Need help talking to brother

[PrimalScreamer]

I am a recovering addict with over 5 years clean. I have an 18 yr old brother who is doing drugs. He was arrested last year for assault and spent some time in jail before they allowed him to be bonded out. He is still awaiting trial, so if he gets caught doing drugs it's even worse than before. I've talked to him befor about it and he knows most of my story. After I found out he was continuing to do drugs wjile waiting to go to court it made me irate and I called him up and totally lost my cool. it seems like I should know how to talk to him better than anyone else because I was doing the same exact thing at 18. I've only been clean for 5 years, while I am proud of it, it still hasn't been that long ago when I was using. I should still know how to talk to him and understand what he is doing but instead I'm acting the same way a parent would act that just found out their kid was using. How can I talk to him without loosing my cool and what should I say. I've thought about writing a letter and kind of telling my whole life story to him. We are 9 years apart in age and have different dad's. I love my brother and fell like an idiot because I don't know what to say to him. I called and left a message and told him I was glad he was my half brother and not full blooded. What the hell would make me say that. I should know what he's going through better than anyone else.

[sleepygoat]

I am 4 1/2 years clean and have lost it more times than I can count when "talking" with my 19 year old addict daughter. You know what they say about helpping our family members get clean... but the truth is, when they really want to get clean, its we who they turn to. so get yourself ready for when the day comes. To do that, you need to pray for him, for you, for your parents. You need to review step one (assuming you are in a 12 step program and know what that is) because the real and no BS truth is that you are powerless over his using too. That doesn't mean you have no influence, but here's the thing - the influence you have (and I just did this little exercise with my NA sponsor so its very fresh in my mind) is that you are a power of example of the fact that addicts can get clean and don't have to keep using,a nd when he is ready, he will be interested in HOW. The other influence you have is that he can know you love him and will not enable him. so, the bad news if you want to call it that is that it matters very little what you say to him today, since he's using and doesn't want to change that. Can you right a letter anyway? Of course. I think the instinct that wants to tell him about yourself is a good one. Tell him what your using was like, especially in terms of feelings, powerlessness, unmanageability, behaviors - stuff he can identify with. Tell him you will take him to a meeting any time. Tell him you are praying for him. But then let it go. It isn't going to change him unless he already wants help.

[Chino]

First of all, congratulations!

When we identify with others it makes losing our cool all too easy. It can't hurt to share your story with him, but it may not help. I'm guessing that when people tried to help you, before you wanted help, it fell on deaf ears. If he wants to quit but doesn't know how, share with him what you did and are doing today. Take him to an NA meeting if he's open to it.

Please be sure to guard and protect your recovery. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Prayers for you and your family.

[1963comet]

Maybe you can explain to him that you were upset only because you care about him. If you did not care you would not say anything.

[PrimalScreamer]

Thanks for answering me. You right, the only person that can make him stop is himself. I guess that's why I get so mad is because I know there is nothing I can make him do to stop other than providing him with information and resources. I guess what got me so mad is that I saw it coming but didn't really prepare for it hoping it would pass or something. I just don't want him to experience the hell that I lived for so long. I think I will just write him a letter and provide him with all of the knowledge I've gained from NA in the last 5 years. This has really made me appreciate being sober and has helped me realize the pain I put my family through when I was his age. Thanks.

[hope213]

honey, there is nothing you can do to help your brother but pray for him. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. my son was my daughter baby doll. there is 8 yrs. between them. he went everywhere with her even on alot of dates.20 yrs later she has finally let him go. 20 yrs later he is doing the same thing.using,jails & prisons. he is waiting trial as a habitual felon today. me as i a mom i would be insane without a program in my life.i love my son, you love your brother but he may never hit a bottom. if he has one he will hit it quicker if you let him fall. just let him know u love him but there is nothing you can do for him. he has got to do it. it is hard but if i can do it & my daughter can do it you can too. by the way he is her 1/2 brother too but that word was never use in our family & still is not today. welcome to S.R. i am glad you are clean & sober today. today is what matters. it is a one day at a time program. you have a right to be proud of yourself. hugs & prayers