Finally did it!

[katie44]

Well I finally did it. As I posted last week my AS had forged a cheque and stole money from my business account. Not the first time. I went to the police station last nite and had him chaged. Fraud, forgery and theft. This is his first time being charged. I should have done it along time ago. The police called him at home and told him they could pick him up or he could come in himself. I guess he went in himself. He called me at 6:00 am this morning from home. Couldnt believe I followed through. So many empty threats over the last four years. We live in Ontario so Im sure he will get a slap on the wrist this time, although I will show up in court and inform the judge about his addiction etc. He said not only has he lost his best friend in the last two weeks ( his grandmother) but now he is marked as a criminal. I said : from now on you will be held liable for each and everything you steal from us" He said he feels like his world is crumbling. What did he expect? I dont feel good about doing this at all but it has come to the point he is going to drive me in to bankruptcy and he needs to be held liable from now on.
The police did tell me dont expect it to stop. The well may have run dry with mom and dad, not he will graduate to ripping off other people. They said the crack is such an epedemic that 70% of the crimes in our city are done by drug addicts. Rarely have they seen recovery with crack. That was extrememly depressing. Maybe there stats are just the ones they deal with on a constant basis. They said it is such a powerful drug, out of 1000 cases they may have seen one go into recovery. I dont expect him to get clean because I have charged him. I have to protect my self. Although there is a small hope that just maybe this will have some impact on him. I also put a restraining order not to come in to our home. Why do I feel so horrible about this? tell me it gets easier.

[CatsPajamas]

Why do I feel so horrible about this? tell me it gets easier.

Katie, what I have learned is that it might not get better or easier, but I get better in it. It's become easier for me to set and maintain boundaries. It's easier for me to take care of myself. It's easier for me to detach with love. So, I guess it does get easier.

When you look back on this moment you will realize that you did the right thing for everyone involved. You'll hear from many moms here that it was a terribly difficult day when they quit cushioning their kid's fall.... but it was the beginning of a new and better life.

BIG hugs from mom to mom

Cats

[marle]

First of all I won't say that there is no hope for your son because there is always hope. But I want to tell you that this really is not about your son, it is about you. My daughter does heroin and crack and she has been addicted for at least 3 years. The man she is with is 38 and has been an addict for 25 years. He was functional until he started to smoke crack. So crack is a very bad drug and statistically has a low rate of recovery, but it can happen. Let's say worst case scenario, your son continues to smoke crack and does so for the next twenty years. What you have to ask yourself is do you want to live your life under his addiction for the next twenty years or do you want to let him go, let him live his life separate from yours, and get on with your life. It is painful to imagine our children never getting into recovery, but that is something that may happen. It is painful imagining a life without our children, but while they are active in their addiction they really are not our children. What I have found is that I need to allow myself to grieve the lose of my daughter. I need to accept and embrace the fact that she may never be in my life again. I need to then make my life the best it can be and not wait for her to get better because it may never happen. We need to have hope and yet be realistic at the same time. I am still trying to find that balance as it is not easy for the two to exist at the same time. Anyway what I am trying to say is take care of you. Let your son go. Don't guilt yourself over his consequences. You are taking the steps that are necessary to protect yourself and that is never a bad thing Hugs, Marle

[Impurrfect]

(((Katie)))

I'm sure this is all very hard on you, but I promise you, you're doing the right thing.

Forget the statistics about crack recovery. I have over a year clean, and I can assure no statistician has ever talked to me. I know of many people who are in recovery for crack. It IS extremely addictive, and sucks the life out of you

This may or may not have an affect on him. I became a criminal, thanks to my using crack, and I went into a downard spiral until I was locked up. Others are in recovery from crack and have never turned to the criminal ways of getting it...they managed to keep jobs, places to live, but realized where they were heading, and quit.

Please remember, that whatever he does, it's on him and it says nothing about you as a parent. I was raised by two wonderful, loving, supportive parents...lots of discipline, lots and lots of encouragement and I still became a crack addit.

It's not that your addict child doesn't love you or wants to hurt you. Crack (and I'm sure other drugs) get such a hold on you, that you can't think of anything else. Only when the consequences get bad enough, and we get sick and tired of the life, do we choose recovery. If I had not had the bad consequences, I would probably still be on crack.

