cherbear79

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cherbear79

Thank you for this information. And what I quoted above really stands out in my mind... to get out of the chaos and drama of HIS addiction would be a nice change of pace. Although it will be easier said then done, since I will still be really worried about him, and wondering if he's ok..

Impurrfect

Anvil's right. I still worry about my XABF and if he's okay. I had to accept the facts, though. There's not one damn thing I can do to help him when he doesn't want help. And even when he SAYS he wants help, his ACTIONS speak otherwise.

My dad offered to pay for rehab for me when I was using...didn't want it. In fact, I had FREE rehab available to me, but I chose to keep using. It wasn't until I decided that I'd had enough of using, that I chose recovery, and did what I needed to do.

It is hard, to let them go. But it is what needs to be done, otherwise you get dragged down with him. It's not a sign that you don't love him. In fact, it's the greatest gift of love you can give an addict...let them hit bottom. As long as you enable him, let him use you for a soft place to land, you are only prolonging his ability to use, and, as some wise person here said "you can love them to their death".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

No contact means no contact. It's a difficult choice that we have to make when dealing with addicted loves one. Otherwise they keep calling us, keep lieing to us, keep trying to suck us into their disease.

It's not easy to cut off all contact with an addict because they don't just go away or get the picture like other people. They keep trying to be in our lives. Problem is that we do care, but we also know that they are TOXIC to us. So we choose to not answer the phone when they call, or the door if they stop by, We don't pick up the phone and call them if we want to know how they are doing. We don't send them a Christmas card or ask their mother or their friends how they are. We simply have no contact.

It's kind of like how the addict has to stop using drugs to save their life. We have to stop being in contact with the addict in order to protect ourselves and our families.

cherbear79

But is this no contact something I have to maintain for life??? In other words, I will NEVER see or talk to my EABF again??

hello-kitty

Just for today, I will have NO contact with my addict. I will not answer the phone. I will not call him. I will not be sucked into his lies and deceptions. I will not be a part of his disease. Just for today, I will focus on myself and my kids and making sure that we have the best, drug free, drama free, addict free lives possible.

cherbear79

One day at a time... right... I have to start learning to actually 'apply' that kind of thinking in my real life. I'm a 'planner', so that's very hard for me.

Chino

Plan to live one day at a time

itisatruth

Sounds like you're on the right path, coming here and taking steps....

All I want to add is this:

I felt the same way about my husband as you did about your fiance. He was great in so many ways. About a year into our marriage, he started to relapse (his DOC was meth). Then pain killers. Someone posted that addiction is ugly. IT IS. There's no way around that fact. My husband has been in and out of NA and I have been living a roller coaster ride for years.

If I knew then what I know now.......

cherbear79

Thank you everyone. Well... today was the big day. I officially broke off the relationship with the person that I thought I was going to grow old with... the person that meant (means) the world to me. I shut the door, he's gone. He took everything that was here at my house and we went our separate ways. He completely understood why I'm ending things... he said that he knows that he's the one that did this, that his addiction destroyed what we worked so hard to create. But oddly enough, even though he understands and takes ownership of his role in this, that makes me love him that much more. This is unreal... i'm in complete distress and am completely devastated. I love him so much, and I can't imagine my life (and my kids lives) without him in it. How do you just walk away , and find the strength inside to know that what you're doing is right in the LONG run, but so unbelievable hard in the NOW.

kj21

It is probobly one of the hardest things to do, walk away from someone you love, who you know has good qualities too. I am still taking baby step away...we don't live together but I just can't totally break off the friendship which I know he is hoping will become more. I truly thought he was the one I would grow old with too, my kids loved him...addiction is so ugly and progressive, it gets so much worse, and that makes them feel ashamed and sorry, and us feel sorry and hopeful for them. So hard, good luck and try to keep busy! call friends, go to movies, keep your mind occupied so you don't obsess over him and what you two could have had. Just my 2 cents! happy Easter!

hope4always

You’re reaction to his taking responsibility is interesting. My ex said the same thing and it only made me angry.

You need to give yourself time to grieve. You just ended it with someone you thought you’d go the distance with. Luckily for you you didn’t live together because it sucks that much more when you’re used to having the person around day in and day out.

What got me through it was believing above all else the reason I ended the relationship was more important than how I felt right then. Bottom line, I HATE drama. Life tosses out enough curve balls and I wasn’t willing to be catcher for Team Crack anymore. So, in the beginning, when I began to think of the good things about him and how I really missed those things, at the end of the day, no amount of love or good memories I had of him could erase the facts that he blew me off and disappeared for hours to smoke crack. Or that he lied to me. That’s not love. That’s not respect.

Of course, if you feel being separated from the person you love that much is just plain inhumane, you can always reverse your decision. You just have to accept there are varying degrees of risks and consequences for you and your kids.

Msguy

Cherbear-

There isn't a right answer, but I can tell you that your choice would have to be live with the addiction, lies, etc., the rest of your life (or the rest of his), or walk away. I used to think that everyone could get sober and stay that way. Now I know that's not true, and some addicts cannot get clean and stay clean, no matter what.

