Fighting for Custody - Page 4 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SistersHelp · 08-11-2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LogCabin

It was the other adults in my life that made me feel wanted. And I was desperate to feel wanted, and a part of something. My Grandpa was wonderful...and I learned how to be a good parent from him. And I had an aunt who was very loving and close to me too. There are teachers and others who gave me guidance, and support.

You, and your husband are shining stars in her eyes. I am sure.

Thank you so much for those kind words. That's exactly what I want for her, to feel wanted and adored, no matter where she ends up. I'm frightened, of course, that if she is returned to her mother after an ugly court battle that we won't be allowed to see her again or be able to provide that kind of love and support for her anymore. But whatever happens, I hope she can feel how much we love her and take that with here wherever she goes.

SistersHelp · 08-12-2008, 01:21 PM

My sister called this morning to tell me she can't find another rehab centre to take her (she's been kicked out of this one as of the end of the month) and now she wants to try and find a supported living facility that will allow her to live with her daughter in the home.

I guess this is a better option than returning her daughter to her to just live in their own place with no one checking on them... but the idea of a little girl living in a place like that bothers me. Based on what I saw at the rehab home, these women have no concept of what is appropriate for children to be exposed to and what isn't. It troubles me to think of her living in a place like that.

My sister was also talking big about how she would have her daughter back in a snap once the judge heard her case... made me sick to think she might be right. But what can I do? Nothing. She keeps telling me that the advisors at legal aid tell her she's going to win this fight hands down... and I have no way of knowing if she's telling me the truth or if she's just trying to scare me (which she often does).

We are meeting with our lawyer tomorrow. Hoping hoping hoping for some encouraging words there.

SistersHelp · 08-12-2008, 08:19 PM

More drama.

My sister has been kicked out of this rehab centre (i.e. she no longer has until the end of the month -- she was kicked out effective immediately) because she was caught double-doctoring and picking up prescriptions at several pharmacies. They also think she's been giving her drugs to other women in the centre.

The workers at her current rehab centre have dropped her off at the Salvation Army and she has been calling me from there asking me to come and get her and take her to another centre.

We've decided not to.

Ugh, that's hard to do. Really really hard.

The workers also told me that she has taken off with 100 OxyContin pills in her possession and that they suspect she may suicide.

What are we going to tell her daughter if this happens?

I'm kind of numb. I'm at a point where I feel that if my sister died I wouldn't even be losing my sister because I don't know this person she has become. But her daughter loves her so much. I don't want to be a doom-monger... but I want to be prepared to talk to her daughter about this if it happens.

Anyone have experience with this? Please help if you do. Or even if you just have ideas.

lostparent · 08-12-2008, 09:13 PM

As hard as it was I'm glad you didn't go get her. Your doing a great thing trying to protect her daughter. I have no advice if worse comes to worse an she does kill herself except tell her the truth as nicely as possible. Sending prayers that you get custody.

SistersHelp · 08-12-2008, 10:24 PM

Thank you, lostparent. It's really hard not to help but I have to remind myself that helping my sister could be hurting her daughter. We're going to the lawyer tomorrow. I hope the lawyer is helpful.

*

My sister gave my phone number to some strange man who just phoned the house to tell me that my sister got shafted at her recovery house, that the people who work there are all awful people who lie about everything and he wanted me to come and get my sister and take her to another recovery house.

When I asked him who he was he said he is from AA and that he drives many of the girls at the recovery centre to meetings. He says he's listened to them talk for a long time and he knows everything about the recovery centre.

I feel like I have to trust the people at the recovery house over this unknown man.

My sister is really good at making things hard.

stillfragile · 08-12-2008, 10:52 PM

I just read all four of your pages and you just can't catch a break can you? Wow! You're doing great in a terrible situation though. When you're not sure what to do, don't do anything. What a lucky little girl to have such a caring auntie!

Quit worrying about your sister (it's like thinking God can't do his job) and focus on what you CAN control. What's inside your house right now (xcept the cat). I'll send a prayer for you, that HP guides your meeting.

SistersHelp · 08-13-2008, 12:19 AM

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I often don't feel like I'm doing very well with all of this, but like you said, focusing on what I can control does help. Heehee, and you're right about that cat! He's quite the little devil.

