Mrmay9th

So here is my story. Me and my gf were together for 2 years. She has had it rough with guys then she met me. She finally had a safe place in my home. We have so much in common. I absolutely love this woman. We have some ups and downs, it’s normal. But anytime she needed something or me, I have always answered the bell. Since being with me, her mom says she could sleep at night, her friends tell me how happy and good she’s doing. She told her friends that I felt like home to her. Her mother told me she has never seen her daughter so happy and content and at peace in so long. Well, last summer she lost her job and was sad. It was due to her seizures. I told her to take some time off and I’ll handle things for a bit but one day she’s have to get back on that horse. Well, she applied and nothing, worked jobs, nothing really stuck. She got depressed. Around the same time her addict dad got back in her life. She started going to see him again after she blocked him out of her life. Well around the fall things got weird. She started blaming me for “hacking” her iPhone. Arguments started. Blaming me for things I wasn’t doing. Cameras in our bathroom. Weird stuff. I was constantly defending myself. Arguments got bad. I was stressed out! Already balancing bills, the house, the relationship, everything. Now this! I said things I didn’t mean. I’m turning into soemthing I’m not! I was so lost! Her mother had no idea what was going on either. She would always ask for a ride to her dads or something. Well, day after thanksgiving I picked her up from her dads after the night before she bailed on our plans to sleep there. She wasn’t herself and she admitted to me she tried meth. I went off! Mostly out of fear. My mother was an addict (6 years clean). Few days later she broke up with me. Moved out but she didn’t really break up. We still stayed togehter. She still spent nights with me. Spent nights at her dads, moms, my house. Spent Xmas together. Like she never left. She told me “Babe, I’m the reason we are like this, I got to get help for my mental health, I don’t wanna lose you.” I was crying. Well after the new year, we were together and she started a meaningless argument over the definition of the word culture! Back to her dads she ran. She got arrested! Mom bailed her out. Back to my house. Between me and her moms. Then one weekend she’s at her dads. She called me late one Saturday to pick her up, she was sick. We spent all day Sunday with each other, had a good day. But she had to go back to her dads. I took her. Kissed me goodbye, told each other we loved each other. The next day I tried to call her. Nothing. Cal, call, call. Nothing. Not phone right to voicemail. All day. Tuesday morning same thing. Her mom and I were concerned. So I went to her dads. I busted her. Now I’m the bad guy. She went off on me. She was high. She broke up with me, she was done. Few days later she had a loaner phone, I got the number to help her, she said things to me that hurt. After that, her friends all came to me and told me how much she loved me. I blamed myself for a bit, then I researched. She bad mouthed me all to her friends. No one believed her. Every time I got an update, I called her mom. Her dad didn’t do a thing. Her mom revoked her bond. To jail she went. She ended up doing 3 months in county. She’s out now since May 3rd. She’s doing amazing, focused on her sobriety. Doing everything right. Thank God! Her mom and I talk. I forgave her so long ago. I want to talk to her. I stayed by her side the whole time. Her mom told me not to write her. I helped find her a rehab facility but the counselor said she didn’t need one. I defended her when people tried to say stuff. A lot of people wrote her off. Not me… I will not turn my back on her like people on her past. There’s a light in that girl that I’ve always seen. My door is always open for her. She made a mistake. I haven’t heard from her yet and I’m scared. Her mom said move on for now. I’m letting her do her thing and I’m living my life. My gut says she will look for me one day. I provided the peace and stability she always looked for. She says she misses my dog a lot. Her mom says she knows she thinks about me a lot. She hasn’t said anything to anyone. Her mom told me that she’s opening up abkut things slowly and when she does about me, her mom will talk to her. They don’t want to upset her. Idk… I love her.

trailmix

Hi Mrmay. Sorry it has come to this.

First things first - you didn't Cause it, cant Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

As you have seen, her path to sobriety and recovery (two very different things) is hers to make or break. There really is not much you can do. Right now she is focusing on herself (hopefully).

All you can really do is give her the space she wants.