I gave my fiancee everything in the world she wanted-a nice home, a man she loved and who loved her, a safe place for her son, no financial problems. All she had to do was stay clean. But the addiction got her, and I lost her a month ago. So it's true, you have to let them see if they can stay clean-and you take care of yourself.

IForgot70

So funny I came across this today, as I was talking to someone about this just yesterday. I forgot my old username and password, so I’ve had to create another account. Duh.

I remember when I was gathering my ex’s stuff after I kicked him out that I came across some papers from either his rehab or day program some months before. The papers were all self-evaluation-type things, but the one that stood out was the one about resentments. The addict was to list people closest to them and rate how much they resented them. There were a few people listed, like his parents and siblings, a couple friends and me. To my complete shock the 2 people that were off the charts, equal in resentment…? His father, a raging alcoholic who, when not physically assaulting him when he was a child, would be completely indifferent to him otherwise… and me. EQUALLY resented.

Huh?!

I didn’t get it. It made absolutely no sense to me. I treated him like a human being, and with love and respect. I was supportive. Hell, people in NA and others had remarked to me how nice it was that I was as supportive as I was considering some of the circumstances. Some even commented that they wished they had had someone supportive during whatever point in their life or during the early stages of their recovery. So, I couldn’t figure out where this incredible resentment was coming from.

I had remembered he told me on a number of occasions during the last 4 months or so of the relationship that he knew my declining health was his fault, and that everything that was strained or wrong in our relationship was because of him. And he didn’t understand why he was treating me poorly when all I did were good things for him. And these things came out randomly and at odd times. In other words, there wasn’t anything for him to gain by saying these things when he said them. And the last month of the relationship, he became rather passive-aggressive. And that’s when I said enough.

So, I had talked to some recovering addicts about this resentment – a couple who knew him and a couple who didn’t - and they basically said to one degree or another I got through some small crack in that wall of his. Not putting some dramatic, romantic spin on this. Just that I touched him in some way. And for an active addict, that's threatening to their addiction pretty much.

What added the deepest dimension to the resentment was my active support of him being noticed by others in recovery. When they would make those comments to me, he wasn’t around, so they must have mentioned it to him at other times. Those in recovery said his knowing that just made the situation even worse for him in his mind. Now others could see what a loser he was, especially since he was, in essence, “sabotaging” a good relationship. Again, this is not putting some romantic spin on this, and that I was the ONLY person he ever loved, and all that nonsense.

And what makes this all even stranger is here we a couple of years after the relationship ended that he’s doing some pre-emptive strike. While I’m sure he’s not running around and trashing me arbitrarily, I do know he is currently attempting to re-write history, painting me as being unstable and someone who viewed him as being the be-all, end-all of my existence, and I basically lost my identity because of him.

The other thing that makes no sense is of all the dirty secrets I know about him, I’d think he’d want to completely avoid the fact that I even exist. I mean, if someone knew about me all that I know about him, I’d either keep them close and remain on their good side, or I’d never even acknowledge I knew them at all.

So, believe me, there’s absolutely nothing pretty, sweet or romantic about being resented because you touched someone in some way. In fact, it’s very sad, tragic and pathetic. And it’s not bad enough that being kind and generous to someone has gotten you nothing but grief, but they add insult to injury by ripping apart and crapping on your memory as well.

Sorry for the length! Thought it might be useful to somebody.

hope4always

Ouch. What a shame.

Well, at least you know you hit something somewhere; that you reached your ex on some level. I think of so many people who tried so hard to reach their addict with absolutely no success.

On the other hand, you got yourself a double whammy situation.

Just goes to show it's always a no-win situation.

IForgot70

Yeah, it really stinks until you see a situation where kids are involved, though. A friend’s cousin with 2 little boys and a girl is so enamored with this “great guy” she’s been involved with for a couple of years (and he does have a great PERSONALITY) that she isn’t taking the warning signs seriously. She’s heard the horror stories from others about an addict, but “just because it happened to them, doesn’t mean it’ll happen to me. My guy REALLY loves me and my love for him will save him.”

She just CANNOT be without him. And I just don’t understand this thinking, especially when kids are involved. She doesn’t get that her kids, at the VERY least, will most likely end up resenting HER in the long run. They’re seeing now that her “love” for HIM and supporting him with recovery (which is a total farce, BTW), means more to her… at least that’s how THEY’LL see it. She doesn’t get that the kids feel her stress when he does his disappearing acts. They may not understand what’s going on, but they know something’s up. And of course, what does all of this tell them about what relationships are all about?

This is one of those situations, I fear, where something really terrible will have to happen before she “gets it”... MAYBE. It’ll be some irrevocable damage, too. Either the guy will loan out the car to a dealer, so the dealer now has the address AND the house keys, or the ex-husband will sue her for custody if he finds out this guy is an addict. And he ain’t the best parent either.

So, my being hated or resented by some addict means very little when a story like this pops up.

kidsandmemake3

In this thread, I feel like I have read my own story over and over... Bad first marraige, two "tweenage" kids, Mr. Wonderful-peaceful comes along, 2nd marraige, and then the other shoe drops. Once I realized that there was a serious addiction problem, I sought information regarding the consequences or repercussions of his addiction that might affect me or the kids.

Let me preface this with a couple details... I have two disabled children who are on medicaid for health care and they go to public school. I say that because these factors mean that social workers are a part of the counseling program at school and I am accountable to medicaid for creating a home enviornment which supports the health care that they are receiving. Not that I need to hide anything from anyone, but I also did not know if my ignorance of hubby's drug use might cause problems for me or the kids.

I do not use, and when I learned that if any amount of illegal drugs were found on or in the premisis of my home, car, etc. I would go to jail and my kids would be taken away (even having them taken away "temporarily" poses a risk that I would spend years fighting the system and then the ex to get them back)...

There were no questions in my mind about what needed to happen. I had to tell hubby to leave the house and take his drugs with him. I had to make an obvious move so that any court or social worker who might "look in on" the situation would have no doubt that I am making moves to remedy the situation.

That was six weeks ago. The first two weeks I did not communicate w/him a whole lot. The second 2 weeks I made efforts to show common courtesy and started communicating w/him but it ended up in a lot of blame filled arguments and despite his insistance that he has been clean, the crazy talk was getting worse. I verbally cornered him Friday night after a really bad conversation and insisted he get a drug test first thing in the morning. I showed up with mj and cocaine.

I understand so well you plight about a wonderful man who has made terrible choices. My hubby is that way as well, but no amount of love between us can fix him. No amount of love between him and I would fix it if my kids were ever taken away from me or I went to jail for his drugs being in my residence or vehicle... the risk that this man who claimed he loved me put is in is just inexcusable. That is not love, for me or for my children. No one who loved us would ever allow the risk of family devistation into the home.

I find motivation to progress with divorcing the addict husband because I have come to the understanding that the negative consequences of staying married outweigh the consequences of divorce. The tears, grief, loss and sadness are present but I take comfort that I am keeping me and the kids as a family unit in tact.

Take courage... you are not alone...

IForgot70

THANK YOU FOR THIS! This is exactly the very heart of this issue. EXACTLY. And you don’t have to married to them or even living with them. There doesn’t need to be any drugs on the premises. What if he gets pulled over after flying high, or worse yet, gets busted while in the crack house? Or is followed by police or an angry dealer from a buy to a motel room? If the ex-spouse gets wind of this...? Bad news.

The other issue is ANYONE can call Child And Family Services on that parent. All it takes is an anonymous tip and that parent will not only be run through an investigation, but the ex-spouse will then be notified, and then a WHOLE OTHER set of issues crops up. And for what? I have to ask, is an addict, who has already lied to you, disappeared on you, doing god only knows what when their using and spending money on drugs instead of you and your kids, worth MORE than your own kids? Because hanging onto an addict, even if they are the nicest person on the planet otherwise, is EXACTLY what you’re saying to your kids in the long and short run.

The majority of us got involved with our addicts because we thought they were “wonderful with a problem.” There aren’t many people I know who cruised the shelters and the streets looking for love. So when people like my friend’s cousin tune out those OBVIOUS signs (disappearing acts, “white” lies, vagueness, etc) and looks EXCLUSIVELY at how SHE feels about him and his wonderfulness, I get REALLY sad for the kids, since they have NO say... even if he is good to them. They will be the ONLY victims in the end.

You have to wonder, how would these parents feel if their own kid came home with a mate who was an addict? I’m pretty sure 99% of them would be completely against it even if the addicted mate was “wonderful”.

Thank you again for this posting! I’m SO glad to hear that even though this is extremely painful for you that you see the whole picture and have the courage and strength to move forward if for no other reason than for your kids.

:ghug3

kidsandmemake3

Thanks, I forgot70. I just re-read my post and I meant to say that hubby's u-test had mj and cocaine... I forgot the "t" in "It" in that sentence... anyway, that positive test was what slapped me in the face and made me realize that the white elephant in my living room was a LOT bigger than I realized. I became fully committed to move forward with divorce regardless of my feelings of "love" toward him as a person. My love for him as a husband is shattered and there is absolutely no trust. I need to learn more about love in a much healthier way.

Sooooo, to continue to thank you for your posting back... I am glad that you brought up about these important factors:

."

You really hit it on the nail with that one. That fact was another reason for my decision for seperation and divorce.

This thread of postings has really meant a lot to me. I am so glad it was started. I am so glad that I am not the only one who is putting my foot down and not picking it up.... not now, not in the future no matter how much begging, promises, or tears come, and no matter how difficult the financial situation may become because of a divorce and being single-mom again. No amount of money, or lack thereof, is worth staying around an addict who is refusing to pony up to his recovery. Me and my kids are not for sale or lease and I will not let financial matters intimidate me out of my decision.

I am so glad for you other folks out there who have seen that Prince Charming has turned back into a frog, and it is more important to acknowledge he is a frog than pretend he is Prince Charming.

Thank y'all for starting this post, and for all who have contributed to it.

hello-kitty

Wow kidsandmemake3. Great stuff. Thanks.