I appreciate your kindness and your prayers too.

SistersHelp · 08-13-2008, 05:35 PM

The lawyer meeting wasn't terribly productive although I think she was really smart and on the ball. She says that my niece isn't yet a legal resident of this province (because she just moved here to be with us) and that this case will have to be heard back in her province of origin. So now we have to get my parents, her grandparents, to apply for legal custody back there and then designate custody to us after that's resolved. The most encouraging part of this was that the lawyer seemed moderately positive that the case would be pretty easy to settle in court and that the judge would act in the little one's best interest in keeping her put where she is.

So, more hoop jumping. I'm getting some really good hoop-jumping muscles.

***Impurrfect*** · 08-14-2008, 02:40 AM

Sorry, I haven't been here..went to court yesterday, was exhausted and just woke up (at 3a.m.!)

I posted on your other thread, but wanted to tell you, again, how I think you are just AWESOME!! When you're sister says she can get her daughter back "in a snap", she is simply trying to convince herself of that and trying to push your buttons. It's all talk, and we know that talk doesn't mean diddly when it comes from an addict...it's ACTIONS that speak.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp · 08-19-2008, 10:39 PM

Hmm... it seems that detaching from her has resulted in me detaching from *here*. I haven't had as much to say lately since I've been trying to stay somewhat uninvolved.

My sister has been in Ultra-Reasonable Mode for about a week now, following her move to another centre. I am not sure if her time staying at the Salvation Army scared the crap out of her and she really wants to change now, or if this is the honeymoon phase that has followed each move to a new centre. In either case, I am keeping my distance and letting her do her thing, good or bad.

She is stating an interest in coming off OxyContin, something she hasn't been too cooperative about for the last two months living in various recovery homes. She says she has traded in 5 of her 20mg tablets (out of a total of 16 per day) for one tablet of time release morphine. Knowing very little about these meds, I have no idea if this is progress or a good thing... but she seems very pleased with herself. So I hope it really is a good thing.

The confusion around where to try a custody case is still going on as we have not had much luck getting ahold of the lawyer in the other province... but I'm trying to stay focused on looking after the little one and not worrying too much about my sister one way or the other.

***hope213*** · 08-20-2008, 06:22 AM

prayers for you, your sister & those kids. they are blessed to have you. take it one day at a time.

WishIWasNormal · 08-20-2008, 07:48 AM

Sounds like you're doing everything right. I think Kitty will settle down when her furry mind figures out the household routine. You'll be the All American Family: Child, hamster, kitty and pups. It sounds wonderful. I hope your sister doesn't screw it up. In some ways the present arrangement could be a great psychological relief for her. She can concentrate on recovery and still be involved in her daughters life. God Bless.

P.S. I posted this before finishing reading the posts. Hang in there and keep posting.

WishIWasNormal · 08-20-2008, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SistersHelp

I'm going to say something ugly because I need to get it out because it's hurting me. I'm sorry sorry sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings because it's not meant to. It's something that's been bothering me and I hate it about myself. So I want to say it and get it away from me. So I can look back at it and work on it.

Most of my life I've assumed I'm not a snob. I'm interested in people who are different from me and I've enjoyed learning about all kinds of different people. But now I think I'm a snob.

When I go to my sister's recovery centre I feel out of place and uncomfortable. The woman who was assigned to supervise my off-site visitation was a woman on methadone who struggled not to slur and who chain-smoked and kept nodding off the entire time she was with us. Just how, I couldn't help asking myself, was this woman supposed to be supervising my behaviour? She could barely keep her head up.

When I was introduced to the "House Mother" who was supposed to ensure my niece's well-being during the visit, making sure nothing bad could happen to her, this woman slumped over to us wordlessly, scowled with multiple missing teeth and made a comment so unintelligible that it sounded like a grunt. Again, I couldn't help but feel uneasy that I was being expected to place my trust in this person, trust with the life of an eleven year old little girl, a woman who couldn't stop to tell us her name, or offer any sort of welcome.

