I can't forgive myself

[littlebird77]

for all the terrible things I said.

"This is going to kill you and when it does I will spit on your grave."
"Why did you not overdose this time?"
"You are a junkie."
"I hate you."
"I don't love you."
"You chose the drugs over me."
"Why are you even with me if you love drugs so much?'

I could go on... I really lost it.

[justjo]

Mmmm.. I have said terrible things too in an outrage of frustration. Its OK, he probably wont even remember in the morning.

[lightseeker]

LB -

you're not the only one that has said those things and worst. Know how I know? I've said them too. I always feel terrible when it happens and it's reminder to step back and take a good look at the situation. Generally, I lose it when my boundaries have been crossed. It also means that I have not been doing a very good job at self care - if I had, I wouldn't allow myself to be around or involved with someone that was not respecting my boundaries. You can't choose whether someone uses or not but you sure can chose whether to be around them or with them.

Go easy on yourself and just resolve to take better care of yourself.

Hugs -

[Done-With-It]

Littlebird Remember how they say Love the Addict, Hate the Addiction.

I have a feeling you were speaking to the Addiction not to him.

Just like an addict has choices, you have the choice to or not
to forgive yourself. Saying I can't takes your power away from
you, tells your mind something that is not true.
It's okay to not forgive yourself right now, but know in time
when you are ready you DO have the power, and it is in
you to forgive yourself.

It is okay to hate the addiction,
it is okay to hate to watch someone
who is trying to kill themselves,
I personally do not think that makes you
a bad person.
You are human and you have feelings.
Our brains try and make sense of our
world, hate often comes into play the
same as love. I think often when there
is love there is that feeling of hate, that
many of us can sometimes feel.
It makes you human, not a bad person.

Go easy on yourself, you are not at fault for
feeling how you do.

JMO

[BBD]

Oh littlebird~~Please forgive yourself for the things you have said. I bet everyone on here has said the same things before they totally understood addiction. Be gentle with yourself, get to a few meetings for some help~~and remember "He won't stop till he wants to"!! Smiles, Bonnie

[Callie]

LB - BTDT - I've said awful things too. In a way I feel like he earned every bit of my anger. He earned it. BUT I hate that I said these things - I am better than that. I hate that I allowed myself to remain in a situation for those feelings to even come to fruition. Sometimes I think WTH is WRONG with me that I would stay? It seems that any NORMAL person would leave before things had progressed that far. Have you thought about it that way? Would you allow anyone else in the world to treat you the way that he has? I know that I wouldn't.

You can't change the past, but you CAN change the future. If the hatred you feel stems that deeply, maybe it's time to remove that toxicity from your life. If he won't change, you don't have to tolerate it anymore. By you staying, you're allowing that hatred to fester and explode.

I feel bad too - I felt like I was better than that than to stoop to his level. But I am sure that MANY of us have. ease up on yourself. He earned those feelings - right or wrong. BUT you need to forgive yourself and move past it. Hugs to you girl. I KNOW where you're at and what you're thinking...you're not alone.

[devastated]

Take a deep breath now. Breath deep.

Don't be so hard on yourself 'cause you're only human, and humans can only take so much stress before we explode.

It's okay to be angry. If you kept it all in, you would be worse off.

One day you'll find you will be able to handle this not with anger, but with love. It takes a while, believe me, but it will happen. I didn't believe it when Ann told me, but it did finally happen.

So, hang in there and remember you're only human and are allowed to blow up too. Put this behind you and move forward.

One day my son called me and told me he had good news! Talk about hateful, you know what I said to him??? I said, "the only good news you could give me right now is you found your biological parents and they want you back!" Woops, rented lips! His reply was "no, the news isn't that good!"

From one human to another.....it's ok!

Hugs, Devastated

[greeteachday]

I agree that it is really and truly okay to forgive yourself. Unfortunately when all the anger and fear and resentment builds up it is bound to explode and yes, we are human and say things we don't really mean. I'm sure your loved one has many things he wishes he had not said or done...

I found the start to forgiving myself was to get honest. I told my addict that I said things I regretted and did not mean out of fear and hurt and anger, and I was sorry. It helped me to find compassion by realizing that I was getting as sick as my addict and I regretted my behavior, just as I realized my daughter regretted her's. I could not control her addiction, but I could work to start healing myself so I could change my behaviors, actions and reactions.

Sending gentle hugs. I'm sorry you are in such pain.

[mooselips]

(((Littlebird)))
We all get to make mistakes...it's part of being human. Heaven knows I've said quite a few zingers that I'd like to take back. And they were said in the heat of anger at addiction.

You're going to be okay, forgive yourself, you're not alone.


Hugs....

[marle]

I not only told my daughter that I wish that she would die and get it over with, I also prayed for it. I KNOW I said and felt those things out of fear. At one of the family days at my daughter's rehab the loved ones of the addict got to sit inside a circle with their loved ones behind them and we were asked what it feels like to love an addict. There were plenty of tears and I shared my feelings about wanting my daughter to die. The gentleman that was leading the group asked me how that made me feel and I said it made me feel guilty. He understood as did my daughter that day. Since then I have let go of the guilt. It serves no purpose to keep feeling guilty. So find a way to let it go. As others have said you are human and as such you will do and say things that you really don't mean. Progress not perfection. Hugs, Marle