Do I stay or do I leave? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

11d · 07-18-2008, 06:19 AM

Just came back from beach vacation with RAH and kids. While we were there, I really took the opportunity to watch him with the kids. I noticed the kids: 14, 12, and 8, really stayed away from him. When he asked what they were doing or going, they wouldn't say much. They would leave the room when he came in. 14 year old (Sam) stayed in the condo the whole time

! At one point, Sam and his dad had words. Yes, Sam needed to be corrected, BUT RAH became OVERLY angry and went overboard. It is like my RAH becomes so angry that he scares me. THis is not the first time. I can tell that Sam is getting further and further away from him. THey use to be VERY close. and since RAH started IV use, about 2 years ago, the relationship is strained. ALL of our relationships with him is strained.

I tried to talk to RAH and tell him how I feel: scared, distant, and just plain feel that he doesn't love me. I have been holding back since he came out of recovery because he told me he wasnt' ready to work on us. I really tried to give him the time for recovery time. BUT I cannot take this anymore. My husband left me emotionally,....6 years ago when the drugs started. We have no intimacy, just isolation. I told him that I needed to know if he loved and was in love with me. He said there was alot of water under the bridge b/w us and he didn't know how he feels. He said he had alot of resentments toward me that he was working on! LIke WTF! I told him that anger turns into resentment if they go unexpressed.

He feels that I always compare him to my father! WHo was the best! I came from a close loving family! His was alcoholic and very dysfunctional. I told him I never did. That I may speak of things from my childhood b/c that is all I have.....

He still does not answer my questions. I told him that he has never came clean about the drugs and alcohol and the questions I had or if there was any affairs. I told him I needed answers for me to move on. I have always felt this way. I told him that I needed closure. And that I loved him. BUt I cannot stuff my feelings in any more. I cannot watch as my kids resent him and then resent me for allowing it. They look toward me and say "Make him stop" when the yelling begins with Sam.

I spoke with friends. They said RAH was always selfish and an a##hole. I always looked at the positive. They think maybe I just see him different and have changed. Maybe I have.

I reread CO-Dep. NO More at the beach! I have a new strange peace. I really don't want to be with him now. I can say that! Am I selfish for not allowing him time for recovery? He came out Dec. 6, 2007. He has been home 7 months! Still no intimacy or happiness. The isolation and no talking I cannot take it any more. I want my life and I want to smile and be able to express who I am. I want MY friends. I am tired of the eggshells. Am I wrong to place all my cards on the table? and tell him what I need. Is it too soon? Is this selfish? How long do you give the addict time for recovery and all the changes that need to be made? No big changes for 1 year. That is what they say, but I think I need to talk. I now need to be me and express me. I am tired of stuffing it in. Will my kids, who still don't know he is an addict!! hate me for leaving? I know at first it will be hard especially for my 12 year old daught and 8 year old son. He is trying to work his program and go meeting, reading, sponsors,..... Do I give him more time? I have started to do my own thing now. It just feels good without him

.

Sorry for go on and on.....Thanks for listening!

ladyamalthea · 07-18-2008, 06:29 AM

Sounds to me like you've already got it figured out

If I were you, I would go with my instincts on this one. I don't think you're being selfish at all. You and the kids don't deserve to be subjected to his behavior. And what in the world does he mean when he says he's not ready to work on your relationship? As if he expects you to just sit around and let him treat you like crap??? It sounds to me like he's the one being selfish.

Lynette57 · 07-18-2008, 07:58 AM

If the kids are suffering emotionally, they might resent you later for being there.
Life is too short to not try to have some peace and happiness for you and your children.

mooselips · 07-18-2008, 09:35 AM

11d,
He's playing the blame game, that's all.
You have every right to be happy, and serene, and if that means going your own way, then so be it.

You can already see the issues the children are having. I think you already know how you feel, now make a plan...and little by little start living YOUR life.

And remember this one important thing. NO GUILT! Everyone desreves all the happiness they can round up.

