Story of a wonderful man w/ a horrible problem...
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didn't mean to be so confusing. Please remember that I am speaking only from my experiences - I watched while RAH was lost in his compulsions to use. Yes - he chose to use but he had lost his ability to control his choices. I've seen too many addicts that want to quit....if it was just that easy to make a choice then a lot more people would be able to do it. Addiction is a brain disease and not a moral weakness. I never used crack, heroin, or meth but I did use about everything else. When I felt the urge to use it truly did not feel like I had a choice. I know that that doesn't make a lot of sense....now that I am sober it seems hard to believe how it felt. I can just tell you what it was like for me. Now I realize that it is a choice and I make it every day. I can't tell you exactly when my addictions changed from a choice to a compulsion but they did. I hit a bottom and it woke me up enough to ask God's help and I got into recovery. I honestly don't know if it's anything that can really be explained in a way that makes sense. The tools of recovery are there once you seek them and work on them. The choice to remain sober became immensely easier for me once I began to work a recovery program that began when I surrendered. It wasn't until I was able to admit my powerlessness that I was able to begin the steps to recovery. For me - it had gotten to a point where I wasn't able to control my choices - there really didn't seem to be a choice. The choice only became possible for me once I admitted that powerlessness to myself. I didn't get it before that moment and then I did after that...and I knew how badly I needed help.
Obviously there is hope for all addicts because people recover everyday. I never meant to imply that they didn't. I sit in many meetings each week with people that are making the choice to remain sober. I meant that while in active addiction it truly does not seem like a choice - or least, it certainly didn't feel like one to me.
Obviously there is hope for all addicts because people recover everyday. I never meant to imply that they didn't. I sit in many meetings each week with people that are making the choice to remain sober. I meant that while in active addiction it truly does not seem like a choice - or least, it certainly didn't feel like one to me.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Lightseeker-
Thank you for your post! I figured I misunderstood
I do understand that making the “right” choices in the grip is by far easy, especially when someone is just in the beginning of recovery and is working with little to no tools. Even with Anvil’s picture perfect explanation, I can’t even imagine what all of that energy, for lack of a better word, actually feels like. I saw it with my ex at times, but seeing it certainly isn’t feeling it.
I know that those in recovery tend to not give themselves a pat on the back for the work they’re doing every minute of everyday. Doing so may lead to complacency, and we all know where complacency leads. But I have to say, recovering addicts really are about as strong as it gets. Someone in recovery told me once he didn’t need a pat on the back for living like a human being, and I get that. But I still admire him and anyone else who works that program with their blood, sweat and tears.
Hope4Always-
Yeah. I mis-wrote, though. He had a sponsor and had been attending NA regularly for a couple of years before we got together. He met with limited success but he kept goin’ back no matter what. When we were together, he’d step it more and more on his own, either with meetings or the other stuff I mentioned, but he did fall harder and harder.
By the end of our relationship, which was a few years, I know he was disgusted with himself. And if you don’t like yourself, then anyone who loves you must be a loser, too. So, rather than him ending the relationship, he became passive-aggressive that last month, pushing me to do the deed.
After we split, he never hit another meeting. He used for months and months straight. He told me this himself. He’d hook up with chicks, never telling them he was an addict, and other info they should have been told, but then again, he wouldn’t stay with them for very long.
He did eventually hook up with a girl with a kid, of course, not even a year after we split, but he was using right up until the time he met her. That poor girl has no idea what she’s signed herself and her child up for.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg of the after effects.
Eventually talking to him became impossible because he’d be downright hostile at times, and that’s when I broke ties. But this is why I’m definitely a proponent of no contact. Someone who is hell-bent on tossing it away with reckless abandon is not going to add anything worth while or positive to your life. All that connection does is keep you from looking at the future YOU have for YOURSELF. Once you see forward, honestly, you can’t see anything else and you don’t want anything but that future.
Ah! That felt really good to get out! Didn’t think I had it in me. LOL! This thread has been a huge help in more ways than one, I guess. Thanks to everyone who’s been chiming in
I hope Cher is doing okay. Oh, those first days…
Thank you for your post! I figured I misunderstood
I do understand that making the “right” choices in the grip is by far easy, especially when someone is just in the beginning of recovery and is working with little to no tools. Even with Anvil’s picture perfect explanation, I can’t even imagine what all of that energy, for lack of a better word, actually feels like. I saw it with my ex at times, but seeing it certainly isn’t feeling it.
I know that those in recovery tend to not give themselves a pat on the back for the work they’re doing every minute of everyday. Doing so may lead to complacency, and we all know where complacency leads. But I have to say, recovering addicts really are about as strong as it gets. Someone in recovery told me once he didn’t need a pat on the back for living like a human being, and I get that. But I still admire him and anyone else who works that program with their blood, sweat and tears.
Hope4Always-
Yeah. I mis-wrote, though. He had a sponsor and had been attending NA regularly for a couple of years before we got together. He met with limited success but he kept goin’ back no matter what. When we were together, he’d step it more and more on his own, either with meetings or the other stuff I mentioned, but he did fall harder and harder.
