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-   -   Did he leave because of Crack or the Other Woman (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/158653-did-he-leave-because-crack-other-woman.html)

tawhite 09-26-2008 08:02 PM

Did he leave because of Crack or the Other Woman
 
I can't help but to wonder did my ex-husband actually leave because of the crack addiction or because he is actually in love with someone else. I think about their relationship and wonder why was I not good enough. What does he see in her? I've seen her and God forgive me...she is nothing to write home about. Has he stopped using crack? Has he changed? Will he finally get his life together? Is he happier where he is?

The mind is very mysterious, it will have you wondering about things that are so uncessary and ridiculos. I actually have so many racing thoughts and questions in my mind pertaining to this Nut!

It's the things that he said when I found out what he was doing. When I caught him at the woman's house, when I rammed his car. He said so many awful things to deliberately hurt me. He was nasty and cruel..no feeling at all that I was hurt, upset and betrayed by him. He made me feel like it's because of me...that he left. For example, he said I let the kids run my life and I did not satisfy him sexually..however he had no problem with this two weeks before he left. He said he no longer loved me and he was in love with her. He complained about everything when he was home. He made everyone in the household miserable. I had my faults but they in no way surpassed the things that he was doing. I catered to his every need because I knew he had a problem, and hoped he would get help. I treated him like a king. Yes, I was a fool, because every woman he has had relationships with treated him like a king also. He admitted this himself.

It may sound crazy, but I try to cousel myself. I keep repeating in my mind...I know this man's history. I know he is an abuser of crack. I know he has had so many relationships with different woman taking care of him. This is how he lives and there is nothing I can do to change it. He just sucked me into his chaotic life, just to dump me because he no longer has use for me. So, Why do I keep pondering with this thought of whether he truly left because of the crack addiction or me? I don't know.

Stubborn1 09-26-2008 08:08 PM

It's kinda a typical story. You came in between him and his crack. He found a sucker who was dumb enough to take him with his addiction or she's very dumb that she can't see that.
He's done you a favor.
The crack is his first priority. If she stands in the cracks way then she's gone.

Nothing wrong with you but you were not fool enough and he saw that. ;)

kj0975 09-26-2008 08:31 PM

There could be a million reasons why he left and I'm sure he said things to intentionaly hurt you. I have been there and I could do everything he wanted and pleased in bed or in any other way YET it was always my fault he would have a bad day. Its like I hung the moon and stars for him yet it was never enough. Maybe this other girl is doing everything he wants her do to cause she in manipulating her. Manipulating her to do things and says just the right things to her. They are always great men in the begining then they turn into monsters when you dont jump when they tell you so.

They are so used to being given their every whime that when u finally stop giving in to them and realise your being manipulated they say every mean thing they have to make you think its ALL your fault and its not. They have this very mean thing about them and know how to push your buttons to make u feel like its your fault. There will come a time when the new women who probably support him financialy and gives him everything he want will come to her senses and will learn to say no and he will kick her to the curb and will try to get you back and say all the right things and will promise to change and be the perfect man and father. Until u say one thing he doesnt life and then he will say nasty things to you again.

I know the pain your dealing with and the hurt and the self blaming your going over and over in your head. Even if you were perfect and did everything he wanted it will never be enough. I know its hard now but look at this as a blessing being away from the abusivness and the put downs and feeling if you only did this things would be differernt. No matter what you did it still wouldnt be good enough. For right now while your suffering the pain and the what ifs take time to be good to yourself. I know its hard but this is the time for you and your kids and time for peace and no chaos in your life. You will see the happiness and appreciate all the good things and learn who you are which is a great mom and a good wife who was taken advantage of. Take time once a week to go out with your friends and meet new people you will be amazed that their are people out there who will treat you with respect without expecting anything in return.

I know your heart is hurting and it will take time and time to work things out in your mind but you will fell alot better not wondering what he is doing or what drugs hes on or sleeping with your purse and hiding things. Take this time to find yourself and what YOU like. Your a great person who deserves great thing and all good things come in tiem. I was you once 10yrs ago I thought my life was over and I would never be happy again once the crack addict dump me for a better woman who could cook and he could sneak in crack while I would tolerate it. I found who I was and I wasnt a doormat and people really like me for me. In time it will work itself out. Time heals all wounds. I am now with a great guy who doesnt do drugs and appreciates me and treats me like a queen. Cause I tolerate no disrespect done that once an learned a valuable lesson. It was a life lessen and I appreciate myself more for finally defending myself and not trying to please someone who I could never please no matter how hard I tried it wasnt my fault at all it was HIS and HIS insecurities and addiction nothing to do with me. Hold your head high and demand respect and you will get it. Hope this makes sense might not today but will in the long run (((HUGS))))

