Bullying, Enabling and Fear

[awakeawake]

I was replying to a PM and realized that this is just too much - I wanted to post about it. I am so sorry if I sound like a broken record. I just don't have the strength-of-will I once had and don't know why.

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl

[color="DarkOrchid"]Let's say that by not going to meetings, this would be enabling her. Would that be okay for you to enable? (you know the answer here) If you don't do what you know in your heart you need and want to do, then, you're allowing yourself to be bullied (abused). COLOR]

You are right, and what I cannot figure out is WHY I am allowing my wife to bully me. I am scared of her treating me bad, and how it will all affect my daughter (I have a 12 year-old daughter from another marriage living w/us 50% time). I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to make a decision between my wife and unborn child (and her 2 kids) and my daughter.

But there's a part of me that says that if she would do this, I should leave anyway. I don't want to leave her- I love her, but I'm losing my mind....

My vote is to go to the meetings. Invite her maybe so she doesn't feel left out. Course, you wouldn't be as free to share.

Already tried this- she went and saw it wasn't bad... The next week, she changed her mind...

We "talked" last night and this morning. We just do not agree on this. She hates the meetings and says they put her under too much stress w/the baby coming in 2 months. She wants me to not go until the baby is born. She says the same things over and over.... I point out that she is in denial (which she denies). I get very upset, but manage to keep my outbursts to a minimum. She tells me that I "have to do what she says." I say no I don't... then it's a "yes you do, no I don't" thing. I accuse her of having no respect for me at all... I was very upset and left. She has not called me today, but texted me once. I did not reply.

I am so sorry for dumping all this on you guys. As always, I really don't know what to do.

[scorpiogirl]

HEALTHY LOVE AND ADDICTIVE LOVE

All of us have a healthy impulse to find love, but our addictions take us away from genuine love. A summary of the differences between Healthy Love and Addictive Love can help us find the genuine love we all seek and deserve.


Healthy Love vs Addictive Love

1. Healthy Love develops after we feel secure.
1. Addictive Love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

2. Healthy Love comes from feeling full. We overflow with love.
2. Addictive Love is always trying to fill an inner void.

3. Healthy Love begins with loving ourselves, being the lover we think we need.
3. Addictive Love tries to avoid looking at ourselves and always seeks to get love from that "special someone".

4. Healthy Love is based on our ability to love and trust ourselves and hence others.
4. Addictive Love seeks sex and romance outside, precisely because we feel empty inside and don't trust ourselves or others.

5. Healthy Love allows us to be vulnerable because we feel secure inside.
5. Addictive Love is based on a shaky foundation. We feel we must protect ourselves.

6. Healthy Love grows slowly, like a tree.
6. Addictive Love grows fast, as if by magic like those children's animals that expand instantly when we add water.

7. Healthy Love thrives on time alone as well as time with our partner.
7. Addictive Love is frightened of being alone.

8. Healthy Love teaches me to value my own company.
8. Addictive love makes me feel uncomfortable with myself and in need of someone else.

9. Healthy Love is gentle and comfortable.
9. Addictive Love is tense and combative.

10. Healthy Love flows out.
10. Addictive Love caves in.

11. Healthy Love creates a deeper sense of ourselves the longer we are in love.
11. Addictive Love creates a loss of self the longer we are together.

12. Healthy Love gets easier as time goes on.
12. Addictive Love requires more effort as time goes on.

13. Healthy Love is like rowing across a gentle lake.
13. Addictive Love is like being swept away down a raging river.

14. Healthy Love is satisfied with the partner we have.
14. Addictive Love is always looking for more or better.

15. Healthy Love teaches that we can only make ourselves happy.
15. Addictive Love expects the other person to make us happy and demands that we try and make then happy.

16. Healthy Love creates life.
16. Addictive Love creates melodramas.

[Chino]

Originally Posted by awakeawake

You are right, and what I cannot figure out is WHY I am allowing my wife to bully me. I am scared of her treating me bad, and how it will all affect my daughter (I have a 12 year-old daughter from another marriage living w/us 50% time). I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to make a decision between my wife and unborn child (and her 2 kids) and my daughter.