By the end of our relationship, which was a few years, I know he was disgusted with himself. And if you don’t like yourself, then anyone who loves you must be a loser, too. So, rather than him ending the relationship, he became passive-aggressive that last month, pushing me to do the deed.
After we split, he never hit another meeting. He used for months and months straight. He told me this himself. He’d hook up with chicks, never telling them he was an addict, and other info they should have been told, but then again, he wouldn’t stay with them for very long.
He did eventually hook up with a girl with a kid, of course, not even a year after we split, but he was using right up until the time he met her. That poor girl has no idea what she’s signed herself and her child up for.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg of the after effects.
Eventually talking to him became impossible because he’d be downright hostile at times, and that’s when I broke ties. But this is why I’m definitely a proponent of no contact. Someone who is hell-bent on tossing it away with reckless abandon is not going to add anything worth while or positive to your life. All that connection does is keep you from looking at the future YOU have for YOURSELF. Once you see forward, honestly, you can’t see anything else and you don’t want anything but that future.
Ah! That felt really good to get out! Didn’t think I had it in me. LOL! This thread has been a huge help in more ways than one, I guess. Thanks to everyone who’s been chiming in
I hope Cher is doing okay. Oh, those first days…
Last edited by IForgot70; 05-02-2008 at 10:05 PM.
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I'm new to this forum & so grateful I found it. I'm married to a crack addict who has struggled with this problem for 15+ years. You know the story, 2 yrs. sober then relapse, 4 yrs. sober then relapse, etc., etc. I believe he's relapsed again, although he denies it, but I've been down this road before and know the signs, behavior patterns, etc. Right now he's out of town "on business". Was supposed to be home today - no call, no word, no husband. Two nights ago he was supposed to fly in at 5pm, no call, no word, no husband until after midnight. I'm on that roller coaster again and I know what I need to do to get off this wild and crazy ride, just having a little trouble putting the wheels in motion.
This drug is the devil and I don't understand how a smart, successful, charismatic, charming, guy who has everything going for him, is willing to lose it all just to get high. I pray for strength and courage to do the right thing for myself and my daughter, but am having trouble staying strong. Right now it's hard to see any way out of this craziness, but reading your posts help me face reality and also give me strength. Thank you all for sharing your stories.
This drug is the devil and I don't understand how a smart, successful, charismatic, charming, guy who has everything going for him, is willing to lose it all just to get high. I pray for strength and courage to do the right thing for myself and my daughter, but am having trouble staying strong. Right now it's hard to see any way out of this craziness, but reading your posts help me face reality and also give me strength. Thank you all for sharing your stories.
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Keep the Faith - tears welled up in my eyes as I read your post. I hear you - it is a demon and it doesn't make any sense. As addictive as I am I am just glad that I never tried it. I don't understand what would make people give up all that they have but then I've never done it. That chronic relapsing cycle is brutal to live through. At least you know the drill about the ways to resource yourself. Do you have people that understand what you are going through? It really helped me alot when I got into Naranon and Alanon. My RAH currently has almost 3 years but I'm seeing his relapse dynamic in place and going on big time. He hasn't picked up yet and hopefully won't but if he does then your post is a reminder to me to take care of myself in the meantime. You're right - once you've been down the road you can see the signs coming. Hope that you are doing ok.
IForgot - you are so right about all that you said. I look around me at my meetings sometimes and wonder how the wonderful and nice people are the same ones that lived the stories that I hear them tell. In the BB of AA it states that "alcohol is but a symptom" though. People that are addictive just think a different way than people that aren't. It's so easy to make the right choices when I am doing all that I need to stay "spiritually fit". When I miss a morning meditation or prayer, miss too many meetings, go into my own head alone then I see what begins to happen. And the scariest thing is how fast it happens. My thinking goes back to that crazy making place and things begin to make sense in a different way than when I'm doing the right thing. When things are going well it's easy to get complacent and that's when my patient and eternally watchful disease rubs his evil paws together, starts smirking, and has his eyes light up in anticipation. It's the perfect time to start telling me that maybe I don't have a problem. It is seductive and familiar - so hard not to be swayed by it. But today - I can play the tape through.
I've been coming to this forum now for 3 years and this thread is one of the best that I have ever read. Cher - hope that you are doing okay.
IForgot - you are so right about all that you said. I look around me at my meetings sometimes and wonder how the wonderful and nice people are the same ones that lived the stories that I hear them tell. In the BB of AA it states that "alcohol is but a symptom" though. People that are addictive just think a different way than people that aren't. It's so easy to make the right choices when I am doing all that I need to stay "spiritually fit". When I miss a morning meditation or prayer, miss too many meetings, go into my own head alone then I see what begins to happen. And the scariest thing is how fast it happens. My thinking goes back to that crazy making place and things begin to make sense in a different way than when I'm doing the right thing. When things are going well it's easy to get complacent and that's when my patient and eternally watchful disease rubs his evil paws together, starts smirking, and has his eyes light up in anticipation. It's the perfect time to start telling me that maybe I don't have a problem. It is seductive and familiar - so hard not to be swayed by it. But today - I can play the tape through.
