How to deal with a meddeling MIL... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Callie · 08-22-2008, 06:29 AM

Most of you know my story. AH has been out of rehab (kicked out for drug use) for about 11 days. He seems to be doing much better and is on suboxone right now. I don't "THINK" their is further use, but I wouldn't doubt it. After rehab AH wanted to come home, I said no. He went to MIL's (where he was staying before rehab). She was furious that I wouldn't let AH come home. Mad that I wouldn't let him see the kids right away (they're 7 and think daddy is away working on his problems). I said I didn't want him to see the kids because they are doing MUCH better and didn't want to confuse them right then with daddy is away, is back, is going away again. (He thought he would be able to go right back to rehab) AH agreed and fully supports this decision.

MIL has apparantly been talking smack about me to AH and SIL behind my back. Saying things such as "for better or for worse", He needs to be home, he's not happy, she needs to do something with him. She got mad because I said I was NOT paying a few of the bills he had (ccard's). It's everything that I can do to keep my head above h20 financially in my household. Saying things like "shouldn't that be 50/50? Um, yea, but he's not paying 50% of the bills HERE! He was FIRED from his job of 19 years! She keeps saying well he can get xyz job etc.

She is very, extremely codie. Even moreso than me. She is also getting mad if he takes my calls over hers, saying "what about my feelings?" My response is there is no time for feelings right now. An entire family has been devastated and we're all in survival mode. Says "he's not happy." I said are you? am I? Are the kids? Are my parents? NOBODY is happy because of HIS addiction. Says well if he could just come home maybe he'd straighten up. I said he was "home" when he started using and it didn't stop him. She is terrified that we'll divorce. She's always asking Ah "what does Callie say? She's not leaving is she? You aren't getting a divorce are you? She still loves you right?" When AH said "mom she may divorce me, she has every right." She says things like "well you're young, you're good looking, you can find someone else."

To my face she's not singing that tune at all. She says she "understands", she loves me, she supports me etc. So AH and I have talked at length about this. I had NO idea that he was spending hours at a time defending me. Trying to make her understand. Telling her to stay out of our marriage. He told her that we BOTH made the decision for him to not see the kids immediately. And we DID. They just started school, I was just getting them stabilized from all of the drama with ah's addiction. I did not want to confuse them anymore and ah 100% agreed and said he wanted to do whatever was best for them. He's called them about every other night, which is fine by me.

AH is supporting me to her and I am 100% sure of this. He's tried yelling at her to back off, reasoning with her to back off, telling her he won't discuss it any further ect. She will NOT let it go. I of course am ready to come unglued with her. I care about her ALOT and I know she does me too. But I can see our R going downhill very fast if she continues to question ME and our decisions with the kids.

AH is also having a hard time because in rehab they focused alot on writing. So he's been journaling a fair amount. She's been going into his room when he's gone and going through his stuff and reading it. She works 3rd shift and it's to the point that he will leave when she's up just to avoid her and avoid conflict. She's always bit$%ing, nagging and complaining. She'll try to listen in on his phone conversations as well. She means well with all of this, but it has to stop for his own sanity and recovery.

She's a few bricks shy of a load uptop, so it's very hard to reason with her. The role of her and ah are reversed. AH has ALWAYS been the parent model and her the child. He does not respect her at all, but does love her. He's having a very hard time being caught in the middle and he does NOT want us to have a bad R no matter what for our kid's sake.

For now, ah has been trying to reason with her. He wants to talk to her about this for a few days, let things sink in and then wants me to meet with her. Thing is that she'll pretend like everything is alright, she's not mad, she understands, she loves me etc. But then go right back at it later. I am wound so tight about this that it will be VERY hard to keep my composure, but I will. I KNOW that I need to set firm boundaries with her. I also plan to lay it all out and get everything out in the open instead of tippy toeing around things. Any other suggestions as to how to handle this? This has been brewing for a while and I'm tryying to keep it from exploding. For the kids sake, AH's sake, her sake and mine. Obviously I see there are some jealousy and control issues with her towards me - control over ah, control over the kids. But should I do about that???

