She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)

[marle]

Came home from work tonight and told me that she saw the ex-abf and that she is going to continue seeing him. She knows how much we put into her the last three months-both emotionally and financially. She thinks that she will continue living here, working, going to meetings and we will continue to pay for her meds, etc. because we love her so much and want her to be clean. This will not work even if she does stay clean. She tells me that she wants to die, has never been happy, basically the same **** we have been hearing forever. So I need to have a plan because I know that I don't want to be sitting here being told what to do by my daughter. And I know I can't accept her seeing the man that supplied her drugs and abused her for the last 2 and 1/2 years. Plus she has the I don't give a **** attitude that is so different from the one filled with gratitude for all that we have done for her that she was expressing just yesterday. Pray for me to be strong enough to do what my heart is telling me not to. Thanks, Marle

[suki44883]

Boundaries, Marle...boundaries. You know what you will and will not accept if she is to continue living in your home. The support will end if she continues to see the exbf. She is the one who has the decision to make, not you. It sounds like she could benefit with some one-on-one counseling with a professional. Seems like it's just a matter of time before she will be back on the drugs if she continues to spend time with that toxic ex. ((((HUGS))))

[Done-With-It]

Saying prayers for you Marle.

I agree the best thing you can do is to do what you are thinking.
We teach people how to treat us.

And she WILL do what works for her.

But what works for you is part of the equation she is forgetting.


I think after we get sober, we so easily forget the hell of what
the drugs bring to us and our brain craves the relief part of
what it gave to us. Only we can figure out what is truth and what
is not, and sometimes it takes us a long time.

Love & Light to you...

[grateful2b]

Hold , Marle , hold, for both your sakes..I know you know where it is and where it needs to be....you are in my prayers..

[peaceteach]

Prayer for you tonight, Marle, and for your daughter, that she wakes up tomorrow with a new attitude.

[helpus]

(((Marle))) (((Megan)))

[outtolunch]

Hey Marle,

I responded in one of your earlier threads.

I cannot believe the similarities between our daughters' situations. If I am not mistaken your daughter also has some emotional regulation issues, too.

Feel free to shoot me an email if you want to talk.

[patchoulli]

been there...it feels like blackmail....Im praying for both of you tonite...marian

[rahsue]

You know you have my prayers!

[Troubledone]

Marle

I've read this and the previous post. Adding my prayers to the others... what a hard situation to be in - you are doing all the right things in an impossible situation.

[lostparent]

Sorry I for what your going through. I will never ever understand what goes through their heads. Sending prayers .

[cmc]

Hi marle,
After reading your recent posts from today, I just want to applaud your fine recovery.
I hope she gets back on track soon and stops testing the limits of acceptable behavior.
Sending some 'momma' hugs & prayers your way.

[ZombieWife]

So sorry this is happening. Lots of love and light to you.

[cece]

(((Marle))))
Dang, Its always hardest for us when this crap happens just when we've begun to see a light through the clouds.

Sometimes we have to remember our child addicts are and can act like typical young adults. Her acting out might have nothing to do with her addiction and more with her own control issues.
She wants to be independent but she knows she has to rely on you for now. So she takes it out on you.
She wants to have power over her life, its problems and decisions. but she doesn't, and she's definitely not let you have any of it.

She knows the boyfriend is bad news but she still doesn't get what love really looks like. Its very common for the age group ( or any age group for that matter) to go back, instead of forward, when looking for love.
Sometimes it takes one more stupid try before finally getting that it's really a lousy relationship. Deep down she knows he's poison but is shoving it down and again you're her target. ( Many a parent has teeth marks on their tongue with this one!)

Try not to let her take you with her each time she blows. ( A big challenge for me!) The best thing you could do for both of you right now is for you to be the sane and calm one, let her be and back away.

She's fighting some real mental growth right now and she needs to work through it in order to get it.
Maybe, ( if no drugs are in the house) you can steer clear of her, even if she visits the AH, and let her come to you when she needs to? But don't be her doormat for dumping her crap. Try to walk away from it when she does.