I've been coming to this forum now for 3 years and this thread is one of the best that I have ever read. Cher - hope that you are doing okay.
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lightseeker - Thank you for your post. I've been to Alanon off & on for years & years - haven't found a meeting where I really feel at home yet, but keep looking for one. (There's no Naranon in my area.) Been in therapy as long; my last therapist suggested I file for separation and keep him out of the house at least 6 months. This was when he relapsed in Sept., Oct., Nov. & Dec. of '07 - I asked him to move out in Dec. but continued to maintain contact (I know, a big mistake!) and he was back in the house after a week.
I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what it is in me that keeps sticking around -- it's sick and it's killing me, but I keep hoping he'll change, wanting to believe he'll change, etc. He's a master manipulator and I fall for it every time. We just bought motorcycles and a motorhome and had plans to travel all summer camping out and riding our bikes --- it tears me up every time I see my bike in the garage and realize those plans will never happen. It was all a fantasy and it's so hard to give up those plans and dreams we had for our future - we've been together almost 20 years; I can barely remember my life when he wasn't a part of it. I'm so sad right now.....I have such a big ache inside. One good thing tho is that I'm the sober one & at least our daughter has one healthy (somewhat!) parent.
I appreciate your thoughts & prayers - I just wish I could blink my eyes & I would be on the other side of this nightmare.
I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what it is in me that keeps sticking around -- it's sick and it's killing me, but I keep hoping he'll change, wanting to believe he'll change, etc. He's a master manipulator and I fall for it every time. We just bought motorcycles and a motorhome and had plans to travel all summer camping out and riding our bikes --- it tears me up every time I see my bike in the garage and realize those plans will never happen. It was all a fantasy and it's so hard to give up those plans and dreams we had for our future - we've been together almost 20 years; I can barely remember my life when he wasn't a part of it. I'm so sad right now.....I have such a big ache inside. One good thing tho is that I'm the sober one & at least our daughter has one healthy (somewhat!) parent.
I appreciate your thoughts & prayers - I just wish I could blink my eyes & I would be on the other side of this nightmare.
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Originally Posted by keepthefaith 
I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what it is in me that keeps sticking around -- it's sick and it's killing me, but I keep hoping he'll change, wanting to believe he'll change, etc. He's a master manipulator and I fall for it every time.
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Lightseeker, I thought about it a lot, and you are right, for some people there does not seem to be a choice. My ex is most likely one of those people. That's when I thank my holy stars above that I was one of the lucky ones. There but for the grace of god.... That's when you have to let go of someone and let god work his magic because there is nothing on this earth that can save someone from addiction. It has to come from their HP and from within.
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Hey Cher-
I thought MAYBE this might help you with your current struggle to take things from the emotional to the actual.
Here’s the financial calculation since you first posted:
He’s used 4 times since the end of January that you know of (roughly 3 months). Let’s say he’s doing a “40” every 20 minutes for 12 hours. That’s roughly $1500 a pop. He has now spent on CRACK ALONE roughly $6000 since the end of January. Then you have to factor in lost wages if he's used when he should be at work, and if he needs to take another day off after he uses.
Does he make more than $1500 per day? Per week? If he doesn’t, how is he paying for his crack AND his living expenses AND whatever else for you and your kids? If you invested even one PENNY into helping him with rent or food or paying back dealers, he is NOT a functioning addict and, I HATE to say this darlin’, but he’s using you and he’s knowingly taking money away from your kids for CRACK.
Let’s look at the emotional calculation:
For every second you worry about him, or are thinking about his addiction, or aren’t sure he’s doing what he should be doing, or focusing on how you’ll miss him, and for every second he uses is one second of attention and love taken away from your kids and the future you DO have without him. That’s A LOT of time taken away in just 3 months that you'll never get back.
He may be an integral part of your life, but you are an integral part of his using. If he can’t pay for all of this on his own, then he can’t survive without someone footing the bill. And if he can’t contribute on ANY level, then you will be the soul bread-winner, the soul relationship care taker and basically playing Mother to a grown man if you remain with him. If you had any goals for yourself, you won’t be able to count on him to be there ALL THE TIME supporting you and your kids while you pursue YOUR desires. You’ll be too busy cleaning up after him.
You’re going through what’s similar to what an addict goes through. They end up falling into one of two categories: either they hit a tremendous bottom and have to completely rebuild their life from scratch, or they decide that the life they still have left is worth far more than the drug they love. You’re in the same boat in a way. You can get out now with a bruised heart that WILL heal, BTW, and know you and your kids WILL have a future that YOU can carve out, OR you can go down to whatever bottom HE decides to go to, with your kids in tow.