In her own way she means well, but she views me as this bit%^ who is not standing by her AS. I've stood by him through addiction for YEARS and she's coming unglued after 2 months. I just do not need this drama right now and I need her to BACK OFF or their won't be a R between her and I. Thanks for reading and for your suggestions.

Reality · 08-22-2008, 07:14 AM

"courage to change the things I can"....which doesnt include mothers in law.

Im with ya, Callie....but ya cant change her.....youre lucky he stands up to her. Remember, she is just as affected by the disease as you are, hence, she has a touch of insanity.

Hang in there!

beegee · 08-22-2008, 08:42 AM

Callie, Sorry your going through all this. I don't have a lot of advice on this but I would write down what you want to clear up and say. Just because you might get off track and forget. Hanmg in there....

***Impurrfect*** · 08-22-2008, 09:04 AM

(((Callie)))

Sorry you're going through this, but it honestly sounds (to me) like she doesn't want to deal with him right now...she'd rather YOU do it. She is seeing what addiction has done to the entire family, has a front row seat, and she doesn't like it. It's easier for her to tell YOU what to do, than do it for herself.

I'm glad AH is standing up to her and taking up for you. I'm sure it's not easy on him, either, but these are his consequences.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sojourner · 08-22-2008, 09:04 AM

wow, it's amazing AH can stay sober and pay attention to his ongoing recovery under those circumstances. has he considered different living conditions such as some type of recovery house?

**cece1960** · 08-22-2008, 09:04 AM

Callie,
I have to wonder why you know all of this, and why your AH feels the need to share the bad stuff so often.
JMO...
If she's fair to you to your face, then maybe accept that relationship over the one you're being told about.
I hope it doesn't come across as negative, but I'm very very leary of our addicts and their manipulation tactics. Think about it...he's miserable, you're being insulted by the mom, you two are on the same side (against her)...therefore, he needs to come home to get better. I mean, NO ONE could recover in that envorenment right?

Again, not fact, just food for thought.
(((Hugs)))

Chino · 08-22-2008, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reality

"courage to change the things I can"....which doesnt include mothers in law.

I'm thinking the same thing. Their issues are between them. Her thoughts and feelings about you belong to her until she shares them with you. The only way you can make the drama stop is to ask your husband to stop sharing it. He wants you to meet with her to run interference for him and that's codie quicksand.

outtolunch · 08-22-2008, 09:20 AM

Oh for crying out loud..... a family drama and at the core of every family drama is a perception of control over what other people think and do.

Everyone and everything is revolving around your husband and his addiction. Why is this?

What exactly do you expect to achieve when you invoke your plan to " lay it all out and getting everything out in the open" ?

You have no control over your MIL, let alone you husband. I know it's easier said than done....let it go....stop reacting to her and the relationship between mother and son. Let them work it out, or not.

Focus on yourself and the kids and what you need to do to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.

sojourner · 08-22-2008, 09:22 AM

outtolunch:

well said.

eaglesgirl · 08-22-2008, 09:32 AM

seems that the drama llama is still in your yard...

walk away from it...

you dont need to deal with things that your AH and mil are telling you...

your plate is already too full...

hello-kitty · 08-22-2008, 10:55 AM

Hi sweetie. Here's what I suggest:

Turn off your phone and don't listen to your husbands BS or your MILs BS anymore. Give yourself a break before you reach the breaking point.

There was a great post on the family and friends of alcoholics about the affects of alcoholism on Children - even when the children don't know what's going on, it still affects them. All the energy spent on your husband's addiction or your MIL is energy that could be spent on your kids. It's a great post. I'll see if I can find the link...

I also like to repeat the Codie version of the serenity prayer. It helps me keep my focus on the important things in life and keeps me moving forward towards become a better stronger person for my children:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change

The strength to change the person I can

And the wisdom to know it's me.

hello-kitty · 08-22-2008, 10:57 AM

This Is A War - ADDICTION

This is true for children of addicts as well as children of alcoholics. I think it is a very good read - it sure made me think about the choices I am making in my life when it comes to addiction.

Callie · 08-22-2008, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cece1960

Callie,
Think about it...he's miserable, you're being insulted by the mom, you two are on the same side (against her)...therefore, he needs to come home to get better. I mean, NO ONE could recover in that envorenment right?

Again, not fact, just food for thought.
(((Hugs)))

I've already thought of this too. Thank you for pointing it out. It does appear that we're on the same side again. I know that's not healthy for me.

I guess the thing about "me" is that I become VERY defensive when she implies that I've not done "enough" for AH. I get so mad and it is extremely hard to bite my tongue with her. She's been a smart a$$ every time I've talked to her for the last month and I've not reciprocated. The thing is that I WANT to keep a decent R for our kids. They love her and I don't want to comprimise that for them.

I am afraid that I can go and speak my peace, but that the same thing will erupt later on down the line. Maybe it would just be best to completely detach from her as well. It just makes me so mad because IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT HER SON IS AN ADDICT!! Some of you asked about other living arrangements for AH - he has nowhere because he has no money. Nothing. He's living under her roof and she's paying the bills for him.

She just seems to be making this all about her and in reality it's none of her business about our M. I feel like I"m wound so extremely tight that I don't know if I can let this go with her. AH hasn't really told me that much that she's saying. I've picked up from her smart a$$ comments and ah has told me bits and pieces. She's also accusing me of keeping the kids from her. I don't know - when you mess with my kids....you just don't want to go there with me.

I will do everything in my power to keep them in the most healthy environment that is possible. PERIOD. The kids haven't been in there for a few weeks because AH is in there and it's a messed up situation for them (kids) when he's there with her. I am glad that AH is standing up for me though. But I also realize that that puts us on the "same side".

I love her to death, but she is one of the most annoying people on earth to me and always has been and her making these accusations to me/about me - just really hard to deal with.

Callie · 08-22-2008, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

(((Callie)))

but it honestly sounds (to me) like she doesn't want to deal with him right now...she'd rather YOU do it. She is seeing what addiction has done to the entire family, has a front row seat, and she doesn't like it. It's easier for her to tell YOU what to do, than do it for herself.

EXACTLY. She thinks if he can just come home that all of this will go away. He has been doing it while living at hime for the last 8 years. I just can't reason with the unreasonable when it comes to her.

Callie · 08-22-2008, 12:49 PM

Another thing -

So if I let this go and detach as best as I can from her, what do I do about my kids. I don't want her talking smack around them about me. She would not do it intentionally, but she does not have enough common sense to fully censor herself either. I don't want to say nor would I say she couldn't see them. She really does have a good heart, she just feels I'm being SOOO unfair to her AS. What about the kids and how can I minimize what she tells them. They are 7.

anvilhead · 08-22-2008, 12:49 PM

callie, IF AH was not living with her right now, how often would you and she talk during the week? since she is housing her own ADULT son, by her own choice, i don't see why you and she need to kibbitz that much. it would be different if she was watching on of your children and had questions about naps or feeding schedules or if they are allergic to raspberries....

chances of HER changing are pretty slim right? she can quack and sqwauk all she wants really, it's up to YOU how much of it you care to listen to. i'm sure she'd like her gainfully unemployed full grown not so recovering adult son to be elsewhere than underfoot. the easiest solution for HER is for YOU to take him back.

i fear as long as he has mommy or you to take care of him, he's going to continue to flounder. why shouldn't he? he's got three squares, a roof over his head, and all his bills paid right now, right? sweeeeet. wish i had that deal!

you got your hands full with your own world and your kids, keep your focus there. rest of the crap is either gonna sort itself out.....or not!!!

ps - watch that you might be transferring your primary frustration with AH to MIL....

StillLearning! · 08-22-2008, 12:55 PM

Callie,
This can all be so darn confusing and a matter of perspective.

A question to the parents of the addicts here. If your childs spouse divorces them or broke contact with your child who they have kids with. How does it feel? How does one work it out??

Another question, how do your in-laws *normally* handle divorces? Do they continue to have relationships with the in-laws? Do they have the skills to be able to continue relationships? The desire to?

I can tell you, from experience- my family of origin. They don't... All kinds of enmeshment no boundaries and skeleton's in the closets!!

Just a question, but if you look at their possible past history. How they have dealt with others divorces. That is probably what you can expect from them and their family.
I think people show us by their actions.. how they treat others is probably what we too can expect..

Callie · 08-22-2008, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anvilhead

IF AH was not living with her right now, how often would you and she talk during the week?

chances of HER changing are pretty slim right? she can quack and sqwauk all she wants really, it's up to YOU how much of it you care to listen to. i'm sure she'd like her gainfully unemployed full grown not so recovering adult son to be elsewhere than underfoot. the easiest solution for HER is for YOU to take him back.

ps - watch that you might be transferring your primary frustration with AH to MIL....

Anvil - we (MIL and I) talked maybe 1-2x a week if that before? Yes, chances of her changing are very slim. Yes 100% right that if I took him back she'd close that door and "pretend like everything was ok" and wouldn't ask much at all about it so she wouldn't rock the boat.

About your PS - I can see that too.

Thank you for your response - what about the kids. Limit contact? Before they would stay over night with her maybe 1x every few weeks. Sometimes more, sometimes less. She has done some things that I totally do not like like telling DS he can stay up extra late, but that's "their secret". Saying things to DD like "do you like your other g'ma more than me?" She is not maliciously doing this AT ALL - she is just very dense and childlike in many aspects. I am sure she wouldn't intentionally badmouth me to them, but just the things that she's putting on a 7 year old are NOT fair and things that they should NOT have to deal with.

I understand that he's her son. She loves him, supports him ect. I am NOT trying to take that away, but to have someone come at me with her accusations is VERY hard to let go - I can let it go if I know she'll respect mine/our wishes as far as the kids are concerned. KWIM? Thanks again guys.

BTW SL - About your comment about divorce and families - I don't expect her to stand by me or do this or that. But I DO expect her to RESPECT my decisions and my AH and I's decisions on raising OUR kids.

anvilhead · 08-22-2008, 01:11 PM

oh god the stories i could tell ya about my mom with my kid!!!! like when she loaded up a picnic in the transvan and went to renee's grade school and took her out of class in the middle of the day and they went down to the beach, all without my knowledge or consent!!!!

i was LIVID. however if you ask Renee about that day, she'd tell ya it was one of her favorite memories with grammy.

in the GRAND scheme, if it's one night a week and it's at gramma's house, and the kid gets to stay up a bit past their bedtime.....is it THAT big a deal? i mean cuz maybe it is....you're the mom, but just like if they went to timmy's house for an overnite, there's probably slightly different rules at timmy's right? maybe they get to drink koolaid and not have to brush their teeth. i dunno, in hindsight, i guess grammas maybe should get a little slack???? my mom used to feed renee cherry tomatoes til she'd turn pink!!! she'd ask renee about the "other" grandmother, she'd b*tch to me ABOUT the other g-mother getting more time.....

again, you're the mom callie....what are you comfortable with? you can't control every word said to your kids....at school or at grammas, or at timmy's!!! as long as they are loved and safe, try to come to a happy medium.

ps - i totally respect and admire your staunch determined stand to do what is best for your children!!!! it's tough ain't it? in case nobody has said this lately, you are a TERRIFIC MOM!!!!!!

Callie · 08-22-2008, 01:42 PM

Thanks Anvil - I guess I feel like AH's addiction is ruining the idea of the "picture perfect HEALTHY family" that I want so badly for the kids. I have to realize that I guess. It's just that I feel like I've fought this so hard for so long. I feel like I did everything humanly possible to shelter EVERYONE from his addiction. Most importantly my kids. For her to question me or my motives/parenting ability/spousal ability. Just a very hard pill to swallow. The fighter in me chooses to go after that, to stop that, to protect them from that.

In reality, I don't want to alienate my twins from her. I just want the best, most healthy R possible for them. I do know that if I couldn't "fix" AH that I can't "fix" her either. She's lied to me and has been two-faced to me lately, which is a side I've never seen from her until recently. It's also something that I have ZERO tolerance for. Jealousy and control towards me for her AS is something I've caught glimpses of along the way, but have never seen until recently. I am grateful that AH is sticking up for me, but I've always been one to fight my own battles so it's very hard to let her comments slide. I know that it will fall on deaf ears with her though.

Yes anvil it's tough - but thank you for tellin' it like it is. That's what I love about you girl - you shoot straight from the hip. No dancin' around. Thank you for that.

Abundance · 08-22-2008, 01:50 PM

Callie -

Addiction = drama

Your mil is in the throws of it all emotionally. She is looking out for her son. The addiction that lies with you AH is feeding this drama. Getting you on his side. This is what struck me as the reality:

Quote:

Her thoughts and feelings about you belong to her until she shares them with you. The only way you can make the drama stop is to ask your husband to stop sharing it. He wants you to meet with her to run interference for him and that's codie quicksand.

This is the addiction doing it's job and your AH is smart enough to make this work in his favor.

Separate yourself from the drama/addiction. Until she shares these things with you herself..... do not give any weight to this.

My guy's friends (mainly the users)..... they thought and probably still do think horrible things about me. I just figure that they will one day figure it out or learn that none of that is true. It's the addiction that is saying those things. In the mean time (whether the truth his revealed to them)...... it's out of my hands. It's how I feel and what I do in my life .... is all that matters.

How empowering is it to go through today knowing that you are being true to yourself!!! I actually have compassion for you MIL...... because he doesn't know what she is doing. Your AH's addiction knows all too well what the manipulation around this will serve in the purpose to keep the addiction alive.

This is all so much easier said than done..... believe me I know all too well - but you are doing so good Callie. You are in recovery too and are asking for help for all the right reasons! God Bless YOU! The twins have an AWESOME momma!!!!!!!!

Callie · 08-22-2008, 04:30 PM

BTW - I totally know that I spelled meddeling wrong and I'm usually a good speller! Any english teachers out there??