Even the sweet little blonde ghost who greets me in her wispy voice as a brand new person each and every time I meet her, telling me, "We work so hard to keep the house clean. We really care about keeping it nice," ... as much as my heart aches for her and the suffering that is so clearly written all over her haunted face, I don't trust her. I don't want her in charge of anything that affects my life.

I'm a snob.

And I can't help it.

Is this place accredited? In the case of Nursing Homes, they are inspected on a regular basis and complaints are investigated promptly. Is it an individual business or a member of a group of homes? Many years ago a company called Beverly bought a large number of nursing/assisted living homes and charged outrageous prices and provided minimal service in return. The State finally forced them to sell all their businesses in this state and banned them from further business here.

The rehab is a business and the owner is a matter of public record. I think they have an ombudsman or advocate who is familiar with the facility and assists in complaint investigation.

Please forgive me, but your description was so graphic and thorough that I actually found myself laughing out loud. There is an enormous amount of money to be made in the rehab business and many of the residents are "captive audiences" because they are court ordered to attend or they are mandated to be treated in relation to child custody issues. So an unethical business can set up shop and accept a number of these court ordered patients and receive enormous amounts of money while providing substandard care. My girlfriend had to refinance her house to pay her rehab bill.

Anyway, I would recommend doing some subtle inquiry into the qualifications of the administrator and the counselors.

***Impurrfect*** · 08-20-2008, 10:56 AM

I'm glad you checked in. It's okay to "detach" in whatever way you need to. I'm still sending you all hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp · 08-20-2008, 09:44 PM

Well, I think I must have known another storm was brewing because I made it back to SR just about 24 hours before it hit.

I think I answered my own question about whether my sister's newly acquired positive attitude was about a genuine change or whether it was just a "honeymoon" period at her new recovery home. Honeymoon over!

Tonight she called demanding that I buy her more cigarettes. This has been an ongoing bone of contention since she went into inpatient care in mid-June. I regret that I have purchased her ANY cigarettes at all... When I brought her daughter for the last visit on Sunday night I brought my sister some tobacco and told her this was the last time I would be doing that. She said she was fine with that, hugged me and thanked me. Now we're back to this. Because I don't buy her cigarettes I am unsupportive, uncaring, uninterested in helping her recover. Sigh.

She couldn't care less that I have my own bills to pay. She couldn't care less that I totally RESENT spending money for her to light it up and burn it. Okay, I admit I'm not very sympathetic about tobacco addiction but I can't help it. It's such a horrible waste of money!

She threw it back in my face that I have spent money on her daughter, buying her contact lenses and back-to-school clothes and a haircut... but to me these things have VALUE. The little one has missed out on so much by living with a parent who spent all her money on drugs. How can she begrudge her own daughter these things and wish I'd spent the money on tobacco instead? It makes me want to scream.

She twisted everything I said on the subject, trying to imprint the message on me that I have abandoned her and that my negativity is the reason she can't recover.

Ridiculous.

I'm so glad for the changes that have come from being here around the issue of detachment. It's much easier now to just say, "Sorry, I'm not going to argue with you about this. The answer is no. Goodbye. Talk to you later."

Then I come here and rant.

***Impurrfect*** · 08-21-2008, 02:25 AM

Good for you!!!

Sounds like she's back to thinking about herself, and herself only. It is totally selfish to be upset with YOU for spending money on HER daughter...things she needs and deserves.

Glad you can stop the argument, and can come here and rant.

I smoke cigarettes, but have little sympathy for anyone who wants to smoke at MY expense! People at work are always bumming cigarettes and I finally told them "if you want to smoke, you need to buy your own".

You set a boundary and you stuck to it....good for you!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp · 08-21-2008, 01:26 PM

Thanks Amy. I always do appreciate your hugs and prayers! It's a funny thing about the smoking because I used to have a cigarette once in awhile myself, usually when hanging out with my sister! It used to be something we bonded over and now it's become a huge problem between us.

Anyway, my husband has taken my niece away on a week's long road trip so I will get a little break from my somewhat "forced" contact with my sister because of her daughter. If she calls in the next little while I think I'll just give myself a break and let the machine take it.

***Impurrfect*** · 08-21-2008, 01:38 PM

There ya go! A vacation from her drama sounds like a good thing.