That doesn't mean there is no hope, but that is no reason to put your life on hold either. Addiction can be complicated, drug use can be complicated. She has stated she has mental health issues and hopefully she will now get help and find a way to a better state.

No doubt there is, aside from the drug use and other issues, she may be a great person. But you can't have a relationship with someone's potential, you know?

Mrmay9th

I know…. I just wish I could be there with her through this. She is doing everything right. She is 2 months sober on her own now. I’m so proud of her. I know it’s still early. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and researching. I know the focus is on her and not “us.” It maybe be some time before I hear from her. If ever. Everyone says I will eventually. Time and space. She will conquer this. But I am living my life. I’m in the gym, I dropped weight, added muscle, I’ve been doing some different things. In therapy of my own. Trying to make the best of everything right now. Thank you for your response.

tessamarieg

I’m sorry you’re going through this because I know how much it hurts! The newly recovered man I’m missing has been a part of my life for the past few years, and he won’t speak to me now. He was in prison for theft because of his meth habit. We started writing letters and realized how much we have in common. Of course, I knew I was always at risk to be used, and that he could bail on me when he got out of prison. At first, when he got out, our relationship was on fire! We had so much chemistry and fun together! I believed in him and he believed in me. I thought we were going to live happily ever after. But gradually, he started acting different. Similar to your girlfriend. He confessed that he’d been using and that he needed help. So, of course, I stood by him and helped him until he could get into a treatment center. We really bonded during that time even closer than before. At first, when he went to treatment, he called and texted me all the time. We had a few arguments, but nothing that would prepare me for the letter, he wrote telling me that he needed to end our relationship, so he could focus on being responsible. He said I enabled him and he’d become dependent on me. I was heartbroken! I’ve tried giving him space, but would still reach out occasionally with no response. It’s been four months since I’ve seen him. He recently touched base to tell me his life was good, but that he was dating someone else. I’m trying to move on, work on myself like you are, but my heart still belongs to him. I miss him!!

Strawbz11

My heart hurts for you. It really does. I met a man 3 years ago who has been off the alcohol 100% since 2 months before we Met. He smokes a ton of weed though and I've found a pipe in his pocket recently. Money is always disappearing and despite him earning great money he spends it the minute he gets it. He has a ton of issues. Back pain.. depression, anxiety... poor relationship with his dad who recently died. He's a struggler whos bad choices have ultimately led him to where he us now.
I see alot of beauty in him. I love him amd he's so caring when he's in that mood. But he's also easy to flip and become Mr cold. He can blame me for all our disagreements even though he gets mad over small things. He's often trying to tell me it's me when it's him thats gone happy to moody in seconds. Often if he can't get money for weed!

He's been in and out my life. I'm the sane one. The fixer. The reassurer. The unconditional. Im always here and always waiting and always forgiving. I never walk away. He knows this. But truthfully I also know I'm harming myself being this way. I am allowing him to sell me short and also enabling him to carry on self destructing. He's got nothing in terms of family. Hes left me before. For 6 weeks. Then 7 weeks. Then 8 months. We have been back together 6 months now and we've had a million disagreements and honestly he's ruining my life. I was out with a friend last week and he was dumping me by text. Eventually that night when he'd battered my heart insisting he was done forever he turned it around and changed his mind. If only i had known 8 hours before when he ruined my day shopping and lunching that I wasn't being dumped.

It's a horrible place to be. You love her. You are selling yourself short and you are waiting for something that may or may not come. Essentially putting your life on hold. I have been there and ill be there again. Because I know deep in my heart that no amount of love or care will ever change the way he is. His personality. His habits. His emotions are always going to be this way. I've dealt with so many lows and damaging days. I've walked around in a distressed state a hundred times. I've cried and been anxious. I've driven my friends bonkers with it. But I'm still holding on. I know its a loosing battle. I just hope one day he finds peace before he dies. I hope that you find the sense in all your pain one day. Is love enough? I don't know. But I really do get you.

trailmix

You might find this post helpful, it's from the Classic Reading section in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ain-stops.html (Are you wondering when the pain stops?)