Hugs...

anvilhead · 07-18-2008, 09:57 AM

to thine ownself be true

11d · 07-18-2008, 10:46 AM

I just told my RAH what I needed. I need someone to love me, laugh with me, share intimacy with, be happy with, support me when I am sad, afraid,... someone who I can be myself with, someone who my kids can be kids with,...I asked him again if he loved me and all he said is that he is so detached and can't feel right now. He has been out of rehab 7 months and 9 months clean and sober. I think he has stuffed so much inside, that he is afraid to express his anger and feelings. I gave him 3 choices: get a seperation, go to marriage counseling, or for him to see a GOOD therapist. I told him I would give him a little more time if he gets back to a therapist to work on his feelings. He just said he didn't know. That he is focused on himself and staying clean. BUT our marriage is going down the drain. I don't understand him. I feel that I am abandoning him, that he is truly sick and I am abandoning him. I know I can't keep going with someone who is emotionally stuck. He is so messed up. He asked me where I wanted him to go. I told him that was his decision. He is responsible for his relationship with his kids and his life. I cannot be part of that. Whether we are together or not, he is responsible for his relationships. He left for a meeting. and that is how it ended.

Is he truly emotionally and spiritually sick? Am I abandoning him? Why is he so detached from all feelings?

Chino · 07-18-2008, 10:57 AM

It took him six years to get to this point but where was he before that? You said your friends don't have a very good opinion of him but did they know him before the addiction and for how long?

I ask because recovery doesn't always mean a better person than what they were before.

krhea75 · 07-18-2008, 04:45 PM

I think you are doing the right thing suggesting more counseling. If he won't go to marital counseling, you could go talk to someone who will help you work through your feelings. Divorce is not a piece of cake either. I have been divorce 4 years and my boys were 18 and 14 at the time. It has been extremely hard on them. My youngest discovered his addiction because of it. Not that this will happen to you. My boys had to deal with the knowledge that their dad was gay.

All I 'm saying is make sure it's for the best. I am in a much better place now and am very happy being single. But it has reeked havoc on my kids. They will be stronger better people because of this I'm sure.

There is no easy answer. Good luck in figuring things out.
krhea

imallright · 07-18-2008, 07:48 PM

You are not abandoning him, you are drawing some lines and boundaries to protect you. You deserve to be at peace and happy. You also need to take care of you and the kids. You gave him options for living with you that made sense to you. That's ok. Stick to it and stay focused. You sound like a strong woman. Follow your gut and your heart... you will be ok. Stay strong and know that we are here for you!!!!

itisatruth · 07-19-2008, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imallright

You are not abandoning him, you are drawing some lines and boundaries to protect you. You deserve to be at peace and happy. You also need to take care of you and the kids. You gave him options for living with you that made sense to you. That's ok. Stick to it and stay focused. You sound like a strong woman. Follow your gut and your heart... you will be ok. Stay strong and know that we are here for you!!!!

Couldn't have said it better myself. We all have to do what we can given our circumstances, you are doing exactly what you need to do.....you are learning more about yourself and what you need from your partner in life. I am glad you told him what you need; you are not being selfish, you are being realistic and honest.

Hugs --

11d · 07-20-2008, 09:50 AM

Friends that say he is an ass knew him before me, when he was in high school. and 1st year out. Then he left for college and I met him there and we started dating about 2 years after that. We were happy and he was fine until we moved back to his home town and live a few houses down from his family. They are so different and dysfunctional. He started using about 2 years after we were there. I never wanted to move there! But agreed with his promise of leaving if I never was happy. He totally changed there.

He has asked for more time. He told me last night he was getting back into personal therapy and I have decided to go back to work and live my life. I have told him that I was not going to accept this way of life. Maybe this will buy me more time to save some money.

Thank you for listening and giving me your thoughts. It is so amazing to feel the comfort at this computer screen from those that are walking or have walked the same path. I cherish the friends that I have made here. Thank YOU!

Frog_2hop · 07-20-2008, 10:27 AM

Couple thought I want to share after reading your posts.... first it takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship. After the first time my husband when through rehab and was on the long quest to get his life back together I was patient and supported him all I could. I forgot about me. I thought the pain I was having was going to heal with time, but I was wrong. There was healing I needed to do, not just forgiving and forgetting. I struggled to leave because I too thought it wasn't fair to him when he was trying. I stuck around for 8 more years after his first bout of rehab. He was clean for about 2 years of that time. Each episode that was bad enough to 'leave' I was in survival mode. When things calmed down enough to have the strength to go, he was calmed down so how could I leave. I finally realized that it wasn't about him. I needed to get out of the setting for me, not as a consequence to him. I decided to separated almost 3 years ago. My plan was to heal. He wanted to heal together. I said I can't...his addiction pulls me into survival mode, not healing. I told him to put his energy into healing himself and I'll do the same, then when we are both healthy people we'll heal our relationship. Well, in that three years, I have made much growth and he has gone down hill...fast. Our separation has moved into divorce because of the awful things his addiction can still do to me and the kids through open papers. I still hope he gets better, for his sake, but now my life isn't dependent on his choice.
The other thing I would like to point out is comments about what type of relationship you want as a base for leaving. In my opinion, I felt I needed to leave with the realization that I may never have another relationship....I cannot leave to find another because I felt that would be setting myself up to go from one relationship to another. I left knowing my only goal was to become a healthy person - then whatever my HP has planned for me was up to Him. That didn't come out right but I don't know how else to say it...did it make sense?

