so numb....

[fndngserenity]

I am so numb right now. I am losing my friends because of this addiction. Because they see how entangled in "his" addiction I am and they no they can't help me....just like i can't help him.
sunday he told me he wasn't going to drink because it led to hiim buying pills. but at four oclock he texts me and says hes at the bar, "but just drinking beer" that must be okay to just drink beer i guess.
i am seeing so clear now and i don't like what i see. he is never going to change. this hurts so much. i feel like it is a no win situation for me if he doesn't change. i leave and am devastated and worried about him all the time, wanting the love we share. he goes back to using and i worry like hell or he commits suicide and i am so devastated beyond repair and i will carry that pain forever.
there is only pain.
i am so filled up with sadness but it just wont come out. i feel numb. i can hardly even type. my friends have backed away because they don't know how to help me and they know i have to go through this. they are smarter than me i guess.
i cant wait for my appt on thursday. i wish i could go daily. i need help. im afraid he's going to take me down with him. i cant do this, it hurts too much.

[BayAreaPhoenix]

(((FndSerenity)))

Hang in there, sounds like Thursday is meeting day or therapy day? In the meantime, sending you good thoughts.

He has to help himself and YOU have to help YOURSELF! You can do it. It is overwhelming at times, but baby steps are better than no steps. Each and every little, or big, step is a step in the right direction towards a happier and healthier life. Focus on that.

(((hugs)))

[Troubledone]

fndgserenity

So sorry to hear you are in such pain. It does sound, though, that you are seeing things more clearly, even if it hurts and that is a really good thing.

It won't hurt forever and the first wave is always the hardest.

If you are waiting for a meeting or therapist session, you might want to visit a site that helped me a lot. it's Coping.org, Tools for coping with life's stressors

Prayers for your peace and serenity. You are doing the right thing by working towards detachment. Please also remember to be very kind to yourself, get some sleep, take a bath, make yourself some tea, or whatever will nurture you.

Being where you are at is like being in a terrible accident - so take care of yourself the same way.

God bless

[Abundance]

FS ---- (((hugs)))

I understand about the friend thing. I have a very select few that I talk about it with - but I keep it minimal. Also - with my friends, I like to separate from it... it's an escape.

Being so caught up and deep in it... like an "empath" .... taking on his feelings and pain as if they are your own.... is where to start. That is how I am at least. I have that "gift".... and I bet a lot of codies do. I feel, also, that his addiction acts as a host for my depression. Or - that it feeds off of it. It just goes in circles. When he is happy - I'm cautiously happy ...... and when he is sad or hurting.... so am I. I use visualization as a tool to help me in hard times when I'm feeling so caught up in what he is doing or feeling. I visualize myself stepping out of his energy field. Are you able to do that?

Write some things out on here that you enjoy doing for yourself. Are you still doing them? Do you tend to steer away when you are in the throws of how you are feeling? Lets see what things you can do that you can throw yourself into - as a default coping mechanism.

Thinking of you xoxoxo

[DrAJ]

Hi fndngserenity - I can so relate to what you are going through! My partner is a meth addict in recovery - well he is abstaining from meth, but lately has starting smoking weed and drinking - neither to excess, but he is clearly masking his crave for one drug with another. I too am now facing the fact that maybe my partner will never embrace true recovery and will always self-medicate with some drug or another. I have been to hell and back getting through the first phase of him withdrawing from meth (about 6 weeks ago), we have shared some great times, he has begun to "feel" again, but now I am protecting my heart again because I dont know if its going to be enough - just abstaining from meth.

I too am struggling with my friends. It is so hard for them to understand that I want ot stick around and help my addict through, when they witnessed and coached me through some truely traumatic experiences - police arrests, numerous suicide threats - you name it - there was no shortage of drama! Having your friends feel like you are making a big mistake is so destroying, it feels like I am now being talked about, and shut out because I believe they think I dont want their help. All I ask for is a non-judgemental ear to hear me out, not advice from those who really cant give it, but just a friendly ear. I feel I am loosing that and it hurts.

I so feel your pain! At the beginning phase of it all I too felt I couldn't wait for meetings, I needed help, to talk to someone etc right away! The thoughts in my mind were driving me crazy! I delt with this a number of times by ringing drug help lines - not always that helpful, but at least someone who could relate to.

I wish you all the best with your journey to help yourself, I am getting better, but I still have hard days, and even weeks where it all feels too much. Hnag in there, it will get better if you try and focus on you.

Best wishes,
AJ

[fndngserenity]

Thank you all so much, your words mean so much to me.

