Fighting for Custody

[beegee]

This may be a bit later but your concern for her fooling everyone in rehab was mine for my AD. Everyone always loves her, she is the biggest con there is. I wrote here asking the same thing and everyone here assured me councelors know what they are doing.
Well I had a meeting which I haven't talked about yet but let me tell you, they know her backwards and forwards. And I think even she knows herself now. Amazing how they break through, but they do it so don't worry.
I am happy she is being so cooperative with you. And Cats well, they are their own being Lol...Hang in there....Your doing great it sounds like.

[SistersHelp]

Thanks Lynzi... this makes it a lot easier to enjoy the weekend. And Beegee, I appreciate you saying SO much! It is a huge concern of mine because my sister is very charismatic and I get worried that she'll figure out a way to get around people in rehab too. Hearing that you've been through something similar and that the workers know what they're doing is very encouraging news. I'm glad to hear your AD is making some progress.

[Bernadette]

Heya sistershelp-
Oh man- I just want to send your niece a teddy bear- get her started on a new collection!! She is lucky to have you - paying attention - doing the right thing in taking care of her.

Take it one day at a time. Keep the focus on what's best for you and your niece.

Sending prayers your way and (((hugs)))
Peace,
B

[SistersHelp]

Awww, thanks Bernadette. I feel just the same way... it's hard not to spoil her completely rotten trying to make up for all she's been through! But I'm working at providing her with a "normal" life with some structure and rules and not toooo many treats. (Hard for a sappy auntie to do, let me tell you!)

[SistersHelp]

I'm not sure if it's part of her recovery program, or if it's just her conscience pricking at her, but lately during the nightly phone conversations my sister has started apologizing to her daughter for being high all the time throughout her childhood and for missing so many important things when she was passed out.

Niece, being the sweet thing that she is, won't listen to any apologies. In fact, she denies what my sister says as even being true. "Oh no, mum, you didn't miss anything important. You're the best mum in the world."

So... what's my part here? I'm not sure if she's just being kind (she really is a very empathetic little thing) or if she's actually in denial.

Do I try to guide her through the idea that it's okay to be ticked off with the way that her mother has behaved and that she should have had so much more (like a conscience person to talk to and spend time with?) That it's okay to be angry and that she can still love her mother at the same time?

Or... do I just butt out and let them work through it together?

[SistersHelp]

My sister called tonight in a panic. It's finally hit home with her that she actually has some serious work ahead of her in terms of getting through this rehab program, and then rebuilding her life. She has no home, no job, no money, no nothing... and she's suddenly realising that this is a problem. Maybe she didn't notice this before because of the drugs? Suddenly she's seeing that regaining custody of her child is going to be more than just marking time... she has to have a home for the child to live in. She has to figure out how to support them both.

She's scared.

And so am I.

She doesn't see that right now, that I'm scared too. That raising her child wasn't the way I had planned my life out either. That we were no more prepared for this than she was.

Because of her addiction and because of her mental illness, I don't know if she'll ever be able to see beyond her own immediate needs and wants. It's exhausting.

[Impurrfect]

As a recovering addict, I can tell you what your sister is feeling is pretty normal. When reality smacked me in the face, it was a rude awakening.

I didn't go to rehab...I went to jail then a diversion center (like a work release program). I was SO excited to get out, but then realize how bad I'd really screwed up....legally/financially/career was GONE!

Fortunately, most rehabs are used to this and have many resources to help addicts get back into the world.

How is your niece? I was thinking about your next-to-last post. My niece is almost 15...her mom died when she was a baby and her dad is a manipulative crack addict who she doesn't want anything to do with. She would do the same as your niece...it looked like she was downplaying things to me.

I just started sharing with her how I feel in certain situations...that sometimes I get angry, frustrated, sad, etc. and it's okay. She also learned how I get through those feelings and that they don't overwhelm me. It took a while, but she's gotten better about at least acknowledging her feelings. She's always been angry, and I keep telling her she has a right to be angry....she's dealt with a lot in her young age. But I also tell her there are better ways of dealing with it (she used to just cuss everyone out and we all loved her but didn't like her). It didn't happen right away, but she's getting better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SistersHelp]

Thanks ((Amy)), I appreciate that a lot. I really really hope my sister will make some good decisions. I feel so depressed when I visit her in the recovery centre because she's living there with a bunch of women who seem so much more "together" than she does. I mean, they're all on the same path of recovery, but even on her best day, my sister just doesn't seem as rational and sane as the others. She has borderline personality disorder and it just makes her completely impossible to deal with sometimes. She has the classic "splitting" which makes her see everything in terms of black and white. So on days when I do what she wants, I'm a saint, an angel, all things light and pure. And then when I don't do what she wants I'm the devil incarnate. And it's so hard to be either one.

