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Old 09-06-2008, 07:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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my boyfriend is a crack addict

my boyfriend is addicted to crack, we've been through it all. i know a lot of you have had the same experiences. does anyone have any tips for one to help me cope, stay strong, and how to help him. the first step has been achieved he does want help, he wants to be sober, and do good...and i honestly believe him. he's 26, and has been battling drug addiction since he was like 15, his mother used when he was growing up, she's better now, but he grew up around it and with a mother that neglected him, cheated on his father, beat him, and showed him an awful image of life, and the way it is supposed to be lived. he doesn't know happiness, what it is, or that it can happen to him. he doesn't believe that i love him most of the time, he thinks that i cheat on him almost all of the time unless i'm with him, and he does good w/o using for about 3 or 4 weeks and then bam on friday which is payday of course and he gets that money he can't control it. i work most fridays, okay almost all fridays, i'm a manager in fast food so i can't really get off that day to babysit him or anything. all the other fridays he brings me his money, i keep it in my savings and give it to him as needed, he knows he can't have money, he craves it more when he has it, but that program works only if he can stay strong enough long enough to bring me his money while i'm at work. on fridays i know if i can't get in touch with him by like 6 then i know whats happening, i start feeling sick to my stomach with fear, i'm overcome with a helpless feeling that i know what is happening but i can't do anything about it, i can't leave work, i can't even get him to answer the phone or call me back. he always admits to it, he never lies about it...so i guess thats better than him hiding it and making up lies about where his money went, but still...he's still addicted to crack. it puts a very big strain on our relationship, i feel like if he loved me he wouldn't do it although now that i'm researching it and getting a better understanding i know its a very powerful addiction..and it really has nothing to do with me...but its hard. if you have any advice it is welcome.

thanks,

alli
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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((((alli)))))

I am sorry you are going thru this. I have 4 crack addicts(my H, 2 brothers and a sister) in my life and I have never found anything that helped any of them stay clean.

I know that sick feeling Xs 4.

I can be more detached about my siblings because I do not live with them. It is my H that it is hardest to do what is right for me because we are in the same space.

I have tried controlling his money and spending and it just doesn't work for me because he always seems to talk me out of it by guilting me and other tactics.

I don't have anymore time for his addiction or my siblings either I have heard every lie in the book.

What I have learned by trying to control his money and spending is that it keeps him from taking responsibility for himself. If he can't control himself that is his problem not mine. If he wants to get clean he will make his own efforts that don't involve me. All my involvement in trying to get him clean has just made me end up on the short end of the stick and I want to be in a better position than that.

Take care of yourself keep the focus on what you need to do for yourself to make your life good. If he really wants to get clean he won't be expecting you to control what he does.

Addicts are notorious for setting up someone else to take responsibility for them... don't fall for it. He is going to do what he wants no matter what you do believe that much please.
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks for the advice, but i'm really not gonna stop trying to help him. if he wants help, and im gonna stay w/ him then its my fight too.
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the circumstances.

I was the best at taking control of my exh's money, it didn't matter though, if he manged to get his hands on some, then it was my fault, I should have been more diligent, I should have done this or that. I was set up as the fall guy for his failures. It played havoc on my own life.

I had a hard time comming to grips with the fact that I COULD NOT help him. Everything that I was doing for him in the form of help, was actually helping him to NOT go into recovery. As some of the wise people on this board say, you can enable them right into a grave. Helping, is not helping, it is hurting.

What you can do is read, read, read and then read some more. Educate yourself on what enabling is, find some meetings to go to for friend and family. Keep comming here, and you will see yourself over and over, and you will see recovery for us.

Will that make him stop? Will that help him? No and maybe. Breaking the cycle of enabling can help him stop. More importantly, it can help you.

Sending Big Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You are both adults. If you are capable of handling yourself, then so is he. Addiction is more powerful than you are and that is why it is absolutely necessary to let go and let his HP have him. Trying to police him and stop him from using is absolutely futile and the person who will end up hurt the most will be you. I know that you have to learn this the hard way as I did too with my daughter, who is my addict. She got help only when she was ready and until then I had to let her go. Not easy but necessary. Stick around and read the stickies at the top and other people's stories. You will see how amazingly similar they all are. Hugs and welcome, Marle
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm a recovering crack addict. I do understand that you love him and want to help him, but I can promise you...the best way to help him is to let him be accountable for his own actions.

Yes, money is a trigger, but I could look at almost ANYTHING as a trigger when I was using...feeling good? smoke crack. Feeling bad? smoke crack. Got money? smoke crack. Someone getting on my nerves? smoke crack.....get the picture?

