AH just got kicked out of rehab

[Chino]

Originally Posted by Callie

I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.

No one can fight this battle for him. No one. Just him. Maybe his dad is busy trying to live instead of die from his son's addiction? Have you read any of the posts from parents here who have detached? Do you honestly think we can't be bothered?

You can't save him Callie. You can offer support and compassion but you can't save him. It isn't your job, it's his:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html (Language of Letting Go - May 13 - Property Lines)

[stillfragile]

Sorry Callie - they are ABSOLUTELY right. I didn't want to hear it either, but even though you won't believe me, you will actually make this worse for everybody if you don't set hard boundaries and keep them. Look at your posts and the time frames. Don't do a thing for a while (ie, more than a day). Tell him you have to see some real progress before you'll consider letting him live in the same house with your kids. Remember what he was doing the day before he checked in? You didn't have a clue!

The best indicator of future performance is past performance. Ask a million people who've been through this - they will say anything to get what they want! Make him show you something! I've seen people at my XAH's treatment facility who've been in and out of treatment up to 16 times. This is excruciating business and we non-addicts don't get to check out and forget from time to time. Step back and tell him you need some time and space to figure out what YOU need to do for YOU and the KIDS. Don't let him rush you. What he says is meaningless, utterly, only go by what he does.

Read what you felt like this morning - are you willing to go through it again?

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by Callie

MY AH has said that if he doesn't have me (and my family) that he chooses to be high for the rest of his life and only sober up when he sees the kids. He's now lost his job, his house, his wife, gotten himself kicked out of rehab. His family will turn their back on him (except for his extremely codie mom). What does he have to live for. That will be his mentality. I haven't even spoken with him yet.

This will be his rationalization for continuing to use.

[itisatruth]

Callie -- I haven't read the replies, only your fist post, but I wanted to check in and let you know I'm praying for you and sending hugs.

I will share this though, your AH had to leave rehab and mine can't leave. Apparently he was incoherent and had to be physically restrained. He is on a 72 hour hold and needs to be released by a doctor before he can go anywhere. And he has scrapes and bruises all over.

OH, The INSANITY!

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Callie

If I leave he has NOTHING but his codie mother. She's EXTREMELY codie. The roles between mother and son are completely reversed because AH is in control of that. Without me his entire family (except his mom) turns their back on him. My entire family turns their back on him. Does he deserve all of this -- probably yes. But that means taking my kids, ah, his family down too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.

I hope you never have to experience having a child in active addiction.

I have been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering addict, and as a recovering codie.

My oldest daughter got kicked out of rehab in less than a week because she wanted a bed and breakfast and would attend classes when she wanted to.

When I went to rehab and was finally allowed to call my parents, the first thing out of my mother's mouth was 'You don't belong there with those people'!

I did not have the support of my family when I first got clean. My husband at the time was still actively using, and 2 hours away.

The only support I got from him were phone calls threatening to kill me if I didn't leave rehab and come home.

The resources out there for an addict in recovery, including, and for me, most importantly, other recovering addict are limitless.

Someone who truly wants to get clean and change their life does not have to have family support to do it.

I am living proof.

[anvilhead]

If I leave he has NOTHING but his codie mother. just checked, the US population as of July 2007 is......301,139,947.........i believe that affords one the opportunity to fill ones life with people other than one's mother.......that's a HOOK honey...I'm all he has.....no you aren't. he's fully capable of forming adult relationships with others, to develop new friendships, new support systems, new healthy interactions. the fact that he has LIMITED his life to you and his mother is HIS choice....

keep in mind, he had NO problem finding connections to get drugs. didn't need you or mom then did he? it's a matter of what he is wiling to set his mind to......addicts have redirect the energy they put towards using towards getting clean......become consumed with recovery. nobody ever said it was easy. however countless addicts have done so......it's still HIS call.........

[marle]

Sometimes we parents have to say "enough is enough" and find a better way of life. My daughter hit her bottom when she was ready, not because of anything that I did or did not do. She is in recovery and I am very supportive. If she chooses to go back out and use, she will be on her own. I love her now and I will love her no matter what, but I won't ruin my life chasing her around and trying to make her better. That is her job. I have my own. No one but your husband is responsible for what is happening to him. When I was growing up my mother used to tell me that "you made your bed, now lie in it". In other words we are all responsible for our own behavior. Your husband will find recovery when he is ready and the only thing your being there to champion for him will do is give him someone to blame when things don't go his way. Step aside and see what he is capable of doing. You may be surprised. Hugs, Marle

[respektingme]

My stepsister is 40. Her father bailed her out time and time again. She used and dealt drugs since she was a teenager (not to mention stints involving prostitution and id theft). She finally got her act together about 5 years ago and is now a counselor in a rehab facility.