As far as feeling horrible....no parent wants to do the things you parents have to do to protect your sanity and serenity from the addict. You're used to being able to take care of your kids' problems, and you can't do it this time. I'm not a mom, but I can imagine how hard it is to accept that standing back and letting your child find his own way OUT of his addiction, is the best thing you can do for him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[caileesnana]

I have pressed charges also. If nothing else it shows them we will not be taken advantage of and their are rules and laws for a reason. And w/ those come consequences. I think you did a great thing, positive for you and your son.
susan

[katie44]

Amy, Thankyou your story gives me hope. I really do hate statistics.One year in that is wonderful! Your all right he may not ever recover and he may. The sad truth about this is I know we have to get on with our lives. It truly is like grieving the loss of your child. How I pray that my old son will return one day as we all do. I truly dont know what I would do withour this board. You are all such wise people. The truth is until addiction has touched your lives no one truly understands. I stopped talking to people about my son a very long time ago. There are so many peoples attitudes that just think" why doesnt she just get rid of him permantley." Even last nite when I was driving home there were a few females on the street very young ones crack prostitutes. It makes me so angry and so sad. The people that use them make me even sicker. It truly is an epidemic!!!!! Sorry just a depressing day.

[bookmiser]

((((((((Katie))))))))))

I know it hurts badly. You did what you had to do. I'm sorry.
It will get better because your getting better. And stronger, I might add.
Once he realizes that, you just may see a change in him for the good.
I'm praying for that. There's a prayer that I'd like to share with you.
I say it whenever I start to feel overwhelmed with worry for my son.

God,
Take care of my son today while I am away from him.
Keep him safe and happy. And let him know that You are
there for him and are near. Please help me not to worry about him.
Amen

It does help me and I hope it helps you as well.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[pjbs55]

((Katie))
I too had to press charges against my son for stealing from me. It was the hardest thing I had to do, so I know how you are feeling. Please remember you did this to protect you and maybe to even help him. If he sees that he has to take responsiblity for what he did it might help him in his recovery.
I will keep you and him in my prayers.
The pain eases some each month, and it does get better, but it is a long fight. Don't want you to think it will go away tomorrow.
Stay strong and take care of you!!!!

[Ann]

Katie, you did the right thing, you set a boundary that keeps you safe and clearly states that you won't tolerate this and teaches him that there are consequences for his actions. Oh, he'll try to blame you for ruining his life but I think you and I both know that's addiction talking.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's always "right".

Hugs to you and prayers for your son.

[splendra]

((((katie))))

I am glad you did this because now your son knows that at least with you there are consequences to match his actions and perhaps he will think long and hard about ripping you off again.

When we let loved ones do us harm and do nothing it does make the hole deeper. You did a very courageous act you stood up to his addiction. If he did not have any consequences it would create even more problems later. Feel better okay?

[outtolunch]

Broken by William Cope Moyers is available on ebay for less than $4.00 for a used copy. He is the son of journalist Bill Moyers and was addicted to crack for many years. He's recovering and works at Hazelden. There is always hope but they have to want it. We can't love them out of addiction.

[katie44]

He called me today over charging him. He said it was his fault and long coming. He was very depressed said " now he couldnt even get a job at Tim Hortons " you have to be bonded. Then he told me he was going to get his realestate licence that he couldnt because he has a criminal record. I said to him what do you expect, also told him I would not hesitate now to charge him for each and everything he steals from us. He said he just feels like giving up. Feeling very sorry for himself right now. Can you believe he told the police the reason he steals from us is because he works for us for free and that he would starve. Anything to deflect the blame. When I look at the credit cards and cash he has stolen from our bank accounts its over 30,000.00 he has put me in to credit card debt. Not to mention the missing items from our home like his dads leather jacket, booster cables, the list goes on and on. He maybe works 3 straight hours a week, the rest is breaks, or he is at home sleeping. I have told him he can no longer come to our workplace. Not to worry his unpaid employment is over. I guess Im a little angry with him and his attitude.

[splendra]

Yea he using the old "I got a record" excuse. I know lots of people who have a record that have a good job and pay their bills because they learned from their mistakes and they do not wish to live the way that got them in trouble.