11d · 07-21-2008, 07:07 AM

Is this how recovery works for them? Do they detach and then get it together? Why do they detach? Some talk about the amazing feelings they feel. I understand being scared and frightened. I can understand being afraid of the pain. BUT he will never feel the wonderful feeling of love and happiness unless you allow yourself to feel. Then build upon that. Completely shutting down your feelings with spouse and kids, knowing that they stuck it out with you....why can't he try?

Abundance · 07-21-2008, 08:04 PM

Frog ...... that totally made sense!

11d.... no one really knows why he is detaching..... only he does. As much as you want to figure him out and make a plan for you all and see how long you can wait for him to re-attach.... the important first step....... is going be all about you!

The first step is for you to detach from his situation and totally attach to you. Your kids need you... they need their dad too.... but he is not available - so that puts you even more so in the drivers seat! Once you start focusing on your joys... and what it is that you want for yourself... things will start to unfold.

Try this out.... spend a few days just thinking about what you are going to do for you! not for him ... but for you!!!!! Then let me know how you are feeling! If a little bit of how you are feeling right now has changed? It works... but you have to take that first step!

corazondefuego · 07-22-2008, 12:26 AM

11d, hello i have been reading this thread thinking how hard this must be for you. I am an addict in recovery 30 plus days sober(not my first merry-go-round but definitely my last). Every single day, many times a day I tell my gf ( together 3 yrs) and kids how much I love and care about them. I can't imagine being with someone for 7 months w/o hearing the words I LOVE YOU- it would be utter torture!!!
You have done more than enough already. You have given him plenty of time. You and your kids deserve and need love and affection. period! No ifs ands or buts about it!
I can only speak for myself, but the whole detachment thing sounds like BS. I attend at least one meeting a day. I have never once heard any addict talk about detachment or that part of their recovery is emotional alienation. I'm sorry but if people in your life are important to you-tell them. He is using it as some kind of crutch. I could understand if for the first few weeks he acted strange that would be normal. It does take a little bit of time to get used to being sober and we do react to situations differently. But 7 MONTHS? I know recovery is different for everybody. I truly believe that. Nonetheless, if he is really working a program, he should be getting better; not staying the same. You and your children should be your main priority. You sound like a very strong person. Good Luck.

07-18-2008, 06:19 AM	#1 (permalink)
11d Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Louisiana Posts: 94	Do I stay or do I leave? Just came back from beach vacation with RAH and kids. While we were there, I really took the opportunity to watch him with the kids. I noticed the kids: 14, 12, and 8, really stayed away from him. When he asked what they were doing or going, they wouldn't say much. They would leave the room when he came in. 14 year old (Sam) stayed in the condo the whole time ! At one point, Sam and his dad had words. Yes, Sam needed to be corrected, BUT RAH became OVERLY angry and went overboard. It is like my RAH becomes so angry that he scares me. THis is not the first time. I can tell that Sam is getting further and further away from him. THey use to be VERY close. and since RAH started IV use, about 2 years ago, the relationship is strained. ALL of our relationships with him is strained. I tried to talk to RAH and tell him how I feel: scared, distant, and just plain feel that he doesn't love me. I have been holding back since he came out of recovery because he told me he wasnt' ready to work on us. I really tried to give him the time for recovery time. BUT I cannot take this anymore. My husband left me emotionally,....6 years ago when the drugs started. We have no intimacy, just isolation. I told him that I needed to know if he loved and was in love with me. He said there was alot of water under the bridge b/w us and he didn't know how he feels. He said he had alot of resentments toward me that he was working on! LIke WTF! I told him that anger turns into resentment if they go unexpressed. He feels that I always compare him to my father! WHo was the best! I came from a close loving family! His was alcoholic and very dysfunctional. I told him I never did. That I may speak of things from my childhood b/c that is all I have..... He still does not answer my questions. I told him that he has never came clean about the drugs and alcohol and the questions I had or if there was any affairs. I told him I needed answers for me to move on. I have always felt this way. I told him that I needed closure. And that I loved him. BUt I cannot stuff my feelings in any more. I cannot watch as my kids resent him and then resent me for allowing it. They look toward me and say "Make him stop" when the yelling begins with Sam. I spoke with friends. They said RAH was always selfish and an a##hole. I always looked at the positive. They think maybe I just see him different and have changed. Maybe I have. I reread CO-Dep. NO More at the beach! I have a new strange peace. I really don't want to be with him now. I can say that! Am I selfish for not allowing him time for recovery? He came out Dec. 6, 2007. He has been home 7 months! Still no intimacy or happiness. The isolation and no talking I cannot take it any more. I want my life and I want to smile and be able to express who I am. I want MY friends. I am tired of the eggshells. Am I wrong to place all my cards on the table? and tell him what I need. Is it too soon? Is this selfish? How long do you give the addict time for recovery and all the changes that need to be made? No big changes for 1 year. That is what they say, but I think I need to talk. I now need to be me and express me. I am tired of stuffing it in. Will my kids, who still don't know he is an addict!! hate me for leaving? I know at first it will be hard especially for my 12 year old daught and 8 year old son. He is trying to work his program and go meeting, reading, sponsors,..... Do I give him more time? I have started to do my own thing now. It just feels good without him . Sorry for go on and on.....Thanks for listening!