As Anvil said back in the beginning, “it’s your call.”
I thought MAYBE this might help you with your current struggle to take things from the emotional to the actual.
Here’s the financial calculation since you first posted:
He’s used 4 times since the end of January that you know of (roughly 3 months). Let’s say he’s doing a “40” every 20 minutes for 12 hours. That’s roughly $1500 a pop. He has now spent on CRACK ALONE roughly $6000 since the end of January. Then you have to factor in lost wages if he's used when he should be at work, and if he needs to take another day off after he uses.
Does he make more than $1500 per day? Per week? If he doesn’t, how is he paying for his crack AND his living expenses AND whatever else for you and your kids? If you invested even one PENNY into helping him with rent or food or paying back dealers, he is NOT a functioning addict and, I HATE to say this darlin’, but he’s using you and he’s knowingly taking money away from your kids for CRACK.
Let’s look at the emotional calculation:
For every second you worry about him, or are thinking about his addiction, or aren’t sure he’s doing what he should be doing, or focusing on how you’ll miss him, and for every second he uses is one second of attention and love taken away from your kids and the future you DO have without him. That’s A LOT of time taken away in just 3 months that you'll never get back.
He may be an integral part of your life, but you are an integral part of his using. If he can’t pay for all of this on his own, then he can’t survive without someone footing the bill. And if he can’t contribute on ANY level, then you will be the soul bread-winner, the soul relationship care taker and basically playing Mother to a grown man if you remain with him. If you had any goals for yourself, you won’t be able to count on him to be there ALL THE TIME supporting you and your kids while you pursue YOUR desires. You’ll be too busy cleaning up after him.
You’re going through what’s similar to what an addict goes through. They end up falling into one of two categories: either they hit a tremendous bottom and have to completely rebuild their life from scratch, or they decide that the life they still have left is worth far more than the drug they love. You’re in the same boat in a way. You can get out now with a bruised heart that WILL heal, BTW, and know you and your kids WILL have a future that YOU can carve out, OR you can go down to whatever bottom HE decides to go to, with your kids in tow.
As Anvil said back in the beginning, “it’s your call.”
Last edited by IForgot70; 05-03-2008 at 02:01 PM.
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Originally Posted by IForgot70
If you invested even one PENNY into helping him with rent or food or paying back dealers, he is NOT a functioning addict and, I HATE to say this darlin’, but he’s using you and he’s knowingly taking money away from your kids for CRACK.
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Join Date: May 2005
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oh man.....I so know how you feel. It is sad and you just need to take your time to grieve. Crack has cost me so much in my life and I know that it has cost you in the same way. You are not alone - there are many of us that know the deep anguish that you are feeling. I know that your HP has you and all of your hopes and dreams in his/her hands and that more will be revealed for you. That doesn't mean that the pain isn't overwhelming right now....stay in today and take care to be nice to yourself in the next few days. I know that war that goes on inside - loving him but hating the addict. It's not fair.....No....definitely not fair. I hate what it happening to you and I hate crack (and all other bad drugs). Keep posting and let us be there for you as you struggle with this....thanks for all of your wonderful sharing in the midst of your pain.
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Hey Cher…
That’s why I had prefaced that with “If”. Good you aren’t in it financially, but his own money is earmarked for drugs instead of you, your kids and the future. That’s a financial burden for you now even though you’re not living with him, and it would be a huge burden if you did.
I wish there was a magical fix, but unfortunately there isn’t. This is gonna hurt for a while… BUT you have a choice, too. You can either stick it out with him and get your heart ripped out and handed to you every month, OR you can struggle through this painful time, work on yourself, and concentrate on your future. IF he happens to get clean and stay that way until this day one year from now, then who knows what might happen.
Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. I promise it won’t feel like this forever.
That’s why I had prefaced that with “If”.
Good you aren’t in it financially, but his own money is earmarked for drugs instead of you, your kids and the future. That’s a financial burden for you now even though you’re not living with him, and it would be a huge burden if you did.I wish there was a magical fix, but unfortunately there isn’t. This is gonna hurt for a while… BUT you have a choice, too. You can either stick it out with him and get your heart ripped out and handed to you every month, OR you can struggle through this painful time, work on yourself, and concentrate on your future. IF he happens to get clean and stay that way until this day one year from now, then who knows what might happen.
Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. I promise it won’t feel like this forever.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Cher:
I know your heart is absolutely shattered and beaten and tired and angry and just plain broken. It takes time and *work* to heal and move on. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just ask any recovering addict.
So, you have a couple of choices:
I had mentioned to you before, if you feel it’s just plain inhumane being away from him then take him back. You can just keep going the way things have been, never knowing when his extra time and money will be spent smoking crack, leaving you to be the one to pay with your time and money saving for family vacations and the kids’ futures and everything a couple would do together all on your own until *he* decides enough is enough...