It's possible he can change. If he does or doesn't you take good care of yourself!

[Impurrfect]

(((Katie)))

He's still trying to blame you, becaue he doesn't want to admit he was at fault. The things he "was going to do" but now, supposedly, he can't because of his criminal record are just attempts to guilt you into dropping the charges.

As far as a criminal record goes....I have one, but it's not a felony. Although some jobs are out of reach with a criminal record, there are millions more that aren't. I was even bonded while I was in a diversion center!

Let him have his pity party alone. Most people I know don't even try that attitude with me, anymore, because I will point out that they have a choice.....be miserable and feel sorry for yourself, or learn the lesson and move forward.

Keep the focus on you, sweetie....you deserve it!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[mizserenity]

It took great courage and strength to do what you did... but you are helping yourself and no longer enabling your son.

[hello-kitty]

"I see your lips move but all I here is quack quack quack." Your kid stole $1600 from you and now wants you to feel guilty?!!! That just burns me up! Don't listen to him. You are doing the right thing. Good for you for being a tough loving mom. (((hugs)))

[rub]

Katie,

I am so happy to read that you followed through. My brother is addicted to crack (for the past 7 years) and my parents have almost gone bankrupt from him. He nearly ruined their business, stole cheques, tools, cash, stole from customers etc etc etc, and they never did a thing.

Guess what...nothing has changed. They don't press charges, they pay off all his dealers. Its so bad now its a race between who will die first, my brother or my parents.

I'm so glad to see you are taking care of YOU. And honestly, its the most loving thing you could do for your son.

[itisatruth]

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas

Katie, what I have learned is that it might not get better or easier, but I get better in it.

Words of wisdom, thanks Cats. It sounds so simple, yet it will probably be a long journey. Katie, I am glad you stuck to your guns. Take care of you....

[greeteachday]

((((Katie))))) You definitely did the right thing. Sorry he is still stuck in the blame game...it helps deflect assuming responsibility and maintains the sense of denial. It helps me to separate the child I love from the active addiction. Yes the child is responsible for the consequences of choices, but the actions in active addiction aren't about lack of love; they are about the disease.
I know it is difficutl, but the boundaries you are setting will help you whether or not he chooses to help himself. Things change when we stop sheltering and making things easier. Hugs

[rahsue]

Everyone has given you such great support, I can only add

IT DOES GET EASIER.

Knowledge is power and any kind of power we can get over this disease is life saving for everyone not just the addict.

[nytepassion]

What a brave and couragious thing you did. A true act of love (though I know it may not feel like it) but this is the best thing you could have done for him ... he needs to be held accountable for his behavior and believe me the addict won't do it on their own ... they have to be forced ..

Please don't let him guilt you or join his pity party that he is now a criminal ... and try to rest in the knowledge that by filing charges against him you also have his addiction and the destrustion is wreaks arrested too.

You did the right thing and I for one applaud you and give you a standing ovation!!!

Hugs,
Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/co-dependent

[katie44]

Thankyou everyone sometimes we just need a little reassurance that we did the right thing. I dont regret the decision I made with the help of you all. I'm sure he will do it again next time I won't hesitate. The police called last nite and want me to write a statement for the judge to read what I think I would like to see happen to him. Thats a tough one. I would like to see him in a diversion program, however he is not a young offender. In Ontario I dont even think they offer the program????? Truthfully what I would like to see is him shipped off to some remote island where there are no drugs. LOL

[Impurrfect]

(((Katie)))

I don't know about where you live, but where I live, it doesn't matter how young (or old) you are....a person can be ordered to rehab, jail, or a diversion center (where I was, and I was 44 at the time!). I was basically in custody, but was allowed to work. Very strict rules, curfews, etc., and we had to pay $140/week for "room and board". I was in the county jail for a month, waiting on a bed, then the diversion center for "120 days and payment of fine".

It gave me enough clean time, and a little self confidence that I could be a functioning adult again, by having a job and following rules...something I hadn't done in more than 2 years.

It can't hurt to write what you want, since that's what they've asked for...you just might get it!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

(((Katie)))

whatever you write, about what you want the judge to do, just please make sure it's what's best for YOU...