New here:partner of a meth addict

[DrAJ]

Hi guys,
I'm new here and after a bit of advice. About 6 weeks ago I kicked out my meth addicted partner - involving police etc..the works. Mainly to make him realise that I just couldn't cope with his use anymore - or even the initial detoxing he actually embarked on. It was just so emotionally taxing that I thought involving the police would have the desired effect. THankfully this was the kick up the butt my partner needed and has been off meth ever since.

The sobering up process has beenup and down but a few weeks agot hings were getting so much better! He started to "feel" again and started to feel the love again - which sparked a lot of emotion. We have had some good times together - spending a few weekends together (I have not let him move back in with me), which were fanatastic. The problem now is that I am not sure if I will fully trust him. I love him to bits - which is the reaosn I put in so much effort to provide love and support from afar while he chose to get clean. BUT, the trust issue is still there. He is proud of the fact that he has already been exposed to his mates that do it and has easily said no to it. Although this is good for his self esteem, it worries me to no end as I know MANY addicts wouldn't stand a chance if it were offered to them while recoverying. I know he hasn't relapsed - due to the dramatic changes in his demeanor, but I couldn't say for sure if he hasn't at least lapsed and had SOME during this time. This could completely be my lack of trust - and that is currently the trouble I face.

How can I approach this subject with my partner without him feeling deflated at my lack of trust? I could just carry on keeping our relationship at a slow pace and have patience, which is probably the angle I will take. I know this is my issue and that I need to focus on myself getting over this. I know that I will not go back to how htings were until I feel completely comfortable that he has kicked his habit...but I guess I also have to accept that it may happen again...the hardest part of all.....loving an addict...

Any suggestions? Anyone out there also dealing with partner who is a recovering addict?

[splendra]

Welcome! All I can say is time will tell. Go with your gut . I used to use meth years ago. Once I got off of it although I had a few thoughts about using I never have again. I was not in a relationship with anyone when I stopped using so I do not know what to tell you about being in a relationship with someone who is recovering.

I do think it would be understandable for you to want to protect your heart. Nobody in there right mind would want to be with someone who is an active addict and since relapse is a very real possibility who could blame you for wanting to stand back and honestly assess what you want?

[marle]

Welcome to SR. What helps me to stay out of my daughter's recovery is to remember that I am powerless over her addiction. Nothing I say or do will make a difference if she really wants to use again. That is her struggle. My struggle is taking care of me and making sure that I come here daily and attend my own meetings. Staying busy helps to keep my focus where it belongs--on me. I do believe that you will know if he is using again. Those addict behaviors are hard to ignore. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have some good boundaries in place. Hugs, Marle

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict, and one of the first things I learned in recovery was that I had to earn trust back from my family, it was not going to be just given to me. It was only through consistent action, on my part, that I have regained complete trust.

I would be honest with him....tell him you don't trust him. Tell him what your boundaries are, and stick to them.

It sounds like you are doing a good job of taking care of you, so keep it up, because that's the most important part.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[outtolunch]

Is there a difference between relapse and a lapse?

I think it substantially more challenging to stay clean if one continues to associate with addicts.

Pay attenion to his actions, not his words.

[hope213]

welcome, there is good advise ahead of me so i will just say keep coming back. there is a lot of info here for you. it works if you work it. there is nothing you can do for him. prayers for you & him both.

[Done-With-It]

He is proud of the fact that he has already been exposed to his mates that do it and has easily said no to it

That was also my big red flag like Outtolunch mentioned. I was addicted to meth.
It is soo hard to stay off of but very doable. For me, I would not be okay with being
around anyone who used meth. I honestly find it hard to believe that he found it
"easy" to just say no. I've said no many times since I have been clean and maybe for
him he easily said no, but that would be one of the first times I've heard a meth user
turn it down so easily. Kicking meth takes a lot of hard work.

I think the most important part is to take care of you, and keep healthy boundaries.
Time will tell, it always does what route he is going to take.

JMO~

[DrAJ]

Thanks for your responses. I am really trying to be positive right now and believe and trust in myself that I will learn to trust my partner again.
The signs are there that he is clean, and there are no signs of re-use, its just that I am now wondering if I will get through the lack of trust part. I am guessing there is a chance that he will be offended if I dont trust him, as he probably believes that because he is clean things will now go back to "normal". I dont want to crush him, but I also dont want him to think things are fine with me. This is my problem though, I am just learning how I can start to trust again. The fear of it all happening again is just so scary!

To answer the lapse versus relapse question: a lapse is where someone in recovery slips up and uses only to realise the mistake (quickly) and return to the recovery path. A relapse is slipping up and staying slipped up until their habit is just as bad as it was before - perhaps triggering a major bender - they tend to admit defeat and give up on recovery (at least for an extended amount of time).

Again, thanks for the words of advice - I too think its dodgy that my partner mixes with users - none of them are major addicts like he is/was, but still, its available if the temptation is there. This I think, is where my lack of trust surfaces. How can so many addicts say that mixing with users is dangerous when in recovery and my partner says he can "easily" say no. May be he has said no, but the way I see it is that oneday he might just give in. I dont want to be around if this happens. That is the source of my fears.

Thanks for your time,
AJ

[dogged]

its not easy for them to give it up,,not to say that they cant..they can if they choose to, but you dont do something for many years and all of a sudden say its easy...thier is more to recovery than just from them to stop using the drug..thier is the behaviroal modification...thier is a reason why they choose to use drugs to escape from life..those are the underlying causes..i would be leary if my partner said it was easy to stop and is hanging out with others who do it still....red flag.....
i could be wrong but i think thier is major diffeences in ones addiction..like for me im addicted to cig, i work with many who smoke but they are casual smokers..just smoke at work or if they are having a beer. many of them have quit easily..for me its more of a struggle, for one thing ive been doing it for over 20 yrs where they didnt even try it til they were in thier twenties.. i think it all depends on how ld a person is when they start and if thier is a family history of alcoholism drugs..etc... predisposition, not to say that they still cant stop..they can, but i ve often wondered myself why its easie for some to quit than others..