What To Do?

[awakeawake]

Hi, I am writing because I don’t know what to do.

Last year my AW got treatment in an out-patient sub program. She was doing OK for several months, but then got pregnant and had to go off sub. Then the cravings came back along with a relapse (only for a few days- but then cleaned up I think). I spent many nights and days worrying about her, the baby, etc.

About 2 months ago, she got a mild narcotic prescription from her dr (who doesn’t know the history) and started using again. I think she has stopped, but my worrying has not.

When she ran out the last time, we got into a big argument. She seems very irrational and angry at me. ½ the time she denies that she has a problem, and the other ½ she wants help. So, I started attending Nar-Anon. It turns out that my going has upset her tremendously. She feels I am betraying her.
Is going to Nar-Anon the wrong thing to do? She was only addicted to painkillers. I want her to get help, but I don’t know if she wants help. Nar-Anon seems like the right thing to do, but I don’t know anymore. She says I am blaming all my problems on the addiction (which is inactive).

I don’t know if this is the pregnancy or the cravings, or both, but I do know that I am very worried about what she will do after the baby is born. Please help. I feel that God is telling me to go to the meetings, but she says it is driving a wedge into our marriage.

[splendra]

Originally Posted by awakeawake

I feel that God is telling me to go to the meetings, but she says it is driving a wedge into our marriage.

I think doing what you feel God is telling to do is the best route. Remember God is for both of you. Meetings will help you...

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!

I think meetings are very good for you. I'm a recovering addict (and recovering codie - codependent). We addicts tend to lash out when the people closest to us make changes.

Even if she is not using, there is more to recovery from addiction than just stopping the dope. We have to learn a whole new way of dealing with life. I tried just stopping...I was angry all the time, mad that I couldn't use. Once I relapsed, I realized that I wanted to quit using and it's a whole different thing.

I'm sure pregnancy hormones are not helping, but it sounds to me like she's angry. Does SHE go to any meetings? She may NOT be ready for recovery, in which case you taking care of you is a threat to her. When we codies start taking care of ourselves, it makes it much harder on the addict to continue their behavior.

I hope you continue to go to meetings, and your wife finds help of her own. This is a wonderful place, full of some great people.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[awakeawake]

Thanks for responding so quickly. I am going to to the meeting, but why do I feel so guilty?

As for her, she is not currently going to any, but she is open to the idea. We went to one NA meeting and it was pretty hard-core... i.e. no other women, addicts in serious trouble w/the law- basically nobody she could really relate with or feel comfortable talking to.

I know she is not the only woman out there who is dealing w/this problem... I wish there was a Christian group in our area (CT) - she would be open to that, but I haven't found anything yet.

Thanks again.

[splendra]

I am sure that there would be other meetings she could attend. My city has more NA meetings than AA meetings.

Every meeting I have ever been to has pamphlets that have a schedules of other meeting thru out the city.

Some of the naranon and alanon meetings even have NA and AA meetings going on at the same time if the meetings you have been to don't have a schedule of other meetings ask where you can get one.

NA has a website and a person can click on their state and city to find a meeting. I am sure if she looked around she could find a more suitable meeting to attend. Regardless of what she does I hope you will continue to seek support.

In answer to your question about feeling guilty...I have a question for you....could you still be playing her game?

[awakeawake]

Originally Posted by splendra

In answer to your question about feeling guilty...I have a question for you....could you still be playing her game?

I must be... I just don't know how to not play. I'm having a hard time figuring out what is a game and what is not a game... I thought I knew the difference... I wish I could just stop it.

[JMFburns]

Welcome awake,
I would encourage you to continue to attend meetings for you. Continue to post here and read some of the other posts, they have been a great help to me.
Good luck,
Joan

[rozied]

Welcome to the group. Keep posting & keep reading. If Nar-Anon mtgs are helping you keep going. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Impurrfect]

Just a suggestion about meetings for her, if she really wants them. When I went to meetings, I went to AA, even though crack is my problem. I didn't discuss drugs, but could easily join in on recovery. I met some awesome people, there were many more meetings and several women's meetings. I also found there were a LOT of people there who were addicts.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lizakc]

I'm a newbie, but nar-anon and al anon have been my sanity since i started going, just 2 weeks ago but for now I go every other day. My husband also only did painkillers, but even with a prescription it got to the point that he was shooting up, the painkillers. He recently tried recovery and hasn't done so well. he has gone to meetings but acts like they are an inconvenience to him. I have continued my meetings and he is doing his own thing, whatever that is. He got upset about the meetings a bit back. that's when i realized that before he relapsed, he started showing behaviors of using before he even actually did it. i probably wouldn't have realized that without the program. I know when/if he gets upset that i'm going to meetings, in my experience, it means he's hiding something and he's afraid i'll figure it out.

[awakeawake]

Hi Everyone- thanks again for all the suggestions. I did go to a meeting tonight and of course we didn't discuss her - we all talked about how we react to people and events in our lives. I go to the meetings because I want to save our marriage, not to ruin it.

