Need to get something off my chest

[wooforever]

Here I go,

I have been with this Addict for 18 years. We are no longer married, because I could not take the chance of losing my kids or getting into trouble with the law, and that he had a girlfriend on the side. Or becasue I just could not be married to him anymore.

I dislike him so much right now that it hurts. After everything he has put his family thru like his exgirlfriend saying she is going to have is son killed if he did not go back with her because she need his drugs, and that her kids would not eat. Stupid stuff like that, but that stuff I could handle because I would tell myself it is the drugs talking.

But he has been clean for about 4 months. He is in a program that the court order him to go to or go to prison for 10 yrs. We have been talking and he comes over to see his son, but he tells me that he does not want a realsonship right now that he needs to work on himself. I agree but I do not want a relasonship with him, I am not in love with him. I love him but as the father of my son. Nothing more.

We use to be friends with benefits that was like 3 yrs ago. We have not has that kind of realsonship since I got off the drugs.

So yesturday he was to go and get help finding a job from a place that will post his resume and see if any employer would be interested in him or if was a good match.

I texted him and asked him how that went and he said good, that he has to get a resume together. I told him that I have faith in him that he can do whatever he puts his mind to. That I still cared about him.

He comes back with thanks, but you do not care for me enough to take of his sexual needs. I never replied to him.

I have told him the next person I am going to be that way with is the person I will be with until death do us part. He laughted and told me that there is no one that will want me.

He use to talk to that way when he was using, but I thinking he really is a jerk. I would give him anything I could if he needed it. Funny thing is he would not do the same for me.

I am so pissed at myself for letting him get to me. I guess I just miss judged that person I once loved. What he says to me hurts to the bone.

What I wanted to text back was if you tried getting a job as hard as you do to hurt me you would have a job by now. So do not worry about the sex and get your **** together and work on yourself and be a the best person you can be. Not the jerk you think you are.

Thank god I write in a dairy so that I can say this **** on paper and not to his face. I am still scared of him, I am afaird to say what is on my mind that he will go and use again. I know it would be because of what I say but it still is hard to say what I really want to.

I am learning to be the bigger person.

[anvilhead]

whoa, hold up.........NOTHING you say or don't say will MAKE him use! IF he uses, he does cuz he wants to....nobody can make anybody use. nor can they make anybody stop using. it was never your fault, or your doing. you are not responsible for his drug addiction and inability to man up and deal with life.......

sigh. sorry. wondering why you stay in such close contact? sounds like he's still toxic.........and in our recovery we learn to stay away from toxic people, places, things and thoughts.....

[hello-kitty]

That was rude of him to say. You are right to just let it go and not respond. Don't stoop to his immature and disgusting manner. You are a better person than he is.

[Mskattie]

My ex is also supposedly sober and clean for 6 months, and it hurts really bad that he continues to be an a**hole.

Like you said, I also let a lot of things go since I thought his selfish behaviors were from being actively involved with drinking and using. Now that he claims to be in recovery, he is still selfish. I just get so angry (or hurt, people said underneath the anger is always hurt) just knowing he continues to be very selfish and childish, and that is the reason for me not to have any contact with him. I felt like exploding with anger every time he called me.

Have you considered limiting contact with him? What he has been telling you sound definitely toxic to your mental health. Please take care.

[wooforever]

Anvilhead,

It is because my addiction is him. I am learning not to be so close. We use to see each other every day for a very long time. He was there for me when I almost died of an illness not do with drugs(illegal drugs).

I think I have stayed by him so I would not be alone. I am doing better when he is out of my life. So I am starting my recovery all over but the addiction is not drugs it his him.

[anvilhead]

it's good that you see that!!! it's as hard for the codie to let go of the addict as it is for the addict to let go of the drugs....trust me, i'm both! eek!

[wooforever]

Thank you miskattie,

You are so right. I should limit the contact. I do really good with just texting him until he comes over and acts like a human again normally without warning.

This is the first time that I really thought about telling myself he is not good for me. I am getting my self back it is taking a long time. Everytime he knocks me down it makes me stronger for not having him around.

I have come from seeing him 24/7 to only on the weekends, to not seeing him for 2 weeks. Until slipping and letting him stay during the day with his son.

I have not had any contact today with him, and I do not plan on talking to him or texting him.

[wooforever]

Anvilhead,

I have been sober for over a 1 year now. This is so much different the getting of the Meth. This is so much harder. One day at a time. One step at a time. Today is a good day.

[anvilhead]

did you guys use together, woof?

[Impurrfect]

((((Woof)))

I, too, am a recovering addict and codie, and I agree...the codie recovery is a lot harder to me. It's how I ended up on this forum, and it has been a lifesaver for me.

I KNEW my XABF wasn't good for me, but I couldn't accept it for a while. It took a while for my heart to get on the same page as my head. I still haven't gotten to the point where I believe I deserve a better man...my head says I do, the rest of me is working on it. So, for now, I just keep working on me and have stopped trying to "fix" everyone else.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy