Story of a wonderful man w/ a horrible problem...
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
How about you being ok? What can you do for you to get the focus off of him?
cher its hard when you have no idea if they are dead or alive...................but in time I came to realize that at that moment HE was doing just want he wanted or needed to do and hed turn up when done.................always did
and I reminded myself that at that moment he wasnt thinking of us worried about us and I just give up........no need to look if he wanted to be found hed be home.
I liked this quote from lies because it encaptures exactly how I would feel when my AH was "awol". It was all I could focus on, all I could think of. I would be short with my kids or anyone else in the way. A lot for me was not whether he was dead or in jail, it was about money too -- how much this time. I would "awfulize" the situation -- it had to be the worst case scenario because then, if it wasn't, it would be a bonus. It was kind of a sick way of preparing myself for the worst. And it took it's tole -- in my work, with my kids, with my health (I have extreme anxiety that I am now learning to get control over). And the more I let him treat me this way, the worse it got. I had to truly learn how to detach and to "let go and let god" and trust that my HP would prevail. I had to do it to literally save my own life.
I know how tough it is but he will surface when he is ready. Do you have a plan as to what to do then? I would, way to often, be his soft place to fall because I was so worried about him. It only enabled his disease to progress. It is my hope, now that we have separated, that he will "see the light". But I'm not holding my breathe. Instead, I chose to worry about me. I have spent way to long worrying about him.
Do something for you and take care
Laurie
cher its hard when you have no idea if they are dead or alive...................but in time I came to realize that at that moment HE was doing just want he wanted or needed to do and hed turn up when done.................always did
and I reminded myself that at that moment he wasnt thinking of us worried about us and I just give up........no need to look if he wanted to be found hed be home.
I liked this quote from lies because it encaptures exactly how I would feel when my AH was "awol". It was all I could focus on, all I could think of. I would be short with my kids or anyone else in the way. A lot for me was not whether he was dead or in jail, it was about money too -- how much this time. I would "awfulize" the situation -- it had to be the worst case scenario because then, if it wasn't, it would be a bonus. It was kind of a sick way of preparing myself for the worst. And it took it's tole -- in my work, with my kids, with my health (I have extreme anxiety that I am now learning to get control over). And the more I let him treat me this way, the worse it got. I had to truly learn how to detach and to "let go and let god" and trust that my HP would prevail. I had to do it to literally save my own life.
I know how tough it is but he will surface when he is ready. Do you have a plan as to what to do then? I would, way to often, be his soft place to fall because I was so worried about him. It only enabled his disease to progress. It is my hope, now that we have separated, that he will "see the light". But I'm not holding my breathe. Instead, I chose to worry about me. I have spent way to long worrying about him.
Do something for you and take care
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
in the beginning of the crack binges Oh I would completely flip...............but even that calmed down after awhile
so onetime maybe time before last................he texted me in the am after a binge and I was at that moment with my mom who by this time was really sick of the relapses and in the middle of giving me the "you need to leave" speech so...........my phone beeps the text says "I'm alive"
and no way at that moment was I going to text back not to hear her MORE.................so I didnt I just moved my phone and thought to myself I'll get her out of her then find out where he is and basically what my next move was .............so about 5 or 10 mins goes by ( I have 2 phones one for work) and the work phone beeps............text "i'm alive"
and it was like a light bulb went off and it hit me...............he knows!!!! he knows I'm scared to death he knows I'm waiting like a lunitic to find out if hes alive or not
Now, that doesnt mean I dont still feel panic but now I am just better able to reassure myself and remind myself that hes More than likely fine and I'm worried
For me AT this point its the after binge that still freaks me out because hes gets to such lows he truely does want to die.....but of course he does the drug just dumped all the "good chemicals" into his system at once and hes crashing......he will be depressed not to mention all the damage he does to everyone by using
moral of my long winded story is...................they know we worry and we in a sense "teach" them that we'll be right here "waiting"
its UP to US to make it stop..................Logically I know this and right now am working hard to make the changes in me..........am I there yet? no but I'm trying
so onetime maybe time before last................he texted me in the am after a binge and I was at that moment with my mom who by this time was really sick of the relapses and in the middle of giving me the "you need to leave" speech so...........my phone beeps the text says "I'm alive"
and no way at that moment was I going to text back not to hear her MORE.................so I didnt I just moved my phone and thought to myself I'll get her out of her then find out where he is and basically what my next move was .............so about 5 or 10 mins goes by ( I have 2 phones one for work) and the work phone beeps............text "i'm alive"