07-18-2008, 06:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
ladyamalthea Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: My House Posts: 839	Sounds to me like you've already got it figured out If I were you, I would go with my instincts on this one. I don't think you're being selfish at all. You and the kids don't deserve to be subjected to his behavior. And what in the world does he mean when he says he's not ready to work on your relationship? As if he expects you to just sit around and let him treat you like crap??? It sounds to me like he's the one being selfish.
	__________________ I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone. ~ OA

07-18-2008, 09:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
mooselips jujubee Queen Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,539	11d, He's playing the blame game, that's all. You have every right to be happy, and serene, and if that means going your own way, then so be it. You can already see the issues the children are having. I think you already know how you feel, now make a plan...and little by little start living YOUR life. And remember this one important thing. NO GUILT! Everyone desreves all the happiness they can round up. Hugs...
	__________________ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Diane

07-18-2008, 09:57 AM	#5 (permalink)
anvilhead in between Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 6,791	to thine ownself be true
anvilhead in between Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 6,791

07-20-2008, 10:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
Frog_2hop Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Almost 'me' again Posts: 101	Couple thought I want to share after reading your posts.... first it takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship. After the first time my husband when through rehab and was on the long quest to get his life back together I was patient and supported him all I could. I forgot about me. I thought the pain I was having was going to heal with time, but I was wrong. There was healing I needed to do, not just forgiving and forgetting. I struggled to leave because I too thought it wasn't fair to him when he was trying. I stuck around for 8 more years after his first bout of rehab. He was clean for about 2 years of that time. Each episode that was bad enough to 'leave' I was in survival mode. When things calmed down enough to have the strength to go, he was calmed down so how could I leave. I finally realized that it wasn't about him. I needed to get out of the setting for me, not as a consequence to him. I decided to separated almost 3 years ago. My plan was to heal. He wanted to heal together. I said I can't...his addiction pulls me into survival mode, not healing. I told him to put his energy into healing himself and I'll do the same, then when we are both healthy people we'll heal our relationship. Well, in that three years, I have made much growth and he has gone down hill...fast. Our separation has moved into divorce because of the awful things his addiction can still do to me and the kids through open papers. I still hope he gets better, for his sake, but now my life isn't dependent on his choice. The other thing I would like to point out is comments about what type of relationship you want as a base for leaving. In my opinion, I felt I needed to leave with the realization that I may never have another relationship....I cannot leave to find another because I felt that would be setting myself up to go from one relationship to another. I left knowing my only goal was to become a healthy person - then whatever my HP has planned for me was up to Him. That didn't come out right but I don't know how else to say it...did it make sense?
	__________________ Where two or more are gathered.....

07-18-2008, 07:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
Lynette57 Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Layton, Utah Posts: 48	If the kids are suffering emotionally, they might resent you later for being there. Life is too short to not try to have some peace and happiness for you and your children.

