I'm back... and my sister is back tomorrow.

[ihatethis]

Some of you may have read my last thread, my sister attempted suicide in late July and then came to stay with me. She was supposed to stay for 2 weeks, but stayed for 7. Now she's back to work and staying with me Friday Saturday and Sunday nights and she is back tomorrow. She had a second attempt while with me after her AH called and talked about meeting a woman. Anyway, long story short I decided to make an appointment with a therapist just because I wasn't sure how I was handling this. I don't get upset or cry, I just go numb. My session ended half an hour ago and I'm posting. You won't believe the book she recommended... Co-Dependent No More. Funny how that book keeps coming up in my life. I told her I owed it but only read the first couple chapters. I had bought it because of the addict in my life, but thought I only had the one. Once I started I realized I had a couple more and it disturbed me, so I haven't picked it up since. (Ironically I don't give a s**t about my addict right now.... I've detached but not with love.) She also recommended that I write a letter I don't send. Cliche's are chiches for a reason, right? They work. So I'm going to see if I can do that.

As I started talking I thought my reasons were guilt. Guilt for handling it well. Guilt for not Form 1'ing her (for you south of the border, that's a 72 hour psyhciatric evaluation that isn't the patients idea). But the more I talked the more I realized I was angry. I feel manipulated. She knows how to kill herself if she wants to. And slitting your wrist width wise isn't it... she's told me herself of a better method (I won't post that cause you never know how sad someone is while reading). And the second attempt she took pills, but again, years ago she told me of a better method than the one she used. So that leaves me thinging, if she didn't want to kill herself, what was the motivation? Was she manipulating her AH, me... who? why? I'm mad but not in the way I am usually mad. This one just leaves me tired. I'm losing my train of thought, but my point is I am back, and those of you that PM'd me... THANK YOU! thank you for reading and caring if I was okay or not. I appreciate it more than you know.


Amy

P.S. She does seem better right now and I hope it lasts for a while at least. Also, my 17 year old cousin who has an alcohlic mother, and alcoholic and drug abusing step father called me crying and asked if he could come live with me. So he's moving in on Monday and I'm registering him in highschool here. His family is 5 hours away, so I'm it. Being responsible really sucks ass sometimes.

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by ihatethis

So that leaves me thinging, if she didn't want to kill herself, what was the motivation? Was she manipulating her AH, me... who? why?

Many a girl (and boy) has died trying to say something with their body that no one ever heard.


Many of us use our body to convey the word we don't know how to speak.

[Troubledone]

Suicide attempts are hard to read. I have a foster niece that regularly threatened. She never cut herself but she took pills. Of course, after having her stomach pumped once, she quit manipulating my sister that way.

Please do read the book your therapist suggested. I remember feeling much like you do about that book at one point. It took years of therapy and books, etc. before I started feeling at peace with detachment (and I still struggle with it now).

One thing I've learned recently is that social workers, childrens services and other government agencies are often much better equipped to handle addicts and other family issues than a single individual. You may want to check out some options for your family members. Of course, it helps if you are ready to let go.

Another thing I've figured out is that when I numb-out, I'm in trouble. Usually it means I am in an unsustainable situation and anything that's not sustainable will eventually drag me down.

I pray that you can set the boundaries you need to. I do understand wanting to help family, I've been dealing with many siblings (I'm one of 12 children) who have issues. And at the same time, I've found out that there are options out there if I do the reasearch - options that free me.

Also, I know a really great web site called Coping.org, Tools for coping with life's stressors that has a lot of tools that can help with anger, detachment, etc.

Prayers that you find the answers that will free you.

[greeteachday]

Sending hugs and lots of good thoughts and prayers for you and your sister. When my life became super unmanagable, I thought i was managing fairly well given the circumstances. It wasn't til I started working on and taking care of myself a bit, that I realized I was just plain numb. The "defrost" part gets a little hairy as feelings come back, but it is a good path to a better palce.

[ihatethis]

Originally Posted by Done-With-It

Many a girl (and boy) has died trying to say something with their body that no one ever heard.


Many of us use our body to convey the word we don't know how to speak.

I hope you don't feel I'm not without empathy for her plight. I've dedicated most of my life to it. My post was that I had finally seen that I had anger surrounding it. That was new for me. And I don't feel it was that unhealthy. I cannot pretend to understand cutting. I don't do it, I've never wanted to, so who am I to say give it up and give it up now. (I do know that her wrist was not a cutting episode, but cutting has played a part in her life and my relationship with her, so that is why I bring it up.)

It is hard for me to understand. Hard for me to ignore. Hard for me to deal with. Hard for me to bring up. Hard for me to have any feelings surrounding, because it's about her, not me. Everything is. Everything. I'm just frustrated. And that sprouts from a mind not being able to express itself effectively. She'll be here in about 45 minutes, and we'll be happy to see eath other and have a great time. I think this isn't the place to post these things. I just needed to get it out. I'm sorry. I think I came off all wrong.

I am trying. Honest.