Glad your husband and niece are taking the trip....she is getting a lot of love, and that is fantastic!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp · 08-22-2008, 11:31 AM

Ugh, I'm such a waffler! I was reading here this morning, looking at a lot of posts about the difference between enabling and supporting someone's recovery efforts. It seems like it's a fine line in a lot of cases... but after spending some time with it, and wrestling around in my own mind, I decided that buying my sister cigarettes isn't really enabling and it does support her recovery. So I'm going to buy the damn things after all.

I feel like it's not enabling because it's just not something she can do for herself right now. She has no money.

And I feel like it does support her recovery because when she's focused on the fact she wants to smoke and can't, it prevents her from working on her recovery.

So... here we go again. I hate buying them, I hate wasting my money on them. But I just can't seem to live with not giving them to her because I don't want to sabotage her recovery.

It's a damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of situation, but this is the decision that I find it easier to live with, at least for now.

***Impurrfect*** · 08-22-2008, 11:36 AM

I can understand that. I keep forgetting she's got BPD, and they DO tend to focus on one set thing. If she can stop focusing on the cigarettes, she can focus on recovery.

You're doing it with the right attitude, so don't worry about it. If it brings a little peace to YOUR life, then all the better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp · 09-06-2008, 10:23 AM

After a whole lot of wasting time calling a zillion different people, my parents finally got information from their lawyer stating the exact opposite of what our lawyer told us. Our lawyer said we'd have to fight for custody in my niece's province of origin because she's not really a legal resident here until a year has passed. And the lawyer in her place of origin said that they can't try a case involving a child who doesn't currently reside there. So now I'm back to going to talk my lawyer again. I'll have to call her first thing Monday morning.

Meanwhile, my sister has been up and down as usual. On the first day of school she called here in a panic saying she couldn't stand not being there for her daughter's first day of school. (This from the woman who kept her daughter home for more than half of the last school year just to keep her company.) She said she was going to leave the recovery home and pick up her daughter and move back to their old town. (She was evicted from her apartment there.) She said she didn't care about pulling her daughter out of school here, where she's settling in nicely, because "it's no big deal; people move all the time."

A couple of days later she was back to being reasonable and saying she figures she has at least 4 more months of recovery to go before she'll be ready to leave.

When she's acting sane I feel guilty about the fact that we're still working on trying to take legal custody. But I just can't ever seem to count on her staying sane for more than a short period of time.

Of course there's still no way of knowing how this will turn out. But my niece is doing so well here with us that I hope and pray a judge will see that and let her stay.

***Impurrfect*** · 09-06-2008, 11:51 AM

Good to hear from you. I just read your post on the your gratitude thread, and I am smiling about your nieces' contacts and new hairstyle....bet she feels GREAT!!!

Hang in there, sweetie. Eventually you will find out what can be done legally. In the meantime, you're doing what you can, and you're niece is doing great because she's surrounded by love and stability.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

YellowRed · 09-07-2008, 08:06 AM

I just read all your posts. A family member took custody of me when I was a small child. What you are doing is fantastic for your niece. it's so great that she has a loving auntie who will do all these things for her, AND try to do what she can for mum (quite apart from your adopted evil kitty -- hey, he really fits the bill in terms of "accept the things I cannot change"!). Hang in there. Getting it straight legally is probably better for everyone else in the long run and will give you a better footing in the fact of the unpredictability of your sister's condition/actions/reactions etc. You are being incredibly brave and my heart really goes out to you. I am so grateful to the family member who fought for custody of me.