07-18-2008, 10:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
11d Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Louisiana Posts: 94	I just told my RAH what I needed. I need someone to love me, laugh with me, share intimacy with, be happy with, support me when I am sad, afraid,... someone who I can be myself with, someone who my kids can be kids with,...I asked him again if he loved me and all he said is that he is so detached and can't feel right now. He has been out of rehab 7 months and 9 months clean and sober. I think he has stuffed so much inside, that he is afraid to express his anger and feelings. I gave him 3 choices: get a seperation, go to marriage counseling, or for him to see a GOOD therapist. I told him I would give him a little more time if he gets back to a therapist to work on his feelings. He just said he didn't know. That he is focused on himself and staying clean. BUT our marriage is going down the drain. I don't understand him. I feel that I am abandoning him, that he is truly sick and I am abandoning him. I know I can't keep going with someone who is emotionally stuck. He is so messed up. He asked me where I wanted him to go. I told him that was his decision. He is responsible for his relationship with his kids and his life. I cannot be part of that. Whether we are together or not, he is responsible for his relationships. He left for a meeting. and that is how it ended. Is he truly emotionally and spiritually sick? Am I abandoning him? Why is he so detached from all feelings?

07-18-2008, 10:57 AM	#7 (permalink)
Chino Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: In a good place Posts: 566	It took him six years to get to this point but where was he before that? You said your friends don't have a very good opinion of him but did they know him before the addiction and for how long? I ask because recovery doesn't always mean a better person than what they were before.

07-18-2008, 04:45 PM	#8 (permalink)
krhea75 krhea75 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: macomb, il Posts: 541	I think you are doing the right thing suggesting more counseling. If he won't go to marital counseling, you could go talk to someone who will help you work through your feelings. Divorce is not a piece of cake either. I have been divorce 4 years and my boys were 18 and 14 at the time. It has been extremely hard on them. My youngest discovered his addiction because of it. Not that this will happen to you. My boys had to deal with the knowledge that their dad was gay. All I 'm saying is make sure it's for the best. I am in a much better place now and am very happy being single. But it has reeked havoc on my kids. They will be stronger better people because of this I'm sure. There is no easy answer. Good luck in figuring things out. krhea

07-18-2008, 07:48 PM	#9 (permalink)
imallright Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 290	You are not abandoning him, you are drawing some lines and boundaries to protect you. You deserve to be at peace and happy. You also need to take care of you and the kids. You gave him options for living with you that made sense to you. That's ok. Stick to it and stay focused. You sound like a strong woman. Follow your gut and your heart... you will be ok. Stay strong and know that we are here for you!!!!

07-20-2008, 09:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
11d Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Louisiana Posts: 94	Friends that say he is an ass knew him before me, when he was in high school. and 1st year out. Then he left for college and I met him there and we started dating about 2 years after that. We were happy and he was fine until we moved back to his home town and live a few houses down from his family. They are so different and dysfunctional. He started using about 2 years after we were there. I never wanted to move there! But agreed with his promise of leaving if I never was happy. He totally changed there. He has asked for more time. He told me last night he was getting back into personal therapy and I have decided to go back to work and live my life. I have told him that I was not going to accept this way of life. Maybe this will buy me more time to save some money. Thank you for listening and giving me your thoughts. It is so amazing to feel the comfort at this computer screen from those that are walking or have walked the same path. I cherish the friends that I have made here. Thank YOU!

07-21-2008, 07:07 AM	#13 (permalink)
11d Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Louisiana Posts: 94	Is this how recovery works for them? Do they detach and then get it together? Why do they detach? Some talk about the amazing feelings they feel. I understand being scared and frightened. I can understand being afraid of the pain. BUT he will never feel the wonderful feeling of love and happiness unless you allow yourself to feel. Then build upon that. Completely shutting down your feelings with spouse and kids, knowing that they stuck it out with you....why can't he try?

07-22-2008, 12:26 AM	#15 (permalink)
corazondefuego Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: tyler texas Posts: 7	11d, hello i have been reading this thread thinking how hard this must be for you. I am an addict in recovery 30 plus days sober(not my first merry-go-round but definitely my last). Every single day, many times a day I tell my gf ( together 3 yrs) and kids how much I love and care about them. I can't imagine being with someone for 7 months w/o hearing the words I LOVE YOU- it would be utter torture!!! You have done more than enough already. You have given him plenty of time. You and your kids deserve and need love and affection. period! No ifs ands or buts about it! I can only speak for myself, but the whole detachment thing sounds like BS. I attend at least one meeting a day. I have never once heard any addict talk about detachment or that part of their recovery is emotional alienation. I'm sorry but if people in your life are important to you-tell them. He is using it as some kind of crutch. I could understand if for the first few weeks he acted strange that would be normal. It does take a little bit of time to get used to being sober and we do react to situations differently. But 7 MONTHS? I know recovery is different for everybody. I truly believe that. Nonetheless, if he is really working a program, he should be getting better; not staying the same. You and your children should be your main priority. You sound like a very strong person. Good Luck.