She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)

[lil516]

(((Marle)))

I just saw the last few posts
I am so sorry the roller coaster ride is continuing

this is such a difficult period she is going through
early recovery is so hard

she is over the "honeymoon" period but not solid enough to appreciate the sober life....

as with my son, it sounds like the mental health issues that initiated the "self medicating" in the first place still remain and need to be addressed

of course the ball is in her court and she needs to be willing

my son went through many similar times...
90 days seems to be a milestone (for good or bad)
the long term recovery facility was beneficial b/c even when he wasn't willing he was in an environment that supported him until he picked up his recovery again
it happened like that more than once!

his biggest challenge now is stabilizing his mental health issues

recovery is so much more than refraining from substance abuse

Megan is in my prayers
I pray something will trigger in her the desire to stay the course despite the struggle
if so, perhaps looking into a recovery house where she can develop lifeskills and recovery relationships would be an option

Marle...I am praying for you and your family
(((Blessings)))

[stefanie]

Marle,sending mom to mom hugs your way. This cant be easy for either one of you-but your house, your rules, your boundaries.

[funkzter]

Ow Marle, i'm sorry to hear that... I didn't read all your answers but i am sure they gave you great advises & support.
I hope she sees better than seeing the guy that drags her down. That's just so frustrating...
Until then, keep your boundaries, as always
Hugs

[Impurrfect]

(((Marle)))

I'm sorry. It sounds like she is in the part of recovery, when we realize it's not all fun and games, consequences suck, and life seems boring without all the drama and chaos that comes with using.

I'm hoping Megan gets through this phase and back on track, but whatever she does, keep your boundaries and take care of you.

Mega hugs and prayers to you, Mr. Marle, Megan and the pups!

Amy

[Momsrainbow]

Big Hugs And Prayers For You, Mr. Marle, Megan And The Doggies!!

[liesagain]

hugs and prayers for you

[beegee]

Marle,
Your really getting hit between a bf and drugs. I am so sorry she is choosing to go back with him. It sounds like she thinks you will let her have her cake and eat it too. I hope you tell her she can't have it her way.
I know that will be hard Marle but she either cares enough about you and her recovery with you in your home or she chooses to throw it away.
Feelings are tough enough to deal with on a plain basis but him doing drugs is just a killer for her.
Stick to your boundrys, no maybe's, no just one day, no nothing just as it has been. Look out for you on this one because you have done great and if she chooses to stay with you and away from him wonderful, if she doesn't you can't change her thoughts. Then you need to look out for you no matter how selfish that may seem to you..it isn't. Your special too! Stay strong! And were here

[Reality]

There is no more important time to enforce firm boundaries than now. She is testing limits. Be firm...its in her best interest that you do so.

Best of luck, and hold onto your higher power.

[kj0975]

Just my 2 cents here. Who knows what the exabf told her what he said about you and how your trying to control her. How you want her to change and blah blah blah. I'm sure he had alot to say that things werent that bad and he would change and get better and things could be better with them. I'm sure she still loves him and will fall for whatever he says. Maybe he convinced her you were trying to control her and he never did that to her. There are 2 sides to every story. I bet if you told her if she wants to continue to talk to him that she couldnt stay there that she would leave. Its so hard. I'm sure he hates her being clean cause he lost the control he had and now is trying to get that back. Its so sad that she is falling for his bs. I have been there and always went back. Maybe set up boundries that dont sound like your controling her. Let her think it was her idea. Ya know. It sucks such a hard thing to deal with you want the best for your daughter and have waiting for this day to come for so long. Shes gonna believe everything he says sad, but true cause thats what we do sometimes. It sucks. I hope she chooses recovery and not him.

He is toxic we can see it but she cant she still loves him and thinks he wouldnt want bad things to happen to her. Yet when she was strung out he had control now he lost that control and is trying to get it back by telling lies cause thats what hes good at manipulating her. Shes his puppet he calls the shots. Trust your gut and follow through with things you said you would do but dont back down cause you want to save her. Hopefully she has enough recovery and has seen how good things can be clean vs. being a puppet to some low life. I hope this makes sense its hard to put in words. I have been where she is and now how hard it is to walk away from someone who will promise you the world and make u hate the ones who really LOVE you. Keep your chin up things will work out. Sometimes tough love is what you have to dish out. (((HUGS)))

[Jody Hepler]

Since I was dealing with two teenaged newly recovering sons - we had rules in order for them to live there. They had to be in an "aftercare" program - or weekly counseling (so someone other than their parents were giving them some instructions - and listening to their anger). And they had to be active in a recovery program - for us it was a meeting a day in AA/NA.

I had gotten used to calmness/serenity/recovery in my house - my husband and I in Alanon - and the boys in AA - and the other son in Alateen. And I was not willing to go back to always being afraid, the drama/trauma, do they need medication, whose fault is it, hanging with old using friends. It was a hard line to draw - but it worked for us. One son stayed sober - one left in anger after 3 years and was using for almost 20 years. But my husband and I found our own recovery through Alanon.

