Does it ever go away?

[SadlyLost]

My RABF relapsed late June/first few days of July after he had been sober 32 days. Since then, he got himself into a sober living home, started rehab and meetings and now, as of Thursday of last week, he got himself a full time job. So overall he is doing really well.

But of course, if he doesn't call me by a certain time I start worrying, and the thing about his new job is that it's in the restaurant field so he can be working later hours. On Saturday I didn't hear from him til late, and I was already starting to panic thinking, oh my god it's happening again. But he called from the sober living home like an hour later and all was well, he just worked late.

Tonight he was supposed to be off at 9:30, he doesn't have a car and works about a 40 minute bus ride from the home. He told me they may make him work later, but of course...I am already worrying.

I let him do what he has to and I continue with my life and take care of our baby, I don't call and ask if anyone knows where he is and I don't try to control it but my god, I just want to be able to not start panicking if he is late on calling. Does this worrying ever go away?

[SistersHelp]

Such a good question. I'm sort of new to all this myself so I don't have an answer, but I'll be following the replies with you and hoping for some good news. Best wishes to you.

[Ann]

Something my recovery taught me is that worry never changes the outcome, it only makes ME miserable and stressed.

What helps me is to say a prayer and just give it to God. I cannot control the actions of the universe, but I can make a choice on whether I will worry, fret and have panic attacks, or just distract myself when worry comes to visit.

Have a good book handy, take a long walk, play with the baby, or take a long relaxing bubble bath and my guess is that by finding a healthy alternative, the time will pass faster and you will sleep better at night.

Have you been to any meetings, they helped me learn 12 little steps that saved my life, literally.

Addicts use or don`t use regardless of what we do. The best path for us is to keep our balance through working our program of recovery and letting them find their own way.

Hugs

[Chino]

The odds of devastating things that can happen in my world on any given day aren't exactly in my favor. My husband and son could die or be seriously maimed in a construction accident today. They could be in a devastating wreck to and from the drive to work. My mother might be assaulted or worse by one of her mentally ill clients at the homeless shelter she works at. My daughter might slide all the way into relapse today. My alcoholic stepmother might fall off the wagon again and this time bleed to death when she falls; last time she laid there unconscious in a pool of blood for one whole day. I might fall down my spiral staircase again and this time break my neck. The dog next door might catch my cat today.

Originally Posted by Ann

What helps me is to say a prayer and just give it to God. I cannot control the actions of the universe, but I can make a choice on whether I will worry, fret and have panic attacks, or just distract myself when worry comes to visit.

Amen, Ann, amen.

[BBD]

I don't think worry ever goes away. It's having the tools to do something constructive with that worry. I'm working on that so often Lately and sometimes I can handle the anxiousness my head feeds to my body. This support group is the best!!!!!!! so keep reading. It's whats helping me deal lately. Smiles, Bonnie

[anvilhead]

worry is one of the key symptoms of the codependent.....its the natural instinct to be aware and conscious of one's surroundings taken to another level. back in the day when we wandered out of the cave to go pick berries, we had to be mindful of getting run over by the wooly mammoth or eaten by the saber tooth tiger. we also knew if the man with the club didn't come back from hunting, he was probably dead and we would probably starve. food, shelter, warmth, a place to sleep - those are our most basic needs.

what's happened over time (i think) is that we have gotten those needs and how to fulfill them all mixed up. we identify our other half as the symbol of our security. we put it all on them - if you're ok, then i'm ok. and if you are NOT ok, then i'm really really really not ok. it's like they have become our canary in the coal mine....if i can't fix, cure or change YOU, then i'm toast!!!

the more we focus on being OK no matter what anybody does, the less worry we will have about them. just as the more sound our own financial picture, the less we will stress and worry in hard times. the better i take care of my health, the less worry i have over illness.

OUR boundaries help us be ok. our acceptance that others are going to do what others are going to do and there ain't one dang thing we can do about it, the more freedom we have just granted ourselves.

is any of it EASY? oh hell no. either that we we are a bunch of REAL S L O W learners!!!! it's ok tho, just keep practicing, just keep hauling out those recovery tools and using em........

[IPT]

I really like what anvilhead wrote. I am struggling a lot with the codie thing. Never realized I was one. My addiciton to my g/f is probably as bad as her addiction to pot. I am envious of people who get there. I just don't know how people get to that place where they are not fearful of the failures or people not following thru. From reading here though it seems like people do get there. I understand your worries. Recently someone told me I was attaching my ego and selfworth to my partners actions. If they did good, I was ok, if not, I failed in some way and was not good enough or worthy. Obviously this is occuring unconsciously on my part and in reality not the case at all. Detachment has thus far elluded me too but I am becoming more and more aware of things spending time here. Best of luck!