lisa1235 09-26-2008 09:07 PM

i dont think the problem here is why he left...i think the problem here is you've allowed him to effect youre esteem.you are a worthwhile person.he should'nt be needed to validate that.you may have allowed him to use you and that leaves bitterness.to move on with youre life you must realize it was not you making him like he was...its him bottomline...no matter who hes with hes the same person until he decides to change.you,me,god or noone else can do this for him he must do it for hisself.its not a overnite process going threw a breakup but the key is to move on with youre life you have to stop blaming yourself..learn from mistakes and dont take it with you in other relationships.the most important relationship should be the one you have with youself first..if you love yourself you avoid pain inficted by others because you dont allow youself to have those kinds in your life.i hope you look inside first for happiness..hugs..i've been there..now im better!

frankly 09-27-2008 04:07 AM

((tawhite))

For me, who was in almost your exact situation, I realized that it really made me feel low because here I was, couldn't even hold on to a crack addict. My husband was the lowest of low, so many affairs, so many drugs, and I kept hanging on. I knew what a horrible person he was, but I still, treated him like a king and just kept taking it. So when he left for a woman that would do drugs with him, I felt lower than he was. After everything I had done for him, endured and suffered for him, didn't mean squat, therefor, I didn't mean squat.

It's because he had programed me that way, he had manipulated me and worn down my self confidence for so many years that I readily just accepted that I wasn't worth a dime, wasn't even worth him.

As long as he could keep me down below him, well, it always gave him a boost. But when I started rising up, putting my kids before him, getting ME back, I wasn't putty in his hands any more, he had to move on to something or someone that he could control and keep down, someone who would party with him, not give him grief over what he was doing. Someone who didn't remind him that what he was doing was wrong.

I'm proud today to be the woman that he had to get away from. It means I was getting stronger, making my life better, learning not to accept the unacceptable, I was breaking free from the cacoon of fear and unhappiness. Yes I am proud to be that woman. You should be proud too, you are that same woman, the one who would not be broken.

Hugs and Prayers
B

jerect 09-27-2008 04:25 AM

He left not because he was in love with the OW, he left because he was in love with crack. The OW is just another pawn and a tool for him to use. He will eventually leave her too.

Stubborn1 09-27-2008 05:40 AM


Originally Posted by frankly (Post 1924679)
((tawhite))

For me, who was in almost your exact situation, I realized that it really made me feel low because here I was, couldn't even hold on to a crack addict. My husband was the lowest of low, so many affairs, so many drugs, and I kept hanging on. I knew what a horrible person he was, but I still, treated him like a king and just kept taking it. So when he left for a woman that would do drugs with him, I felt lower than he was. After everything I had done for him, endured and suffered for him, didn't mean squat, therefor, I didn't mean squat.

It's because he had programed me that way, he had manipulated me and worn down my self confidence for so many years that I readily just accepted that I wasn't worth a dime, wasn't even worth him.

As long as he could keep me down below him, well, it always gave him a boost. But when I started rising up, putting my kids before him, getting ME back, I wasn't putty in his hands any more, he had to move on to something or someone that he could control and keep down, someone who would party with him, not give him grief over what he was doing. Someone who didn't remind him that what he was doing was wrong.

I'm proud today to be the woman that he had to get away from. It means I was getting stronger, making my life better, learning not to accept the unacceptable, I was breaking free from the cacoon of fear and unhappiness. Yes I am proud to be that woman. You should be proud too, you are that same woman, the one who would not be broken.

Hugs and Prayers
B

Child, you hit the nail on the head! Nicely put.
I felt the same way. "omg, I can't even get an alcoholic low life to love me" I thought I was pretty bad. LMBO about it now though. Sheesh. I should have just handed him a box to live in and a can of tuna and told him to have a nice life.:chatter

Impurrfect 09-27-2008 07:44 AM

I agree with the above. My XABF found another girlfriend (victim) soon after I left. When he saw me again, and I was working, had money and a car, all of a sudden he wanted me back...because he wanted to use me to get more crack.