Abundance,
I do do that with him. If he is happy....I am happy. If he is down....I am down. I have found that I am usually down when I am not with him. (probably like and addict without drugs) And when we are not together, I go to a dangerous place in my mind. I find no joy in ANYTHING but only sadness and fear.

My substance abuse counseling appointments are going to be thursdays. I can't wait. I wish I could go more but I just can't escape from work. They are nice to let me go at all.

AJ,
It is hard losing things....especially friends. I find it hard to put on a front that I am okay. They just want me to be okay. I know how they feel. They just want to make it better and take my pain away as I do with John.
I feel this is a journey I need to take alone....and with the support from my counselor, NA and my friends here. I am beginning to realize that to save my friendships, I really need to try to seem like I am okay......for them. It is hard though, I am the kind of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve. I was at a closing last week and the attorney is a very good "acquaintance type friend". We don't hang out outside of work but he always knows somewhat of whats going on in my life. Well I was about to leave the closing and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back in and closed the door. He said.....what's going on? It's heartbreaking that it is that obvious. I am so upbeat, friendly and bubbly and to know that people don't see that anymore is saddening.

Troubledone,
Thank you for the link. I have saved it to my favorites and will be checking it out on my lunch break. It is hard to see that it won't hurt forever but I know you are right....it just feels like it will.

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs....I'm very lucky to have stumbled accidentally on this site....it has saved me so many times already.

My mother emailed me yesterday a very nice email to let me know that she would always be there for me. When I talked to her on the phone, she gave me something to walk away with....a little painful to think about but better than what I was thinking about.

John always calls me his angel and for so long, I believed I was. I really wanted to be the one who saved him and looked after him. But then Splendra made a good point one day. She said Angels do their job and then split.....is that you?

I told my Mom that's not what I wanted to be and she said this.....before you, John was in a really bad place. If he does give up and go with God.....remember what you gave him.......you gave him the most beautiful love and you helped him find the peace in that better place. It may not be the place you want him to go but just know how much he really needed your love at this time in his life.

If I think of it like that it is not as bad. It still hurts because I am selfish and I want him to stay here with me but if I try to drill that in my brain....maybe I can find some peace in it.

Well, have to get ready for work so thanks again!!!!

((((((everyone))))))!!!!!!!!!!

[fndngserenity]

Beatiful song and video. My pick of the day.

YouTube - Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be

Hugs

[Impurrfect]

(((FS)))

When I was with my first XABF (I had 3), I was so wrapped up in him, I lost several friends. One of them, I always hoped to get back in touch with, but she died and I never got the chance. I continued on, in my codie ways, for 20 more years.

I have regrets of friends I have lost along the way, opportunities I missed, and giving all my love to men who were not capable of giving it back.

I know we have to hit our bottoms in our own time, but I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[fndngserenity]

Thanks. I am really beginning to see that I am going through an addiction just like he is, only HE is my addiction and not drugs. I need to go through recovery just like he does if I want to beat this.
And I do want to beat this but I know it is going to take time. I know this journey is going to be pain, heartache and sadness but I know, just like for him......if I follow the road to recovery, there is a happy ending. I just have to remind myself of that.
He texted me this morning and said, "Just wanted to ask you to be patient with me the next couple weeks, I will have my days."
Sometimes though, he doesn't just come out and say things. Like where that came from. I told him I know and asked if he thought I wasn't being patient. He said, "You are, I just don't want you to feel not wanted or no love."
I don't question that he loves me.....that has never been it. I question whether or not he can beat this. If not....I will cherish the memories we had and the love that we brought to each other....I think that is the most I can do.
I will keep praying for him.
I have more strength today....for now anyways. I notice that I can go through a rollercoaster of emotions in one day. One might think I could be bi-polar, lol.
Thanks again impurrfect

Hugs

[Impurrfect]

((FS))

I don't doubt that my last XABF loves me, either. Problem is, I've found out loving isn't enough, and an A's love is way different than "normal" love.

I, too, was just as addicted to my XABF's, and for me, looking for some way to deal with the pain fueled MY eventual addiction.

Recovery from ANY addiction is hard work, but don't think it's all about heartbreak and misery. My life is SOOOO much better now that I'm not concentrating on a man or a drug. I can enjoy simple things in life, like my cats that are curled up next to me, or wildflowers growing on the side of the road.

Life goes on and when we learn to love ourselves more than someone/something else, we find a whole new world. It's not always great, but there are some pretty great things about it!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy