"It's just one time..."

[IPT]

So...my g/f took some big steps in her recovery. Spoke a lot of words, and to my utter suprise even take an action. She regularly goes to her mothers to smoke pot (with her mom, brother, or by herself). She "wants to quit" and admitted she didn't have the willpower to not go there. She decided to give me the key so she wouldn't be tempted (but would still have access to enter if there was an emergency by just asking me for the key). Kudo's to her! Then she spent the next 4 days with me.

Sadly she beat herself up about her mistakes, and how much time she wasted, and money on doing drugs. She feels she is too old to save herself (she's 30....jezze. "Some people never get it together" I told her and 30 is nothing ). Then by Wed she called, "I am going to my Moms. I can do it. It's just one night....." Which, as you may have guessed now turned into 2 nights when she just called to tell me she wouldn't be making it over.

What is it exactly that makes addicts believe they can do that? It simply amazes me. After all their failed attempts.

I am happy to say that in large part to this community I have not failed in MY recovery. I simply pointed out to her that “one night” doesn’t work (did it?) and said okay, have a good night. I am really pretty at peace with this. It is her life and she can do with it as she pleases. If she doesn’t want to follow thru on anything she doesn’t have to. I am detached , finally (tired of wasting my energy trying to hold her to her own word). Sadly it will probably lead to the end of our relationship, but it sure beats feeling the rage, frustration, and anger I felt a month ago under similar circumstances.

Thank you all for helping me break my bondage to this beast! How strange to feel at peace, proud, and sad all at the same time. How nice to feel in control (of myself if nothing else) again!

[Impurrfect]

As an RA, whenever I said "just one time" or anything similar to that, it was because I had not accepted that I was an addict. It's overwhelming, to an addict, to think we can never do our DOC again. That's why "one day at a time" is so important.

Even when I went into recovery, after being clean for a good period of time (but not working recovery) I couldn't accept that I could never do crack (my DOC) again. I had to promise myself I'd throw myself into recovery for a year, and if I didn't like it, crack would be there. Didn't take long before I realized I didn't WANT to go down that path again.

As for you, I think you did great! Yes, it's sad to let our A's continue on the same, using, path (I did that with my XABF), but it's also a freeing feeling. When I finally accepted that the only person's behavior I can change is MINE, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[IPT]

The snowballs builds.....she didn't make it to work today. She texted me that she didn't mean to uoset me. Did she think I'd be happy to watch her make the same mistake again and again. I refrained from much of a comment besides "it's your life, your choices to make". She just texted saying she thought I was mad at her. I replied, "nope, just sad for you". Still hurts (but at least I am not all enraged and crazy ), but I am trying to step back and let go. I finally realize that IS the only choice I really have.

[Peter]

Originally Posted by IPT

I simply pointed out to her that “one night” doesn’t work (did it?) and said okay, have a good night. I am really pretty at peace with this. It is her life and she can do with it as she pleases. If she doesn’t want to follow thru on anything she doesn’t have to. I am detached , finally (tired of wasting my energy trying to hold her to her own word). Sadly it will probably lead to the end of our relationship, but it sure beats feeling the rage, frustration, and anger I felt a month ago under similar circumstances.

Wow, powerful words. Thanks.

[HopeTo180]

You're exactly right! How you have grown with such clarity. One day hopefully she will be the same as you, what a team you both will make. Until then, you understand it is her choice. Good for you! It's more permanent that way, more effective. I can only hope that when she does "come around", you will still be there to help her through it. You would be the best support for her because you will understand what she's going through. Maybe have her post here sometime. Reading her own words is a good way to "look in the mirror".

[IPT]

would love to have her posting here - or any where. As any good enabler I have given her links to a multitude of places to look, learn, and listen. As any addict not ready to recover she has not really taken advantage of any of them. Actions not words, right?

I think she still only wants to recover but isn't quite ready to do what it takes, or give up what she will have to in order to really recover (in the true sense of the word). That is also what is helping me let go some. There is juts not a lot of action being taken to show me she is ready or serious about this. It's just getting to tiring and is unfulfilling for me. Has been for a while, but by looking at reality and not just seeing what I want (and hope) to see it is clear where things really are. Sad but true.

[HopeTo180]

IPT,
Yes, I agree, if it's meant to be, it will. Stay true to yourself, no matter what happens.

[Troubledone]

IPT -

What a perfect way to handle the situation!

I relate to the whole boat load of feelings that we are left with when our addicts do things that we can see are self-destructive.

I recently had a big shock wiht my meth-addicted niece and I was struggling with so much emotion I wrote down everything that I was feeling. Angry, sad, scared, confused, disgusted (I think I listed about 10 different things). No wonder it's so hard.

It sounds like you are very realistic and non-judgmental, and have great boundaries. You are an inspiration.

Prayers that if your relationship doesn't make it, you find someone who appreciates you.

[cece1960]

IPT,
Wow...you sound strong in your resolve.
Good for you. She may get it someday, but it sounds like whether she does or not, you know what you want in life...good for you.
For what its worth, I got a taste of the addiction and its power recently when I quit smoking. I quit for four months. Then in a weak moment thought, just one here or there wouldn't hurt...I was wrong.
I'm back to having to quit again.
"Just one" are such Dangerous words.
(((Hugs)))

[IPT]

Troubledone & cece1960, thank you both for your words. Boy, if you'd of read my posts a few weeks ago you may be singing a different tune! I am not really fully sure how I got to this point. That saying I've seen on here that "you'll stay until the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving" was probably a part of it. I think I hit my bottom. It was 2+ years of a roller coaster ride, and to some extent still is. Though now I am more at peace because I feel like I am trying to control me. What a relief, I can do that successfully! I didn't realize that I was trying to control her. Honestly couldn't see it, or was able to justify it enough to make sense to me. After all I was just trying to get her to stick to decisions she made. In the end it didn't matter and just left me feelling mad, hurt, and a host of other not so nice things. I think I also believed her, and had expectations. Sadly now I just really don't beleieve her so when she says something I just don't expect it to come to fruition. Much better this way - hope I can remain in this place (though it is sad to me that I find myself at this place within a personal relationship I have tried to build and nurture) . I think I am just far enough over the line that I will be able stay here safely either until it gets better or ends

[rozied]

Sounds like you've made it to a good place. I do remember how you sounded a few wks ago & I am glad to see you are better now.
You have accepted that her words don't match her actions & you have stopped trying to hold her to them..............good going on your part.