GRRRR. I found pills this morning

[jerect]

This morning I was looking for a lint brush and I looked in my AH's truck because he always keeps one in the back seat. And what did I run across? A bottle of pills. I wasn't even looking for them, I think my HP showed them to me just to validate my suspicions.

So what am I going to do about it? Nothing, thats right nothing. Questioning and asking him about it willl only result in another lie and I refuse to be lied to anymore. I'm just going to go on and do what I'm doing already. Working on detatching from his addiction, protecting myself financially and working on my relationship with me.

A huge part of me feels really empowered by my decison. There is another part of me that has this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, almost like a sick feeling. I'm letting that feeling sit there and I'm pondering it, trying to ask myself why it is there and why it's making me feel this way. I think part of me is hating that I'm being lied to once again, especially since it was only yesterday that AH announced that he was going to stop smoking pot. The other part of me is afraid that I'm just ignoring the problem thinking it will go away but in reality I know full aware of what is happening, I'm just choosing to react in a different way.

I have struggled with my spriituality for so long but I'm coming to believe that my HP is the one that is in control here and I have no choice but to give this to God and allow him to sort it all out. It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my recovery and I'm still not totaly comfortable with it but what other choice do I have.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Great, your post was an inspriration to me for myself to keep detaching!! I comend you!

[jehnifer]

I'm coming to believe that my HP is the one that is in control here and I have no choice but to give this to God and allow him to sort it all out.

I think this is the key. Good for you to recognize it!! Thank you for posting it because it helps me today as I struggle (making myself crazy) with my son.

Hope you get to feeling better. I understand that sick feeling in the stomach thing you talk about.

[Japic05]

((jerect))

after I started to notice changes in my AH's behaviors, I began to experience some of those same feelings you are having. I doubted myself, wondered if I was being over sensative, blah, blah, blah. Shortly, it became evident that It Was What It Was. With over 3 yrs sobriety, my AH had relapsed and was refusing to admit it to himself, his sponsor and anyone else.

There were many times when he was "under the influence" that I struggled with not saying anything, not doing anything, not screaming at the top of my lungs at the insanity of the life of lies that was surrounding me.

I spent lots of time with MY recovery people - learned that even tho he relapsed, I didn't have to go with him. I could still be true to myself. I didn't have to participate in that "illusion" of recovery he was trying to portray to his AA world.

It was hard, painful and heartbreaking - But I made it thru - not without bumps, bruises and many scars.

My question that I held on to during that difficult time was "If I did something, asked the questions, or whatever; exactly what did I think it would actually change?"

Just like you said "nothing"

So I wanted to encourage you to please continue on your path of recovery - do take good care of you - you are worthy of it and deserve a life that is Happy, Joyous and Free; regardless of the actions of others.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

[bluebelle]

Originally Posted by jerect

The other part of me is afraid that I'm just ignoring the problem thinking it will go away but in reality I know full aware of what is happening, I'm just choosing to react in a different way.

Thank you for sharing this. I also struggle with the difference between being in denial (how I used to be), and choosing to react differently. Those are two different things!

I'm sure that this was really upsetting to you. Even if you had your suspicions, you always want to believe that he is going to make the right decisions. You sound really god, though. I think it is great that you are going to still work on yourself.

[codeinewife]

(((yesterday)))

My HP also had me look at the pharmacy sites and "see" the NEW orders when I was wavering (without realizing it). HP does not send me such signals anymore as I don't need them, but I know exactly what you mean about finding "proof".

For while, when we start to trust our own instincts, we need validation, and that's what you got - you won't always need it.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's not fair. But it's what we have on our plate. My hand is out to you - let's walk this walk together. With all the help we're getting here and other places, we can't help but grow and be happier and healthier!

(((hugs)))

[itisatruth]

Never Let me Imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do. ODAT in Al-Anon pg. 234 ----I love that!

I'd like to add my thanks. Your post was a good message that I really needed to "hear" today.

The fact that you are letting yourself feel that feeling in your stomach and pondering it shows good progress in your recovery. So many times our first reaction is to let those feelings (anger - resentment- fear) get to us, and then we react--often in unhealthy ways.

Its great that you are giving yourself time to think about what's really going on with you. You are controlling something that you have the power to control. I hope your feeling of being empowered continues.....and gets stronger. Keep doing what you're doing and take care of you