Some people can do better, initially, by having someone control their money, but I haven't seen this work for long. Resentments build on both sides.

I left my XABF because he was still using, so I know both sides of the fence. You may think this is you're fight, too, but you will learn it is a losing battle. Most of us only learn this the hard way.

I do totally agree with supporting someone in recovery, and they're actions show recovery. But as long as someone can use, even occasionally, and still have a nice, soft place to land, they usually have no incentive to get clean.

FWIW I got clean for quite a while, but did not deal with my addictive thinking or behaviours. Then I used "occasionally"..maybe once a month for a while, but then wanted it more frequently. Got clean again. Then I relapsed for only 8 days, but it was long enough to lose almost everything, including my life.

There are some wonderful people here, and when they tell you to focus on you, they are so right.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Have you been to NARANON?? I juat started going....my bf is a recovering heroin addict. The meetings will help you cope...good luck!!!

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Old 09-07-2008, 11:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Using crack is only a symptom of the problem.

Abstinence only is not recovery.

The problem wasn't quitting for me; it was staying quit.

Till I reached out and admitted I was powerless over my addiction, I couldn't even make a beginning on changing my life.

My parents 'helped' too and they almost loved me to death.

I now have 2 addicted daughters, and the best help I can be to them is allow them to walk their own paths while I take care of my own recovery from addictions/codependency.
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Old 09-07-2008, 02:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I understand where you are coming from, my addict is/was my son. We are taught at a young age that to love someone is to do whatever we can to help them overcome the obstacles in their lives and to insure that they have what THEY need to be healthy and happy.

What I have learned in dealing with my RAS is that in this instance in his life the only way I could help him was to let him go it on his own. I was loving him to death. I was the one that kept him from facing his addiction by taking over his bills, taking over his free time, and doing what was neccessary for him to live(ie food,clothing,money). When I allowed him to start doing all these things for himself, he realized where his life was headed, he went out and got himself into treatment and is now 120 days sober. He did this all on his own, but it took me loving him enough to let go of my addiction to helping him, for him to seek help for himself. Sometimes, IHMO, the only way they can get beyond this demon is for us to allow them to come face to face with the devil and get the tools to fight back. If we stand between them we are the ones that take the hits and they don't have to face reality or the devil.

In order for you to help him, you need to seek help for yourself. When I say to let him start taking responsiblity for himself, that doesn't mean you need to abandon him, I am still my sons biggest and most vocal supporter(now that he is in recovery), it just means that you are allowing him to be the adult he is and to make his own decisions. It is very tough for us codies to let go of the control and turn it over to a higher power, but for their sakes it has to be done.

Hope this helps
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi I am a recovering crack addict as well and I know many other crack users. Some recovering, some not. Some saying they want to quit and some are committed to being crackheads for the rest of their lives.

The ONLY way to help a crack addict is to get out of the way and let them hit bottom. Don't enable. Don't support their addiction. Don't give them money. Don't try to regulate their drug useage. Don't protect them when they make mistakes. Don't listen and accept their lies. Protect yourself. Protect your things. Don't be a doormat. Just get out of the way and let them fall as far and as hard as they need to.

It's so hard. But a crack addict has to do the work for recovery on their own. If they don't accept responsibility, well then they never will. Nothing we do or say can help them.

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to addiction. You don't just "WANT" to get better. You have to take steps. You have to work at it for the rest of your life.

Anyway, that's the scoop on crack addiction.

Keep posting, reading and working on yourself. Don't let his addiction become your addiction...
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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My husband is in inpatient for crack right now. We have been together for a little over three years. He has been a crack addict for 18 years and an alcoholic for 29 years. He is only 39 years old. He has wanted to be clean the whole time we have been together, and perhaps even longer than that. But as long as he thought he could do it on his own (having me control his money, tried outpatient with my help to get there, etc.) he didn't get anywhere but more frustrated with himself.

He finally decided (completely on his own) that he needed inpatient treatment (outside help from professionals) to recover. He's been clean now for 17 days. He says that the fog is just starting to lift and he has realized that he didn't get it when he went to AA/NA in the past, and he didn't get it when he went to outpatient treatment. But now he finally gets it. He said if he takes just one drink he will be right back where he started or worse. He said he realizes now he will have to work on his recovery every day for the rest of his life.

The most important thing is that he had to get here on his own without any help whatsoever from me. And this is still no guarantee that he will stay clean once he gets out. But everyone is right. The only thing you can do is be supportive. If he comes to you and says he wants to quit, suggest treatment. Have the phone book ready, maybe even some places he can call.

But until he reaches that point, start focusing on you and what you want and what you need and what you feel without thinking of him. Read the book "Codenpendent No More" by Melodie Beatty.
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