08-12-2008, 10:52 PM	#81 (permalink)
stillfragile Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: The edge of something Posts: 8	Support from the South I just read all four of your pages and you just can't catch a break can you? Wow! You're doing great in a terrible situation though. When you're not sure what to do, don't do anything. What a lucky little girl to have such a caring auntie! Quit worrying about your sister (it's like thinking God can't do his job) and focus on what you CAN control. What's inside your house right now (xcept the cat). I'll send a prayer for you, that HP guides your meeting. Last edited by stillfragile; 08-12-2008 at 10:52 PM. Reason: typo

08-14-2008, 02:40 AM	#84 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	Sorry, I haven't been here..went to court yesterday, was exhausted and just woke up (at 3a.m.!) I posted on your other thread, but wanted to tell you, again, how I think you are just AWESOME!! When you're sister says she can get her daughter back "in a snap", she is simply trying to convince herself of that and trying to push your buttons. It's all talk, and we know that talk doesn't mean diddly when it comes from an addict...it's ACTIONS that speak. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

08-20-2008, 06:22 AM	#86 (permalink)
*hope213* Community Greeter Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: twilight zone,usa Posts: 3,342	prayers for you, your sister & those kids. they are blessed to have you. take it one day at a time. __________________ hope213 i can sum life up in 3 words....IT GOES ON!!!

08-20-2008, 10:56 AM	#89 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	I'm glad you checked in. It's okay to "detach" in whatever way you need to. I'm still sending you all hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

08-21-2008, 02:25 AM	#91 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	Good for you!!! Sounds like she's back to thinking about herself, and herself only. It is totally selfish to be upset with YOU for spending money on HER daughter...things she needs and deserves. Glad you can stop the argument, and can come here and rant. I smoke cigarettes, but have little sympathy for anyone who wants to smoke at MY expense! People at work are always bumming cigarettes and I finally told them "if you want to smoke, you need to buy your own". You set a boundary and you stuck to it....good for you!!! Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

08-12-2008, 01:21 PM	#77 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	My sister called this morning to tell me she can't find another rehab centre to take her (she's been kicked out of this one as of the end of the month) and now she wants to try and find a supported living facility that will allow her to live with her daughter in the home. I guess this is a better option than returning her daughter to her to just live in their own place with no one checking on them... but the idea of a little girl living in a place like that bothers me. Based on what I saw at the rehab home, these women have no concept of what is appropriate for children to be exposed to and what isn't. It troubles me to think of her living in a place like that. My sister was also talking big about how she would have her daughter back in a snap once the judge heard her case... made me sick to think she might be right. But what can I do? Nothing. She keeps telling me that the advisors at legal aid tell her she's going to win this fight hands down... and I have no way of knowing if she's telling me the truth or if she's just trying to scare me (which she often does). We are meeting with our lawyer tomorrow. Hoping hoping hoping for some encouraging words there.

08-12-2008, 08:19 PM	#78 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	More drama. My sister has been kicked out of this rehab centre (i.e. she no longer has until the end of the month -- she was kicked out effective immediately) because she was caught double-doctoring and picking up prescriptions at several pharmacies. They also think she's been giving her drugs to other women in the centre. The workers at her current rehab centre have dropped her off at the Salvation Army and she has been calling me from there asking me to come and get her and take her to another centre. We've decided not to. Ugh, that's hard to do. Really really hard. The workers also told me that she has taken off with 100 OxyContin pills in her possession and that they suspect she may suicide. What are we going to tell her daughter if this happens? I'm kind of numb. I'm at a point where I feel that if my sister died I wouldn't even be losing my sister because I don't know this person she has become. But her daughter loves her so much. I don't want to be a doom-monger... but I want to be prepared to talk to her daughter about this if it happens. Anyone have experience with this? Please help if you do. Or even if you just have ideas.

08-12-2008, 09:13 PM	#79 (permalink)
lostparent Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 461 Blog Entries: 1	As hard as it was I'm glad you didn't go get her. Your doing a great thing trying to protect her daughter. I have no advice if worse comes to worse an she does kill herself except tell her the truth as nicely as possible. Sending prayers that you get custody.

08-12-2008, 10:24 PM	#80 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Thank you, lostparent. It's really hard not to help but I have to remind myself that helping my sister could be hurting her daughter. We're going to the lawyer tomorrow. I hope the lawyer is helpful. * My sister gave my phone number to some strange man who just phoned the house to tell me that my sister got shafted at her recovery house, that the people who work there are all awful people who lie about everything and he wanted me to come and get my sister and take her to another recovery house. When I asked him who he was he said he is from AA and that he drives many of the girls at the recovery centre to meetings. He says he's listened to them talk for a long time and he knows everything about the recovery centre. I feel like I have to trust the people at the recovery house over this unknown man. My sister is really good at making things hard.

