Tombplant

How is this possible? He was clean for 5 years when we met and he had a ton of girls and the issues to remove them causes some trust things at the start. He then turned into this person who I thought he was, faithful, didn’t care about being with multiple women etc. for someone who has said he hates intimacy and closeness why is he talking to so many girls already 2 weeks out of rehab?

It’s like he went back to the addiction of sex, girls, Snapchat, watching pornography online so fast. During our relationship he found something he was passionate in and was all about that. It just hurts so bad. Has he really moved on so fast? His counsellor and other people have told him to not contact me ever again. I feel so angry.

he told me he only stayed with me to support me financially, but we never split any bills or anything? He stayed at my place when he was back for a few days to a week a month and I never charged him rent. Sure he paid for dinners and other gifts but then would throw that in my face saying what he paid for when I never asked. Is this true? Someone stayed with me for that long and never had feelings? I wish I never met him currently. I feel so used and abused

Bookbuff

Hey Tomb

You sound in so much pain. Im sorry for that.
Honestly he sounds like a narc and if his family / friends and therapist are saying not to contact you, well you can be sure he is not saying the truth about your relationship.
I think no contact, no news or word on him and some distraction, if its walking, gardening, jigsaw....whatever will help
It hurts but try take some time, a step back. Breathe
Im sorry about the other women, sometimes people cannot be alone, at all, it sucks....but you need to protect yourself and your emotional and dare I say sexual health if he is with so many women.
B 🩷

Tombplant

thank you. I am in a lot of pain. For someone who has said so often that he hated the intimacy, the closeness, broken when it comes to emotional intimacy, and even struggled to keep sexual health up in terms of he watched a ton of porn then would not want sex then love bomb and then withhold and say he felt gross having sex - how can he pursue these other girls if he hates intimacy, sex and being close? Or it was just me.

Bookbuff

Hey Tomb
I would say he likes the.chase and the attention but what he cannot give you, he cannot give these women
Have you look up term narcissist. He really sounds like one. My ex was too. Awful mix with alcohol and using.
Do yourself a favor and block him on everything. I know how much this is hurting, seeing him do this is torture to yourself
B 😔

Tombplant

thanks bookbuff. It’s just hard. Often when he would lash out or have clarity moments he would say he hated the intimacy, etc. that he was uncomfortable getting close to people and wanted to be alone, has a compulsion to be alone and live in solitude. Once he said he would never make the mistake of getting close to someone again so he doesn’t hurt them. I just am so hung up on why he was pretended to be not some f boy if he really is? I feel like the entire relationship was a lie.

will the pink cloud syndrome fade for him? I just feel so awful.

Bookbuff

Hey Tomb
Honestly, what you say, I am not sure he could ever give you the committed relationship you want, I am not sure he can give that to anyone. I know it hurts so bad when you love someone and you are sucked in and cannot move on.
Im kinda similar at moment, ive blocked him but friends giving me updates which is hard, ive asked for no more.
I am trying one day at a time, go easy on yourself. You deserve real love.
B 🩷

edoering

So much of addiction of any kind is doing whatever will make someone feel “good” at that moment, and will allow them to avoid the actual problem and pain inside.

So, if it feels good to “fall” for someone new and have sex, he’ll do that. If it feels good to blame that person and his “intimacy issues” for when it stops being fun, he’ll do that. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone, because it’s not about the truth, it’s about avoiding pain and escaping reality and himself.

If you try to make it make sense, you will drive yourself crazy. He likely isn’t thinking big picture, he’s thinking about it what feels good right now, and how to avoid what feels bad. No matter how many times he has to lie or change.

PineappleGirl78

People with addiction problems are often addicted to other things as well. They usually replace one addiction with something else. That could be phone use, porn, sex, other drugs, gambling, adrenaline, etc. They love the dopamine and look for something easy. You being there and knowing everything about him isn't easy. It's not easy to face you, while facing another girl is. He can put on a whole new persona with someone else. He can not deal with what is going on when he is with someone else. But, I would remind yourself that YOU actually live in reality, these awful things are actually happening, and probably the only thing right now to do is get some distance so you can get some perspective. Hope some of this helps!

Strawbz11

Hello. I wanted to reply to you as I've experienced this. I dont really know what it's all about. My partner lost his relationship before me to this need for validation outside the relationship.. ofcourse the addictions and money issues majorly added to the split. I have heard alot of stuff over the 3 years I've know him from people he's hurt to the odd cousin who still talks to him. It would appear he's been this way for absolute years.

When I first met him the ex was brought up within a week. He said she still went round and it felt like a game he was playing. I remember thinking you are 47 years old why are you rubbing an ex in your new girlfirends face. Over time many different women caught my eye. Not because I'm paranoid. But because it was so odd! He was speaking to women from his brothers past. He was texting women from 30 years ago I'm school. He was adding women his ex went to school with. It was never ending.. women were deleted. New ones added. People re added. This eventually made me check his phone and see his cosy chat to his ex. We split. He got involved with a friend of mine I fell out with.

So much pain and heartache all the time. He had a woman of tinder he slept with when we were on a break. He then continued to chat with this woman behind my back. He was a pig!

Then when he returned he returned and removed his social media pages. He appears to a large extent to have changed and seems to hold me to a higher value now. But!!! There's has still been some questionable moments in the last 6 months. He sleeps in hotels alot due to work and home issues. He got over chatty with a questionable woman in January and she sent him a friend request just before he deleted fb. That made me wonder how their conversations went down if she wanted to keep access to him!!!! Then he stayed at another hotel and one of the staff became his little excited topic for a while. She'd hug him. Give him biscuits and chat to him. She'd be lovely to me. Too. I personally didn't see a threat in her. But he told me last week she won't speak to him now and has gone funny. He says he doesn't know why. I find this hard to believe and I do fear he's gone too far and hit on her or something happened between them! Its hard because you can't trust them.

I wish I was strong enough to leave but I still love him and want us to work. But it truly never leaves. It causes anxiety and pain. But from my experience they just lie and deny. You can't discuss it. If you try you become miss paranoid. Miss controlling. Miss jealous. It's never easy.

Strawbz11

I just wanted to add in regards to sex the first time we was together he was very odd with intimacy. He was very sexual on the phone etc. But we never went near eachother and he never came onto me. It was very confusing at the time. When we got back together and since he's been properly into sex and very intimate. Infact if he stops feeling close to me he usually wants that to bring that closeness.

In rows he often says "i hate that you have control over my feelings and it scares me how much power you have because I love you so much"

Its like he despises that he has emotions for me.

I think it all comes from them having huge walls up. deep down inside they dont like themselves. So they dont feel enough. They use women to boost that ego. Because if the woman's attracted to them or laughing or smiling due to them its a biiiiig boost and they get "fuel" from knowing they are fancied, wanted, etc. Often these people have daddy issues or were not treated properly growing up. They have deep rooted issues and emotions make them feel vulnerable.

I believe they are constantly going around in circles over the past. Then when they feel worthless they need a distraction.

I do believe they want love. Security etc. but they still have such a big void they need that feel gopd and this is where the "side salads" come into play.

I don't know about you but I often feel I'm mothering him. It's a very needy unbalanced connection and you are always trying to fix them.