OR
You can let him go *completely* and get on with your life. IF he loves you and the idea of a future with you and your kids more than crack, he will work his ass off in recovery to *prove* it to you *one year later*. The day he gets his one year coin will be the day he calls you and says he’d like to take you out for coffee.
**If you guys are “meant to be” and you *know* he loves you *as much* as you love him, then waiting one year makes no difference what-so-ever. It's merely just a stage in your relationship.**
Remember: you told him he’d lose out on a great future if he used. By staying in contact with him, he loses nothing, but you and your kids get robbed (and in more ways than one).
Don’t make any decision right away. Think about it for a while.
I know your heart is absolutely shattered and beaten and tired and angry and just plain broken. It takes time and *work* to heal and move on. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just ask any recovering addict.
So, you have a couple of choices:
I had mentioned to you before, if you feel it’s just plain inhumane being away from him then take him back. You can just keep going the way things have been, never knowing when his extra time and money will be spent smoking crack, leaving you to be the one to pay with your time and money saving for family vacations and the kids’ futures and everything a couple would do together all on your own until *he* decides enough is enough...
OR
You can let him go *completely* and get on with your life. IF he loves you and the idea of a future with you and your kids more than crack, he will work his ass off in recovery to *prove* it to you *one year later*. The day he gets his one year coin will be the day he calls you and says he’d like to take you out for coffee.
**If you guys are “meant to be” and you *know* he loves you *as much* as you love him, then waiting one year makes no difference what-so-ever. It's merely just a stage in your relationship.**
Remember: you told him he’d lose out on a great future if he used. By staying in contact with him, he loses nothing, but you and your kids get robbed (and in more ways than one).
Don’t make any decision right away. Think about it for a while.
Last edited by hope4always; 05-04-2008 at 11:36 AM.
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Cher -- My heart breaks for you - I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I could have written your post almost word for word except I haven't had the big good-bye yet - I'll be doing that once I meet with my lawyer on Tuesday. That's when I will either decide to legally separate or start divorce action. What is most frustrating is that my addict insists "it's all in my head", "I can never be happy", "I have no reason to complain because he provides for us so well", "I love crisis", etc. - it's all ME. What he fails to mention is why he's been gone for days on end without contact, why he refused to take a drug test after coming home from being gone days, and why he had a used drug test in his truck, along with 2 gallons of water and a bottle of B vitamins. He is so good at making me think I am the one losing my mind.....when I know I have to remember that I'm the sober, sane one and he is the addict! The hardest part is trying to keep my sh*t together and be a good mother to my 13 year old daughter who insists she hates her dad and doesn't want to talk to him or about him any more.
Llightseeker - I love reading your posts -you sound so strong and give me strength that there will be light at the end of this awful tunnel. I wish I could go from point A-Z without having to deal with all the crap in between. My addict is a master manipulator and I don't want to even be in the same room with him because he knows what buttons to push, what to say to make my doubt myself and how to make me feel I'm the crazy one. Right now he's gone for 3 days on business and I am so thankful he's out of here. My daughter and I spent last night in a hotel just so we wouldn't have to deal with him when he came home from his latest "trip" - hate to be the one who has to run away, but at least I didn't have to worry he would come home and there'd be a big blow up like so many times before. The absurdity of it all is that he text's me this morning on his way out of town like nothing is happening in our life....tells me how great his motorcycle looks, tells me to reassure our daughter everything is okay and how a divorce would ruin her life....how can he not address the craziness that's been going on in our lives for the last few weeks?? It's like we're living two different lives! (which we probably are.) I'm dumbfounded but have to keep reminding myself that it's his addiction talking and I don't and can't believe a word he says.
Anvilhead -- I totally agree with you - It's so hard accepting the reality of what IS - I thought he was my best friend, my partner, the one I could depend on to take care of us and grow old together. We've been together almost 20 years. It's heartbreaking to accept the fact that all of that is a fantasy. I feel angry at myself for sticking around so long and not making a break sooner, and I also feel angry at him for letting a drug destroy all my dreams and affect our daughter. It's like mourning a death, the death of a relationship that was basically built on fantasy and wishes - that were all mine.
Sorry to go on so long with this post --- I truly appreciate all your postings and advice. Reading about your experiences and how you've overcome situations like mine really gives me strength. Sometimes I feel like the world is closing in on me and the pain is almost too much to bear, but I won't let my addict destroy me along with himself. I will make it thru this and I know things will get better with time.
God bless you Cher -- you made the right decision and you will get thru this sad time. We have to think of ourselves and take care of ourselves first and foremost, and let the addict take care of himself, however he chooses to do that. I hate what he's doing but know I'm powerless to stop him. The hardest thing is to accept that and walk away, but we must turn our addict him over to God and let the chips fall where they may.
