It's crack AND other women

[Newlywed50]

I stole his phone yesterday and listened to an undeleted message: "Yo! So you gonna let us use that laptop. Cool, we got what you need. Get off that girl and get over here."

My heart, Oh God, my heart. Now there are visions of him sitting in his truck on the street with some scab infested woman with that pipe to his lips, digging through the carpet for some imaginary piece he thought he dropped. Picking at his arms to remove some wierd bug he thinks is there util he's made a big hole. I've been there. I bear the scars to remind me. I know what he feels. I know how it takes over everything else that ever meant anything.

I called that number back and talked to some black girl. She was cool with me, though I don't know how entirely honest she was. She told me he was smoking all day Thursday with some white girl. She said she doesn't know who she is. I guess it doesn't matter.

He has that inpenitrable wall around him right now. He even laughed at me. When I confronted him - he lied at first. I asked him if it was the same woman I busted him with before. He said no but there are a few of them that he smokes with now and then. I asked if he wasn't listening all the times I shared with him my own experience - how incidious that drug is - how I knew I was driving myself into homelessness and losing everyting, but I didn't care. I just needed to go do it again. Its not just the using. Its everything about it. The anticipation, getting the money, driving to pickup. Setting up the pipe, buring the screen, making a pusher out of a coat hanger. It consumes your every though, every minute of every day. But those first few times when you'd get that rush - it goes away. You try and try to get it back again - try different pipes - water pipes - different screen - recooking the crack - cooking your own crack - nothing works. But you keep trying and spending time and money chasing it. You start hearing things, seeing things that aren't there. There's somebody watching you through a hole in the wall. The cops are outside. Then the cops really are outside and you find yourself standing, legs spread with your hands on a wall or on top of your head. He didn't hear me I guess and he can't listen now.

Somehow the cops always let me go. They always took my (then) boyfriend. Thank you Jesus.

I have 2 years and almost 2 months on the 25th. I got away! I got free! I changed my life. Jesus pulled me out of the pit I put myself it. I met and married a sweet man who I thought was a Godly man - he was a Godly man - who also found the Grace of God to save him from himself - but somehow, why I just can't figure, the hideous deamon has taken him from me and trying to take me too. It is laughing at me and taunting me - right here in my very home!

Father! Have mercy on me, Lord. Protect me, Oh God, from this horrible deamon, Lord. Father, have your way with me, Lord. Fill me with your Sprit. Give me the strength and the couage to fight. Give me your shield and armor, God, and use me for your purposes, Father, whatever they may be. My life was worthless without you, Lord. I need you now. Oh Father God, please don't let me go! Wrap me in your Light and shield me with the truth of your Word that these "firey darts" won't find me. In the precious name of your Son, Jesus, I pray, Amen

[Impurrfect]

(((Newlywed)))

I, too, am a recovering crack addict. I know that it didn't matter who told me how bad it was, what I saw other people doing to get crack, I thought it wouldn't happen to me....it did, but by that time I was addicted and could only think about getting high.

Sounds like your AH is in the same place. Nothing YOU do is going to make him get clean. If he wants to get clean, he will do it....if he wants to keep using, he will.

I hope you can start putting the focus on you. I, personally, don't think I could be involved with another crack addict, but that's just me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[anvilhead]

newlywed........just save yourself honey. get away. you're not match for crack........you know that. don't try and get into his head and solve the puzzle.......like impurrfect, i too am a recovering crackhead.....if my other half started using again, i would have NO choice but to leave....to get as far away as possible. i worry that already you're letting those thoughts about using stay in your head too long......lingering too long on what he's doing, the paraphanalia etc........this ain't no hollywood movie and crack ain't nothing to write flowery prose about.......it's DEATH. run.

[bluejay6]

newlywed,
praying is right: keep it up. you need God's help. prayer is making a difference for you.

also 90 meetings in 90 days for you, newlywed, IMHO. you are in danger and your mind will trick you.

please please....he is not the only one affected. please go find the friends you need TODAY.

much love to you, in your pain and struggle. stay above water and hang onto the life raft of recovering addicts. your life challenge RIGHT NOW is to stay clean until your emotional hurricane passes. run to a meeting and find someone after to talk to.

[lightseeker]

Newlywed -

I so second everyone's thoughts above me....please take care of yourself and guard your sobriety. You know better than anyone that once that drug has it's claws into you that NOTHING else matters...there is no sanity or judgement in it. It is the devil at work. I also know how insidious the disease is and how tricky it is. It wants all of us back where it can destroy us. It tells us that we are not in danger and wants us to let our guard down. In my program, I know that I have had to change my playmates and playthings. If one of my new sober "playmates" went out/back out I would have to sever my connection with them. It's too close for comfort...I'll keep a chair vacant for them and welcome them back but I know that I can't go out and get them. They know where I am. All I can do is take care of myself and guard my sobriety.

I know the pain of a husband being "out" and cavorting with women. It's horrible and the pain is unbearable. It's the insanity of the drug - in his right mind he would never do these things. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you - it's the drug - and nothing gets in it's way.................

Powerless and unmanageable.....just keep remembering that.

Love, Donna

[Ann]

I stole his phone yesterday and listened to an undeleted message...

Sweetie, let go before he drags you down with him. You didn't get clean chasing active addicts trying to figure out what they were up to, now did you?

Take care of you, before it's too late. Put the energy you spend on him back into your own recovery, or I fear for what may happen.

Hugs

[lil516]

You posted a beautiful prayer for me on my thread and now I'd like to return the favor and send it back your way...

your sobriety is the most precious thing you own...please guard it carefully

the others offered you excellent words of wisdom....

please do not try to fix an active addict....
he will get you high much quicker than you will get him clean

many blessings

[greeteachday]

Ahhhh Newlywed, I so agree with everyone here...You have to let go of him now while he is out there...He is pulling you down with him. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I do know you have to save yourself. Your sobriety and your sanity are what are important now. Praying that God will protect you and lead you to clarity. Hugs

[Wascally Wabbit]

ditto anvilhead.
Pull yourself up, out and away from something that can change your life for the worse and quite possibly forever.
hugs