08-22-2008, 06:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
Callie Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 482	How to deal with a meddeling MIL... Most of you know my story. AH has been out of rehab (kicked out for drug use) for about 11 days. He seems to be doing much better and is on suboxone right now. I don't "THINK" their is further use, but I wouldn't doubt it. After rehab AH wanted to come home, I said no. He went to MIL's (where he was staying before rehab). She was furious that I wouldn't let AH come home. Mad that I wouldn't let him see the kids right away (they're 7 and think daddy is away working on his problems). I said I didn't want him to see the kids because they are doing MUCH better and didn't want to confuse them right then with daddy is away, is back, is going away again. (He thought he would be able to go right back to rehab) AH agreed and fully supports this decision. MIL has apparantly been talking smack about me to AH and SIL behind my back. Saying things such as "for better or for worse", He needs to be home, he's not happy, she needs to do something with him. She got mad because I said I was NOT paying a few of the bills he had (ccard's). It's everything that I can do to keep my head above h20 financially in my household. Saying things like "shouldn't that be 50/50? Um, yea, but he's not paying 50% of the bills HERE! He was FIRED from his job of 19 years! She keeps saying well he can get xyz job etc. She is very, extremely codie. Even moreso than me. She is also getting mad if he takes my calls over hers, saying "what about my feelings?" My response is there is no time for feelings right now. An entire family has been devastated and we're all in survival mode. Says "he's not happy." I said are you? am I? Are the kids? Are my parents? NOBODY is happy because of HIS addiction. Says well if he could just come home maybe he'd straighten up. I said he was "home" when he started using and it didn't stop him. She is terrified that we'll divorce. She's always asking Ah "what does Callie say? She's not leaving is she? You aren't getting a divorce are you? She still loves you right?" When AH said "mom she may divorce me, she has every right." She says things like "well you're young, you're good looking, you can find someone else." To my face she's not singing that tune at all. She says she "understands", she loves me, she supports me etc. So AH and I have talked at length about this. I had NO idea that he was spending hours at a time defending me. Trying to make her understand. Telling her to stay out of our marriage. He told her that we BOTH made the decision for him to not see the kids immediately. And we DID. They just started school, I was just getting them stabilized from all of the drama with ah's addiction. I did not want to confuse them anymore and ah 100% agreed and said he wanted to do whatever was best for them. He's called them about every other night, which is fine by me. AH is supporting me to her and I am 100% sure of this. He's tried yelling at her to back off, reasoning with her to back off, telling her he won't discuss it any further ect. She will NOT let it go. I of course am ready to come unglued with her. I care about her ALOT and I know she does me too. But I can see our R going downhill very fast if she continues to question ME and our decisions with the kids. AH is also having a hard time because in rehab they focused alot on writing. So he's been journaling a fair amount. She's been going into his room when he's gone and going through his stuff and reading it. She works 3rd shift and it's to the point that he will leave when she's up just to avoid her and avoid conflict. She's always bit$%ing, nagging and complaining. She'll try to listen in on his phone conversations as well. She means well with all of this, but it has to stop for his own sanity and recovery. She's a few bricks shy of a load uptop, so it's very hard to reason with her. The role of her and ah are reversed. AH has ALWAYS been the parent model and her the child. He does not respect her at all, but does love her. He's having a very hard time being caught in the middle and he does NOT want us to have a bad R no matter what for our kid's sake. For now, ah has been trying to reason with her. He wants to talk to her about this for a few days, let things sink in and then wants me to meet with her. Thing is that she'll pretend like everything is alright, she's not mad, she understands, she loves me etc. But then go right back at it later. I am wound so tight about this that it will be VERY hard to keep my composure, but I will. I KNOW that I need to set firm boundaries with her. I also plan to lay it all out and get everything out in the open instead of tippy toeing around things. Any other suggestions as to how to handle this? This has been brewing for a while and I'm tryying to keep it from exploding. For the kids sake, AH's sake, her sake and mine. Obviously I see there are some jealousy and control issues with her towards me - control over ah, control over the kids. But should I do about that??? In her own way she means well, but she views me as this bit%^ who is not standing by her AS. I've stood by him through addiction for YEARS and she's coming unglued after 2 months. I just do not need this drama right now and I need her to BACK OFF or their won't be a R between her and I. Thanks for reading and for your suggestions.

08-22-2008, 08:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
beegee Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: USA Posts: 428	Callie, Sorry your going through all this. I don't have a lot of advice on this but I would write down what you want to clear up and say. Just because you might get off track and forget. Hanmg in there.... __________________ "If we always do, what we have always done, We will always have, what we always had".

08-22-2008, 09:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,814	(((Callie))) Sorry you're going through this, but it honestly sounds (to me) like she doesn't want to deal with him right now...she'd rather YOU do it. She is seeing what addiction has done to the entire family, has a front row seat, and she doesn't like it. It's easier for her to tell YOU what to do, than do it for herself. I'm glad AH is standing up to her and taking up for you. I'm sure it's not easy on him, either, but these are his consequences. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

08-22-2008, 09:04 AM	#6 (permalink)
cece1960 Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: PA Posts: 1,220	Callie, I have to wonder why you know all of this, and why your AH feels the need to share the bad stuff so often. JMO... If she's fair to you to your face, then maybe accept that relationship over the one you're being told about. I hope it doesn't come across as negative, but I'm very very leary of our addicts and their manipulation tactics. Think about it...he's miserable, you're being insulted by the mom, you two are on the same side (against her)...therefore, he needs to come home to get better. I mean, NO ONE could recover in that envorenment right? Again, not fact, just food for thought. (((Hugs))) __________________ The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are going. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

08-22-2008, 09:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
sojourner Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 190	outtolunch: well said. Last edited by sojourner; 08-22-2008 at 09:43 AM.

