He called

[lostnow]

Now I'm a mess why do I have to let him get to me ?
All I want is an answer, any answer.

He won't give me one, just says he doesn't want to argue and I'm not I just want to know his plans. I know mine, so why is it so f*@king hard why do I still cry over him when I was just so strong , why can't I just let it go?

Sorry just needed to vent.

[liesagain]

I'm not sure of the whole story...........did he leave or did you ask him to leave?

what answers are you looking for what was the question?

[lostnow]

Sorry I was upset and just venting.

He left because he was kicked out of rehab, he said he need long term treatment he found it on his own.
The day I went and picked him up from rehab we fought and he ended up leaving I asked him to leave the house not the whole freaking state.
Now he has changed what he's doing or needs to do a hundred times.
The last was he's sober (found out he's not) and because it wasn't as hard to get sober on his own as he thought it would be, he no longer needs treatment.
He's been doing things there like changing his license getting full time preferment job, when couple weeks ago he was talking about coming back here not in my house but the state.
He said so he could see the kids and such. That was my question what the heck are you doing
I guess nothing is the answer.

[liesagain]

Sounds like he's still active in his addiction....................

The "answers" your looking for he really cant give you.

sure he can tell you things, things you want to hear, and even things you dont want to hear.............but how much truth you'll get ..........well generally when they are still active/in behavior or use they arent really capable of the truth and decisions expecially good ones are hard to come by.

The real questions are the ones you might want to start asking yourself....................LIKE
what do you want?
what do you need?
what are you willing and not willing to accept from him..........action wise

Its difficult, and it takes time but right now focusing on YOU and what you want/need is about all you can do.

The tough part for me with this............was/maybe still is..........is that what I want and need is HIM to be clean and sober and for us to have the life We planned together................at least thats usually my first thought.

Hope things calm down for you soon.............hang in there

[liesagain]

lost
the following is MY OPINION only, and is said only with the best of intentions..............

do you think that theres a chance that hes turning this around on you, trying to make you feel bad because he screwed up?

because to me this is how it sounds...........he messed up got kicked out of rehab and is now blaming you that he cant come home............so now hes out there doing god knows what and hes getting a reaction from you because your upset and asking him all these questions..................and by not telling you maybe hes trying to push your buttons so you get to where you beg him back............

if he acts like he doesnt care he triggers your feelings of..............he doesnt want me
or hes happier without me
and when these type of feelings are happening your more likely to ask him back...........


does this make any sense to you at all?
sorry if not,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it sounded much more clear in my thoughts

[lostnow]

Originally Posted by liesagain

Sounds like he's still active in his addiction....................

The "answers" your looking for he really cant give you.

sure he can tell you things, things you want to hear, and even things you dont want to hear.............but how much truth you'll get ..........well generally when they are still active/in behavior or use they arent really capable of the truth and decisions expecially good ones are hard to come by.

The real questions are the ones you might want to start asking yourself....................LIKE
what do you want?
what do you need?
what are you willing and not willing to accept from him..........action wise

Its difficult, and it takes time but right now focusing on YOU and what you want/need is about all you can do.

The tough part for me with this............was/maybe still is..........is that what I want and need is HIM to be clean and sober and for us to have the life We planned together................at least thats usually my first thought.

Hope things calm down for you soon.............hang in there

You really it hit on the head I need and want him to be clean and sober. I know he's not and mostly likely won't be any time soon with,out going into recovery. He cannot come into my house until he is in recovery if ever.
I just want him close
I can't have that I know because I can't make him do anything.
I miss my life with him terribly but know it was bad more than good, so why oh why must I miss it. I already feel better just talking about it. I see allot of change in me already ,I cried about 5 minuets tonight there were times I cried all night then all the next.
That scares me not sure why I think it's cause I'm starting to see that it won't need up happily ever after with him.
It's almost a failure in my eyes right , I will have failed at my marriage.
Even if it's better for me I still feel like a failure, does that make sense?

[liesagain]

yes lost it does....................I've been where you are and in some ways I still am.............

my husband is in treatment, hes a crack addict ( nasty thought huh? ) a professional loving man who is an addict, and I still love him and despite the horror of my family and friends I still have hope that he will be able to get his addiction under arrest and we can have that life together............but addiction is a FOREVER thing. For the rest of his life .............and your husbands too.

they dont go to treatment and come back good as new. Sometimes they get worse...........

The main thing for YOU right now is to REALLY look at yourself, and start asking yourself the WHY questions
why do I want him in my life
why do I feel the way I do...................

Please dont take this wrong, but I have found that theres alot of issues that are MINE, and that only by working on me can I expect to ever have a decent life with him if and when he is able to maintain sobirity

Have you read codependant no more yet? If not PLEASE do. And if the first time you read it you think well thats not me....................read it again......

our lives are forever changed by addiction................at first it seems like the end of the world..............but with alot of work on your part on yourself you may find that you come out not only better but stronger too!! ((((((HUGS)))))))

[BayAreaPhoenix]

((((Lostnow))))

You're not a failure! Never! You had and have no control over this disease. It is sad, it is incredibly sad.

It's a disease and a choice, and I think that's the hardest part sometimes for us to grasp. It's the dream too. Dreams can be beautiful, but they are dreams, and we can dream something new and different for ourselves.