You'll find what works for you. I really love Ann's sentence - I learned to say things like that in a calm and loving way - over and over. Like a broken record. Amazing how when I stopped arguing and begging and crying and started to "act like a grown up" as my sponsor always used to say - at least I felt better about myself.

What a journey!

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

[wenchris]

I am praying. praying. praying, that this appears to be an option to her. I know you will think through this and do what feels right to you. Being held captive is not going to work for either of you for any length of time and she still does not realize that her captor is not you. PM me anytime. I will even give you an IOU for lunch one day if we can make it work!

[Jen042208]

Sounds like she needs a dose of tough love to me. Kick her out and let her hit her bottom. That is the best gift you could ever give her. Otherwise, you will have blood on your hands when she dies.

I know this sounds harsh, but unfortunately it is reality.

Good luck!

[kj0975]

Any updates? Lets us know how your handling everything and know we are here for ul

[havehope]

Marle
You and Meagan are always in my prayers. I too had to set the boundries with my RAD 22 year old. She is now married to the 44 year old control freak. I had to let her make that decision. He does not "allow" her to talk to me . . .
I kept the boundries in my home, she chose to leave and "find love" elsewhere. I still pray she will one day return to us as she matures.
Mom hugs to you
Terri

[krhea75]

Marle,
Your no nonsense advice has always helped me. I was so enjoying hearing about your daughter's recovery, that i feel kind of let down as well. sigh....I don't have any more words of wisdom. Just one friend to another, hugs.
krhea

[greeteachday]

prayers for you and megan, Marle. I hope it is an off day and she jumps back to an attitude of gratitude. You've got strong recovery and I know you will establish the boundaries you need. Hugs

[marle]

Here is the update. She did see the ex today. They went to a meeting together. He has been clean for a month. Megan is just really confused right now and being torn in two different directions. She says she is serious about not using, working her job, starting another IOP session this week, doing meetings, paying off her debts and living here. I told her it is her life and her decisions. She needs to do what feels right for her. So many emotions are crowding her head, emotions that she used to numb and now has to deal with. I see the struggle and I have compassion for it. She IS clean and she did apologize for yesterday. So for now I am not doing anything to cause a crisis. I want my peace and serenity. I really do think that she wants to stay clean. So I will take it one day at a time. Decisions made in the heat of the moment have never worked before. Hugs, Marle

[outtolunch]

Good to hear that today was a better day. Let's cherish days like this, shall we?

[sleepygoat]

I have a little different take on this. Maybe I missing something that might have showed up in a prior post of yours that I haven't read. But I was just thinking that not permitting her to see whomever is just controlling on your part period. Yes, I get that its your house, your rules, but when do you let go? I would keep it simple. If the rules were no using, then that's the rule. If she uses behind seeing the X, then she's out because she used. If the rules were she does XYZ chores and pays some sort of rent, for example, then that's the rule. Telling an adult who to see just smacks of codependency and controlling IMO - but that's just me. Now emotionally speaking, I'd be freaking out too - and sad, and disappointed and praying. But that's your stuff to deal with in your own recovery way and jumping right to controlling the other person to stop the uncomfortable emotions you feel... well it just doesn't feel right to me. Again, just my take on this.

[Ann]

Marle, you are such an inspiration to me. I know how very hard all this is for you (and for her too, new to recovery means emotions all over the place), and I admire your thinking process and your ability to take it all one day at a time, one incident at a time, and to know what is yours to own and what is not.

You may not feel it, but your light is shining brightly here, and I am blessed to be walking with you through all of this and through my own recovery as well.

My prayers continue for all of you. May the miracle of recovery be yours and your daughters today, because each day they are clean in indeed a miracle and I like to take my miracles one day at a time.

Mom-to-mom Hugs

[peaceteach]

I agree, Marle. Your light, love, and ESH are shining for all of us. I also support Sleepy's suggestion of the "control" issue. If it is for YOUR benefit, then yes. If it is to keep Megan from danger, that is between her and her HP. She may also be experiencing her own codie issues, the "addiction" to the boyfriend who will just bring her down, much like we do as codies ourselves. She has many lessons to learn in her sobriety, and she must be the one to recognize self-destructive behaviors that she lets into her life, just like we have. Thank God she has an incredibly loving, smart role model to witness in her mama. Big hugs and support, Marle.

[Hangin' In]

Marle,

You're recovery is there for all of us to see and I thank you for sharing it with me. Gives me courage.

I love what you said about doing nothing right now. I, as a codie, am always prone to just have to do something. And like I posted somewhere the other day, sometimes my doing something is to do nothing. Prior to recovery, I never knew that "doing nothing" was an action. And I've found that doing nothing, staying out of my AD's recovery, has really worked for the good.

I'm glad you are comfortable with where you are today in this situation. This is when "one day at a time" surely comes in handy. I'm so grateful for that way of living. We can take what is right in front of us today, and not get into tomorrow if we remember that.

Hugs and prayers for both of you. God sees your daughter and I know he's trying to get her to a better place. I hate that sometimes our kids have to go through so much to get there, but I know that God can use what seems to be bad for good.

Love ya,
Hangin' In

[grateful2b]

I want to add my admiration and respect also, Marle, you give us so much as you share your walk....
always, my prayers and love for you and Megan,