[SadlyLost]

To be perfectly honest, I am not attaching my self worth or anything like that to him. I'm a new (-ish, she'll be one in a month!) mom and he really is the only man I have truly loved. Letting him go to work on himself has been hard but I have to do what's best for me and my child. I have a good job that I am thankful for (in this economy especially) and that I am good at. I have great friends and family who support me and I have started to go out with old friends. That being said, I love him, and when you love someone isn't it natural to worry about their well being?

I just panic cause it's all too familiar of when he disappeared before. He was fine by the way, worked a little later and passed out on the couch of his home. It's just hard to have stuff like that happen and not assume the worst right off the bat.

[Chino]

Assuming the worst and panicking over it have recently become two different things in my world. I've read it here a few times: expect the worst and hope, pray for the best. By expecting bad stuff will happen, I'm no longer blindsided when it does. It also gives me a deeper gratitude for all the good times.

I've started thinking a lot about all the military spouses out there, law enforcement, etc. The odds of terrible things happening are really high and they have to find a way to overcome panic or it will ruin their lives, families. Some of them simply cannot do it and they get divorced. Whatever works for their peace of mind.

[cece]

[...that worry never changes the outcome, it only makes ME miserable and stressed.]( Ann)

[ ...if you're OK, then I'm OK. and if you are NOT OK, then I'm really really really not OK. it's like they have become our canary in the coal mine....if i can't fix, cure or change YOU, then I'm toast!!! ] ( anvil)

these are my biggest obstacles to recovery. I am a worrier. I always have been. And yes worry can seem like a normal part of a loving relationship because it stems from caring about someone we love's welfare. the problem comes into play in how we worry, how much we worry and how it can affect out actions and in my case control my thoughts and life even for a small moment.
I have a pattern in my worrying that starts small, usually when he doesn't answer the phone. It's a slight annoyance that turns into worry and then fear/panic as the time stretches longer into days. If I am handling it in a healthy way. I call, get no answer, leave a message, turn it over to my HP, pray for a safe answer, ..again and again... as it is needed ,to keep me out of the panic mode.
And you are right. The reason we go there is because some of worst of our fears have come true.
BUT... when I let this worry and fear keep me from living my own life I am not helping anyone.
Instead I force myself ( sometimes much easier than others) to remember the words quoted about worry and fear from Ann and Anvil, and then my life can continue peacefully, and I am healthier, even if the addict isn't.

[MrsMagoo]

If it walks like a duck and if it sounds like a duck.....

This hasn't worked for me but maybe if you two are good at communicating, he will understand that you just need a little reassurance right now because when you see behaviour that reminds you of the past, you tend to worry.

Keep in mind too girl - your hormones are nowhere near normal so try to keep things in perspective. If he's at a sober-living home, he is accountable and he's trying.

Congratulations by the way. Smile - you have such a blessing in your arms!!!

[Frog_2hop]

The first time my husband when through rehab...I thought the issue had been dealt with so I had no right to question and worry so I held it all in. I probably don't have to tell you that didn't work out so well for me.

Anyway since then I've learned that because addiction is a family disease my lingering worry and suspicions were because I hadn't done MY part to heal MYSELF.

It is kind of a weird thing to explain, but once your healed there is a huge 'aha' of the difference. There is always a chance that they may relapse but if you find yourself focused on it, worried about it, questioning it...you might have some healing left to do on yourself.

If there are true signs that use is happening again, by all means you need to confront it. I think the defining difference for me was that if it wasn't something that needed action - why am I bothering my emotions with it. If he does something that 'looks like a duck' then treat it like a duck, don't just worry about whether it is a duck or not. Wow, that probably made no sense.

[MrsMagoo]

Yes, that actually did make sense.

I watch for it. I can't be "taken" again. Well, I won't is more like it. The cycle has to end and it will probably end with me - not with him. That probably doesn't make an sense. Ha, ha.

[Frog_2hop]

I think that is one thing that is wonderful about forums like this is that things that wouldn't normally make sense DO .... because if you've been through it, you 'get it'.

[rose]

Well if there was a leader in the pack for Worrying about the unknown that would be me....but I can sure say that it has not got me to far. My husband was the addict in my life, but has not been around in a few years now. I know longer have to worry what he is doing or where he is at. I know I need so type of counciling, as I still live life just waiting for a shoe to drop...

Rose