Llightseeker - I love reading your posts -you sound so strong and give me strength that there will be light at the end of this awful tunnel. I wish I could go from point A-Z without having to deal with all the crap in between. My addict is a master manipulator and I don't want to even be in the same room with him because he knows what buttons to push, what to say to make my doubt myself and how to make me feel I'm the crazy one. Right now he's gone for 3 days on business and I am so thankful he's out of here. My daughter and I spent last night in a hotel just so we wouldn't have to deal with him when he came home from his latest "trip" - hate to be the one who has to run away, but at least I didn't have to worry he would come home and there'd be a big blow up like so many times before. The absurdity of it all is that he text's me this morning on his way out of town like nothing is happening in our life....tells me how great his motorcycle looks, tells me to reassure our daughter everything is okay and how a divorce would ruin her life....how can he not address the craziness that's been going on in our lives for the last few weeks?? It's like we're living two different lives! (which we probably are.) I'm dumbfounded but have to keep reminding myself that it's his addiction talking and I don't and can't believe a word he says.
Anvilhead -- I totally agree with you - It's so hard accepting the reality of what IS - I thought he was my best friend, my partner, the one I could depend on to take care of us and grow old together. We've been together almost 20 years. It's heartbreaking to accept the fact that all of that is a fantasy. I feel angry at myself for sticking around so long and not making a break sooner, and I also feel angry at him for letting a drug destroy all my dreams and affect our daughter. It's like mourning a death, the death of a relationship that was basically built on fantasy and wishes - that were all mine.
Sorry to go on so long with this post --- I truly appreciate all your postings and advice. Reading about your experiences and how you've overcome situations like mine really gives me strength. Sometimes I feel like the world is closing in on me and the pain is almost too much to bear, but I won't let my addict destroy me along with himself. I will make it thru this and I know things will get better with time.
God bless you Cher -- you made the right decision and you will get thru this sad time. We have to think of ourselves and take care of ourselves first and foremost, and let the addict take care of himself, however he chooses to do that. I hate what he's doing but know I'm powerless to stop him. The hardest thing is to accept that and walk away, but we must turn our addict him over to God and let the chips fall where they may.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Hope4 Always --- You "hit the nail on the head" with the 2 choices you wrote about. The first choice is so right on --- I've been there many times, and now I'm still back in the same situation as always before. Dah!! -- Guess that doesn't work does it?
I know in my heart that choice number 2 is the one I need to make....I pray for the strength to make that choice and to STICK TO IT.
Thank you for putting into words what I so need to do.
I know in my heart that choice number 2 is the one I need to make....I pray for the strength to make that choice and to STICK TO IT.
Thank you for putting into words what I so need to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Keepthefaith:
You know, you are one strong cookie if you have lived to tell your story after being with an addict for 20 years. It’s getting that confidence to channel that *very same energy* into something different.
The whole deal really is extremely similar to what a recovering addict goes through. All of the energy an addict puts into getting that damned drug somehow gets shifted into getting closer and closer to the glimmer of light they finally saw in a life without drugs.
So, sweetie, I hope you see in yourself and your story what *I* see, and that’s an extremely strong woman who has seen the glimmer of light that has *her* name written on it.
You know, you are one strong cookie if you have lived to tell your story after being with an addict for 20 years. It’s getting that confidence to channel that *very same energy* into something different.
The whole deal really is extremely similar to what a recovering addict goes through. All of the energy an addict puts into getting that damned drug somehow gets shifted into getting closer and closer to the glimmer of light they finally saw in a life without drugs.
So, sweetie, I hope you see in yourself and your story what *I* see, and that’s an extremely strong woman who has seen the glimmer of light that has *her* name written on it.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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It’s sort of similar to my friend’s cousin and her man right now. She promises “if you use again we’re over” and he promises “I wont use because I don’t want to lose you.” He ends up using anyway and she takes him back anyway.
All the while her 3 kids get close to him when he isn’t using only to have him disappear because of drugs or because she “ends” it. Then they have to try to figure out why Mommy is a wreck – AGAIN - and “The Guy” is gone – AGAIN.
But as I had said before, she’s just so head-over-heels about him that she only sees HER FEELINGS. I honestly think she won't cut him loose because she knows somewhere in her that he'll just move on.
In that case, as Anvil said, it's better to have half a person some of the time RIGHT NOW, than it is to wait how ever long for a whole, healthy person to be around ALL of the time.
Whatever the case may be, it's just really a horribly sad situation for everyone involved.
All the while her 3 kids get close to him when he isn’t using only to have him disappear because of drugs or because she “ends” it. Then they have to try to figure out why Mommy is a wreck – AGAIN - and “The Guy” is gone – AGAIN.
But as I had said before, she’s just so head-over-heels about him that she only sees HER FEELINGS. I honestly think she won't cut him loose because she knows somewhere in her that he'll just move on.
In that case, as Anvil said, it's better to have half a person some of the time RIGHT NOW, than it is to wait how ever long for a whole, healthy person to be around ALL of the time.
Whatever the case may be, it's just really a horribly sad situation for everyone involved.
Last edited by IForgot70; 05-04-2008 at 02:48 PM.