08-22-2008, 07:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
Reality Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 50	"courage to change the things I can"....which doesnt include mothers in law. Im with ya, Callie....but ya cant change her.....youre lucky he stands up to her. Remember, she is just as affected by the disease as you are, hence, she has a touch of insanity. Hang in there!

08-22-2008, 09:04 AM	#5 (permalink)
sojourner Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 190	wow, it's amazing AH can stay sober and pay attention to his ongoing recovery under those circumstances. has he considered different living conditions such as some type of recovery house?

08-22-2008, 09:20 AM	#8 (permalink)
outtolunch Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Chicago area Posts: 419	Oh for crying out loud..... a family drama and at the core of every family drama is a perception of control over what other people think and do. Everyone and everything is revolving around your husband and his addiction. Why is this? What exactly do you expect to achieve when you invoke your plan to " lay it all out and getting everything out in the open" ? You have no control over your MIL, let alone you husband. I know it's easier said than done....let it go....stop reacting to her and the relationship between mother and son. Let them work it out, or not. Focus on yourself and the kids and what you need to do to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.

08-22-2008, 09:32 AM	#10 (permalink)
eaglesgirl Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Jersey Posts: 154	seems that the drama llama is still in your yard... walk away from it... you dont need to deal with things that your AH and mil are telling you... your plate is already too full...

08-22-2008, 10:55 AM	#11 (permalink)
hello-kitty Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 930	Hi sweetie. Here's what I suggest: Turn off your phone and don't listen to your husbands BS or your MILs BS anymore. Give yourself a break before you reach the breaking point. There was a great post on the family and friends of alcoholics about the affects of alcoholism on Children - even when the children don't know what's going on, it still affects them. All the energy spent on your husband's addiction or your MIL is energy that could be spent on your kids. It's a great post. I'll see if I can find the link... I also like to repeat the Codie version of the serenity prayer. It helps me keep my focus on the important things in life and keeps me moving forward towards become a better stronger person for my children: Lord grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change The strength to change the person I can And the wisdom to know it's me.

08-22-2008, 10:57 AM	#12 (permalink)
hello-kitty Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 930	This Is A War - ADDICTION This is true for children of addicts as well as children of alcoholics. I think it is a very good read - it sure made me think about the choices I am making in my life when it comes to addiction.

08-22-2008, 12:49 PM	#15 (permalink)
Callie Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 482	Another thing - So if I let this go and detach as best as I can from her, what do I do about my kids. I don't want her talking smack around them about me. She would not do it intentionally, but she does not have enough common sense to fully censor herself either. I don't want to say nor would I say she couldn't see them. She really does have a good heart, she just feels I'm being SOOO unfair to her AS. What about the kids and how can I minimize what she tells them. They are 7.

08-22-2008, 12:49 PM	#16 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,116	callie, IF AH was not living with her right now, how often would you and she talk during the week? since she is housing her own ADULT son, by her own choice, i don't see why you and she need to kibbitz that much. it would be different if she was watching on of your children and had questions about naps or feeding schedules or if they are allergic to raspberries.... chances of HER changing are pretty slim right? she can quack and sqwauk all she wants really, it's up to YOU how much of it you care to listen to. i'm sure she'd like her gainfully unemployed full grown not so recovering adult son to be elsewhere than underfoot. the easiest solution for HER is for YOU to take him back. i fear as long as he has mommy or you to take care of him, he's going to continue to flounder. why shouldn't he? he's got three squares, a roof over his head, and all his bills paid right now, right? sweeeeet. wish i had that deal! you got your hands full with your own world and your kids, keep your focus there. rest of the crap is either gonna sort itself out.....or not!!! ps - watch that you might be transferring your primary frustration with AH to MIL....

