Need healing words after sudden break up w addict
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Join Date: Feb 2023
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Need healing words after sudden break up w addict
Hi there,
Thank you for reading. I am heartbroken after an ending of a relationship Brought on by my ex being triggered and his addiction causing impulsive decisions. We met and on day one he was very honest about his addiction. I had spent my teenage years dealing with an alcoholic mother who never has admitted to what she has done and I saw him to be so honest and strong for admitting and working through his addiction. When we met he was 1.5 years sober and had not yet been in a relationship. this 1.5 years was spent outside of a relationship and mostly committing himself to god..I am not religious but I supported him in this. His past relationships were mostly with addict partners , one of which had severely mistreated him and his son. He also shared his pain over not seeing his son for 6 months because of his drug use. He said that he would never do anything to jeopardize his children again. We seemed to instantly connect and things moved very quickly during the 6 months that we spent together. He told me that this was the first healthy relationship he had ever been in. We met each other's families, I played step mom to his two kids, he talked about the future of marriage and we had agreed to move in together. Things for thee most part were "rainbows and butterflies"
On Christmas weekend things took a turn. He let me know that he didn't want a pet in his living situation after knowing since day one that I had a cat.
he refused to show any compassion or understanding at my upset reaction and asked to "put it aside for later". and continued to say he was not making me choose between him and my pet. He refused to talk any more about it and I couldn't let it go. I pushed for the conversation. Which turned to argument. We were arguing in the room and his kids where there. He was telling them to go in the living room and I began to shut the door to the room.
He decided to take space by not talking to me and I did have a hard tine with that. I allowed some but reached out to try and talk.
In the end he said "everything was great. We were having fun" but that I shut the door on his kids and that was a deal breaker. He blames me and has convinced himself that this was all my doing. "This never would have happened if you would have just let it go".
He wouldn't give me a single conversation after this and I just found out that he got married to a stranger that he met at church one week after we broke up.
I understand that this is about his addiction and unhealed trauma, but I am struggling every day to not blame myself. Any words of wisdom and healing would be appreciated
Thank you for reading. I am heartbroken after an ending of a relationship Brought on by my ex being triggered and his addiction causing impulsive decisions. We met and on day one he was very honest about his addiction. I had spent my teenage years dealing with an alcoholic mother who never has admitted to what she has done and I saw him to be so honest and strong for admitting and working through his addiction. When we met he was 1.5 years sober and had not yet been in a relationship. this 1.5 years was spent outside of a relationship and mostly committing himself to god..I am not religious but I supported him in this. His past relationships were mostly with addict partners , one of which had severely mistreated him and his son. He also shared his pain over not seeing his son for 6 months because of his drug use. He said that he would never do anything to jeopardize his children again. We seemed to instantly connect and things moved very quickly during the 6 months that we spent together. He told me that this was the first healthy relationship he had ever been in. We met each other's families, I played step mom to his two kids, he talked about the future of marriage and we had agreed to move in together. Things for thee most part were "rainbows and butterflies"
On Christmas weekend things took a turn. He let me know that he didn't want a pet in his living situation after knowing since day one that I had a cat.
he refused to show any compassion or understanding at my upset reaction and asked to "put it aside for later". and continued to say he was not making me choose between him and my pet. He refused to talk any more about it and I couldn't let it go. I pushed for the conversation. Which turned to argument. We were arguing in the room and his kids where there. He was telling them to go in the living room and I began to shut the door to the room.
He decided to take space by not talking to me and I did have a hard tine with that. I allowed some but reached out to try and talk.
In the end he said "everything was great. We were having fun" but that I shut the door on his kids and that was a deal breaker. He blames me and has convinced himself that this was all my doing. "This never would have happened if you would have just let it go".
He wouldn't give me a single conversation after this and I just found out that he got married to a stranger that he met at church one week after we broke up.
I understand that this is about his addiction and unhealed trauma, but I am struggling every day to not blame myself. Any words of wisdom and healing would be appreciated
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Don't blame yourself. The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind. Character is not developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiencing trials and suffering is the soul strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Without a doubt, it hurts and is painful, but you will come out the other side stronger and wiser than you imagined. Sending positive thoughts your way.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
It really is not your fault. You won't believe this now but it's good you found this out now rather than later. Imagine been married to someone who has such a short fuse. That's many, many years of walking on eggshells. When you see how someone reacts to something small (even though I know the pet is not small to you), you can see how they react under stress - trouble at work, financial trouble, car breakdown, so you could have expected more of the same.
There is "sobriety", meaning free from drugs and there is "recovery". These are two very different things. While he may be sober, he obviously has issues that he needs to address. This will be if he chooses to of course.
His marrying a "stranger" a week after you broke up is very odd - way out in left field.
Time now to take care of yourself and look to what you want. It's going to take time to heal from this and there isn't a shortcut unfortunately. It will make you feel better, over time, to spend time with family and friends, to do things you like, to keep busy but don't ignore your feelings.
There is "sobriety", meaning free from drugs and there is "recovery". These are two very different things. While he may be sober, he obviously has issues that he needs to address. This will be if he chooses to of course.
His marrying a "stranger" a week after you broke up is very odd - way out in left field.
Time now to take care of yourself and look to what you want. It's going to take time to heal from this and there isn't a shortcut unfortunately. It will make you feel better, over time, to spend time with family and friends, to do things you like, to keep busy but don't ignore your feelings.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I agree with trailmix about the future years of walking on eggshells.
It seems to me he doesn’t want to talk to you about any of it because it might challenge his chosen narrative for the events of your breakup. He wants to believe it’s your fault, so that’s what he’ll believe. And he doesn’t want to hear/see anything that is to the contrary.
But his reality is his problem, not yours ❤️. Someone on here (in my early days of my sudden breakup with my ex-AH) told me I can think of it as “in X’s world.” Because he was living in a different world than me, haha. It did help me not give his version of events too much power in my life. You know what you experienced, you know it wasn’t your fault, and it’s probably better not to be in a relationship with someone who is currently so uncompromising with your needs and your perspective.
It seems to me he doesn’t want to talk to you about any of it because it might challenge his chosen narrative for the events of your breakup. He wants to believe it’s your fault, so that’s what he’ll believe. And he doesn’t want to hear/see anything that is to the contrary.
But his reality is his problem, not yours ❤️. Someone on here (in my early days of my sudden breakup with my ex-AH) told me I can think of it as “in X’s world.” Because he was living in a different world than me, haha. It did help me not give his version of events too much power in my life. You know what you experienced, you know it wasn’t your fault, and it’s probably better not to be in a relationship with someone who is currently so uncompromising with your needs and your perspective.
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