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I really agree with what hope4 wrote that our recovery journey is so similar to the addict's journey. I've never done crack but I am in recovery for alcoholism (I live in the land of the retired party girls) and although that's been hard - it's nothing compared to this anon stuff. I swear - when I hear RAH talking about crack and the way that he use to feel about crack all I have to do is substitute the way that I USE to feel about him. Thank God all the chaos, pain, drama, angst, worry finally ate away at the love addicted feeling that I use to have towards him. The pain from walking away from him abruptly would have been searing but it would have been a quick cauterization.....as opposed to this slow boat of pain and difficulties that have come with his sobriety. Geez - thought that sobriety would have been pie in the sky land....not for this duo. I love the promises though "we will come to the point where we won't regret the past nor want to close the door on it". I'm not there yet but I can honestly say that I see a glimmer of light through the trees. I'm finally turning into someone that I can stand living with. My path has been to learn to care enough about myself to stand up for myself....rescue that little girl peeking out from behind my skirts that never could count on me taking care of her. If I had not returned (again and again and again to RAH) I wouldn't have hurt enough to finally do what I needed to do to make that connection to that little girl inside of me. I would have gotten away from him, stopped my "own" work sooner or later and then found me another man with a addiction that I discovered after I had already fallen in love with him. My "disease" would certainly progress - that I know – if I am not maintaining my spiritual fitness. I tell you - having to deal with RAH is enough to have me praying, meditating, and meeting 24/7. And I have benefitted from that in the long run. Not playing it out until I hit my bottom would have been a mistake for me. I finally got to the point that I realized how sick I was and that I need to be a life-long card carrying member of recovery groups. Hopefully, you guys won't have to take it down to where I went....I wouldn't recommend it but there is hope if I'm doing it.
That is the long way of saying that I believe it is important not to beat ourselves up for staying, going, returning, staying gone - it really is "whatever it takes" and the true story is really the one about us. What is it that we need to reach down and learn and do for ourselves? What does it take to recognize that we have holes in our soul that are filled temporarily when we find addictive love? My bottom with alcohol was a fairly high one. BUT my bottom with loving addicts has been about as low as you can go.
There is a way out and one of the first ways to begin is to be gentle with ourselves. We are each doing the very best that we can do at any given moment. The last time I broke up and returned to RAH (tho AH then) was 3 years ago this month. I wish that the posts from back then had not disappeared because I was right there with the same story and the same words and the same feelings that I ready daily. I can pretty firmly state that the one thing that I've learned is that it isn't about "him" it's all about me. No more "why won't he get sober, do the right thing, go to meetings, work the steps, doesn't he love our live together and what we could have?" Instead of all of those questions I'm finally realizing that the only questions that I have a chance of answering are "why do I love someone like that, what's going on inside of me that accepts this kind of thing, what's really happening here" and what can I do to begin to heal my soul?
Hope that everyone is doing ok this afternoon....Cher, Keepthefaith, and all the others in and out of our forum that are in pain. Always remember that the hands of Alanon and Naraon, and Sober Recoveryanon are reaching out. None of us is alone - it is in our sharing that our healing begins.
That is the long way of saying that I believe it is important not to beat ourselves up for staying, going, returning, staying gone - it really is "whatever it takes" and the true story is really the one about us. What is it that we need to reach down and learn and do for ourselves? What does it take to recognize that we have holes in our soul that are filled temporarily when we find addictive love? My bottom with alcohol was a fairly high one. BUT my bottom with loving addicts has been about as low as you can go.
There is a way out and one of the first ways to begin is to be gentle with ourselves. We are each doing the very best that we can do at any given moment. The last time I broke up and returned to RAH (tho AH then) was 3 years ago this month. I wish that the posts from back then had not disappeared because I was right there with the same story and the same words and the same feelings that I ready daily. I can pretty firmly state that the one thing that I've learned is that it isn't about "him" it's all about me. No more "why won't he get sober, do the right thing, go to meetings, work the steps, doesn't he love our live together and what we could have?" Instead of all of those questions I'm finally realizing that the only questions that I have a chance of answering are "why do I love someone like that, what's going on inside of me that accepts this kind of thing, what's really happening here" and what can I do to begin to heal my soul?
Hope that everyone is doing ok this afternoon....Cher, Keepthefaith, and all the others in and out of our forum that are in pain. Always remember that the hands of Alanon and Naraon, and Sober Recoveryanon are reaching out. None of us is alone - it is in our sharing that our healing begins.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted by lightseeker
That is the long way of saying that I believe it is important not to beat ourselves up for staying, going, returning, staying gone - it really is "whatever it takes" and the true story is really the one about us.
The big difference with my story is I didn’t have kids. Whatever crazy crap happened was totally on me. No little ones had to sit by and watch something that’s incomprehensible to even a full grown adult. How do they see all of this? Mommy’s hurting and they don’t get why. “The Guy” is here, then he isn't, then he is. This is what kids will see as a HEALTHY relationship.
