Originally Posted by Flame

You have nailed that one on the head!!! I am learning that one right quick! The trouble was previously that I didn't realize he was an addict so any arguments that seemed ridiculous actually WERE (he's even said that to me about our fights). Now that I know, it's a little easier to back away and hang up or whatever.

Flame, Something else that I do that has been so helpful with me in dealing with my addict is that I do not communicate with my AH at all if he is high..

When My AH gets high, I leave the house or I find something constructive to do with my time.. I don't talk to him, sit in the same room with him and I certainly do not try to reason with him.. I used to get mad but now I just do my own thing... it has made things so much easier for me..

[jerect]

Originally Posted by Randy911

After reading some of the stories on here, I realize I've been one of the few lucky people to have lived with an addict. He's never stolen from me, he's not in debt, he works more regular than most people who have never touched drugs, and he's only lied to me twice (both times about where he got his coke from).

Oh sweetie, I assure you there is nothing lucky about living with an addict..

I used to feel the same way you did.. I used to think, well at least he has a job and that he has never stolen from me and that he comes home at night..

Well guess what? Addiction is a yet disease.. YET is the oprative word..

Addiction is a horrible progressive disease in which it gets worse and all your YETS eventually become.. YES's and this continues until either your addict hits rock bottom and chooses to get help or when you get sick and tired of the situation and leave..

I know my post sounds harsh but I have been where you are right now.. I have watched my AH relaps time and time again, heard every empty promise, heard every lie and every excuse in the book..


You must take care of yourself.... You must set boundaries for yourself and stick to them and do everything in your power not to enable him...

Living with an addict is not easy and the road to recovery is a long one.. Keep posting here and remember TAKE CARE OF YOU

[Flame]

Well, Randy took one step toward enforcing his boundaries today. Today would have been Day 4 but our friend slipped. The one bonus is that he actually admits it when he slips. At least I think that's a bonus rather than us having to 'find out.' So Randy said he couldn't be near him when he was like that and left. Go Randy!!!

As for me, I could tell as soon as we spoke that he was high. When he actually admitted it, I got kind of quiet. I didn't ask for answers, just politely kept up the conversation. He knows we're both disappointed. When he said he had to go, I didn't say anything but 'Okay, talk to you later,' and we hung up. I think that's a huge step for me as before I would have asked a million and one questions and tried to make him 'understand' what he was doing. Today I just told him that it's his business if he wants to throw his money away on rehab because when they test him and find out he's using anything, he's out of the program.

I'm really, truly disappointed right now.

[anvilhead]

well that bites. however, it's the nature of the beast Flame...cocaine is just a monster to get over. i made day 3 so dang many times, but by then i'd have enough rest in me, and some food, and by golly wasn't i feeling pretty spiffy and then that "magical" thinking would take over - gee wasn't THAT bad, feeling pretty damn good, hey let's get some sh!t!!!!

i know it might sound like we harp on a the "hands off the addict" thing but there IS a good reason. one, if we get overly involved in THEIR recovery, or lack thereof, we tend to have EXPECTATIONS on how that's gonna go. two, addicts simply HAVE to figure it out for themselves - if we are always there to act as the "dope bouncer" or try to talk em out of it or see them as helpless, we are impeding THEIR process.

good for both of you for taking a giant step back. i might suggest the next time you are in conversation with your friend, and you suspect he's high that you shut down the conversation sooner.......don't "participate"....

[Randy911]

I told him I won't talk to him, sit with him, listen to him ramble, or even be in the same house with him when he's like that.

Then I left and went to a friend's house until he was gone to work.

He's not a bad person but I'm just not going to take it anymore. If he wants me to talk to him and listen to him then he can at least have the decency to be sober. He seemed shocked that I walked out on him like that and when he came home for his supper break a while ago, he wouldn't even speak to me.

We'll see what happens.

[Flame]

I'm not going to give him any lectures or try to reason with him. It's a waste of breath.

My confusion lies in this ... I was friends with him before I ever knew he was an addict. I feel almost like a traitor for giving him conditions now that I know.

The fact it that I don't want him to die. So I'm still going to be his friend. I'm just going to learn to instill my own boundaries. If I can't handle a conversation because he's high, he's just going to have to deal with me ending that conversation until he's in a better frame of mind.

I have guilt doing that because I don't want him to think that I don't want him around or that he's not welcome but neither of those things is true. I care about him so much but now that I know the reason for his erratic behavior at times, I can't put up with that for MY OWN good.

[Flame]

Just need to add that it still doesn't make it easier to stop it from hurting.

[anvilhead]

nope, compassion and empathy aren't always painless enterprises.......it's OK to hurt, just don't hang YOUR feeling better on HIS getting better!~!!