Mrmay9th

I appreciate the feed back. I feel as if a lot of you have dealt with a lot for years with your partners. See her and I were together for 2 years and we never had this issue. This was all of a sudden out of no where she started this. She was never an addict. Yes she made a terrible decision and somewhere along the line, someone got her to try this stuff. I dealt with this for a few months. As of today she’s doing amazing. Yes it’s early. I’ve seen pictures of her, she looks healthy. She isn’t really interacting with anyone else besides her family. She is in out patient rehab, I thought it was regular therapy like I’m in… she’s actually putting in the work. I’m proud of her. My door is always open for her to come back and for us to work it out. I’m currently living my life, living for me. Exploring new opportunities. The dating pool sucks today. She is 2 1/2 months clean on her own. It’s early. If I hear from her then I hear from her. I know I eventually will. When she’s ready.

trailmix

Just out of curiosity, prior to her using Meth with her Dad, she had no history of any addiction to substances, she didn't drink excessively or anything?

I just read your initial post again and in all of it you are the person saving her, making sure she is happy and safe and secure.

Have you done any research on adult children of alcoholics (or any addiction)? You might find some of it helpful to you. Sometimes we can tend to be "fixers" in a way trying to straighten out all those things that weren't when we were children, perhaps with your Mom's issues, this may be something you are trying to achieve.

Realistically, you weren't together 2 years without this issue, you were together maybe a year and a half before she became an addict. She then deceived you for 6 months or more. I'm not trying to be negative, but it is important to look at all this realistically and have a plan perhaps.

I would recommend you do some research on addiction, it's complicated. Once you are an addict, you can never go back to not being one. If she ever uses drugs again, she will probably end up right where she left off. So research for yourself perhaps, not for her, so you have that knowledge going forward.

Mrmay9th

I mean… she did drink yes…. She stopped. She has childhood trauma and unresolved issues. When she was in her 20s and so… she partied. You are right. She did recreational stuff. She grew up. This, what’s going on now. Was isn’t her I. But, honestly, she needs this. She needed this wake up call and this help. I need to snap out of it and stop crying about it. What’s done is done. I did the right thing. I guess I feel like I’m being punished for doing the right thing. Maybe that’s my anxiety talking to me. I know she’s just being selfish right now because she has to be. She is in treatment and she’s doing what’s best for her. I respect that. I seen recent pics of her. She looks AMAZING. Like, we had a good relationship before this BS. Then she said hurtful, untrue things, and I feel we have unfinished business and I want to show her that it was the drugs, not me, or the real her that caused all this. That once she’s healed, we can be us again. And the area we live in sucks. It’s a very lonely area unless you like going to bars or your in a relationship. I’m not a big drinker or anything. All my close friends are settled down. Her and I and 37 and 36 years old. No kids. We said that this was it for us. So I just continue to pray for her, for us, for patience, and for faith to know whatever what’s in store for me.

trailmix

So that childhood trauma and the unresolved issues and drugs used for quite some time, those are all things she is going to have to deal with to get in to recovery. It will probably be quite a long process for her.

I wouldn't hope for any quick resolution to this, first she needs to stay sober, then the healing and learning to move forward sober can happen.

For some people, and she is obviously one of them, isolating and focusing on herself is what she needs or thinks she needs, or perhaps is all she can cope with right now. So that's what she is doing and that's ok, as you have mentioned.

This may or may not happen. She also lived through all of this and I'm not sure what the untrue things were, they may have been just a warped, drug induced perspective, but it was still her perspective at the time. There truly is no way to know where all this will land.

She has a lot on her plate, think in terms of a year or more for her to really get a firm hold in sobriety, if she continues down that path.

I understand where you are coming from, it's hurtful and lonely for you. You also need to heal. There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent by the way, but there is a lot of information in the book on navigating relationships and boundaries in relationships that you might find really helpful going forward.