I know it hurts, but in time, you will see he did you a favor. My self-esteem took a heavy blow...not only from MY addiction, but being "in love" with an addict. I started taking baby steps, and I'm still a work in progress, but I no longer worry about why he didn't love me like he said he did. He didn't love me because he only loves crack and he will always find someone else to give him what he wants...for a while.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lovesmenot74 09-27-2008 09:37 AM

Oh MAN I'm so glad I found this forum ... I am feeling the EXACT same way right now!! That even an unemployed, drug using, liar, thief was too good for me!! I go back and forth from thinking ... there is no WAY he could be having fun or doing anything other than getting high with his buddies, to thinking that this new gf must be paying for everything like I used to ... to thinking ... maybe it WAS me ... maybe his life will get better after taking up with someone new ...

I have to have a conversation with myself EVERY day that he loved me when I had a good paying job and money in the bank and paid for us to do everything, and took him to places he would never be able to afford to go by himself ... when I was telling him what he wanted to hear ... and as soon as I required him to help out, get a job, etc ... he started being nasty and disappearing. Then when I had to leave my job for persona reasons ... he was eager to help me spend my savings and now that I wasn't working he STILL wasn't contributing financially even tho his welfare check was our only source of income.

I remember before I kicked him out, we were out of groceries and he went into town to pick up his welfare check and was supposed to come back that afternoon so we could get groceries. He didn't come home for 3 days ... lied, said he was waiting for the check ... when he really had picked it up already, given his friend money for food and bought a case of beer and KFC for himself!!! I had to ask a neighbour for food so I had something to EAT for the next 3 days!!!

I think it's hard to remember that as someone else said ... they aren't leaving because they've found someone "better" ... they've found someone that either supports and participates in their chosen lifestyle, or someone who is willing to support them financially or otherwise ... maybe even BOTH. Once they've sucked that person dry, they'll move on to the next person.

My ex hasn't been here since July and still his voice is in my head telling me that it was my nagging etc that made him leave ... that "there are things you can't take back" that is the last thing he said to me ... in reference to telling welfare he wasn't living here rather than allowing him to still collect here while he owes me almost $1000 and I had to borrow money for rent to avoid eviction. I told him there were a million things he did that couldn't be taken back and yet I forgave him for those things .... but what we see as loving actions they see as weakness I think ...

It's hard ... mine was perfect in the beginning too ... the most amazing love of my life ... I've never felt that way about anyone ... I thought we "got" each other and the pain we'd endured thru life ... problem is that I chose to deal with my issues (and still am) where he chooses to numb out and blame everyone else ... I tried so hard to help him ... comforted him when he was curled up in the fetal position crying ... but all the crying etc still isn't enough for him to face his problems ... he'd rather curl up and shut down.

Now that I'm left in financial ruin ... he wants nothing to do with me. I have nothing to offer him ... so he's moved on to someone else who can take care of him ...

*sigh* And I still love him.

KMMK 09-27-2008 10:34 AM

this story is all too familiar to many of us.
we stick with them thru ...thick and thin..
better or worse...(this of course is not reciprocated !).
and then ..when we dont enable, or rescue or support or adapt..or appease..the A and the disease...they become increasingly angry, resentful and find faults with us..for taking care of ourselves and setting healthy boundaries.
A's and their disease dont like us getting healthier, stronger, assertive and taking care of ourselves because if we do..it means denying them..and they are not first!
.as i got healthier...problems became increasingly apparent on his end
because i then expected of him...held him accountable..and that was not what he had in mind for our "relationship" lol
mutuality with an A...does not exist..
its either their way or the highway..and i got the highway..as did many here..
after many months of shock , disbelief and hurt on my part..i now am detached enough to see it was all about him...always was...and i just didnt fit the bill or
jump when his majesty cracked his whip!
lol
loving an A was a thankless and exhausting job..
with mostly getting complaints in return from the unpleasable A.
now im resting up..taking care of me..and pleasing me..
off the rollercoaster..and boy..its taking me years to recover in every aspect..
physically , mentally and emotionally.
As for the next "victim"..i say God bless her..
nobody will make that man happy for long..
in retrospect..im surprised and even amazed , he and i lasted as long as we did.!!
A's dont like when we wise up, get smart, try to find some balance in the relationship...not just us giving and them taking..
them demanding and us being thankful for the crumb they throw us now and then..
they complain..and we try so hard to please the unpleasable.

he did me a favor....when he left..i got me and MY LIFE back again..

splendra 09-27-2008 01:30 PM

I hope that you will one day stop wondering about this and just consider yourself lucky that crack and everything associated is now out of your life.

I hope one day I will be so lucky.