I'm glad you feel you're better and seeing change in yourself. That's great. Honestly, I think this is healthy, so long as you are moving through the process of grieving and letting go and not getting stuck somewhere. You need to feel your feelings and let them get out in the open and be recognized.

[liesagain]

also LOST you havent failed....................try to remember the three c's
you didnt cause it
you cant cure it and you cant control it

[lostnow]

Originally Posted by liesagain

lost
the following is MY OPINION only, and is said only with the best of intentions..............

do you think that theres a chance that hes turning this around on you, trying to make you feel bad because he screwed up?

because to me this is how it sounds...........he messed up got kicked out of rehab and is now blaming you that he cant come home............so now hes out there doing god knows what and hes getting a reaction from you because your upset and asking him all these questions..................and by not telling you maybe hes trying to push your buttons so you get to where you beg him back............

if he acts like he doesnt care he triggers your feelings of..............he doesnt want me
or hes happier without me
and when these type of feelings are happening your more likely to ask him back...........


does this make any sense to you at all?
sorry if not,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it sounded much more clear in my thoughts

Man are you in my head
Yes it's Exactly what he's doing.
I know he's doing it he's good at it too
We have been together well forever. I have left he's changed things are ok for a while. I threaten to go he straightens up.
This time things got well bad real bad I didn't threaten I started acting on leaving him legally he wouldn't leave the house and with two kids I had no ware to go.

Then for the first time ever in our entire time together he admitted everything he cried, he needed help. I didn't follow through with leaving him because well he admitted he needed help and went to rehab on his own.
I told him even after going there we may never be alright. He needed to work on him self before we even begin to discuses us.
Not sure what happened next, may because I did things differently he did it differently too?
I just don't see how he could take it so far and think I'll just give in but of course I have thought that very thing.
I just can't no matter how much it hurts or how much I love him. My kids come before everything and I won't put them through it again.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by lostnow

Now I'm a mess why do I have to let him get to me ?
All I want is an answer, any answer.

He won't give me one, just says he doesn't want to argue and I'm not I just want to know his plans. I know mine, so why is it so f*@king hard why do I still cry over him when I was just so strong , why can't I just let it go?

Sorry just needed to vent.

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My own experience, it's a loss, and there is a process that we use to deal with a loss. Hard to understand, why do we grieve over the end of a relationship that was so painful to us?

And I've read that it isn't a nice, linear process. We can go back and forth between the stages, even ending back up in the denial stage, as I did. In the end, we can reach that stage of acceptance. My mistake last time, while I was still firmly in the depression stage, I let this person back in my life, now I have to start all over again but I felt flashes of it in the past, there is a place called acceptance and it's a good place to be. My thoughts go out to you.

[liesagain]

lost

the reason it seems like I'm in your head is because I too love and married an addict..........just as many here have

the names and places differ but addiction is addiction and the manipulation well thats a trade mark.
And codependants well...........like the addicts our behaviors, actions and the things we think...........predictable too

Thats what made SR so great for me. There really were people out there who got it and understood what I was/am going thru
finally I didnt feel so alone
because even the closest most loving family and friends........welll eventually they just dont understand

try to stay strong, give yourself a break if you take steps backwards but keep working on you................
trust me on this part....................I promise IF you start looking at yourself and working on yourself dealing with him will get easier and less painful............
the more you learn the more you work on you the better it gets.............still no picnic and there may or may not be a happy ending but happy endings do happen..............

[lostnow]

Originally Posted by sailorjohn

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My own experience, it's a loss, and there is a process that we use to deal with a loss. Hard to understand, why do we grieve over the end of a relationship that was so painful to us?

And I've read that it isn't a nice, linear process. We can go back and forth between the stages, even ending back up in the denial stage, as I did. In the end, we can reach that stage of acceptance. My mistake last time, while I was still firmly in the depression stage, I let this person back in my life, now I have to start all over again but I felt flashes of it in the past, there is a place called acceptance and it's a good place to be. My thoughts go out to you.

Thank you for posting that I definitely have seen myself going through those stages. I hope to reach acceptance soon, I keep moving from being angry to depressed to bargaining, that's how I see it with me.

[lostnow]

Originally Posted by liesagain

lost

the reason it seems like I'm in your head is because I too love and married an addict..........just as many here have

the names and places differ but addiction is addiction and the manipulation well thats a trade mark.
And codependants well...........like the addicts our behaviors, actions and the things we think...........predictable too

Thats what made SR so great for me. There really were people out there who got it and understood what I was/am going thru
finally I didnt feel so alone
because even the closest most loving family and friends........welll eventually they just dont understand

try to stay strong, give yourself a break if you take steps backwards but keep working on you................
trust me on this part....................I promise IF you start looking at yourself and working on yourself dealing with him will get easier and less painful............
the more you learn the more you work on you the better it gets.............still no picnic and there may or may not be a happy ending but happy endings do happen..............

This site has done so much for me
I'm not new to addiction, I'm positive that's why I choose who I married, an addict.
I'm new to recovery and this site is helping me see it can be done and how I can do it. It feels good to talk about everything here and have some one get it. I don't feel so insane.