MsLost

Im new, I hope this isn't too long. Sorry if it is !

I met my x/BF when I was 17 we dated for 5 years since last month. He was so charming and sweet, I loved his puppy dog demeanor. He really wanted to make me happy it seemed. A couple months went by and he started by telling me how depressed he was, how he lost multiple friends at a very young age to drugs and suicides. I felt horrible for him and told him that I could be there for him at any time. I thought where everyone else had failed I would succeed. Wrong. I did know that he was an avid MJ smoker, I was too (and that was the only thing I had done at the time). What I didn't know was that he was abusing his ADHD medications. As time went on he started introducing me to more drugs, and I didn't object.. I was young and wanted to have fun... but then he started getting very aggressive with me for months on end. I had told him I had enough, I was trying to help him and if he continued to verbally abuse me I was going to leave. Of course he played the game and I stayed.

Everything was great, for a couple months after he stopped filling his meds.

Then the dreaded bath salts hit the streets. That's really when things hit the bottom. Not only was I constantly verbally abused, but physically as well. He would leave me and his friends in a room for an hour to go to the bathroom and smoke it, multiple times throughout the day. So, being the naive 17 yr old I was I believed he was really going to the bathroom. He would come out and get overly aggressive over minuscule things I would say or do and he thought that his friends and I would talk bad about him and kick everyone out of his house. That was the hallucinations talking.

His parents even started getting the brunt of it. Unlike me though they had had enough and sent him away to get some help. Being me at the time I was in complete denial that he needed help, he just needed to be with me. I begged his parents to give him another chance, and they did. Maybe not the best idea on my part, I'm still not sure to this day.

A couple years went by and things seemed great, we slowed down massively on our drug usage and eventually I couldn't even do drugs (Except MJ) because of the scary effect that bath salts had given me, drugs just dont make me feel good anymore, but he still craved them. He wanted me to do them with him and I just couldnt, I think that kind of disappointed him.

Then something just changed in him. It felt so quick, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to the person I fell in love with.
I started to find burnt spoons around the house. I would confront him and naturally he denied everything and had his excuses. I don't know why I believed him, I guess I was in denial myself. He would sleep until 6pm every day and stay up past 9am. I started getting agitated spending every day alone (he would get mad if I hung out with friends w/o him) and suspicious of what he was doing. Eventually he just stopped going to work and taking care of himself. He wouldn't eat and he didn't have any motivation to do anything. He got mad at me telling him that and broke my nose.

He finally came clean to me when I found another spoon a couple days ago. He has been doing crack. I guess I just don't know how to handle an addict, I was blinded by anger and betrayal and he just got more upset with me, as I did with him.

These past couple of days have been ice cold between us. So yesterday I told him that I had had enough and that if he wasn't going to admit he had a problem and go to rehab (or get any kind of help) that I would have to leave. He mocked me the whole time, eventually spewed a bunch of cusses at me and then left the room so I could pack my things. I didn't even get to say goodbye, and honestly I feel like I'm never going to see him again (Im a little dramatic). I'm heartbroken. I loved him with my whole heart, I even gave him a engraved ring this year for his birthday, we were basically engaged.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do and now it seems too late. I have never been an overly loving person and can come off with an attitude when I talk, even though I mean well. I told him I still care, and always will, I just can't deal with what he is putting me through, it's not healthy for me or him.

I wish he would just admit that he has a problem. We had a talk the day he told me and he did admit that all of his family had a problem with uppers like that and that he had many of his own problems... but then an hour later he wouldn't admit he had a problem.
Maybe he felt good to tell me the truth once and then try to lie again? Im not sure. I've never dealt with an addict before, I just want him to get help and get better, but I know that's not up to me.

Im very sad, I want to be apart of his life, but after all the lies and how they were so believable coming out of his mouth I dont know how I'll ever believe anything he says again.

I feel like the 5 years we spent together means absolutely nothing to him.

MsLost

Im just looking for some advice on how I should approach it. Should I just give him space until he contacts me? Should I try to contact him? Should I just give up and let bygones be bygones and move on with my life?

Should I be nice to him and apologize for not being supportive and being upset instead?
I don't support his actions, but I want to be able to support him positively so he will get help.

He said he was only doing it for a month and only 3 times, but his parents feel like it's been over half a year of him doing it and his attitude and weight loss kind of justifies their thinking.
He suffers from PTSD and depression, he had schizo really bad at one point in our relationship, but he hasn't told me of hearing anything and he always told me that at least. He doesn't keep up on his medication, which I think is a small contributing factor to him being unemotional and going to stronger drugs. Is there any hope for him?

MsLost

Also one more thing, Im wondering if anyone has had any success in cutting off the person and they actually changed for the better? I know it's a slim chance that that happens with true addicts and I shouldnt get my hopes up, but I want to believe that it could happen...

zoso77

Hi, MsLost...Welcome to the Board.

I'm super sorry for what has brought you to us, but I'm thankful that you've found us and you took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I'd like to share some of my own thoughts with you.

Well, denial is a big part of the condition. Most people in active addiction are operating under the premise they can use as often as they like without paying a price. But that's not how the world really works. There's always a price...there are always intended and unintended consequences for every decision we make.

My hope is during your time with us, you absorb the experience of our members. A lot of young women such as yourself have been where you are, and they'll pipe up shortly. In the meantime, remember you don't need permission from anyone to do what is best for you. And sometimes what's best for us means doing something we don't want to do, like removing people we love from our lives.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

JOIE12

Run and don't look back.

he rewired his brain by using. It could always change but the odds are slim. His brain hadn't even hit it's premium stride, he was young. I know someone who was an addict since high school and at 50 just decided to stop using. He has never had a successful relationship and hurt so many along the way. Spent so much money and never owned anything. Can't seem to stop seeing prostitutes/addicts as girlfriends.

Is this what you want ? years and years of waiting while life passes you by ? And reprogramming your mind after so much abuse ? Being damaged goods for the next man you care about ?

It's not selfish to decide that you want more. That you need to take care of yourself and build a life before you lose hope.