08-13-2008, 12:19 AM	#82 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Thanks so much for the encouragement. I often don't feel like I'm doing very well with all of this, but like you said, focusing on what I can control does help. Heehee, and you're right about that cat! He's quite the little devil. I appreciate your kindness and your prayers too.

08-13-2008, 05:35 PM	#83 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	The lawyer meeting wasn't terribly productive although I think she was really smart and on the ball. She says that my niece isn't yet a legal resident of this province (because she just moved here to be with us) and that this case will have to be heard back in her province of origin. So now we have to get my parents, her grandparents, to apply for legal custody back there and then designate custody to us after that's resolved. The most encouraging part of this was that the lawyer seemed moderately positive that the case would be pretty easy to settle in court and that the judge would act in the little one's best interest in keeping her put where she is. So, more hoop jumping. I'm getting some really good hoop-jumping muscles.

08-19-2008, 10:39 PM	#85 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Hmm... it seems that detaching from her has resulted in me detaching from here. I haven't had as much to say lately since I've been trying to stay somewhat uninvolved. My sister has been in Ultra-Reasonable Mode for about a week now, following her move to another centre. I am not sure if her time staying at the Salvation Army scared the crap out of her and she really wants to change now, or if this is the honeymoon phase that has followed each move to a new centre. In either case, I am keeping my distance and letting her do her thing, good or bad. She is stating an interest in coming off OxyContin, something she hasn't been too cooperative about for the last two months living in various recovery homes. She says she has traded in 5 of her 20mg tablets (out of a total of 16 per day) for one tablet of time release morphine. Knowing very little about these meds, I have no idea if this is progress or a good thing... but she seems very pleased with herself. So I hope it really is a good thing. The confusion around where to try a custody case is still going on as we have not had much luck getting ahold of the lawyer in the other province... but I'm trying to stay focused on looking after the little one and not worrying too much about my sister one way or the other.

08-20-2008, 07:48 AM	#87 (permalink)
WishIWasNormal Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Grants Pass, Oregon Posts: 138	Sounds like you're doing everything right. I think Kitty will settle down when her furry mind figures out the household routine. You'll be the All American Family: Child, hamster, kitty and pups. It sounds wonderful. I hope your sister doesn't screw it up. In some ways the present arrangement could be a great psychological relief for her. She can concentrate on recovery and still be involved in her daughters life. God Bless. P.S. I posted this before finishing reading the posts. Hang in there and keep posting.

08-20-2008, 09:44 PM	#90 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Well, I think I must have known another storm was brewing because I made it back to SR just about 24 hours before it hit. I think I answered my own question about whether my sister's newly acquired positive attitude was about a genuine change or whether it was just a "honeymoon" period at her new recovery home. Honeymoon over! Tonight she called demanding that I buy her more cigarettes. This has been an ongoing bone of contention since she went into inpatient care in mid-June. I regret that I have purchased her ANY cigarettes at all... When I brought her daughter for the last visit on Sunday night I brought my sister some tobacco and told her this was the last time I would be doing that. She said she was fine with that, hugged me and thanked me. Now we're back to this. Because I don't buy her cigarettes I am unsupportive, uncaring, uninterested in helping her recover. Sigh. She couldn't care less that I have my own bills to pay. She couldn't care less that I totally RESENT spending money for her to light it up and burn it. Okay, I admit I'm not very sympathetic about tobacco addiction but I can't help it. It's such a horrible waste of money! She threw it back in my face that I have spent money on her daughter, buying her contact lenses and back-to-school clothes and a haircut... but to me these things have VALUE. The little one has missed out on so much by living with a parent who spent all her money on drugs. How can she begrudge her own daughter these things and wish I'd spent the money on tobacco instead? It makes me want to scream. She twisted everything I said on the subject, trying to imprint the message on me that I have abandoned her and that my negativity is the reason she can't recover. Ridiculous. I'm so glad for the changes that have come from being here around the issue of detachment. It's much easier now to just say, "Sorry, I'm not going to argue with you about this. The answer is no. Goodbye. Talk to you later." Then I come here and rant.

08-21-2008, 01:26 PM	#92 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Thanks Amy. I always do appreciate your hugs and prayers! It's a funny thing about the smoking because I used to have a cigarette once in awhile myself, usually when hanging out with my sister! It used to be something we bonded over and now it's become a huge problem between us. Anyway, my husband has taken my niece away on a week's long road trip so I will get a little break from my somewhat "forced" contact with my sister because of her daughter. If she calls in the next little while I think I'll just give myself a break and let the machine take it.

08-21-2008, 01:38 PM	#93 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	There ya go! A vacation from her drama sounds like a good thing. Glad your husband and niece are taking the trip....she is getting a lot of love, and that is fantastic! Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

08-22-2008, 11:31 AM	#94 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	Ugh, I'm such a waffler! I was reading here this morning, looking at a lot of posts about the difference between enabling and supporting someone's recovery efforts. It seems like it's a fine line in a lot of cases... but after spending some time with it, and wrestling around in my own mind, I decided that buying my sister cigarettes isn't really enabling and it does support her recovery. So I'm going to buy the damn things after all. I feel like it's not enabling because it's just not something she can do for herself right now. She has no money. And I feel like it does support her recovery because when she's focused on the fact she wants to smoke and can't, it prevents her from working on her recovery. So... here we go again. I hate buying them, I hate wasting my money on them. But I just can't seem to live with not giving them to her because I don't want to sabotage her recovery. It's a damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of situation, but this is the decision that I find it easier to live with, at least for now.

08-22-2008, 11:36 AM	#95 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	I can understand that. I keep forgetting she's got BPD, and they DO tend to focus on one set thing. If she can stop focusing on the cigarettes, she can focus on recovery. You're doing it with the right attitude, so don't worry about it. If it brings a little peace to YOUR life, then all the better. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

09-06-2008, 10:23 AM	#96 (permalink)
SistersHelp Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 197	After a whole lot of wasting time calling a zillion different people, my parents finally got information from their lawyer stating the exact opposite of what our lawyer told us. Our lawyer said we'd have to fight for custody in my niece's province of origin because she's not really a legal resident here until a year has passed. And the lawyer in her place of origin said that they can't try a case involving a child who doesn't currently reside there. So now I'm back to going to talk my lawyer again. I'll have to call her first thing Monday morning. Meanwhile, my sister has been up and down as usual. On the first day of school she called here in a panic saying she couldn't stand not being there for her daughter's first day of school. (This from the woman who kept her daughter home for more than half of the last school year just to keep her company.) She said she was going to leave the recovery home and pick up her daughter and move back to their old town. (She was evicted from her apartment there.) She said she didn't care about pulling her daughter out of school here, where she's settling in nicely, because "it's no big deal; people move all the time." A couple of days later she was back to being reasonable and saying she figures she has at least 4 more months of recovery to go before she'll be ready to leave. When she's acting sane I feel guilty about the fact that we're still working on trying to take legal custody. But I just can't ever seem to count on her staying sane for more than a short period of time. Of course there's still no way of knowing how this will turn out. But my niece is doing so well here with us that I hope and pray a judge will see that and let her stay.

09-06-2008, 11:51 AM	#97 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,585	Good to hear from you. I just read your post on the your gratitude thread, and I am smiling about your nieces' contacts and new hairstyle....bet she feels GREAT!!! Hang in there, sweetie. Eventually you will find out what can be done legally. In the meantime, you're doing what you can, and you're niece is doing great because she's surrounded by love and stability. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

09-07-2008, 08:06 AM	#98 (permalink)
YellowRed Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 65	I just read all your posts. A family member took custody of me when I was a small child. What you are doing is fantastic for your niece. it's so great that she has a loving auntie who will do all these things for her, AND try to do what she can for mum (quite apart from your adopted evil kitty -- hey, he really fits the bill in terms of "accept the things I cannot change"!). Hang in there. Getting it straight legally is probably better for everyone else in the long run and will give you a better footing in the fact of the unpredictability of your sister's condition/actions/reactions etc. You are being incredibly brave and my heart really goes out to you. I am so grateful to the family member who fought for custody of me.