You answered your own question when you said you were scared of her. You are already in the situation because your fear puts and keeps you there. How have you dealt with fear in the past?

[ZombieWife]

I think this situation is so much different, though, when she is 7 months pregnant here. I understand your needs and wants, but I also can see that if it is genuinely upsetting her, the baby might be at risk if she is truly in emotional distress. And I guess a part of me would hate to see her doing something drastic like trying to OD and losing it or trying to take her own life. I just don't know how "fragile" she is at the moment?

Ya know, my husband was nervous about me going to alanon at first. I finally told him, "I understand that you're nervous, but if I can't go, then I can't be 100% a wife to you. Every time I do go, I feel closer and closer to mending this between us. It's healing me."

If I had stopped going (regardless of the reason,) my husband would only have half a wife--probably more off a roomie. At first, before the meetings, I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want to be affectionate. I didn't give anything to him: emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was like living with a stranger at times. I needed my meetings to do that.

I don't know. I'd hate to suggest that you offer a choice:

50% of me and no meetings or . . .
a whole lot MORE of me (and growing w/every meeting) as long as I have my support mechanism

She might choose the 50% and in that case, you just do what you have to do to stay detached.

Hope this made sense. I'm really not sure what else to offer. I just don't know that anything seems to get through to her. I would suggest you write it down for her to read, but I don't know. We also don't know her side at all. As it stands now, she comes across as someone who cannot be reasoned with, talked to or engage in simple conversation without turning into Linda Blair. Is this really what love is?

[Mr B]

Originally Posted by awakeawake

We "talked" last night and this morning. We just do not agree on this. She hates the meetings and says they put her under too much stress w/the baby coming in 2 months. She wants me to not go until the baby is born.

I could be wrong but my gut feeling here is that once the baby is born, she'll use that as a "reason" for demanding that you don't go to Al-Anon. What then? How can you spending a couple of hours out of the house every week be so massively "stressful" to her?

The point here is that she is emotionally manipulating you to get you to do what she wants you to do. That, to me, smacks of bullying. She doesn't want you to go to Al-Anon because it empowers you and helps you to be stronger against her manipulation. She doesn't want that, she wants to be able to just carry on doing whatever the hell she wants with you picking up the pieces and jumping every time she tells you to.

This is your one and only life. Do what you think is best for you, and let other people deal with that as they see fit.

Take care,
Mr B.

[eaglesgirl]

Originally Posted by Mr B

The point here is that she is emotionally manipulating you to get you to do what she wants you to do.

Well said.....

IMO, the only "stress" the meetings are putting on her is the fact that it would make it harder for you to be manipulated by her.....

You gotta do what you need to do to take care of those innocent children.

We are here for you, whatever your decision...

Keep posting and praying.

[Japic05]

((awake))

These are some really tough decisions. My suggestions would be possibly try the Pro/Con list, prayer/meditation and reading literature for guidance.

Also please remember either way you decided attending meetings or not - You are not bound by that decision - You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you choose to give up meetings to avoid stress on the baby, you can. If that doesn't change things - you can say I can no longer abide by that decision - the facts have changed and so has my decision.

Your wife may feel she has control over things, but she doesn't.

As in the Serenity Prayer. . .
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can and
the Wisdom to know the difference.

your HP has control of your will & your life if you allow it - you can change things that are changable - wisdom & acceptance will help with those that you will need to take as they are.

Prayers for you and your family,
Rita

[awakeawake]

It is true that her side of the story is untold.
Since our argument, it seems that I am always the one at fault. I apologize for upsetting her, but she drills it deeper w/hurtful things. Then I start feeling like I've made the worst mistake of my life, and I'll be living the rest of my life out in a jail cell - maybe I don't really love this woman at all. ... but part of me knows that she is moody, very pregnant (making her more moody). She says things that really hurt and seems to feel good about it. It's affecting my entire life -work, everything. I actually feel like giving up. Sorry for being so down- it's just a particularly hard day...

One thing I have not been doing is praying- so it's no wonder