This is NOT to say these are $hitty parents. It’s just pointing out that doing “whatever it takes” to stick by an addict who has proven they’ll invest in their addiction rather than you and your kids future MIGHT not exactly be the best choice for you or your kids.
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didn't mean to suggest that at all. When you have kids they should be the number one priority. It should change everything. Unfortunately, many times we believe that things won't really impact them, they "love him" so much, etc. but they are impacted....and it is never in good way. Didn't mean to leave that part out.....I've felt that what we place our kids in those types of situations we are potentially patterning them to either put up with a user or become one.
It's just all so difficult when it shouldn't be.
It's just all so difficult when it shouldn't be.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Iffy-
It’s difficult to watch, I know.
And here I blow my cover as to why I’m here.
A friend of mine divorced her alcoholic husband when she was 27. Her boy was 4 and her girl was 2. He wasn’t abusive to her or the kids, but he wasn’t “there” as father and husband and he was a fish.
At 29, she met a great guy who eventually turned out to be a crack addict. He, too, not abusive to her or the kids, but he was *more* “there” than he ex-husband, so she stayed with him. That lasted until she was 34. Her boy was 11 and her girl was 9.
At 35, she met another great guy. He was supposedly a recovering alcoholic with 2 years under his belt. He was *more* there than the other guys were. Then he moved in and she found out he hadn’t exactly been sober for 2 years. He wasn’t abusive to her or the kids, and didn’t drink nearly as much as her ex-husband did, but the behaviors were there. That lasted until she was 39. This year. Her boy is 16 and her girl is 14.
She now looks at me like a deer caught in the headlights wondering why her boy acts out and disrespects her, and why her little baby girl is just a tad more interested in boys than anything else. And not just boys, but boys with a questionable reputation at school.
I don’t know what to say to her at this point without her getting defensive. How do you tell someone who really has been mother and father to these kids, and who was *luckily* able to be sole provider through all of this stuff, that *maybe* it has something to do with these completely dysfunctional relationships?
I knew everyone of these guys. With the exception of her husband, and even he had redeeming qualities to a certain extent, these guys were smart and had good jobs and *seemed* to be trying to get through their “issues”.
She’s one of my dearest friends. She, obviously, leads with her heart, while I lead with my head. So, we balance each other out. But I’ve had to at times not be around her because it kills me, absolutely kills me, that this *intensely* intelligent and educated person keeps doing this to herself and her kids. And I just can’t watch it anymore. Or hear it anymore.
My “crystal ball” you spoke of was spending one day reading a support group. That’s all I needed to make my decision. Did it hurt to do it? Immensely. But I wasn’t going to put my life and everything I had worked for up for grabs for a guy who *might* have to lose everything he had worked for for crack. And it was the best thing I did because he DID lose it all.
I’m living the future I intended to live and he’s living an addict’s future as we speak.
It’s difficult to watch, I know.
And here I blow my cover as to why I’m here.
A friend of mine divorced her alcoholic husband when she was 27. Her boy was 4 and her girl was 2. He wasn’t abusive to her or the kids, but he wasn’t “there” as father and husband and he was a fish.
At 29, she met a great guy who eventually turned out to be a crack addict. He, too, not abusive to her or the kids, but he was *more* “there” than he ex-husband, so she stayed with him. That lasted until she was 34. Her boy was 11 and her girl was 9.
At 35, she met another great guy. He was supposedly a recovering alcoholic with 2 years under his belt. He was *more* there than the other guys were. Then he moved in and she found out he hadn’t exactly been sober for 2 years. He wasn’t abusive to her or the kids, and didn’t drink nearly as much as her ex-husband did, but the behaviors were there. That lasted until she was 39. This year. Her boy is 16 and her girl is 14.
She now looks at me like a deer caught in the headlights wondering why her boy acts out and disrespects her, and why her little baby girl is just a tad more interested in boys than anything else. And not just boys, but boys with a questionable reputation at school.
I don’t know what to say to her at this point without her getting defensive. How do you tell someone who really has been mother and father to these kids, and who was *luckily* able to be sole provider through all of this stuff, that *maybe* it has something to do with these completely dysfunctional relationships?
I knew everyone of these guys. With the exception of her husband, and even he had redeeming qualities to a certain extent, these guys were smart and had good jobs and *seemed* to be trying to get through their “issues”.
She’s one of my dearest friends. She, obviously, leads with her heart, while I lead with my head. So, we balance each other out. But I’ve had to at times not be around her because it kills me, absolutely kills me, that this *intensely* intelligent and educated person keeps doing this to herself and her kids. And I just can’t watch it anymore. Or hear it anymore.
My “crystal ball” you spoke of was spending one day reading a support group. That’s all I needed to make my decision. Did it hurt to do it? Immensely. But I wasn’t going to put my life and everything I had worked for up for grabs for a guy who *might* have to lose everything he had worked for for crack. And it was the best thing I did because he DID lose it all.
I’m living the future I intended to live and he’s living an addict’s future as we speak.
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