and it was like a light bulb went off and it hit me...............he knows!!!! he knows I'm scared to death he knows I'm waiting like a lunitic to find out if hes alive or not
Now, that doesnt mean I dont still feel panic but now I am just better able to reassure myself and remind myself that hes More than likely fine and I'm worried
For me AT this point its the after binge that still freaks me out because hes gets to such lows he truely does want to die.....but of course he does the drug just dumped all the "good chemicals" into his system at once and hes crashing......he will be depressed not to mention all the damage he does to everyone by using
moral of my long winded story is...................they know we worry and we in a sense "teach" them that we'll be right here "waiting"
its UP to US to make it stop..................Logically I know this and right now am working hard to make the changes in me..........am I there yet? no but I'm trying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Well, he 'resurfaced', so to speak... at 1 am I got the call. He's here now and 'ok' I guess... but i'm not. We will obviously wait until tomorrow to really TALK, but I did ask him where he got the money to foot the bill considering I handle his finances and he drove home in his car (meaning the car wasnt the payment)... And that's when I learned the awful truth. 3 weeks ago, he got his tax refund, and told me that he wanted to be responsible with the money (that I controlled) and he wanted to pay off his 401K loan to the tune of $1700... so we got a cashiers check, and I was really proud of him. Well, come to learn about 10 minutes ago, that was all premeditated, he wanted to pay off that loan so he could take out a new one - so he'd have cash that I wouldn't know about ($3600) and i'm pretty sure it's all gone. He got the check that I had no idea of in the mail last friday, and this was all part of his plan to scam me to get what he really wanted - crack.... I'm heartbroken.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Well, I'm glad he resurfaced to put your mind at ease.
As to the rest of the story, I'm really sorry. Luckily, you're not married to him, and so, legally obligated or connected to whatever financial damage he's caused and possibly will cause.
And better still, if he didn't loan out the car, no dealers or other undesirables have your address.
Try to have yourself a good day, Cher. Try to keep your sleep deprived self as calm and as cool as possible. This situation will pan out for the best one way or the other.
As to the rest of the story, I'm really sorry. Luckily, you're not married to him, and so, legally obligated or connected to whatever financial damage he's caused and possibly will cause.
And better still, if he didn't loan out the car, no dealers or other undesirables have your address.
Try to have yourself a good day, Cher. Try to keep your sleep deprived self as calm and as cool as possible. This situation will pan out for the best one way or the other.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I'm glad the panic part is over for you Cher -- I'm sorry that it turned out the way it did. But we know, don't we. We know in our gut what's going on when they're AWOL.
Now what's the next step? How can you take care of Cherbear?
Now what's the next step? How can you take care of Cherbear?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
I am just trying to get through today... we sat down, and he told me about the whole 2 day 'event'. It hurts to hear the things he did, it always hurts. It especially hurts when he says that he thought of calling or texting me just so that I would know he was alive, but that he just couldn't do it, since he knew he had already caused the damage. I told him that trust is gone, I don't know where I stand, and I especially don't know what our future holds. I think I want to go see a psychologist - i need to figure out what is wrong with me in all of this too. Why would I not just throw him out on the street today - why do I keep holding on to the man I love, b/c at any moment, he could be looking me in the eyes knowing and planning to disappear and use for the next 2 days... I'm just as dysfunctional as he is - maybe worse. What's my excuse? I know full well that I don't trust him, and my feelings have changed, yet I can't take the step... the step to break things. The love still binds... and it's awful...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 29
(((HUGS)))
I'm sitting here and tears are pouring down I feel your pain so much and I want you to know the only thing wrong with you, is you love this man very much and you want him to be ok.
I've been reading and posting for the last 5 days in an effort not to call my abf. His doc is also crack. He does not disappear for days on end, he just locks up in his room 1 night every few months or so....but it hurts just the same. He chose and will always choose that over me and I'm not sure I can be 2nd place.
I can't seem to let go either and it bothers me....
I need to let go if not for me, then for him....maybe you should do the same?
I think it is an excellent EXCELLENT idea for you to go see a IC (Independant Counselor)
I have my first appointment on Tuesday.
Please go, you need to find the coping skills to do what you must for you and your children.
Keep posting. I find it helps with the anxiety.
If this helps at all, remember your doing this for both of you.
Hang in there,
and
Keep :praying
I'm sitting here and tears are pouring down I feel your pain so much and I want you to know the only thing wrong with you, is you love this man very much and you want him to be ok.
I've been reading and posting for the last 5 days in an effort not to call my abf. His doc is also crack. He does not disappear for days on end, he just locks up in his room 1 night every few months or so....but it hurts just the same. He chose and will always choose that over me and I'm not sure I can be 2nd place.
I can't seem to let go either and it bothers me....
I need to let go if not for me, then for him....maybe you should do the same?
I think it is an excellent EXCELLENT idea for you to go see a IC (Independant Counselor)
I have my first appointment on Tuesday.
Please go, you need to find the coping skills to do what you must for you and your children.
Keep posting. I find it helps with the anxiety.
If this helps at all, remember your doing this for both of you.
Hang in there,
and
Keep :praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Anvil has asked exactly what I was going to - and painted a far better picture than I ever could have - so, I'll just add only this:
Cher, you and your kids deserve the best. Not *better* than what you may have had in the past, but the absolute *best*. And until *he* decides enough is enough with his crack addiction, you'll be sitting on the sidelines, picking up the pieces of his mistakes, and putting off what *you* want for your future; all of this heartache waiting for a day that may or may not ever come.
No one deserves this sort of life. You have to believe you're worth more than this.
Cher, you and your kids deserve the best. Not *better* than what you may have had in the past, but the absolute *best*. And until *he* decides enough is enough with his crack addiction, you'll be sitting on the sidelines, picking up the pieces of his mistakes, and putting off what *you* want for your future; all of this heartache waiting for a day that may or may not ever come.
No one deserves this sort of life. You have to believe you're worth more than this.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
addicts have no morals or ethics when it comes to using. and in time if we stick around long enough, we begin to forego our own.
but the crucial part that you are overlooking is that in normal healthy relationships, one partner does not just TAKE OFF for days on end, draining the account, and go hole up and do dope. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. yet it has become part of your routine.
Peace and strength to you cher.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
[ love does not ask us to sacrifice our self respect and dignity and go against our own set of values for someone who treats us like the manager of the Motel 6 - not sure when i'll be "checking out" but i'd like a clean set of towels please.
]
oh my my, couldn't have said it better, and honestly- how often do we feel like that?
That is what keeps the sadness and anger present.
Love,
Cessy
]
oh my my, couldn't have said it better, and honestly- how often do we feel like that?
That is what keeps the sadness and anger present.
Love,
Cessy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Thanks to everyone - alot of excellent points (as always). I am in the process of finding a psychologist that I can talk to - I need to sort things out in my own head and my own life. That's the point I've come to - i still can't seem to part ways with my AF, and I just don't understand it. If I was to do an 'out of body' experience, I'd look at myself like I was a crazy person. but it's the constant belief / desire for him to get clean and be better that keeps me latched on. In the meantime, it's hard - i'm always second guessing what's happening in his mind, when he says he's leaving for work in the morning, there's that little voice in the back of my head saying 'mm-hmm..', it's sad really. And he knows it too... he's so depressed at what has transpired. Again, it's the other part that keeps me latched... the whole situation is so sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
I completely agree with Anvil’s statements, since the only true victims in this completely preventable nightmare are the kids. If you are having a hard time letting go for yourself, why not let go for their sakes? For their need for stability and happiness?
However, I think going to a psychologist is an excellent plan, but what do the people who truly love you the most say about this nightmare? Your friends? Your family? His friends? His family? That’s usually where the best advice and insight comes from… and usually is the stuff we need to hear, but just don’t want to hear.
His depression is certainly drug related – not to mention he’s carrying a huge weight of ‘buyer’s remorse’… to the tune of a 3K+ 401K crack loan that he has nothing more than a 2-day drug-induced haze to show for. If he had any conscience about you and your kids, he never would have lied to you weeks ago about the loan and tax check (now 2 years in a row, Cher, and worse this year), let alone left you worry like he *knew* you would.
As far as you loving him still, I’m quite sure you like everyone on this site didn’t fall in love with an addict because he looked like a good catch walking out of a crack house. Most addicts have these incredibly lovable, amazing qualities. That’s why loved ones stay with their addict and plant their heads in that hellish sandbar called “denial”, thinking they are the only ones who can fix the addict. “No one has ever known him or understood him like *I* do.” Or “He’ll stop because it’s ME he only ever *really* loved.” Love of another person for an active addict is a distant, unintelligible concept.
However, if you have made the decision to stay with him, then you need to do your homework on crack and recovery. Crack is now second only to meth on the hardest to kick scale, and the long-term recovery rate isn’t very good. It absolutely can be done but the work involved is intense and the addict must remain diligent to their recovery for life. Dedicated recovering addicts know no matter how many years they’ve remained clean, there is *no* guarantee for tomorrow. And it is extremely important for you as his wife-to-be to internalize that critical point; that recovery can NEVER, even for a moment, be taken for granted. The moment either of you let your guard down and think you’re out of the crack-woods forever, that there’s some magic clean-date to end the woes, is the moment the countdown to relapse begins and the “happily-ever-after” dream begins to crumble. Again.
However, I think going to a psychologist is an excellent plan, but what do the people who truly love you the most say about this nightmare? Your friends? Your family? His friends? His family? That’s usually where the best advice and insight comes from… and usually is the stuff we need to hear, but just don’t want to hear.
His depression is certainly drug related – not to mention he’s carrying a huge weight of ‘buyer’s remorse’… to the tune of a 3K+ 401K crack loan that he has nothing more than a 2-day drug-induced haze to show for. If he had any conscience about you and your kids, he never would have lied to you weeks ago about the loan and tax check (now 2 years in a row, Cher, and worse this year), let alone left you worry like he *knew* you would.
As far as you loving him still, I’m quite sure you like everyone on this site didn’t fall in love with an addict because he looked like a good catch walking out of a crack house. Most addicts have these incredibly lovable, amazing qualities. That’s why loved ones stay with their addict and plant their heads in that hellish sandbar called “denial”, thinking they are the only ones who can fix the addict. “No one has ever known him or understood him like *I* do.” Or “He’ll stop because it’s ME he only ever *really* loved.” Love of another person for an active addict is a distant, unintelligible concept.
However, if you have made the decision to stay with him, then you need to do your homework on crack and recovery. Crack is now second only to meth on the hardest to kick scale, and the long-term recovery rate isn’t very good. It absolutely can be done but the work involved is intense and the addict must remain diligent to their recovery for life. Dedicated recovering addicts know no matter how many years they’ve remained clean, there is *no* guarantee for tomorrow. And it is extremely important for you as his wife-to-be to internalize that critical point; that recovery can NEVER, even for a moment, be taken for granted. The moment either of you let your guard down and think you’re out of the crack-woods forever, that there’s some magic clean-date to end the woes, is the moment the countdown to relapse begins and the “happily-ever-after” dream begins to crumble. Again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Well, Lies, I have my own story, too, unfortunately. Though I didn't get away completely unscathed, as I have a recurring and painful "gift" from my ex, I didn't go through near what so many others have. Luckily, he and I were never married and we didn't have kids.
It was through a ton of reading of all things crack and addiction, plus reading stories on this site and talking to those in recovery that got me to see what I was really up against and helped me separate the realities from my emotions.
It sucked letting the good parts of him go, but I knew in the grand scheme of things, it was the best decision I could make for me.
I thank my lucky stars for the people on both sides of the fence who shared their incredibly painful stories so that others would be spared a ton of needless agony and one more day of unhappiness.
It was through a ton of reading of all things crack and addiction, plus reading stories on this site and talking to those in recovery that got me to see what I was really up against and helped me separate the realities from my emotions.
It sucked letting the good parts of him go, but I knew in the grand scheme of things, it was the best decision I could make for me.
I thank my lucky stars for the people on both sides of the fence who shared their incredibly painful stories so that others would be spared a ton of needless agony and one more day of unhappiness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by hope4always 
It was through a ton of reading of all things crack and addiction, plus reading stories on this site and talking to those in recovery that got me to see what I was really up against and helped me separate the realities from my emotions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
I started with simple internet searches on crack cocaine and addiction. That led to articles, which led to government sites and reading outside of the internet. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the sites off the top of my head, but you should be able to locate them very easily. And most of these articles will have links to more info, stats, theories and everything you may not have thought of.
Aside from that, I talked to recovering addicts – not all of them recovering from crack – and I went to open NA meetings. And then there was reading these stories here.
I read and listened and read and listened, exhausting myself scouring for that proverbial Magic Pill, but I never found it. Considering the nature of this particular drug, the running theme pretty much was the chances were greater that things were going to get a lot worse and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
Aside from that, I talked to recovering addicts – not all of them recovering from crack – and I went to open NA meetings. And then there was reading these stories here.
I read and listened and read and listened, exhausting myself scouring for that proverbial Magic Pill, but I never found it. Considering the nature of this particular drug, the running theme pretty much was the chances were greater that things were going to get a lot worse and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
Broken record... again and again. Anyone who knows this thread knows how weak I am... I always say when he dissapears that it's the last straw, that i'm going to kick him out and make him own up to his decisions, yet I never seem to. I always take him back, and he always hurts me and my children again. He's gone again... no suprise there. He got a little money from a lawsuit, and "poof" he disappears.... Just needed to vent this somewhere... the crying and vomitting has to end sometime, right????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 45
For all I know, he's already OD'd, since he came so close the last time he binged in March. I'm trying to see my life without him (either by his choice to OD, or by my choice to leave him whenever he decides to resurface) and I don't know which hurts more.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