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by ihatethis

I hope you don't feel I'm not without empathy for her plight. I've dedicated most of my life to it. My post was that I had finally seen that I had anger surrounding it. That was new for me. And I don't feel it was that unhealthy. I cannot pretend to understand cutting. I don't do it, I've never wanted to, so who am I to say give it up and give it up now. (I do know that her wrist was not a cutting episode, but cutting has played a part in her life and my relationship with her, so that is why I bring it up.)

It is hard for me to understand. Hard for me to ignore. Hard for me to deal with. Hard for me to bring up. Hard for me to have any feelings surrounding, because it's about her, not me. Everything is. Everything. I'm just frustrated. And that sprouts from a mind not being able to express itself effectively. She'll be here in about 45 minutes, and we'll be happy to see eath other and have a great time. I think this isn't the place to post these things. I just needed to get it out. I'm sorry. I think I came off all wrong.

I am trying. Honest.

You know I don't remember if I ever wrote you back to the first pm you send me, I know I did after that, but I feel like an idiot now. I don't think I did.
I'm sorry.
I also thought about this post late last night in bed, (I stress alot about things I say, lol) that you may take this post that I meant it like this or another way.
I meant it in a totally different way. I think you are justified in every feeling that you have, anger at her included. You are doing nothing wrong, and in many ways neither is she, doesn't mean that it is not maddening to you both.

What I meant was that the cutter, self harmer, etc. is going to some day, some how, going to HAVE TO learn to USE THEIR VOICE, and what I meant is that it IS up to us (the self harmer) to figure out how to do that.
For myself for so long, I used to do horrible things to myself because I did not know how to express the pain I was feeling and I thought that someone would figure it out if I hurt myself. Eventually I came to learn that the only way I could heal was to talk, to yell to scream, to cry, to make mistakes, etc. Cutting, hurting myself doesn't help.
So yea is a way it is a form of manipulation, if I hurt myself she will know I am hurting then she will help me.
That is what I meant.

I was strickly talking about her, and her methods....
What she is doing and how it affects you.
I did the same thing to my family in many ways.
I know how much you love her and how hard you are trying, I'm sorry if that came across wrong....
I think you are a saint to your sister..

I think this isn't the place to post these things.

Please don't think that...

and honestly you help me a lot, I forget how much it hurts
my family when I hurt myself like that. It is still hard to not
want to hurt myself sometimes, as it is my first/second nature.

[ihatethis]

Done... there is nothing at all wrong with what you've said. Nothing at all. I have nothing but kind thoughts for you. For myself however.... I just didn't want any of you to think I was being selfish for thinking about how this was effecting me. I'm not the point in this. I have always had the bad habit of putting thoughts out there, weither I believe them or not, and putting them together while they're outside of me. I just feel like no matter what I do, no matter how logically I think, I still do the wrong thing. I'll do my best to work on it. I don't know where to go with this. But I have an appointment next Wednesday at 5. And since I'm finally bawling while I type... it's probably a good thing.

I do feel bad. I came here because of a stupid addict man... that I love, but he loves drugs more. But I'll admit that I got connect to many of you and so I thought to post here. However many are dealing with addict lovers, sisters, brothers, children and this is way off topic. I just don't know where else to go. So here I am.

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by ihatethis

Done... there is nothing at all wrong with what you've said. Nothing at all. I have nothing but kind thoughts for you. For myself however.... I just didn't want any of you to think I was being selfish for thinking about how this was effecting me. I'm not the point in this. I have always had the bad habit of putting thoughts out there, weither I believe them or not, and putting them together while they're outside of me. I just feel like no matter what I do, no matter how logically I think, I still do the wrong thing. I'll do my best to work on it. I don't know where to go with this. But I have an appointment next Wednesday at 5. And since I'm finally bawling while I type... it's probably a good thing.

I do feel bad. I came here because of a stupid addict man... that I love, but he loves drugs more. But I'll admit that I got connect to many of you and so I thought to post here. However many are dealing with addict lovers, sisters, brothers, children and this is way off topic. I just don't know where else to go. So here I am.

Sweetie addiction is addiction.. The person who is addicted to hurting themselves, starving themselves etc. can hurt the family and friends just as much as someone addicted to drugs. I know for me, in many ways kicking meth was a piece of cake compared to my ED and to my cutting.
I am 99% sure about never doing meth again. My ED and cutting are a weekly battle. Addiction is addiction. I know how bad I hurt my parents, family and friends, I only wish they especially my Mom would have had a place like this to turn to because I about drove her to the brink.

I still do the wrong thing.

I hope you learn to give yourself a break. Perfectionism was a trait I had and still have to learn to break. Human are not made to be perfect.
That is what makes us who we are. Give yourself a break and ask yourself what you ARE doing right instead of beating yourself up for what you are doing wrong all the time. Write down three things a day that you did good.
Seriously my therapist used to make me do that, no my whole group did, and it changed me a lot.

Thinking about yourself is NOT selfish, we have feelings, being numb, not feeling, makes us sick. Secrets keep us sick. So keep talking....
okay I'm really going now, i'm really late. lol