I know the addiction didn't want me to go, and I didn't expect a warm welcome when I got home. Although she says she is not, I can feel how angry she is at me for "betraying" her. If she could only realize that I am trying to do the right thing so that I can learn to live with this disease- it's ups and downs- without going insane and withouth leaving her.

Amy- Crack is not your problem. Crack is a problem. Addiction is your illness.

As for meetings for her, I can't force her to do something she is unwilling to do. I do believe she is in denial, or better stated, he addiction is blinding her. At the same time, I love her so much and know that the addiction is seperate from her. She does not = the addiciton- just as a person who has diabities does not = the disease.

The meetings help make me stronger, and to not take certain things personally- especially when they are coming from her addiction, not herself.

Thanks again, and I hope that this thread can be of use to others.

[awakeawake]

Originally Posted by lizakc

I'm a newbie, but nar-anon and al anon have been my sanity since i started going, just 2 weeks ago but for now I go every other day. My husband also only did painkillers, but even with a prescription it got to the point that he was shooting up, the painkillers. He recently tried recovery and hasn't done so well. he has gone to meetings but acts like they are an inconvenience to him. I have continued my meetings and he is doing his own thing, whatever that is. He got upset about the meetings a bit back. that's when i realized that before he relapsed, he started showing behaviors of using before he even actually did it. i probably wouldn't have realized that without the program. I know when/if he gets upset that i'm going to meetings, in my experience, it means he's hiding something and he's afraid i'll figure it out.

lizakc - Keep going to the meetings- you obviously are getting a lot of of them. Recently, they have given me sanity as well, but it so easy to get caught up in the insanity and irrationality of why I shouldn't go... the anger and punishment/resentment for getting help. Tonight, she will barely speak to me, but like everything else, that too will also pass. Tonight I will just try and relax.

What you said about him getting upset meaning that he is hiding something really rings a bell here. Also, I never thought of relapse behaviors occurring prior to the actual relapse. Thank you so much for your insight- especially considering you are a newbie, like myself.

[Impurrfect]

you're absolutely right..addiction is my problem.

As far as relapse....the one time I relapsed, I can see (in hindsight) that I was heading in that direction, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Now, thanks to recovery, I can recognize the red flags in my thinking and deal with it before it becomes a problem.

I hope things work out for you and your wife and the baby on the way. Just remember....no matter how much we love our addicts, we can't "cure" them. Life with an addict is hard..I've been on BOTH sides. I finally had to take care of me...and, for me, that meant walking away and letting the A find his own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[rozied]

Dear AwakeAwake, your last post in this thread was very good. I for one agree with everything you said.

[awakeawake]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

you're absolutely right..addiction is my problem.

As far as relapse....the one time I relapsed, I can see (in hindsight) that I was heading in that direction, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Now, thanks to recovery, I can recognize the red flags in my thinking and deal with it before it becomes a problem.

I hope things work out for you and your wife and the baby on the way. Just remember....no matter how much we love our addicts, we can't "cure" them. Life with an addict is hard..I've been on BOTH sides. I finally had to take care of me...and, for me, that meant walking away and letting the A find his own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thanks Amy- I do pray that my situation does not come to having to walk away. I actually don't consider that an option. I do know that life with an addict is hard for both... I know and have seen the pain she has/is going through, and that in itself, hurts me. I know I cannot cure this, but I do believe that God knows the way, and will lead us both there.

She is a strong believer and I know that with God's help, she will find recovery. What I need to do is have some more patience- even if it's hard. (Reminder to myself: Live is hard).

I know I cannot change her, and I am working towards not wanting to change her. I love her, but need to change myself... and in a relationship when someone changes, the entire relationship changes. I also need to work on expectations. It is pretty unreasonable to expect anyone to live-up to what I think they should be. With that said, I refuse to give up hope, even if that hope ultimately turns to pain. We all need to have some hope otherwise we have given up completely (quit). There is a difference between letting go and giving up.

[Impurrfect]

I totally agree...never give up hope!! I think you are taking a very healthy approach to this...working on YOU. I, too, had to do a lot of work on expectations. I always thought if someone loved me they should KNOW what I'm thinking. Of course, I would also get mad if they assumed I knew what THEY were thinking and would say "I failed mind-reading in nursing school!!".

That's where reading on this board has helped me so much. I see myself in a lot of other people, and I learn from them. It takes time, but it is so worth it. It helps an addict, tremendously, to have a role model...someone they look up to that can show them how to deal with life in a healthier way. Of course, I had to have a little recovery before I could appreciate that!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[rayofsunshine]

Welcome to SR Awake. Lots of good posts on this thread. Just wanted to add there is a Christian Recovery group called Celebrate Recovery. You can check their website Celebrate Recovery and see if there are any meetings in your area. And keep reading and posting. You'll get lots of knowledge and encouragement here.