She recently told my mother she wishes her father had NOT bailed her out all those times, so that she might have experienced her bottom sooner and she could have had more time sober in her life.

Her father thought he was her savior. Despite everyone telling him he wasn't doing her any good, he fought like hell (almost lost his marriage and caused some real damage to it) to rescue her. And what did he get in the end? A thank you? Nope, just the opposite. All that time, energy and funds were for nothing. They did more damage than good, according to the very person he thought he was saving.

[Callie]

To all of the parents with AK's I apologize. I didn't mean to offend any of you. With my AH and the comment about his dad "not being bothered"- his dad has really never been there for him. I'm sorry if I touched a nerve with any of you.

Thank you so much for all of your responses and for the "in your face" truth that I desperately need. I realize that I went from "frantic" at 9 am to "it's ok, it is under control" by 10 pm. That has pretty much been my life for a while now. All the while caring for 2 kids, being buried at work, cooking dinner, doing laundry and coaching soccer.

I know you are all right - detach, detach, detach. Thank you for being there for me yesterday and please don't give up on me yet.

[marle]

Callie, We will never give up on you. It took me a long time to learn to detach from my daughter's addiction. It is progress, not perfection and you have come a long way. You will find your way. Don't give up. Keep posting and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs, Marle

[theotherone]

If we gave up on people like you...none of us would be here!

Hang in there...keep posting and take care of you.

[NeedingHelp7]

Callie, you are having "forgetters" because you talked with him yesterday. Each time I do that with my AH, I can't tell reality from lies anymore, once I'm sucked in. It's almost like a relapse you are having now, and if taken further, makes it harder to come back just like an addiction. This is what happens each time you talk to him, feeding into his " poor me's." .......Until he has some real life changing recovery, it will be the same old, same old, and you will get sicker too.

I'm sorry to be so straight forward with you right now, but I'm afraid you are relapsing into him. I see it, because I have seen it with myself many times. You don't have to do divorce today, but I would advise a legal seperation if you can afford it to keep you safe from any financial disasters, and have a safety plan for the childrens sake as well.

Huggs,
NH7

[atalose]

Callie,

Stay strong and keep posting.

[ZombieWife]

It just doesn't seem like he DOES want to be sober. I know that we all can't know the future, but the constant reiteration of, "I can't promise I won't get high tomorrow," is BS on his part. It means he's still looking for a door to use and will always look for a door to use until he's recovered both physically, mentally and spiritually.

[Chino]

Originally Posted by NeedingHelp7

Callie, you are having "forgetters" because you talked with him yesterday. Each time I do that with my AH, I can't tell reality from lies anymore, once I'm sucked in.

That used to be my daily reality. I'd get mad or scared, find all sorts of resolve, then my daughter would tell me everything I wanted to hear. I believed it because I wanted to think everything was going to be OK instead of seeing the truth.

[marle]

Callie, I talked to my daughter on her birthday, May 16. I reiterated that we would be there when she was ready for help. She told me the same thing that she had been saying for the last two year, that she was not ready. A week later she called and asked for numbers for rehab, which gave me some hope, but since she had done that before I knew not to get too excited. She called me everyday after that but still had not decided what she was going to do. On May 25th she was ready to surrender. She entered rehab on May 27th and has been clean since. What my story is meant to show you is that you never know what it will take for the addict to surrender. Losing everything was not enough for her. She had lost everything 2 years previously. She just finally had that moment of clarity that addicts speak about. The moment that she knew that she did not want to continue. That she was ready to try something different. It is not up to you to know when that will happen. I never stopped loving my daughter, I never gave up hope, but I did give up trying to control the outcome. Hugs, Marle

[Callie]

Originally Posted by NeedingHelp7

Callie, you are having "forgetters" because you talked with him yesterday. Each time I do that with my AH, I can't tell reality from lies anymore, once I'm sucked in. It's almost like a relapse you are having now, and if taken further, makes it harder to come back just like an addiction. This is what happens each time you talk to him, feeding into his " poor me's." .......Until he has some real life changing recovery, it will be the same old, same old, and you will get sicker too.

I'm sorry to be so straight forward with you right now, but I'm afraid you are relapsing into him. I see it, because I have seen it with myself many times. You don't have to do divorce today, but I would advise a legal seperation if you can afford it to keep you safe from any financial disasters, and have a safety plan for the childrens sake as well.