She's had a couple of weeks of being happy with me. Now I'm back to being satan. Today she called to tell me she isn't going to finish this program because she misses her daughter too much and it's impeding her progress. She claims that the directors of the centre agree with her that she should leave and get a place and get her child back as soon as possible. It seems unlikely to me that they would truly support her in something like this... but how do I know?

I ended up getting so frustrated listening to her rant that I hung up on her. I hate it when I lose control of my own emotions like that.

[SistersHelp]

Sigh. My parents drove all the way out to the west coast from the prairies to visit, and made plans to visit my sister in rehab this afternoon. An hour and a half before they were supposed to arrive, she called me to say someone in the treatment centre stole her medication (oxycontin) and that she was going to the emergency room to get more. I asked her to wait until my parents arrived so they would know what was going on, and she wouldn't do it. So I phoned my parents to let them know not to bother driving all the way out to her rehab centre. They weren't surprised at all... I'm not so sure why I was. I guess I have too much faith in her to be a decent human being... and she's not.

I don't understand how her medication could be stolen when it's supposed to be under lock and key at all times.

The last time I spoke to her before this incident, she told me she'd been a walk-in clinic where the doctor had diagnosed her with a spinal tumour (!!!!!) and confirmed that she would have to stay on oxycontin until she has surgery, with a two or three year waiting list. (At various time she has claimed to have cancer, multiple sclerosis, bleeding ulcers... none of it true.)


It's so frustrating dealing with her. How stupid would I have to be to believe a walk-in clinic doctor could diagnose a tumour? And tell her, with no medical history and records, that she needs to take this drug for years? Or to tell her how long she would wait for surgery? None of it makes sense whatsoever, and yet to even argue with her is an exercise in futility.

I don't understand why she's even in treatment... she obviously doesn't want to change.

[ladyamalthea]

I'm so glad you're still keeping us updated... I was wondering how this was going.

I don't know that I can offer any kind of advice on any of this at this point... the important thing is that the child is safe for today. You are all in my thoughts and prayers...

*hugs*

[SistersHelp]

Thanks (((ladyamathea))) -- I am working to keep that in mind... trying to keep that the focus of everything. I appreciate the support... it's crazy how sad and depressing this can be, and how much the supportive words of other people who've shared similar experiences can lift you back up when you're dog tired. It means a lot to me.

[Impurrfect]

I'm glad you're checking in with us, too. I have a friend who has borderline personality disorder, and it IS really hard to keep up with her at times. I've learned how to detach from her in a few ways, because it seems she has a lot of drama. She is a very good friend, though, and has always been there for me. I can imagine it's harder when it's your sister. You love them dearly, but at times you just want to shake some sense in their head

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SistersHelp]

Thanks (((Amy))). I think being able to detach to some degree is important with both loved addicts and loved BPD sufferers. You just can't stay too closely involved without getting burned.

*

My parents, who were un-invited to visit my sister in rehab when she announced she was going to the Emergency Room for more OxyContin, decided to go to the centre anyway to speak with the centre's director. They have been paying for the OxyContin prescription on the understanding that the prescription was being reduced over time with a plan to switch to some other pain medication in the near future.

When they spoke with the director at the centre she said that my sister has been lying to everyone in the centre about various medical conditions requiring OxyContin and that in her opinion my sister needs a proper detox and shouldn't even be in the rehab centre at all while she's on this medication.

Basically, she bluntly told my parents that she doesn't think my sister has any interest in getting off the drug and that she's using the rehab centre for free room and board.

She also said that my sister cannot be a fit mother in her condition and that she would be willing to go to court to say so. That's both reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Apparently she's been making threats to run away from the rehab centre and come here to kidnap her daughter back from us. I'm kind of scared of that and not sure how to protect her daughter without making her paranoid... how can I tell her that if he mom appears and wants her to go with her that she has to scream and run away? Would she even listen to me? Would hearing that just mess her up?

