Is "No Contact" a form of "tough love"?

[KMMK]

my A and i broke up end of october after two years together.
he smokes pot alot, has liver disease, was pressing to get married or live together. i genuinely believe he loves me, but also wanted his way when he wanted it.(felt like the squeeze play..and then payback for not doing it his way).
i was not enabling, or carrying his responsibilites in any way .
i always kept my life going and afloat , maintained boundaries and my own interests.
i refused to revolve around him and carry his load.
well, finally in october, i guess the bow broke and he moved on saying he wants more and ill never give it to him and he is going to find someone else who will.
His way or the highway mentality.
i told him..fine..go ahead..and do whatever.
of course, i was and still am very hurt by his abandoning me.
he still sends an occasional email saying he never wanted to hurt me but
we wanted different things..(more like , i would not do what the dictator A wanted me to do . when he wanted me to do it.).
i have not contacted him since early dec...he was last to email.
some part of me feels that by doing no contact ..i am doing tough love and saying...this is not acceptable and i will not grovel, cry, or beg for your attention .
(as i think he was hoping i would).
i have stood my ground..it is hard to just keep hands off and leave it alone and let him find his way and not interfere..
i think, letting go and letting god here, is tough love.
i am not softening the choice he made.
i know he loved me ALOT..and wanted more...but now his silence feels deliberate to push buttons and get me to react..
which i am not. i have stood my ground and done NOTHING .
is this tough love , even though we are apart?
i hope it is making some statement that i will not be manipulated by his upping the ante on me.
thanks..
please be gentle with your replies.
i am hurting .

[anvilhead]

well, are ya more concerned that he has NOT tried to contact YOU, or what you think he might think you not contacting him implies? you split in October, last contact via email in December, it's now February......what does it really matter? i don't mean to sound uncaring, but what DOES it matter NOW? you're dealing with what IS, and that no longer includes him. he's free to think or interpret (or not think and not interpret) however he sees fit......that's his biz. do what you do for you, not for how that might influence or impact or impress upon the other guy......move forward!!

[KMMK]

hi anvilhead.
i sure wish "moving on" after investing years of heart and soul were as easy to do as is said..
sadly..most humans..at least Me..i am not built that way.
as per my original question..

can no contact be viewed as tough love or not?

and if not ..what is tough love?! lol

[anvilhead]

and MY point was if you guys have split up, it's not really about tough love anymore......it's about no contact and moving forward with your life! the NO CONTACT thing is a beautiful boundary to help YOU stay in check....gives YOU a safe perimeter, so as not to keep going backwards......it allows you to work thru what if and what happened and what went wrong.......

yes you did invest time and energy and emotion....and none of that is wasted. it's just no longer applicable NOW....he sounds like he was pretty set in ways and pulled up stakes and hit the road......better now than another 10 years of your precious life later, sweetie!

[Cupicake]

It depends on your intention with the "no contact"...I would think.
But I don't think by not contacting you are trying to gain some kind of end result.
You are standing by what you believe in, in regards to what you want and don't want and deserve in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. As a codie I have struggles with this and had struggled for a long time to instill the boundaries and self worth back into my life after I divorced my AH. It's indicative of addict behavior to try to manipulate, guilt, etc... You're not giving in and he has resolved to move on. Let him move on.....and you should continue to move on with your life and do for you to make your life better for yourself. Believe me...it is so easy to be drawn into the life of an addict and "fall under their spell" because guilt and empathy are such powerful emotions. It's uncomfortable to feel them so we try to relieve them by doing what the addict wants but then we end up neglecting ourselves.
With love we make ourselves vulnerable to pain. I'm sorry for your hurt...I know how that feels but believe me that it will pass.

[hello-kitty]

Sure it can be tough love if you want it to be. Or it could be just a regular breakup between two people who realized that they had different goals in life.

Let go. Do what you need to do to move on. If he comes back, and he's all better, then it was meant to be. If he doesn't, then it wasn't. But you can't expect him to change because you decided that you didn't want to deal with his c$#%p anymore. That's not tough love. That's trying to manipulate/influence him by your choices (which I don't think you were doing, right?)

[KMMK]

in the past , i would be upset and either email or call or something..
predictably.
but this time..i just was at my limit of his cr*p.
no contact was not my choice.
it is hard to do..im not a black and white person , who loves and then can just say bye bye .
but i wont be manipulated either by his antics.
i dont think it was as he said a breakup cause of different goals.
our goal was the same..but our timetable was different..and i didnt jump thru his hoop.
king baby.
i maintain...i dont call or email..or grovel or beg as i think he expects as i had done in the past.
and give my power to him.
no contact is to show that i mean what i say..and say what i mean.
it hurts either way.
to me it feels just more of his upping the ante and pushing the buttons and turning up the heat to get a reaction.
that is what my gut has felt all along.

[KMMK]

set in his ways?? anvilhead...lol..
oh yea..
the king baby , gestapo..his royal highness...dictator..

his way or the highway..

guess thats why im on the highway.

i am moving on...slowly..painfully..one day..one step at a time.
as they say..
its hell in the hallway.
thanks and love.

[hbb]

Hi and welcome. Sorry your hurting, it is hard to go through.

My exabf and i broke up in July and i've had no contact since the day he walked out. At the time i was hopeful because i wasn't the one that wanted it to end. But i looked at no contact for ME because that's the ONLY way i was going to be able to move on and keep going forward. Having no contact wasn't to gain anything from him in the longrun, it was for my own sanity. You can ask Anvil in particular how bumpy it has been for me but no contact has saved my life for ME and only me. It ended and that was it......

[anvilhead]

i have found it best to take people at their words and not try to read anything else into it. we can never know the mind and the motives of another. and he can paint himself green and do jumping jacks on top the McDonald's arches or ride a burro to Ecuador, or whatever......that's his thing.....now.

it was and now it's not........just how it goes sometimes. people break up all the time for scads of reasons. just means their time together was up.....to make space for others. everyone who crosses our path, enhances our life with the gift of life lessons, not all of them good ones........that one lesson ends only signifies that another is about to begin!!!!!

[anvilhead]

oh heather, maybe it's time for some balloons!??

[PaperDolls]

I'm sorry it hurts so much. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. You know your limits and what you're willing to put up with. You seem to have healthy boundaries.

As an A, I think you're right about him hoping you'll come crying back. He wants/needs someone to take care of his crap while he's drunk/high. You won't do it so he's got to find someone who will. His addiction is his priority.

Keep posting!

[KMMK]

thanks all..
maybe my question should have been..

"How do you mend a broken heart?"

[KMMK]

i have a kitty named Heather ! :-) (one of FIVE!!) animal rescuer...sure sign of codie!..plus im a nurse..
omg ..no wonder im in this mess!

[PaperDolls]

Originally Posted by KMMK

thanks all..
maybe my question should have been..

"How do you mend a broken heart?"

the Bee Gee's did a little number about that.

[hbb]

Originally Posted by KMMK

i have a kitty named Heather ! :-) (one of FIVE!!) animal rescuer...sure sign of codie!..plus im a nurse..
omg ..no wonder im in this mess!

You will get there, BELIEVE ME....if i could get better anyone can It's the hardest lesson i've ever learned and I have a long way to go. Do you go to Al Anon? That helped along with a therapist to figure why i accepted unacceptable behavior from my ex.

Anvil ~ thanks for the balloons appreciate it!