Just needed to shout out this vent....
I have to be honest....all of the knowledge in the world about addiction can never help me to understand how someone who has 8 months (my ex-husband) in recovery can just one day decide to abandon all that he has learned and embraced about recovery and sobriety just to go get high.
I "know" that relapse is a reality/possiblity in recovery. I "know" that a person could have 20 years and then relapse. I "know" relapse starts before the person actually goes out drug seeking and using. "I know" but I will never understand.
I was romanticizing the idea of possibly accepting him back in my life in the future because the changes that came about from him working his program made such a difference in his behavior and outlook. Yes...there were still some addict behavior lingering but he was continuously working on those issues.
I still wasn't really ready for it...I thought it needed more considering...there's still a lot of pain there and resentment from my end and most importantly doubt and distrust and what lingering addict behavior there was...I could not stand. Just like I knew when I was ready to divorce him...I knew I would know when I was ready to give it another try. But I always made my intentions very clear. I told him to go on with his life and if we get back together then we do but there's a huge possiblity that we won't. I need time to watch, wait and see.
Then all of a sudden...one day...like running into a brick wall "WHAMO!!!" Disappointment....Sadness....Anxiety came rushing back at me and this is from a distance because he doesn't live with me and i don't see him everyday. And these three powerful words siren'ed in my head "THIS IS WHY..." This is why I'm hesitant, reluctant and wary. This is why I had to divorce him because I couldn't live in constant fear and doubt that this might happen and I couldn't live with active use around me. I was never able to really detach...I tried and I just couldn't do it.
I just will never understand.
Pray for the strength to keep yourself on the sane side of the street.
It is very hard to love and let go, hopefully he'll pick up his tools and get back on track.
Cupi, I feel your hurt in my heart... I really do. I dont understand either, just doesnt make sense to me why they relapse if they know where they will end up. I will pray though for your ex husband and just maybe he will pick up the pieces again.
I haven't seen my XABF but once (at his mom's funeral) and am going on with my life without him. But I still care and hope he can find his way out of the addiction life. It makes me sad and it hurts. I think it's just because we are a compassionate group of people, and we will always have that hope that they find their way to recovery and stay there.
Hugs and prayers!
That "hope" thing is a killer.
Normally I am crippled by the news but this time...I just went about my days activities. It was in my mind but not like before and I'm glad for that.
You're right...hope can be a killer. Luckily, as more time goes by and I'm not around him, it's a distant feeling, not something I think about much. I found out that XABF got locked up again a few days ago. I'm expecting a letter from him any day, giving me the same BS he says every time he gets locked up. Today, I know it's just words. If I do hear from him, I will wish him well, tell him how recovery rocks from my point of view, then let it go.
Hugs and prayers!
I definitely have to distance myself.
Cupi, I think it sounds like you've come to "acceptance", where it may still be sad and not what you envisioned but you can accept that it is what it is.
Melody Beattie says that our instinct is our soul's way of preparing our emotional and mental and physical bodies for what is about to happen. Your instincts were good on this one and I'm glad you waiting and didn't book a front row seat to this performance.
Sending big hugs because I know this has to hurt, and lots of prayers for you and for him, that he finds a better path and stronger recovery from all this.
I'm sorry...addiction just stinks...I don't understand either, but I know lots of times the addict too doesn't understand. I remind myself that it is a cunning and baffling disease.
You are right to trust your gut...You will know when or if there will be another time for the two of you. YOur recovery sounds strong. No one ever said it would eliminate the sadness of watching someone we love start to self destruct, but it doesn't knock us over and take the wind out of us anymore. We find the tools to get past the hurt, disappointment and sadness much more quickly. Hugs and prayers for both of you
All of you definitely helped me plant that magical seed of acceptance. It grows everyday. And I am grateful because it's gotten me through my divorce and the past year and now through this.
cupicake, I am sorry for you that he used again. My ex also has had some clean time, we were dating again, (lived together for 10 years, seperated for 6 months) He used two nights ago. I hope we both learn something from this to take with us. It hurts, its confusing, its dissapointing, its crazy to me that everything they work so hard to get back, they will throw away in a day. I pray this will make us stronger women.
Kj...I'm sorry that it happened to you too...but I believe that if we keep in mind that our first responsibility is to ourselves I have no doubt that we will keep getting stronger.
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