It's all so exhausting. I wonder if things will ever be simple again.

[ladyamalthea]

This is just my instinct speaking, and I may be wrong, but my initial thought is that it might be smart to teach her daughter to run. Maybe you could take the approach of, "Mom is still sick. I know that once she gets better she will be a great mom... but for now, she's not better." Something along those lines. That way, you're not bashing her mom, but still protecting her? You may also want to contact her school and inform them of the situation.

[SistersHelp]

Well, on to the next steps in trying to obtain legal custody. We have to attend a course called "Parenting After Separation" designed to help parents learn how best to parent children who've been separated from one or both of their parents. I think this could actually be very useful for us... at least I hope so.

And we've also got an appointment to meet with a family justice counsellor. I'm not totally sure what this meeting will even be about but it's a requirement of the courts before appearing before a judge. And we're trying to make sure we're doing everything totally legally and properly so Niece is protected as much as she can be.

I'm still not sure if we actually have to go to court with my sister... I sure hope not. As much as I've been venting about her here, I don't want to do that publicly or in front of her.... I don't want to put her through the stress of having to listen to us give evidence of her inability to parent her child... it's too heartbreaking for us, let alone for her.

[Impurrfect]

I'm glad you're going ahead with what's best for your niece. I can totally understand not wanting to face your sister in court. Sending you HUGE hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SistersHelp]

Maybe there was some progress today. My sister called again to talk more about how much she wants her daughter back.

The standard conversation goes like this:

Sister: I miss her so much. I want her back with me. I wish I hadn't agreed to this custody arrangement.
Me: You'll have her as soon as you finish your program.
Sister: Yeah, but I can't get off the OxyContin, only the other stuff. I need the Oxy for my pain. You can't keep her from me because I need the pain meds.
Me: Well, we'll see. I have to talk to the director about that because there are some concerns.
Sister: Oh she doesn't know anything. And if she tries to stop me from having my daughter back I'll be fighting all of you in court!
Me: I see.


Anyway... same conversation tonight except for one thing. My sister started with a new opener that went something like this:

Sister: L, I want to say some things but I need you to understand that it's not about me not trusting you with my daughter. It's just about me and my own fears.

Okay, so that might not seem like much in Normal World, but my sister doesn't live in Normal World... she rarely even visits. So for her have the presence of mind to say something so rational and appropriate was kind of ... shocking. Pray please let her continue to surprise us in good ways. Amen!

[Impurrfect]

I will continue to send hugs and prayers for you, your niece and your sister.

I had to laugh about her rarely visiting the normal world. My friend, who has BPD, usually has so much drama in her life I often wonder if it's real. I know it is, though, because I will ask her about it later and get the update. But, then I also remember, there is a lot of drama in MY life too, I just handle it differently. I look at things as challenges...she looks at them as "OMG, what do I DO?"

Fortunately, she listens to me (doesn't always do what I suggest, but is getting better). I'm also grateful that she has been there for ME, when I'm struggling. If nothing else, I can call her and she can make me laugh.

Having someone with BPD in your life isn't easy, but honestly, it sounds like your sister is making baby steps in improving the situation. YOU handled the conversation great! "I see" and "oh" are darn good responses sometimes...it lets them know you're not going to get dragged into their drama...whether it's an addict or an addict with BPD.

She's going to have to learn (like it, or not) that it takes more than love to raise a child. A child also deserves to have stability in their life...and you are giving that to your niece.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Ann]

I'm coming in late on this thread, and let me say that I have huge admiration for you and how you have handled all of this.

I am blessed to have a job as Business Manager at a wonderful rehab (men only at this one) here (small city, Ontario) and that I recognize so much of what you have related. Here are a few observations that I share hoping it helps you and others understand a little more...keeping in mind that all rehabs are not the same and that all people who work in rehabs are not perfect (but most are well qualified and experienced at handling recovering addicts and often have years of recovery themselves). My job is about running the business, but I see and am privy to all the information about the residents and the counseling and treatment. Ours is a long-term care facility with residents staying an average of 6-9 months or up to a year with the last few months where they can work and still stay there while they prepare to rejoin society with good support in place.

This is how it is at our rehab, and the facts may differ somewhat from place to place, but my personal observation is that they all are similar in these areas...