( This post is a reminder to me also because I'm right where you are too.)

Prayers for both of you.

[Chino]

Marle, I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I know she's on subs so she isn't going through any withdrawals, but she may very well be depressed. It's the easiest explanation why she wants to be with the bf. That and hormones. They aren't supposed to get involved in any new relationships but old and familiar is any easy out.

I read she's taking Chantix but is she still taking Seroquel? Maybe a trip to her doctor and an adjustment with her meds is in order. Hopefully she'll do that and ASAP.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Spiritual Seeker]

Megan is at a crossroads. I hope she chooses the road of recovery and growth.
She must be struggling to be without a guy as well as being sober as well as quitting cigs.
May she come to a calmer place this week and continue on the path she's been on the past few months.

Remember you don't need to react. Take lots of time to decide what is best.
"progress not perfection"

[CatsPajamas]

Mom hugs, Marle.

Cats

[CarolD]

Prayers for you and Megan zinging out
Mega Marle

[chiynita]

Marle..I am sorry you have to deal with this.
I think we all know it takes more than just putting the drugs down to recover.
For me it has to be a change in my thinking and behavior.
And the behavior you have been explaining the past few days is not that of one who is putting their all in recovery. We all have our days. But thats just not right.

I know you love her Marle. But just as with the drugs. Bounderies need to be in place for all things.
I am thinking of you.

[Ann]

Add my hugs and prayers too, Marle.

Something I discovered late in the game was that I didn't have to justify what was right for "me" in "my" home. What an eye opener that was. If it just made me uncomfortable...rightly or wrongly...it was my prerogative to decide "not in my house".

And one of my favourite lines..."You can choose to respect the rules of my home and live there, or you can know that I will love you just as much living anywhere else."

I'm sorry she is taking this approach and hope she sees a better path soon.

Hugs

[rozied]

Marle. Big Mama Hugs being sent your way,
Love,
Diane

[lightseeker]

Marle,

I am so sorry that she is squirrelling about the exbf.....but you know, there is no controlling someone elses feelings. It was when my RAH got past the pink cloud and the attitude of gratitude that I truly began to understand how incredibly wretched drug addiction is. Dealing with someone in recovery can be just as hard as active addiction - just in different ways.

Love going out to you....

[pjbs55]

Marle,
Sending you both hugs and prayers. Do what is best for you, you know what that is.
Praying for Megan too, that she stays on the right path.

[Hangin' In]

Oh, Marle, I know, I do know what you are going through.

Love Ann's statement. I'm going to cut and paste it to my SR file.

Only you know what your boundaries are. I finally came to a point where I could not do what went so totally against what I felt in my gut. I was sick of compromising my beliefs to make someone else comfortable. I also realize I did that compromising because I was scared to death what might happen to my daughter.

Husband and I were in your situation and we just kept applying our program. We did set some boundaries, but never had to say "get out." We were blessed that our AD got so aggravated with us (we were working our program and she didn't like it...imgaine that) that she chose to leave, so we didn't have the hard task of saying get out. And she went back to a horrible situation, but finally saw the light.

I know your story isn't my story, but if she's back with the abusive, drug suppling BF, I just don't think it will be long before she makes a choice to leave. I know that isn't what you want, but we just never know, Marle. That might be the turning point. And as in my situation, it was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself at that point.

You're an inspiration, Marle. Keep working the program and, as we say, "more will be revealed." Sometimes sitting and waiting is the best thing for me to do, even though I always have that tendency to want to do something. And I know you know all this. The mama in me is just wanting to make you feel better and encourage you .. the ole codie self coming out yet again.

Big mama hugs to you, and I'm praying for both you and your daughter. My HP loves these kids and he sees right where your daughter is today. And I know he's trying to get through to her. I'm praying something will make her hear.

Love,
Hangin' In