08-22-2008, 12:55 PM	#17 (permalink)
StillLearning! Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 133	Callie, This can all be so darn confusing and a matter of perspective. A question to the parents of the addicts here. If your childs spouse divorces them or broke contact with your child who they have kids with. How does it feel? How does one work it out?? Another question, how do your in-laws normally handle divorces? Do they continue to have relationships with the in-laws? Do they have the skills to be able to continue relationships? The desire to? I can tell you, from experience- my family of origin. They don't... All kinds of enmeshment no boundaries and skeleton's in the closets!! Just a question, but if you look at their possible past history. How they have dealt with others divorces. That is probably what you can expect from them and their family. I think people show us by their actions.. how they treat others is probably what we too can expect..

08-22-2008, 01:11 PM	#19 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,116	oh god the stories i could tell ya about my mom with my kid!!!! like when she loaded up a picnic in the transvan and went to renee's grade school and took her out of class in the middle of the day and they went down to the beach, all without my knowledge or consent!!!! i was LIVID. however if you ask Renee about that day, she'd tell ya it was one of her favorite memories with grammy. in the GRAND scheme, if it's one night a week and it's at gramma's house, and the kid gets to stay up a bit past their bedtime.....is it THAT big a deal? i mean cuz maybe it is....you're the mom, but just like if they went to timmy's house for an overnite, there's probably slightly different rules at timmy's right? maybe they get to drink koolaid and not have to brush their teeth. i dunno, in hindsight, i guess grammas maybe should get a little slack???? my mom used to feed renee cherry tomatoes til she'd turn pink!!! she'd ask renee about the "other" grandmother, she'd btch to me ABOUT the other g-mother getting more time..... again, you're the mom callie....what are you comfortable with? you can't control every word said to your kids....at school or at grammas, or at timmy's!!! as long as they are loved and safe, try to come to a happy medium. ps - i totally respect and admire your staunch determined stand to do what is best for your children!!!! it's tough ain't it? in case nobody has said this lately, you are a TERRIFIC MOM!!!!!! Last edited by anvilhead; 08-22-2008 at 01:26 PM.*

08-22-2008, 01:42 PM	#20 (permalink)
Callie Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 482	Thanks Anvil - I guess I feel like AH's addiction is ruining the idea of the "picture perfect HEALTHY family" that I want so badly for the kids. I have to realize that I guess. It's just that I feel like I've fought this so hard for so long. I feel like I did everything humanly possible to shelter EVERYONE from his addiction. Most importantly my kids. For her to question me or my motives/parenting ability/spousal ability. Just a very hard pill to swallow. The fighter in me chooses to go after that, to stop that, to protect them from that. In reality, I don't want to alienate my twins from her. I just want the best, most healthy R possible for them. I do know that if I couldn't "fix" AH that I can't "fix" her either. She's lied to me and has been two-faced to me lately, which is a side I've never seen from her until recently. It's also something that I have ZERO tolerance for. Jealousy and control towards me for her AS is something I've caught glimpses of along the way, but have never seen until recently. I am grateful that AH is sticking up for me, but I've always been one to fight my own battles so it's very hard to let her comments slide. I know that it will fall on deaf ears with her though. Yes anvil it's tough - but thank you for tellin' it like it is. That's what I love about you girl - you shoot straight from the hip. No dancin' around. Thank you for that. Last edited by Callie; 08-22-2008 at 02:02 PM.

08-22-2008, 04:30 PM	#22 (permalink)
Callie Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 482	BTW - I totally know that I spelled meddeling wrong and I'm usually a good speller! Any english teachers out there??