Residents sign a form coming in where all medical information is available to us including history and ongoing care. Family or friends may or may not be privy to information about the resident, depending on the resident's approval or not.

Prescription medications are kept and disbursed by staff and signed in and out each time any dose is issued. We have doctor's reports on the need for any medication and are aware of what and how much each resident is taking. Drug testing is done when they arrive to set a baseline and then random testing is done and if anything new has been taken or if there is an increase in test result quantities, it is spotted. These tests are done by professionals and cannot be faked or confused by any of many methods addicts have found to try to beat or fool the tests.

New residents, even those with a fair bit of clean time coming in, are often restless and emotional the first few weeks, adjusting to new surroundings and beginning to face sober the damage they have done to themselves and others through many years of addiction. Staff and residents further into the program work with them to try to encourage them to stay with the program and give it a chance.

We don't get very involved with issues such as child custody but may be asked to present a report on the resident's progress in recovery. The rest is left to lawyers and the courts.

Residents are our prime concern, family information is given only with the consent of the resident or by court order.

As residents begin working through their own issues, which often include their relationships past and present, they may go through a roller coaster of emotions. The more they work their program, attending 12 Step meetings from the day they arrive and through counseling in house and outside counseling with psychiatrist who specialize in specific issues that often affect residents (their history of sexual abuse, mental disorders, anger management, family of origin issues, etc), the better they get at accepting what is, and taking responsibility for healing and trying to make the future better.

And finally, the staff here is excellent at spotting BS and discerning truth from fiction. Where residents may feel they are unique, staff has seen and heard many of the stories before and are rarely conned or deceived by good behaviour or bad. We tend to see the residents at their best, in recovery, but clearly recognize that the person they were before and the person they can become again if they are active, are very different yet only a relapse away.

I share this so that you, and others here, can rest assured that what you hear from your addict may or may not resemble the truth, depending on how their recovery is coming along.

Again, my heart and prayers go out for you and your sister and for the sweet child who is so blessed to have you in her life, protecting her interests and being her legal voice.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Hugs

[SistersHelp]

Ann, thanks so much for your insights into how things look from an "inside view". It's so heartening to hear that the staff DO know how to spot B.S. and that they aren't easily fooled. My sister, bless her, is such a talented liar that half the time I catch myself believing her. She often tells me that various staff members have said things that alarm me (like that they'd attest to her ability to be a parent after a month of the program) ... and then when I read things like this, your post, it is of great comfort to hear that the staff aren't so easily tricked.

*

Amy, thanks for your ongoing support and thoughts about BPD... and for sharing the laugh with me. Sometimes it's important to hoot a little so we don't go cuckoo, right?

[SistersHelp]

I finally got ahold of the director at the centre where my sister is saying. Despite all my sister has said to the contrary, the director says that my sister is NOT ready to be a parent and won't be unless she completes a proper detox followed by a six month rehab program. At present, my sister is continuing to take her OxyContin while staying in the centre and I'm not sure how she ever got away with that in the first place.... twelve steps to being exactly the way you already are?? She also said my sister is not bothering to avail herself of any of the programs the centre offers (psychological assessments, parenting classes, work skills...) in spite of recommendations of her counsellors.

Anyway, the director said she would like to have a meeting tomorrow with me, my husband, and my sister to talk about what needs to be done before my sister will be ready to have her daughter back. I suspect this isn't going to go well and that my sister will panic. She has already told me repeatedly that she won't do a detox. She says her pain is too severe to come off this drug.

The director says if her pain is really bad enough to require this much of the drug, she isn't ready to parent anyway. (She doesn't believe the pain is severe enough to warrant use of this drug at all.) And that if it's not that bad then she's taking it for no good reason. In either scenario, the director's belief is that my sister can't parent at this point.

It's a mixed feeling I get from that news. Relief that other people, experts, see the same thing I do and have the same concerns. And also sadness. Because I really don't think my sister WANTS to get off the drugs. She just wants to find a way to do them in a way that will get us all off her back.

I need to focus on remaining calm and steady in this meeting. I am going to let the director state what she wants to see happen and then fully support her, whatever she says. If my sister freaks out, we'll have to deal with that as it comes. I'm going to be taking some deep breaths! (The wind blows through me like a hollow reed...) If I faint, please put a paper bag over my face.