Having a hard time!

Old 09-02-2008, 08:14 AM
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Having a hard time!

Back again and I see a few others are too. I'm having a real tough time with detaching with "love" again. Thought I had it somewhat mastered but was I ever wrong.

Does anyone else find that the only way they can detach is with complete avoidance? That is the only way I seem to be able to keep myself sane. I have layed down boundary after boundary and my AD could care less so it's better not to even see her or talk to her which is hard with the grandkids. I find myself not even answering the phone half the time but even the sound of her voice on the answering machine nauseates me. I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or even being in the same area with her. Tried quite a few times this year and she won't let things be. Snide remarks, trying to goad me into a fight (which I fell for a couple times). She tried the not letting the grandkids see me which I knew would fail within a week.

But, she actually makes me sick to my stomach and I feel horrible cause I'm her mother. I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I do love her, but I sometimes wonder, if she did by some miracle, go to rehab and make an effort if I'd even want contact with her then. I just don't care.
She was always a high-maintenance child, even before drugs. From the time she learned to walk and talk everyday was a chore and just about every family member and friend just couldn't take her attitude anymore (and this was when she was still a toddler). I started her in counseling, spent thousands of dollars all to no avail and she found drugs was the answer to everything. Out of my hands.

I know the three C's backwards and forwards and I do believe in them. I go about my day confident in the fact of knowing I didn't cause, I can't cure it, and I can't control it, I just wish she'd leave me alone.

Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:51 AM
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(((Baxter)))
As is said here often...love the child hate the addict.
You haven't seen the "child" in a long time, its not wonder you see and hear and feel the addict when you even think of your daughter.

I vote detach, completly, if thats what you need to get back on track.
Its not mean, and its not un-motherly. It may be the only way to ever hope to have a relationship with her down the road.

Your not a bad mom, Baxter
((((Hugs)))
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:54 AM
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You don't sound like a bad mother at all, just the opposite. Your just fed-up. Sounds like she has sucked the life out of you and you have no more left to give. Your HUMAN, not SUPERHUMAN.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:30 AM
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I have friends I love dearly who drive me crazy sometimes and I avoid them when they become too much to handle. I stopped all communication with my sister two years ago because she has issues she likes to dump on everyone around her. I've left the door open because who knows what the future will bring, but for now, it's madness I avoid for my own sanity.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:36 AM
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Hi baxter, I know we all feel the pain your living with. When my son choose to have drugs in his life it just about killed me. I fight with that every day. It seems to be easier to just push them away and have no contact. Thats our fighting mechamism to stay in a sane world. Not being able to control is what has been hard for me. This site along with counciling and alanon has taught me so much. If not seeing or talking to your daughter will help you to find some serenity then thats what you must do. We all handle our heartache differently but we do agree that we have to put ourselves first now. It's a loosing battle with their addicted minds and we can only pray that someday we will see the real person behind the addiction again. I feel as you do~~if my son returns to his addiction again and I'm aware of it~~~I will seperate myself from him and only be there when recovery starts.... Big hugs, Bonnie
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Old 09-02-2008, 02:55 PM
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Yeah baby, I have felt the same way. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have my son as well. Those words are even hard to write. He has put me through so much, it's almost like he has no real compassion towards me. Someone once said on here that my son loves me so much but he'd sell my organs in a heartbeat.
There are good times still. But the longer this stuff goes on (4 years and counting) the easier it is to detach, to walk away and let him deal with the mess he has created.
Thanks for the honesty, baxter. It is refreshing.
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:09 AM
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This is my first time posting but after reading the entries in this thread I felt that I had to respond. I too have a daughter that is involved with drugs. She is now 17 and is in the process of destroying everything in her life that she can -school, sports, friends, family.... I have had her in and out of counseling her entire life and spent thousands of dollars on doctors, counselors, medications. It seems that the last 17 years of my life have been spent trying to make sure something like this doesn't happen and it happened anyways. There have been many times in the last year that I have silently wished that I had never had that third child. My life would be so easy and I would not be caught up in this constant struggle to stop her from ruining her life. But the guilt of even thinking that is tough. I look at other kids her age and I'm racked with jealousy that she can't just be like them. I can't stomach being around other parents that talk about their kids' accomplishments and plans for the future when I just hope that my daughter goes to school that day or comes home that night.