KMMK 09-27-2008 01:32 PM

ps...oddly enough as this sounds...and strange and bizarre as it sounds..
i know that he did love me ..alot...but the disease had more power than the love.
I dont think that because an A behaves selfishly, and as the disease would typically dictate , does it devalue that they did have feelings for us..that were genuine and true.
i know that with my whole heart , soul and gut..that love was there and present..
which is why it was even more shocking and painful as the disease and associated acting out behaviors progressed.
it gets to a point..that all that matters is the addiction..the drug..the high..
the isolating...and not having that interfered with by anyone...children, loved ones..
pets..
jobs..
responsibilities.

just my experience..
Addiction supersedes..even love..and loved ones..
They make promises..and might have the best of "intentions" but as long as they are using...it is useless.
words/ not actions....= empty promises..

barblsn 09-27-2008 02:25 PM

"The crack is his first priority."

My husband and I agree that Crack was the other woman.

lovesmenot74 09-27-2008 03:43 PM

KMMK - my heart and gut also tell me that my ex really loved me ... and I'm having a hard time imagining that a love as deep as I felt we had could so quickly erode to the point where he won't even talk to me and now has a new girlfriend. I thought our love would last forever ... and I think that is part of what is making it so hard for me right now ... I feel that our story isn't over ... I feel connected to him still ... but I can't live like this ... and I wish he could see that the things I've had to do were FORCED upon me by his choices ... I had NO other choice but to take care of myself and let him be responsible for his own actions or I would have ended up homeless ... and he can't seem to see that part right now.

lovesmenot74 09-27-2008 03:45 PM

until the drugs etc ... I never EVER doubted his love for me ... it was the most secure I'd EVER felt in a relationship so it really knocked the wind out of me when he started acting so unlike the person I thought he was. I don't even know this person ... I see glimpses from time to time ... the only times I ever saw who he really was were times when he was home for a few days ... but it got to the point where he wanted to be wherever I was NOT ...

I miss him so ...

SlvrMag 09-27-2008 04:05 PM


Originally Posted by KMMK (Post 1925148)
ps...oddly enough as this sounds...and strange and bizarre as it sounds..
i know that he did love me ..alot...but the disease had more power than the love.
I dont think that because an A behaves selfishly, and as the disease would typically dictate , does it devalue that they did have feelings for us..that were genuine and true.
..



Thank You. My husband is convinced that the years I was using, my love for him was not "real". Yes it was, I just had a hard time showing it because I felt so guilty.

littlebird77 09-27-2008 04:53 PM

The other woman is not who you think it is. The other woman is crack, for the, "other, other" woman, she will be the other woman, because as I said, crack is the other woman.

frankly 09-28-2008 05:32 AM

I feel a need to confess my part in all of it. I can look back and see some things that I couldn't see while I was in the relationship. My ex was the most wonderful man in the world too, at first. I gave and gave and gave. Until I was financially depleted.

But here is the hard part for me to admit. I had emotional problems, I needed someone to love me. I wasn't right with myself. I didn't love myself. I held on to him so hard and so long, because I had my own issues that I was using his "love" to balm over. And yes, I could use his sorry butt as an excuse not to address my issues. He is the druggie, he is the problem. But I was the problem too. I didn't love myself enough to stand up sooner. I was addicted to him and his "love". It made me high and giddy at first, but over the years, it got less and less of a high, of a feel good, so I would do just about anything to get that feeling back again.

What I realize now, is that I had it all along...inside me. When I started loving me again, I found what I was looking for in him. That gaping lost feeling in my soul, started feeling filled again.

I no longer try to hide my sickness behind his addiction. I am co-dependent. I have to work on that every day, one day at a time.

Love and Hugs to my fellow brothers and sisters.
B

historyteach 09-28-2008 05:57 AM

Please read, "What Addicts Do" at the top of this forum, in the stickies.
It will make clear to you that he did not love you; it was impossible for him to love you because he does not love himself. You were a tool for him to use.
Please read it. Then, stop being surprised.
You will be able to regain your life and your self value one step at a time, after you accept that reality.
I say this with empathy and with love in my heart for what you are going though... :hug:

Shalom!

cinderellawkids 09-29-2008 12:17 PM

WHen they leave "for " another woman, its just because the life with them is more ameanable to get crack, to do what they want and have no responsibilities.

Recently where I live a man was gunned down over crack. He was living with a "fiance" he'd known 6 months and met on the streets. SHe claimed "he didnt do drugs anymore, I dont know where these guys came from" "He was a good father trying to get his kids back" I wonder about the man's childrens mom, and how she felt...court records show years of addiction but no charges in 2 years, but you know what...an hour before the man was shot he was seen with the girlfriend hitting her to get $20 from her pocket

Ive never known someone to be sorry for leaving a crack addict


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