Wow - I never thought about it as a relapse for ME. You are right - all of you. Lightbulb statements for me NH - thank you. Don't be sorry to be in my face. I can take it, I NEED it, I WANT you to tell me straight up ANYTHING that jumps out when reading my posts. You know at this point, I'm not even thinking about my marriage. I wouldn't even consider letting him come back home or pretending like everything is all good. It's like I'm only focused on going through the motions in my life all the while fighting to keep him in recovery in his life.

AH just called a while ago and said he's called his counselor at rehab and he has a call into the director to try and get back in. I hope for his sake that he can get back in.

[Callie]

Originally Posted by laurie6781

Sorry to sound cynical, but you see I was the way your AH is for many many years before finding recovery so..........................................instea d of looking at 'his potential' and 'the person you know he can be' look at the person you have been living with, who has continued to lie to you, is this WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????

Only you can answer that. He has to want recovery FOR HIMSELF (not for you, not for the family, but for himself) more than he wants to continue to use, and only he will know when he has reached his bottom.

Another lightbulb for me. I HAVE spent 21 years "seeing the good in him, knowing it's there" but he's never shwon it consistantly at all ever. Alot of it was because of drug use, but you are right. I'm focusing on what I "know is in there". But NOT focusing on "what I'm seeing and have seen before my very eyes"

[beegee]

(((Callie)))
I am so sorry to hear your AH made the wrong choice. I know you are devastated and torn. The more I read here the more I see that no matter what we do or think the decision has nothing to do with us. It seems to all be in the addicts hands .
Over and over we read we have to let go, we have to let them fall hard. I think this is hard with my ad daughter but I am sure letting go of your husband, father of your kids is just a huge step that many here have taken here and are trying to hold your hand along the way thru this emotional hurt.

You have been there with kind words for me when I was struggling. I wish I could say something that would make you stronger and braver then you have ever been to walk tall down this road because Callie you aren't alone, not here. You have all the support you need here. (((hugs))) prayers for you all.

[Callie]

AH got ahold of the rehab director today. They said he could come back but it will be a couple of weeks before that can happen. They are trying to set an example for the patients still there and don't want them to know AH was kicked out and then allowed him back in so quickly. Not sure how long AH can last. He's done better today. I have been thinking alot about everything you all have told me in this post. I am so thankful for all of your words of wisdom. I am just emotionally and physically beat right now. Think I'll hit the sack early tonight.

[kelsh]

Hi Calli,

I was the alcoholic in my family & my husband asked me to move out if I couldn't stop drinking so I did...knowing I could drink after work & when I wanted to without the negative words toward me.

I had drank every day for four years and got drunker on the weekends. I had an episode where I couldn't get up off the floor and walk on the 4th of July. I also had a 12 year old daughter with diabetes insulin dependent. She had a special diet and I had to write everything down for the weekly visit to the doctor.

This was my bottom...it was Thursday morning & the doctor's appointment. I could not remember what I had cooked my daughter for supper the night before. I had to look in the garbage to find out.

This was so distressing to me...so I went to Mental Health that day and made an appointment...the office receptionist told me I could call before my appointment if I needed help sooner...it was a week away. I called the next night and was admitted to the local hospital for detox.

This was twenty years ago and I am still sober and take medication for my depression that was also diagnosed with my alcoholism.

I had divorced my first husband when I was too sick to even make a good decision. I regretted it but married another man & he was arrested for abusing our daughter so I divorced him and moved back to where my family was and my first husband.

We got together on the weekends and drank together...but I was drinking too much so we stopped seeing each other for a few months.

Then I was doing really good..going to college for my BA in Psychology and got a good job and got back with my first husband on weekends and then my daughter and I moved back in with him when I got a promotion so wasn't eligible for low income housing anymore.

At this time he was still drinking some so I told him when we talked about it that I did not want to move in if he was still drinking. About a month later he called me and asked me to move in and I said I wanted to talk to my daughter first....She said she wanted to and we called him back and he talked with my daughter and told her that he had quit drinking.

Now this all happened over a period of years which is too long to write. I love my life....my husband and I got re-married six years ago with our best friends as witness.

I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life...that is how I had to do it so I went to AA, got a Sponsor & worked the steps. The Serenity Prayer got me through many bad times. I hurt for you...I understand the other side and how much it hurts the spouse & the children. :ghug

I will be thinking of you...you have the power & the need to protect your self and your children...without the alcoholic putting blame on everything else to save him. He has to save himself and he is the only one that can.

Lots of hugs and peace & serenity is what I want to give to you.

kelsh