I know that I need help dealing with this - I can finally now admit it. I've started counseling.
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:20 AM
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When she calls I just feel myself tense up. When I don't hear from her I feel impending doom hanging over me. Can't bring myself to look at pictures of her as a child cause all it does is make me cry. I love who she was not who she has became. Sad thing is I sometimes think she really believes she normal.
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Old 09-07-2008, 05:37 AM
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Dear Baxter, No you are not a bad parent, just a worn out, tired one. At this time in my life I should be abel to more or less do what I want & enjoy my grandchildren. Instead I haven't seen my AS's children in almost 3 yrs because she went to court to sever his parental rights & they were adopted by another man. Then my younger son is a single parent with 2 boys, ages 7 & 4 & my hubby & I are helping him raise them & I see them way too much. Not that I don't love them with all my heart but we never planned to be babysitting almost everyday.
I am so hurt by what my AS has done to his life that ultimately has now affected my life in such a negative way. To never be abel to see my 2 grandsons because of his addiction is a bitter pill to swallow.
So believe me you are far from alone in the way you feel about your daughter.
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:55 AM
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Baxter,
I don't think your a bad mom either. Look here, what these kids have done to themselves is horrible but in the process they have wrecked all our hopes and dreams for them. They have turned our world upside down in one swift kick. We are feeling guilt, we are feeling responsible no matter what we read...somehow we did something to add to this. We have been lied to, stolen from,jewerly stolen,cash gone. And maybe some have has worse maybe some haven't had worse. But having a family member on drugs is no easy task for anyone.
I think as a grown adult I have been through some horrible things in my time, but this drug addiction has been the worst, the most hurtful, the most unanswered, unsolveable rotten problem I think I have ever faced.
There are days I hate her, there are day I hate me, there are days I hate every drug realted person I see on TV and wish I could take an oozie (spelled) machine gun and shoot them all with their drugs. Did I ever think in my wildest dreams one day my daughters would ever be connected to this?

I am sure Baxter you have felt the same way, we all have felt the anger, the hatred, the frustration, the never ending hurt inside. How can you even think about feeling like your a bad or horrible mom because your feeling bitter now. I love my AD but I have hated her, resented her,along the way for all the mess that is in my life now. You also didn't need this now or ever, none of us did. This was a gift none of us deserved but we got it.
We can't treat this like having a rotten BF in our life and just walk away. No, this is a family member , a husband, a child, a mom. And we have spent a life time loving them and looking out for them.
All anyone has to do here is read the stickie above "What An Addict Does" to see what hurt we endure from them because it is an illness. It still hurts and rips us apart and when we have days that we resent them and what they do to us it is ok. We are not God, we are human (remember)........
So don't feel so guilty.....((((hugs)))))
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Old 09-08-2008, 07:12 AM
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Hi baxter,

Just wanted to add my two cents along with everyone elses. You are NOT a bad mother.

My advice for anyone is "Don't ever get married, don't ever have kids." I picked the wrong man to marry and had two kids with him. We eventually divorced and I was left raising our kids except for his meddling when it didn't help. My oldest (son) is the addict and my second (daughter) is a head strong, know it all, who is always right. I've always gotten along well w/my son, but he makes my heart hurt - he is super sensitive. My daughter, who I currently live with, has been a struggle to get along with since the day she was born (so I know how you have struggled.)

I fantasize about running away from home - shouldn't that be the kids??? And hope to one day be on my own. (My daughter just started a 2 yr. nursing program. I hope we'll both go our own directions after she graduates.) Anyway . . . you are not a bad mother. Take care of yourself as best you can.
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:29 AM
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You are NOT a bad mother. I think that you're at the point where you feel that is telling, though. I suppose if I were in the situation I would detach completely, at least until I had gotten confident in what life was like without her and then I would have a status quo to make her live up to.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:03 AM
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Thank you all. I hate going through this and some of the things I have thought of my AD would make your hair curl and while it's a comfort to know others are struggling too it makes to sad to see so many of us.

I guess the resentment and anger I feel of all I have done to try and not reach this point is what gets to me and I try to bury it instead of letting it go. Years ago my AD, as a teenager, had made a soso attempt at suicide. All the drama that followed after was unbelievable. I walked on eggshells for so long and my other kids we're resenting her for it. I mentioned to a counsellor once that I felt at times that I wished she had succeeded so we could all get some rest from this and how horrible I felt for even thinking that. She gave me comfort in saying it was a normal reaction to the stress we were all under. I still feel enormous guilt for feeling that way but at times I just can't cope.

Thank you all for understanding. You don't know how much you help.
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by baxter View Post
Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.
Well heck! If you're a terrible mother, then I must be a "dreadful" mother! (I've been called worse...LOL)

In my honest opinion, if avoidance works for you, then avoid.
It's VERY hard to let our children know they have their own journey to travel ALONE, without our help or interference.

There ARE things you can discuss without ever touching on the idea of addiction, or behavior. But, if you feel she is just getting your goat, every time you speak to her, then use your avoidance method. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact I use it a bit myself, by not answering the phone all the time, or conveniently being "away" when AS wants to come over to visit. (I know...dreadful...ha ha)

As for the grandkids, perhaps just a call that you are on your way to pick them up for a hour or so to go to the park or some other activity?

I be thinking when you have grandkids, it's really hard to completely detach...

As for detachment, you ARE using detachment by not involving yourself in her daily affairs.

Hugs, and happy thoughts...
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